[Acesup]

Thanks for the update Kitty. Really happy you are OK and that you are able to continue on the hormones. It really sounds life changing. I know that of course but it is good to see it for real. Wish my wife could see your story and maybe change her mind set.

She has had a little baby step of progress when I was at the end of my rope so I'm cautiously optimistic. She made me a deal where if i went on anti depressants for a month she would go to a doctor and explore HRT. I figured it was a trap but I played it out and went on the safest least sexually side effect drug, Buspar. Had some issues, but more from coming off what i was taking Lamictal, than the Buspar. That stuff is awful. But its been almost a month and I've been starting to get frustrated under the surface because I didn't see any tangible actions being taken by her to live up to her end of the deal, started feeling like I got suckered like I figured she would do and felt really disrespected and angry. I even went to great lengths to get us a hotel so we could spend a romantic night away from the kids and I took us to see Florence and the Machine (life changing by the way go see her if you can) and after all that on our first night away from the kids in three years in a hotel room she's tired and not in the mood and we got into a bit of an argument because I'm like, if in this moment alone for the first time in years after a great night together alone in a hotel room you still don't feel even the slightest desire to have sex with your husband then I don't know what more I can do and give for you to feel something. If this moment isn't good enough there will never be a moment and I really do have nothing to look forward to but pity ****s the rest of my life and we all deserve better than that. We ended up having sex and while she went into it begrudgingly she quickly got fully into it and was giving me direction and wanted me to go slow cause she was loving it and going for her orgasm and didn't want it to end. So her sexual chemistry with me is still in there underneath all the walls and telling herself she doesn't like it and is just doing it for me and telling herself she has no sex drive anymore and its normal and happens to all women and nothing can help make it better. Her fire is still in there and she can still be reached. She just makes me overcome walls and minefields and it literally feels like I have to push a boulder up a hill and over the top before she has any sexual momentum of her own and I have to do it the hard way without any of the tools I would normally know how to use. Frustrating but whatever.

But the big step was after all that I was really depressed and hopeless about the future really at the end trying to figure out how to fake being happy till I could afford to file for divorce and start over. Then she is talking about her brain fog from perimenopause and how much she hates it and I told her there is help out there, an entire industry of help if she would just reach for it and try. And for the first time she didn't shoot me down. The doctor I used to get my med prescription from actually happens to specialize in women's health and helping women deal with menopause, like that's most of her practice by crazy coincidence. So I told my wife that and said she should call her and either explore options to get help from her or have her refer my wife to somebody else since I've already seen this doctor once. And again she didn't shoot me down and asked for her number and I gave it to my wife. Like that was an actual tangible step towards taking action to fight back and fight to get some of us back. That really was what I wanted just show me it matters to you and try and if it helps a little or a lot great I'll appreciate it and be patient and work with you and compromise. She hasn't actually made an appointment yet cause this just happened but it feels like actual progress and I feel actual hope. It feels good. I can work with this.

Thanks for all your help Kitty and I really hope it keeps going great for you. I wish all women out there could see your story and see what help there is out there for all women's health issues and symptoms not just perimenopause and sex. one of the biggest issues I've had with my wife is her other female friends all seem to have the same mindset that they hate their husbands too and they don't care about having any sex life or sex drive with their husbands either and its like this self fulfilling echo chamber of women telling themselves and each other this is just what happens to women in their 40s and it is what it is nothing can be done about it so let's all give up an accept it. I wish stories like yours could be heard more to shout over that nonsense.

[Acesup]

Heard it again over the weekend. This negative messaging from other women reinforcing this idea that my wife has subscribed to, just giving up at perimenopause, just assuming this is what happens to all women and nothing can help them get any of their sex drive back so why bother making any effort to try. Her older sister in law in her 50s who is full on menopausal was talking like that and I about wanted to come unglued on her cause I know my wife heard everything she was saying and in her head I know she was thinking see this is how all women feel, its natural to just give up and hate sex with your husband for the rest of your life and nothing can be done to help it just is what it is. I am so sick of other women giving my wife the worst possible advice about women, telling her how much they hate their husbands now and how they haven't had sex with their husbands in months and my wife taking that like its normalizing a passionless sexless marriage. Like seriously not to sound sexist but can women uplift each other and help each other out instead of encouraging each others misery and encouraging giving up on your marriages. I mean I get some guys are jerks and probably deserve to be given up on but can you please stop normalizing hating your husband and stop normalizing sexless marriages. Oh and while you are at it can you please stop normalizing cheating on your husbands too. I haven't heard that messaging as much directly from her friends but I saw one of her very married friends when we all went out together without that woman's husband very drunk and very much throwing herself at another guy and giving her phone number right in front of all of us. And now quite frankly even though I trust my wife I really don't like the idea of her going out alone drinking with this friend because she obviously has no problem trying to cheat on her husband in front of people who know she is married I really don't want her normalizing that behavior to my wife and giving her ideas like oh if he never finds out nobody gets hurt or oh if it is in a different area code it doesn't count or any of those excuses people use to justify something when they just want to do it because they are selfish but want to make it sound OK to themselves.

[JonnyR]

Acesup I’m really happy to read this update. Not because everything is fixed. It isn’t. But because for the first time in a while I’m hearing something different from you.

I’m hearing less “convince her” and more “she took one step herself.”

That matters.

And I want to point out something else you may be accidentally glossing over.

