[Birdie_567]

Yes exactly! It's such a safe way to have a conversation and know you won't be kink-shamed. Learning to navigate those conversations is a tough skill to build, and the tests are a fantastic way to safely have conversations with someone you're still building trust and communication with.

It was a very positive experience for me, so I'll always recomend it!

[Acesup]

Encourage? Hell I wish my wife would encourage me to buy her a vibrator, or anything else to try to make sex more enjoyable for her. I wish my wife would make any effort herself to try to enjoy sex more or let me do anything to try to make sex more enjoyable. Just the effort and the wanting and trying to get off would mean so much to me. I bought her a vibrator. The WeVibe, in 2016. When we first got together we went to the Hustler store but she didn't see anything she liked. She was vanilla but still enjoyed sex at that time. Since then she has becoming increasingly and impossibly inhibited to the point she claims to not like anything that gives me even the remotest chance of giving her an orgasm. She claims to have never masturbated and never used a vibrator. She didn't say that when we first got together, its like she has become increasingly revisionist history prudish. Now even the thought of a woman pleasuring themselves is gross to her. Its like I married a vanilla but grown woman and over time she has turned into an extra from the Handmaid's Tale. I don't know what has happened to her.
I took the initiative in to get her the WeVibe because I thought it would be perfect for her and us and allow her to get comfortable with her own body and pleasure within her inhibitions and limits. Its remote control so she doesn't actually have to touch herself since she says the idea of that is gross to her (her words not mine I don't get it). Its waterproof so she can use it in the shower, and its a couples vibrator so it could stimulate her clit and g spot and still allow me to give her penetration which is the only sexual act she claims to like and not find gross. And to her credit she does really seem to like it when we are doing it she gets into penetration she just doesn't like anything else and I am like desperate to give her more orgasms and pleasure because just penetration is a difficult way to get the job done of satisfying your wife if that is all you are allowed to do. Its frustrating knowing the odds are always against you going into the act. Anyway, that vibrator has sat in a box by her bed unused for 10 years now. Don't know if it even works anymore. She said she wanted to try a vibe until I actually got one and then she got all inhibited and literally never even opened the box to try it. I had high hopes maybe it would help her ger comfortable with her body so she can figure out what she likes and teach me. Swear to god I would do anything to make that woman cum more. I hate not satisfying her enough and I hate myself for not satisfying her enough and if she would just work with me I swear I could. Its like I'm fighting her to give her pleasure.
But I would in a heart beat buy my partner a vibe if she wanted and never ever feel threatened. My only limit is I don't share with another person. But I'll take any advantage I can get in satisfying my partner if its not another person so a toy is all fun. And to be honest knowing the toy she is using to satisfy herself came from me makes it still kinda part of our sex life. So I think it is a positive thing. I just wish I had married a different woman who liked her own body.

[JonnyR]

Acesup, we’ve talked about this quite a bit in your other threads, and one thing I’ve never questioned is how much you want your wife to enjoy sex and experience pleasure. I think that’s a wonderful quality in a partner, and I wish more people approached intimacy with that kind of enthusiasm.

But something you said really caught my attention. “I hate myself for not satisfying her enough.”

My friend, that’s an awful lot of pressure you’re putting on yourself, and perhaps unintentionally, on her too.

I understand why that WeVibe sitting unopened for ten years represents so much more than a vibrator to you. It’s another reminder of what feels like a lack of effort or willingness to explore things together. But I wonder if, somewhere along the way, her orgasms have become less about her pleasure and more about validating your worth as a man and a lover.

And I say that with genuine compassion, because I know how much this has been eating away at you.

Here’s something else to consider. You mentioned that she seems to genuinely enjoy penetration and sometimes orgasms during intercourse. What if, for her, that’s enough? What if her definition of satisfying sex is simply different from yours? There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, just as there’s nothing wrong with you wanting more exploration and variety. And of course, neither of you should feel pressured to participate in something you don’t enjoy.

I’m curious: Have you ever asked her, outside the bedroom and without suggesting anything new, whether she’s actually happy with the sex you’re having? Not whether she’s having enough orgasms, but whether she genuinely feels satisfied?

And perhaps more importantly, if she told you she was perfectly happy with your sex life exactly as it is, could you believe her and accept that? Or would you still feel like you were somehow failing her?

Any updates on hormones or therapy?

