[msfoxy03]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and he is talking about marriage less and less. He met me when I had been abstainant for four years. I chose to give that up to him because I love him. We argued at first because I wanted to wait, but because I felt so strong about him I was willing to compromise. Now his attitude about marriage seems to be coming to the surface. He feels that if the two people are happy then they should leave it as it is and marriage will come.

This really goes againg how i feel, and sex with him has been an new experience for me. he has taught me things that i never knew. He is over 10 years older than me. I dont understand why he is avoiding marriage. The first time he mentioned me and marriage is when we first seperated. But once we got back together, its just a wait and see situation.

I really want to go back to abstaining. I was more confident during those times and able to concentrate on school and other things.

he doesnt belive in abstainance but i do. of coarse once you start having sex it becomes addictive, but i am able to put it on hold if he agrees.

what can i do about this.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi msfoxy03.

Well sounds like you have already given up a lot for this man, and you have also given in , or just plan given.

You've fullfilled his fantasies with "uniforms" and accepted "being on top" trying to ascertain how to do that better.

But he skirts.

I don't think you "moved to fast" rather look at it in a different light.

He is 10 years older than you, you were better of in the concentration department when you "astained", not thinking about sex is what I am sure you are saying, because you are concentrating so much on how to be better at that, than you are on concentrating on school and other things.

What I would say to you would be don't...

Don't abstain.

But, don't give as much as your giving and not concentrate on "YOUR LIFE", seems you are working real hard to concentrate on getting it all right FOR HIM that you are forgetting yourself.

Perhaps 12 months is not enough for him to be totally overwhelmed with you as a person, but overwhelmed with the fact that you are open to all suggestions with him being intimate.

Maybe he needs to see that "strong woman" that you can be the "independant one" whom can make all of her life more equal.

Telling a man "no sex now" after giving, will make him walk.. And, it's not the answer.

Finding you and being you and he is a "partner" not your life, is what you need to seek at this point of time in my opinion.

You lost yourself somewhere along the way and have totally committed yourself to him, guys love commital in the bedroom and loyalty but the like a woman to be independant as well and does not "need" him, marriage is not important it is a way of you saying "your mine aren't you?"...

Don't push someone but don't give your all and nothing to yourself either, it may be that he is not the marrying kind and you definately need your own independance for that in-case that is the case and you have to walk one day to find someone that respect you more and give you more not just in the bedroom.

CW

[silvertae]

I really don't think abstaining from sex is going to be a solution to your problems and it will only create more strain in the relationship. You say you already had a separation and you've only been together for a year? Maybe I'm just an idealist (or cynic?) but if you have major problems within the first year of a relationship I don't see things going well in the long term. It honestly sounds like he's distancing himself from the relationship if he's stopped with the marriage talk. Sounds like he's not sure.

However, if you think having sex is distracting you from more important things in your life then you have a right to quit. I just don't see this guy putting up with it, honestly. But do what's best for yourself.

[msfoxy03]

We seperated because I had to move away temporarily, but he did not want to break up. it was me thinking that a long distance relationship wouldnt work.
i have mentioned to him that i want to go back to abstainance and he says "that doesnt make since. what will it prove if we both know that we want to be together."
I was thinking in the beginning that it was all about sex, or that he was taking advantage of me because I was much younger than me, but I observed things and that wasnt the case.

thaks for the advice

[WildChild]

Why do you want to marry him? Are you planning to have a family together? Have either of you been married before and are there any children? It sounds like the two of you may have very different wants and needs. Is your desire to return to abstinance, not so much a desire to quit having sex but rather a desire to have a degree of separation so that you can reclaim your sense of self? Some women, and probably some men as well, get 'lost' in a sexual relationship. This happens for a variety or reasons but most are tied to self esteem.

In a relationship both will be doing some adjusting to accomdate the other, you may do that in a freindship too. Part of the personal growth and development that occurs in relationships comes from seeing another's perspective, trying out new things, whether new to both of you or each being exposed to interests the other has. This should be a mutual process. Sharing a long held interest with a new partner can bring fresh excitement but there has to be give and take.

Your statement that you were more confident and better able to focus while abstinate seems to indicate that you have been submissive in this relationship and sublimated your needs to his. Is that the case? For some people sex is about power more than sharing and unless that is what you are looking for, it isn't healthy. Get a hold of one or two Regina Thomashauer's books and read what she has to say about men needing to please women. You should be happier, not less desparate, with him in your life. Are you better of with or without him? HIM not sex with him! Is the sex is simply amplifying other things in the reationship? Sex is better with a positive emotional connection but it can still be awfully good without it, as long as poor sex isn't the issue, then sex is probably a side issue. Start digging and figure it out. This is about you learning to keep your sense of self and purpose while in a relationship more than it's about sex.

[Hystorm]

BAIL...!

[Richard S]

It's hard to say. You might break up with him and just end up regretting it.

If you told him you didn't want sex any more, and he started doing it with someone else, would you feel cheated on? Would it make you jealous?

Back in the 70's, people would say things like "I don't know, I just need space right now." I personally think that's a cop out, but on the other hand it might be the best way to describe how you feel right now.

The bottom line with older guys is they are supposed to be more sensitive to your feelings. On the other hand, when I was in my 30's there were times when a no-strings sexual relationship was exactly what I wanted, and I made no apologies for that. But at the same time, that's also what marriage is about. I mean, if the sex is good and you enjoy just being together, and you feel comfortable presenting yourselves to the world as a couple, what more is there to want? But you have to grow into that place, and when you're there you just kinda know you're there. It's complicated, but when you're done it's the most simple thing, to say you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Can you see yourself doing that with this guy?

You need to decide what you want for your life in general, then make a decision about what to do with this guy. I almost want to tell you to talk to your mom or a close friend (or a counselor), this is too big a life decision for you to be turning to a public forum.

Good luck.

[msfoxy03]

Well I do see myself being with this guy for the rest of my life. We have already presented ourselves to the world as a serious couple and they all rejected. Especially my friends. Now he feels as if everyone hates him and hewont be anywhere near most of them. This is why i have no one else to turn to. they will all just say Leave Him because they feel he is too old for me. But I dont care.
Neither one of us have been married. He has a son, and so do I. We have talked about having more children together. He wants twin boys and i want twin girls. we always talk about our future being together.
we both are giving and taking in this relationship, equally.he has already given up many things for me. maybe this is something i need more practice at.
I do get jealous when i think there is a woman trying to hit on him, but i wont let it bother me too much because i trust him. He is very overprotective, and i just want to be sure what type of felling i am having. this is my first real relationship, so i think i may just be nervous.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It still seems that you need a balance.

It appears that as it is your "first" relationship you are trying "too hard" and over analysing things instead of being you and instead of ensuring you also do the things that you like, and not only concentrate on him.

As for friends and family not accepting, the age, and therefore making it difficult for you both to mingle as groups, add new friends into your lives that meet the pair of you as a couple and only know that.

People should not judge but they do. In time, they will all warm, if you both are still together down the track.

I don't know what he has given up or you have given up but are they valid? I mean, are they necessary?

It is good that you both are in sinc together however, and just "chill" and stop stressing over it all, just be you.

CW

[msfoxy03]

Thanks Chandler. I know hes a good guy, I really do need to just chill and see what happens.