[CHANDLERS WISH]

Fear of intimacy, yes, I think you may be right, I'm trying to make her feel as safe as possible when we're together, that's something she has trouble with. It's like she thinks she's not "good enough" to be loved, or something along those lines.

And yes, I'm definitely man enough to take that risk, but at this point, or very soon hereafter, the real question will be, am I man enough or an idiot for trying, as she's burned me twice, but this time does seem very different, she's never taken such an introspective look at herself as she seems to have been doing over the past 6 or 8 weeks, so time will tell - I do feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I agree with RichardS.. I think the point that is being missed is that you actually love her. And, that she has a fear of showing any sides of her as you may feel that she knows more than you, has done those things with other guys, which is a fact that you have admitted and so she goes back into a shell.

I think that she had/has no confidence, taking the sex out of it totally for a minute as sexual partners go. She has allowed herself to be used and abused because she doesn't think she is worth it. She was with you for a long time, and didn't think she was worth it, off she went acting the non worthy woman and what she missed was you, the gentleman, the good guy, the one she doesn't think she is worth.. And, so the viscious cycle continues, how?

It could very well be that she really wants to form a proper intimate relationship and a caring relationship and has run before (I'm not worth it) I have done this. If you can try to not "show" or "mention" the past at all and work only on togetherness in the now you may be able to get her over the "I'm not worth it" and therefore engage in a proper relationship.

That's not going to be easy on your part. But, just because she hasn't felt worthy doesn't mean that she's not really deep down a "nice girl" dying to be loved just like everyone else and trusted...

Take the lead, don't question anything she does sexually rather experience it with her and keep her safe and warm and see what happens from there.

CW

[confusedguy3657]

Wow, it is true, you are good.

I know that deep down she is a "nice girl", because she's incredible(deep down), really really incredible, and she has the biggest heart imaginable. Not to get all sappy, but it is true, I see it in her, that's why I've stuck around despite the difficulty -- and boy oh boy has it been difficult (at times). She needs constant reassurance throughout the workday, etc -basically any time we're apart. I do my best, but it's hard, say she writes me an email, and I get it after a while, and can immediately respond, she assumes that I've suddenly changed my mind and that she's been discarded. Then I'm told that I've just been using her for sex. So many times, I say, then lets just stop the sex, take the sex out of it so I can show you that I'm not using you. The response then becomes, "but I like having sex with you, don't you want to have sex with me?" (I'm thinking, so basically I can't win here at all?). Some weeks are easier than others. There's some tricky stuff here and there. I like to think that I've gotten better at picking up on her little tricks like that though, and gotten better at communicating with her, so things have been improving, and I hope they continue to. Thanks CW, just what I needed to hear!

[confusedguy3657]

I meant can't immediately respond [to her email], sorry!

[C]

I think that she has truly let the tiger loose and she will become uncaged again....Too hot to handle....A woman must adore a man to stay under control....She must worship the ground that he walks on....She has tasted deep hot erotic sex and is young...Give her some age and you will probably see a cat on a hot tin roof....You are searching for words that you want to hear and many are trying to keep you from the pain that could be in the future...They, like I, feel that all the love in the world will not keep her from climbing the walls to get her sexual fix...

I adore my husband but many of us women could have been that hot tiger.... TC, C

[maz33]

Hi confused

It's great that you're standing by your girlfriend and supporting her during this phase. It sounds like she's been away and 'found her sexual self' and wants to try it all out with you. The fact that she then seems insecure is quite a conflict and I'm not surprised you find it confusing but I would say try not to think too deeply about it and just go with what she wants to do, as long as you're comfortable with it.

I don't know if this is the case with you, but sometimes it can be difficult for a man to take part in certain sexual acts with someone they love because they feel as though they're disrespecting that woman, especially if like you say, they are inexperienced. They might fantasise about doing stuff like "finishing off orally" but when it comes to their woman, they don't like the idea of her acting like some kind of porn star... With experience under the belt l'd guesss most men are delighted to have a partner who acts like a porn star in the bedroom!

She obviously has deeper issues as you say, and the fact that you're standing by her will prove to your girlfriend that she doesn't have to go mad sexually for you to want her, she'll know that you love her for who she is inside. Because she IS worthy.

Some weeks are easier than others.

When you say "some weeks" maybe you could try keeping an eye on whether there's a pattern as it could be partly caused by PMS... Just a thought

[confusedguy3657]

PMS is EXACTLY what I was referring to. She's always been really sexual (but denies it), she masterbates quite a lot (well, a lot more than previous girlfriends - almost as much as I do...lol) and when she first asked me about it, it was like "want me to touch myself for you!?". Like she loved being watched, I was thinking, "you have struck gold with this woman".

When we first got together she had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship a few months prior (she was faithful the entire time) and I had just gotten out of a 7 year relationship with my best girlfriend from college about 6 or 7 months prior. And we were both extremely smitten with each other as the entire relationship was effortless -- the sex was the most wild and passionate sex I have ever experienced in my life (she even began squirting during orgasm after 3 or 4 months, which freaked her out, but me being a fan of the female orgasm, I did my best to tell her how much it turned me on - she now orgasms 8 to 12 times in a session), and we were basically inseperable for a year and a few months, then things went south, and continued south, until she began emotionally cheating and lying about it (I caught her quickly, so she only got away with it for a short time).

