[Anonymous820]

Does he understand that you are a sexual person too or does he think he is the only person with those physical desires in this relationship. You ask for an explanation and the only one that pops out of my mind is "he sounds selfish".

How long have you guys been together and has the sex ever been good to you? If so when did things change? Have you tried talking to him about the way it makes you feel when he isn't in the mood for sex and even when he is its not really focused on bringing you pleasure?

Is he affectionate and loving in other ways or is this just a symptom of him being overall distant?

Well we have been together 7 1/2 years. I started dating him when I was 15and he was 20. It was about a year in the relationship and I ended up cheating on him only a one night thing, I was drinking (thats not an excuse)and yes I am a horrible person I know. He stayed with me as you can tell and ever since then he always thinks I'm cheating and I am not. A few years ago we had sex maybe twice in that one year. I do think he is very selfish when it comes to the sexual acts and it ticks me off. I thought he would've gotten over the betrayal thing but I guess I am wrong. So most of the problem I am guessing is my fault but he pushed me away and it makes me feel like .

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

Low libido, low “sex drive” in men is a complex and puzzling thing. Male arousal has both a mental and physical component. I say mental because it involves the brain but in fact it is anything but conscious. It is more instinctual, triggered by visual or mental cues, uncontrollable by any conscious intervention. When we are in puberty with hormones raging, the mental component is overwhelming. A flash of leg, an errant thought about women, would product an instant, uncontrollable erection. It is, by definition, the very sex DRIVE that is always referred to. It is our first experience, the one we never forget and the one that in some ways defines our sexuality.

As we mature into our late teens and onward, the intensity of that “drive” lessens and we require more “physical” stimulation to achieve and maintain erections. As familiar situations and partners fail to “cue” that drive as they once did, some men seek new partners, new experiences or pornography, to jar that response back to the original intensity. This has nothing to do with, or is the responsibility of a committed partner or spouse; it is a function of male maturation. But there is something oh so
beguiling about the mindless, overwhelming beauty of pure instinct that we have trouble letting go of it Of course, male virility itself is measured by that degree of instinctive drive we maintain.-

Regardless of this change, I suspect we men hold onto the belief that our sexual response should always be an “instinctual” (read; effortless) matter and if that “instinctual” aspect is not present then we are not interested in sex. As with women, there is wide variation in the way this manifests itself in men; some men see only a gradual decline over the years while others experience a significant drop off. It is very likely genetic and hardwired. If a man is of the latter ilk a loving partner can witness that decreased interest in sex with regret, concern and hurt.

If a man has abnormally low T levels, testosterone therapy can have the results alluded to in previous posts. However the vast majority of men suffering from low libido have normal T levels. In this case T therapy will not improve libido but can lead to very dangerous and irreversible consequences. Still a T level test is simple and should always be checked out.

There is also a plethora of experimental, unapproved drugs on the horizon (PT 141, apomorphine, phentolamine, Zoraxel, PL-6983, cabergoline, Melanotan II) which claim to transport men (and women) back to the libido of their teens. Having dabbled with a few I can attest to their efficacy. In a few years some of these will reach the market and provide an entirely new avenue for both men and women. It should be noted that none of the three PDE-5 inhibitors currently on the market have any effect upon libido
.
I apologize if what I have written is self evident or redundant. I know low libido in men and FSD is much more complex than anything I have explored here.

[Guest]

I think you should talk to him.... communicating with you husband is the best you could do.... tell HIm how you feel...ask him what wrong with him ..Try to seduce him.in a new way .Wear Lingerie...fruits something to spice up your relationship with your husband!! you have only been married 4 years !! GOOD LUCk WITH YOUR husband!!

*edit*

[LilahX]

I have a close friend a similar problem. Her husband has no interest in sex as he's become impotent, and has no interest in talking about it let alone doing anything about it.

Whether his reluctance to deal with is embarrasment or he really just doesn't care I don't know, but without talking nothing can be resolved and my friend is at a loss also as to what to do. She has in fact given up trying to talk to him about it and is pretty much resigned to the fact that at 52 her sex life is over.

Maybe he has lost his libido or his ability to function and feels his manhood is lessened and therefore is threatened by it being brought to his attention.

Sighhh. This can't be resolved if he isn't willing to talk about it and 'talking' is something men aren't that keen on unfortunately.

This isn't much help to you I know, and even knowing you're not alone in this isn't much consolation. This is a very difficult issue and I hope someone can shed a bit more light on it for you.

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

So when you were sixteen (before you were married I assume) you had a one night stand and you still paying for it today. Your husband wants sex maybe 5 times a year but when he does there is absolutely nothing in it for you. The sum total of you sexual experiences for the last 7 ½ years has been him and your one night stand which you probably experienced in a slightly altered state. He believes your cheating and your not. Still for him I would have to admit it’s an entirely logical conclusion based upon his intimate knowledge of his own behavior.

I have to tell you, you got one heck of a pistol there.

Someone that self centered and selfish will not come of his mark unless confronted by an incredibly compelling event. I don’t think persuasion and emotional appeal will rise to that level. I hope I am wrong.

[TheOldMan]

No more go?

I used to be interested all the time but my wife was not. I understood, we have three children, she stays home with them, she's tired of children after her all day. I help with the chores, Saturday was her day to leave the house all day and do whatever she wanted (still is) but no go. So I backed off. The children are older now, all in school, but after years of repressing my desires, I realize that I no longer have any interest. I still adore her but it's not an on-off switch.

[Nyoko]

Oh Nyoko, why are so many couples not in sync. Maybe over time and asking so many times, he decided you weren't interested, and so now he has lost interest.

He kinda of said that. So So then I just stopped bothering him. The other day he was finally turned on all of the sudden. which made me a bit happy, but it was a bit random, then again it always is. And no he is not getting sex anywhere else. I know that for a fact.

[Hopeless Dork]

(Very informitive post)

Reading what you had to say about that instinctual effortless response men crave has me both enlightened and feeling a bit ...hopeless.

This does explain why many men turn to porn. Senses get dulled being with the same person so where once the arrousal was effortless, just from a few whispered words or the sight of your body, now require more effort, touches... etc. So things like porn get that effortless arrousal more than someone you are with every day.

It feels good to understand why it may occur but also feels like we're working against nature when in a long term relationship and that is a scary thought. The more I am with my guy, the more I want him. I hate to imagine that the more I am with him, the more I'm becoming stale to him.

Good knowldege, yet very depressing at the same time.

[shanda123]

i know how you feel. I am in the same boat. What is sad is that we have only been married for 4 months. I keep trying and always get shut down. Usually only get sex once every month if that. Really is depressing.I am 25 and he is 31 maybe that makes a difference don't really know.Was working two jobs so his excuse was that we never have time together. Have actually been off work the past week and he still has no interest in me. bummed out! Any suggestions?

[jns]

i know how you feel. I am in the same boat. What is sad is that we have only been married for 4 months. I keep trying and always get shut down. Usually only get sex once every month if that. Really is depressing.I am 25 and he is 31 maybe that makes a difference don't really know.Was working two jobs so his excuse was that we never have time together. Have actually been off work the past week and he still has no interest in me. bummed out! Any suggestions?

Unfortunately this is a problem, whether the one who wants sex less is male such as in this case, or female. The one with the lower sex drive controls the sex in the relationship. You can have him tested for testosterone levels, check into affairs, check texting, check online dating and see if he is masturbating instead of paying attention to you. But there may not be smoking gun. Can you continue to live this way is the question you have to answer because he is not likely to change. Did you two used to have a more normal sex life? When and why do you think it changed? There are also a lot of threads on this subject that you can go over.