[Amber]

Dusty in this thread!

I'm going to a sex toy party this weekend or at least that is what I think it is. lol Athena party, it is called. What are these parties like? I can't imagine but I'm guessing pretty tame.

Spent the weekend buying stuff for the new apartment. I'm going to rent a place for a year. Lease has already been signed. Moving in July.

[Texinator]

Congratulations!

[Amber]

Tex, on the fact that I was invited to a sex party?

Oh yes, the apartment, thanks! It doesn't seem real but it will soon enough. Buying all the essentials that I will need and cleaning everything out so I don't take anything more than I need, that is pretty much what is keeping me busy. It feels like I won't have enough time but it will get done somehow.

My parents went away a few weeks ago. I was in the living room reading a book. I started to hear this annoying noise. I had to listen real close to figure out what it was. It was the clock in the kitchen. My mother had bought it a few months ago but it was never that quiet in the house for me to hear it. lol I can't wait for some peace and quiet!!

[Texinator]

The party too, of course, but I meant the apartment. Hey, now you can offer to host a party in your apartment!

[Amber]

You sound like my mother. LOL Eventually I will have one with friends but if my mother has her way, there will be a family one much sooner. She is already saying how I can have everyone over. I'm cringing while she is saying it. LOL

I'm so much looking forward to some peace and quiet time! No family house parties during my weekends any time soon if I can help it. I gave up a Red Sox game the other day, just to stay home and read a book in the quiet house. And that is pretty bad for me who is a big Red Sox fan. I'm looking forward to moving.

[pretzel]

You mean you mother wants you to have one of those Athena parties at your apartment.

I have got to meet your mom.......................

[Amber]

You mean you mother wants you to have one of those Athena parties at your apartment.

I have got to meet your mom.......................

LOL I wish! Well, now that I think about it, maybe not because I would be afraid to see that party. LOL My mother would be mortified if she knew what type of party I'm going to this weekend. LOL I just said a party with some women friend. Wasn't lying. I'll have to sneak over my toys and pretty stuff to the new place.

You know that is a thought. I can't wait until I can stop hiding all of my toys. Not going to keep them just lying around all the time but I can put them in a regular draw. Or just hang up my baby dolls in my closet and put the skimpy underwear in my regular underwear draw. And I can make time to finally start using my Kegelmaster every night, not having to worry that someone might walk in. And the landlord had better leave me alone!

I'll be renting an apartment within a large house. The landlord has been really friendly so far the few times I met her and all but she had better give me my privacy as I asked for. She asked questions and one was what I want in a good landlord. I said someone who will give attention to something if it breaks but also to give me my privacy. My mother and her hit it off pretty well when they met. They met already because my mother went with me when I went to check out the place. My landlord mentioned that I should go out dancing with her daughter some day. I told her thanks but I can't dance. The last thing I want is to start hanging out with her daughter and then something goes wrong. No thank you!!! Not going there!! I'll have to figure out a way so I never go out with her daughter!

[Amber]

Ok, I had a most interesting night. LOL I bought some new and interesting toys. Some very strange stuff for me but probably wouldn't phase you guys in the least. I couldn't have dreamt up half of this stuff if I tried but then I don't know much about this stuff to begin with.

When I get the stuff, I may need some help with them trying to figure them out. But then what better place to get some help than here. The most strangest one for me that I bought is the one that sticks to the bathroom stall. Oh baby, I can't even imagine what that one will be like!! But I got that one, not for that affect, but because of its looks.

And I don't expect any miracles with these toys because I know there is more to orgasms that just the toys. But if they can help me, all the better.

[Amber]

Life living on my own is starting to calm down some. I had a major bug infestation problem in my apartment and this started right after I moved in. I finally got her to call Terminex. Disgusting!

Now that I don't have to spend my entire night killed 20 bugs, I have some time to start to experimenting. And I'm just getting frustrated. I have it in my head that I need that orgasm before the next guy comes around, but I think putting that kind of pressure on me is just making it all the worse. Can't help it.

I started reading that book the sex therapist recommended again, Becoming Orgasmic. I still haven't finished it, after all this time. I had stopped for a while, after that time my mother came in to my bedroom when I was naked. I stopped after that, afraid she would walk in by mistake again. Well, now that I have my own place, I don't need to worry about that. If the phone rings, stick them, even if it is my landlord. Unless the place in burning down, I don't need to take your call!! I don't care you know I'm home because my car is in the driveway. Ok, lets get back on track here. I can't even keep on track with this, imagine how my masturbating has been going!!