We break up.

She can't leave me alone and freaks out for weeks, turned into months. She calls and texts, and emails, and I basically at this point have realized she has this intense need for attention from men, and despite being from a well to do and respectable family would through herself at men, and I would watch in horror, thinking, "come on!! You are so much better than this!!" She could never leave me alone, still calling texting driving me basically insane (mostly because I was concerned for her well being), and all the while going from one guy to the next, basically every 3 or 4 weeks(I didn't find out until she came begging to be taken back 2 months ago), but still coming back to me, once or twice a week, and using sex to almost control me in a sense. It was this point when I noticed the controling nature of it, that I started feeling funny about sex with her. It almost made me feel like uncomfortable, almost as if being sexually abused, if that makes any sense.

So finally the contact stops for 2 months, and I see her out at a cocktail party, try my best to dodge her, but end up being caught, but this time was different. She was remarkably in control, wasn't completely hammered (her drinking was a major issue towards the demise of the relationship the first time) and was telling me about how much she's cleaned up her life, yada yada -- would I be willing just to talk, she has so many things to be sorry for.

We talk, we cuddle, we talk some more, it was great. We have sex, it was less wild and more loving, (she cried when she came, is that good or bad?) -- then the "I want you to c*m in my mouth" -- and now we're here. So far, she's back to the woman I first fell in love with, except super terrified that I'm going to leave because she's opened up about so much that she's ashamed of, things that nobody else knows, not even her closest friends. But I'm not. I want to see her get past her past, but the problem is that currently, I'm having some trouble getting past some of it is all - some days I don't even think about it, other days it ruins the day.

Uh, so in case anybody needed further detail, there it is. -- Any more advice -- if anybody is still awake after all that? I'm enjoying and I appreciate the words of wisdom from everyone on this.

[C]

IMP She has a tremendous sex addiction...This is where she finds her power and acceptance...Along the line she has learned two things...Masturbation is pleasuring but nothing as pleasing as the feeling of a man's c**k penetrating her vaginal canal...The is the hottest of orgasms and controls her..All day you can remember it and smile...When a woman finds this hot part of herself and accepts this, she then finds a way to touch all of the animal part of who she is in herself and accept it...She loves this feeling....She is wild....

I believe that only if she can control this part of herself will she be able to settle down...Who knows, maybe drugs could help but I sure would not go that route, or the perfect answer to this IMO would be to fall in love with a man and have such hunger for him that she would never chance doing anything in the world to hurt him....She must love a man more than her appetite for sex.....Again just my thoughts...Caroline

May I add one thing....It cannot be the man's hunger and love for her, as she is used to this....It must be her hunger and love for him....C

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Wow, it is true, you are good.

I know that deep down she is a "nice girl", because she's incredible(deep down), really really incredible, and she has the biggest heart imaginable. Not to get all sappy, but it is true, I see it in her, that's why I've stuck around despite the difficulty -- and boy oh boy has it been difficult (at times). She needs constant reassurance throughout the workday, etc -basically any time we're apart. I do my best, but it's hard, say she writes me an email, and I get it after a while, and can immediately respond, she assumes that I've suddenly changed my mind and that she's been discarded. Then I'm told that I've just been using her for sex. So many times, I say, then lets just stop the sex, take the sex out of it so I can show you that I'm not using you. The response then becomes, "but I like having sex with you, don't you want to have sex with me?" (I'm thinking, so basically I can't win here at all?). Some weeks are easier than others. There's some tricky stuff here and there. I like to think that I've gotten better at picking up on her little tricks like that though, and gotten better at communicating with her, so things have been improving, and I hope they continue to. Thanks CW, just what I needed to hear!

I think your a brave and honorable man to work with her then on these issues but remember, you don't want to go to a looney place with it all...

What she has to do for herself, is to build her confidence so she's not so in-secure such as thinking you don't like her because you didn't immediately respond to her email etc.

Get her to get some streaks put in her hair, buy a nice dress or shoes, or if you can afford them, you buy her something even a nice top, get her to put it on and look at herself in the mirror and stand behind her and tell her she looks beautiful... Start helping her build her confidence level.

Remembering a lot of people and the new post above me are viewing her sexuality which you have stated in fact you like, she's hot... You want to experience and be adverturous with her. So remember, that you can therefore have your cake and eat it, get her over the silly in-securities and have that inner child that you see, that heart of gold in her and the warmth of her soul, as well as a little sexual devil... Guess you can have the best of the best but remember, that's one of her insecurities so push her up against the wall, kiss her neck tell her she looks hot, when she least expects it... And, forget who she's been with, or what she has experienced because, hate to tell you this but it's not whom has taught her per-say, rather, who she is inside, a sexy person who is sensual, sexual and horney, it's her makeup... And, that's the way you have to see it in front of you when you are with her in that way.