[Acesup]

Honestly it depends on the day you ask and her mood whether she says she is happy and satisfied with sex or even whether or not she really has orgasms. And that is one of the most frustrating things the completely mixed messages and information to the point I don't know what to believe and what I am doing right or wrong and what to have any self confidence in.
If I ask her during or immediately after sex she would say she did orgasm, at least some of the time. Based on her responses if she is telling the truth she orgasms about half the time we have sex I want to say, somewhere around half the time on average based on her how often she tells me that she does. And that kind of helps me believe she does because if she was totally unsatisfied and just faking it all the time to not hurt my feelings I would think she would fake it more often and wouldn't also tell me when she doesn't get off. Also her physical reactions seem real, not like over the top porn star acting. Like she is vocal but not like so vocal it is obviously fake and physically I can feel her body reacting and spasming and she will usually lay there spent with me holding her and then she will say "well that was fun!" which almost sounds like surprise on her part but whatever. All of that seems like she orgasms at least half the time and is satisfied almost all of the time we have sex even when she doesn't orgasm.

But then on the other hand several times now during other conversations she has said how she doesn't care about sex anymore and would be fine if we stopped having it and one time she told me she hasn't really wanted to have sex herself in years like that she enjoys it when we are doing it but she never thinks about it or wants it. And during several arguments she has said that it is too much effort to get into it with me so she just gives me a performance and several times when she has been angry she has said to me that it doesn't feel good so she just lays there and goes "ooo" "ahhh" in her words. I know she has a habit of saying the most hurtful disrespectful things when angry and she very much hits below the belt but she has just said things like that a few too many times now for me to just discount them as just angry lashing out to hurt me. It has to be coming from somewhere and in some way how she really feels which is so completely humiliating to me to think that in 15 years I've never actually given my wife an orgasm and nothing I do turns her on enough to get her off and the whole time she has just been laying there faking it and hoping I would just get it over with already. Like I just can't live with that reality. Especially when, and I don't know any way to say this that won't sound mean, but especially when if she is bored and unsatisfied with our sex life it is her fault not mine. I'm literally willing to try and do just about anything to make it hotter for her and find ways to give her orgasms. But every suggestion I ever make is shot down and she has nothing she says she wants only limits. So she can't tell me I am only allowed to do this one thing, but that one thing doesn't work for her either but I am not allowed to try anything else and I just have to accept a reality where I know for a fact I will never get my wife off ever again and any pleasure I feel like she is feeling is just an act. That fear kills me.

And I literally do not know which reality is true anymore. If I believe what she says on the one hand then honestly as kind of boring and vanilla as her sexual limits are and as much as I know it could be so much more for both of us if what little she is into actually turns her on and gets her to orgasm for real with me then I can work with that and be happy with that. I can work with whatever tolls I am given as long as I am given tools that works. But on the other hand I can't live with the knowledge I am doomed to fail, I will never get to enjoy giving my partner an orgasm ever again and I never did all the times I thought she was satisfied and it has all just been fake and there is no hope it will ever be anything but fake not because I am not capable but because she won't let me do what i know I am capable of doing if allowed. One I can live happily ever after, the other reality I feel like I cannot live with and have any self esteem.

I keep searching for some empirical evidence beyond just her inconsistent words to know what is real. One thing I realized which kind of made me spun out and depressed was that almost all women I have been with before my wife that let me go down on them or get them off with some sort of clitoral stimulation, almost all of them had some sort of refractory period between orgasms. They could climax multiple times with me but almost always they would get too sensitive after at least for a few seconds so I couldn't just keep going I would have to back off away from the clit at least for a few seconds sometimes longer and then go back at it. She doesn't seem to have that too sensitive refractory period after she climaxes which suggests she is faking on the one hand but then because all she allows is penetration if she is getting off it is only through internal stimulation and maybe indirect clitoral stimulation as I always try to angle so I'm hitting the right spots. And she is literally the only woman I ever met who only wanted internal stimulation so maybe if you orgasm that way it is less intense and you don't get too sensitive and can keep going. Again I don't know what is real and what isn't and what to believe.

As far as the hormones and the HRT, she finally started like two months ago maybe, two or three months or so. She says she feels better and has more energy which is awesome. But I can't say I have seen any impact or change on her sex drive or enjoyment of sex with me. Which also kind of hurts me to know that I guess it was never about the hormones getting in the way, she just doesn't have any sex drive for me personally hormones or not. That feels like a real humiliating punch in the gut but I also know it takes time to get all that dialed in so I'm trying not to jump to conclusion and be all doomsday. But its hard not to totally hate myself through all of this. Therapy helps but talking about it doesn't fix it. I still go back to the same reality slapping me in the face.

But again I could be crazy. This could all be in my head. She could be totally satisfied and really orgasming at least some of the time and what I am allowed to do could be enough for her. I just don't know cause her messaging is so all over the place. I wish I could be one of those guys that never listens to his wife. I hear it all and I remember it all. I wish I could forget some of it and find a way to just fool myself and just believe sometimes.