You keep describing these moments where she goes into sex saying she isn’t in the mood, and then once she’s there she gets into it, wants to slow down, wants more, gets engaged, orgasms, stays present. I know your instinct is to interpret that as “See! The desire is in there, she’s just blocking herself.”

Maybe.

But another possibility is she’s not experiencing spontaneous desire the way you are. A lot of women experience more responsive desire. Meaning they don’t feel hungry for sex walking into the room, but once they feel safe, relaxed, connected, and physically engaged, desire wakes up.

That’s different than not loving you. Different than faking it.

And honestly… your wife asking for the doctor’s number is a bigger deal than you may realize. For somebody who has been saying “this is just life now,” asking for a number means she’s at least entertaining the possibility that things could feel different.

I’d be careful with one thing though.

Try not to turn every negative comment from another woman into enemy propaganda.

There absolutely are women who normalize suffering and tell each other “this is just marriage now.” But there are also women who are exhausted, hormonal, touched out, depressed, unseen, or genuinely grieving changes in themselves. Sometimes those conversations aren’t encouragement to give up.

Sometimes they’re people trying to feel less alone.

You don’t want your wife feeling like she has to choose between “my husband wants me fixed” and “my friends understand me.”

You want her to feel like there’s a third option: “I’m not broken, and I also don’t have to settle.”

One thing I’m curious about.

When she asked for that doctor’s number… did she seem hopeful? Curious? Reluctant? Like she was doing it for you? Or did you get even a tiny sense that she was thinking, “Wait… maybe I don’t actually have to feel this way forever?”

Because that feeling right there might matter more than the appointment itself.

[Acesup]

Kitty, I hope your situation is going well because you offer guys like me some hope that maybe our wives will get some help and maybe that help will help them and there is hope for the future of getting our wives back with at least some of the fire and passion I know we are capable of having.

I had hope for about a second. Real hope. And now its lost again.

We made a deal. She asked me to go on anti anxiety meds. I absolutely hate the side effects. Weird side effects. They have been giving me "night wood" waking up three four times a night hard as a rock and I have to get to pee to get it to go away. I can handle that but the broken sleep from doing that is a drag. But I am taking them to live up to my end of the deal.

She said in exchange she would finally go see a doctor and actually explore HRT. She was dragging her feet on making appointment or doing anything. I happened to have name of a doctor who specializes in that because coincidentally she's the same ARPN who gave me anti anxiety meds, literally tripped and feel into the perfect doctor for her by accident. My wife asked me for that doctors name. I gave it to her. I got all hopeful there was going to be real action. Weeks later she still hadn't made an appointment or even called. Then she told me she has no intention of ever making the appointment and she still hasn't found a new OBGYN to make an appointment with or even looked yet and that when she does go to see about an OBGYN she has no intention of even asking about HRT or any other medical options because in her words she takes enough medicine already and she doesn't want to take any more medicine for anything.

But she is continuing to complain about every side effect of perimenopause now going into menopause as she hasn't had a period in months now. She is complaining about how tired she is. She is complaining about brain fog. She is claiming she never thinks about sex and doesn't feel sexy and she's just doing it for me and no matter what I do I don't make her cum very often and she actually said to me with a smirk "That's OK you can still do acts of service I like that" as if to say I don't do it for her she doesn't want me to have sex with her but I'm still good enough to cook for her, about the most humiliating thing you can say to a man and totally destroyed my self esteem. She is saying all this and asking for my patience and my grace while she does nothing to address any of the things she is complaining about. And she is telling me I have to take pills to address the parts of me what bother her but she won't take any action to address the parts of her that hurt me and I have to just accept it and be happy with a once a week chore **** she is clearly not into and never get to know what it feels like to give my wife an orgasm again. But I better keep taking my pills and give 110 percent effort as a husband and do it with a smile.

So now I'm finding my patience breaking. Now whenever she complains about anything perimenopausal I find myself angry at her like you don't get to use it as a blank check. You don't get to use it as an excuse to do whatever you want and ask for my patience and forgiveness and then tell me you won't do anything about it and I better not even bring up any options and I can't tell you what to do with your body but you can tell me I have to take anxiety pills. Like I am seriously resenting and hating her over this whole situation now. We had a huge fight about it now I have no idea where anything stands and I'm trying to fake being OK and fake being happy with her giving no effort for our sex life and intimacy and keep myself from blowing up at her when she gets irritable with me or complains about her menopause but won't reach for any help for it. I am struggling so hard to repress my anger and it is making me absolutely hate myself as I approach my 50th birthday knowing I will be a 50 year old man who has little to no hope of ever knowing what it feels like to turn a woman on again or make a woman cum again for the rest of my life. And I still have like at least 11-18 months to financially be able to save enough money to hire a divorce lawyer and rent a new apartment until I can force the sale of our house and split the proceeds and avoid crushing alimony. I don't mind child support. I get that for my kids. But I don't want to be crippled paying all my money to subsidize her life in alimony while she screws somebody new and I spend the rest of my life alone cause nobody wants to date a broke guy paying all his money to his ex baby mama in his 50s. So I am stuck waiting until she either takes action to change or i can afford to leave and I don't know how to suppress the pain and humiliation and how to hide the hurt and still give 110 percent effort as is expected of me to avoid a massive fight and her pressing divorce and trying to take everything from me before I am in a position to defend myself financially. I am in hell basically and trapped there for at least a year if not more. how do i pretend I don't know I am in hell. How do I pretend I am satisfied with a pity **** from her and not feel humiliated and turned off by her not being into it and never being able to get her off. She is destroying me.