CW

[Hystorm]

Did you say she was abused as a child sexually?
If so, that would explain a lot!

I too was in a relationship a lot like yours many moons ago.
She was a total mess! She was dumped by her husband 6-months into the marriage. I was very gifted in the 'insight' and 'head shrinking' abilities during this phase of my life and put it to good use. I took her from a basket case, to a very strong willed, stable women....who then turned around and dumped me for a guy she had a huge crush on in high school!
(who later dumped her as my little brother and his friends saw her years later partying with another guy at a bar!, I guess it would help the story to explain she was not a partier/drinker)

At the time, I was incredibly pi$$ed off and felt used! Now, I am glad I was there to help and have been paid back by the universe/karma with an incredibly Hot wife.

As a side bar, I have totally lost all my abilities of insight, etc, due to lack of use and caring!

As I said in the earlier post, you have a 50/50 shot here of being dumped when she feels strong enough due to your help/love!
I have no other words of encouragement or wisdom.

Good luck.

[Kalashnikitty]

I went through the same thing...only I was on her end of it. Sexual abuse as a child is a severe, I repeat, severe, mind ****. It does things to your brain you don't even know about till 10-20 years down the road.

In my teens I was a wild girl. I went through more partners than I can shake a stick at. It wasn't because I had an addiction to sex or wanted to experiment or any of that. It was a need for love. Sex meant love. That's what I was taught at a very very early age and oh man did I crave love. The boyfriends that I had, I cheated on constantly and tried to justify it to myself that because those boyfriends didn't want constant sex from me, they didn't care. I would chase guys until they told me they loved me and wanted to be with me, then I would run onto the next. I went into a downward spiral of sex, booze and drugs. I felt happy on the outside, but inside I was shattered.

I can't tell you exactly what happened, maybe it was my intense need to survive (I knew I was killing myself and partly believed that was my intention) or the disappointment and pain I saw in those around me or a combination of both, but I forced myself to stay away from men for a while. I needed to find myself before I could have a healthy relationship. It was the loneliest time in my life. Since sex meant love, I felt as though no one in the world loved me. I had a friend who had stuck with me through all those years. He couldn't really understand why I was doing what I was doing but he was there for me whenever I needed to cry. He always told me I was beautiful and wonderful. He's gay so I was never interested in him as more than a friend. I knew he loved me though and I could feel it. For the first time in my life, I realized I didn't have to be naked on my back to be loved. My friend saved my life and remains my soul mate to this day.

After I got over that huge hurdle, I started dating again. I forced myself to stay in control and kept from sleeping around again. A lot of it had to do with me not shaving my legs to make me too self conscious to sleep with anyone. I still had zero self esteem though. Everyone was always judging me and no one was ever attracted to me. The only reason anyone would want to be around me would be to get laid, "wham bam thank you mam don't let the door hit you on the way out" A therapist once told me that for every negative thing you hear about yourself, it takes 200 times of the opposite to make the negative go away. That includes the negatives you tell yourself.

When I later met a man I fell in love with, I was so self conscious, I couldn't believe he would really want me. It took years of this man telling me I'm beautiful and hot and sexy. Years of him telling me he loved me. He's put up with the same things you have. If he didn't email me back, he didn't want me anymore. If he didn't immediately tell me he loved me when I said it, it was because he didn't. The main one though, if he wasn't immediately interested in a sexual activity I brought up, it meant he was no longer interested in me. It wasn't anything he was doing, it was all in my head. He has been very patient with me and has always let me know that he cares. He spent years constantly reassuring me and has told me a million times I'm who he wants to be with.

I wish I could tell you there's a quick fix. I wish I could tell you there's something you could say or do to have your girl fall into your arms and trust you'll always be there to catch her, but there is no such gift or phrase. It takes time. I still get anxious occassionally when my husband doesn't feel like having sex or doesn't tell me he loves me before we get off the phone, but over the years I've come to realize he loves me very much and it's all in my head.

Sexual abuse is a nasty, nasty thing and on a child. It warps their perception of the world and the people around them. I could have just as easily left my man when I knew I was getting really involved. You could show all the patience in the world and tell her you love her every 5 minutes and she could still walk out. It's not because she's a bad person or doesn't care, it's just a fear of getting hurt. Abuse is the biggest breach of trust a person can go through in my opinion. As a child, adults are there to protect us and make sure we're ok. Adults know all and are all powerful to small children. When that trust is broken, especially by a relative, trust in anyone else is next to impossible. "This person was supposed to protect me. This person, above all other people, was supposed to protect me." If that person didn't, why would you?

An above poster mentioned there's a 50/50 chance she'll leave you. I believe that too. It could go either way and you really have no way of knowing. But I will tell you this, if she lets herself go and allows herself to accept that you love her, she'll be yours. There's no doubt in my mind that if she gets around all her fears and anxieties, you'll be her one and only. It may sound , but a quote helped me out a lot on that one. "Loving someone is giving them the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to."

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to let you know my insight on what can go through the head of a survivor of sexual abuse. It's not pretty and it's a long and bumpy road, but having someone to travel that road with makes it infinately easier.