That Becoming Orgasmic book tells me to just start touching myself before you even break out the toys. So after keep trying to play with the toys, I have finally put them away for a bit. I know I need to back up and that in my case, I'm rushing ahead of myself. They tell me to just to relax and touch yourself. Find out what feels good to you. So far nothing feels wonderful to me. I'm waiting for something to feel wonderful. I'm afraid that I may be waiting forever for that!! But a point they make is Do not focus on if you are feeling anything!! Because if you do, it won't happen. Well, I guess that is one of my major problems here because that is exactly what I have been doing. But just to tell yourself not to do that, for me that is next to impossible!!!

I know I need to get into the mood. I'm never in the mood. I can't relax with the touching but as I said before, nothing feels wonderful. I guess some places feel ok but nothing is wonderful. Is it even suppose to feel wonderful, just by touching yourself? And I'm not really talking about my woman parts. But maybe that is what they are talking about. Even touch that, I'm not sure anything is so wonderful. One thing I found out is that when I was using the vibrator, I wasn't touching my clitoris. I was touching higher up. That probably adds to why I wasn't getting anywhere but I know it wasn't the main problem. Getting in the mood is my main problem.

Since I'm having a hard time fantasizing, I bought two books that the Becoming Orgasmic book recommended to me. Forbidden Flowers and Secret Garden by Nancy Friday. Don't know if either of them will be a help to me at all but I started to read some of the first one. I think it was the Secret Garden one. These books are about woman's sexual fantasies. Wow, what makes people orgasm is shocking to me but I guess whatever it takes for them.

A big part I still don't understand about masturbation. I don't understand how a virgin masturbates. Is our Gigi still around? Maybe she can answer this for me. I know not all of it but some of it does include the mind. But I would think that what turns you on is what your mind associates with certain words. So when I'm reading this book, the woman talks about how she fantasizes she is in a fancy restaurant and there is a guy under her table who is touching her. What is turning her on? I would think the idea that he is not suppose to be there and someone may find out. That builds it up but obviously it is what he is doing to her that I'm guessing is building up to the orgasm also. If they say that he is raming into her or anything like that, I'm guessing that what is turning on is she knows how it feels to have someone raming into her like that. I don't care where it is happening, you know what it feels like, and remembering what that feels like is helping to turn you on. And then the fact that it is in a forbidden place, that excites it all the more. It is wrong to say that is what is fueling her along?

Because going back to the virgin, if a virgin has never had a man touch her before, what is fueling her on? Is it the way she has touched herself and she is assuming that is the same way it would feel like if the guy is touching her? That, with the excitment of the forbidden place? Or is she associating just the touching of the clitoris? Is she associating that feeling with anything the guy may be doing with the feeling of the clitoris? Is that what is fueling her on? The excitement of that? Or are you going to tell me that nothing fuels you on and it just happens? I don't understand how that can be.

I may not be a virgin but I consider myself close to it. Actually I may be worse off that a virgin. Because hopefully a virgin is not as messed up as I feel. My only experiences with men have been lousy. The first guy it took about an hour and a half to enter me and when he finally did, I felt like he was riding me like a bull. I had no feelings for this guy anyways. It was a friends with benefit deal. That with him playing with my clitoris that only left me feeling aggitated because I had never been touched there before.

Then my ex-boyfriend, I was always too nervous to enjoy it. My mind wander and it was never on what he was doing to me. And when it was, I was never comfortable. I was not relaxed. When he first started touching me, it was either standing up somewhere, which with my feet and knee problems, I definitely can't relax enough like that. Or in a back seat of a car, sitting up. Not very relaxing either. But then when we finally got into the bedroom, I was just way, way too nervous. I couldn't get into the mood. When I touched him, I felt so self-consciuos. I was afraid that I was doing it all wrong. I wanted to please him so much but I had no idea how. It was all before I had read up on anything. I'll never forget what it was like in that bedroom. I remember one time, i'm lying on my back and he is touching me. I'm nervous and I'm not focused on him. I'm listening to the TV that I hear in the other room. He is giving me an oral and it feels very strange to me. It feels breeze and wet. That's all. Or when he is touching my clitoris, it makes me feel aggiatated. I was never relaxed in there. Never focused on him. I knew nothing about sex. I mean nothing!! I had no idea that the mind played a part in sex. Had no clue. He found me wet once but that shocked the heck out of me. By the time I realized that the mind plays a part, he had already ended it with me. I have never been with another guy since.

So I have never had any wonderful experiences in the bedroom. I never had a man do something to me that felt good that I can use now to help me orgasm. Even the light touching he did to me, that was pretty good feeling but it wasn't wonderful. At least not wonderful enough to fuel me on for an orgasm. I'm just so frustrated with all of this.

And just thinking what a mess I will be with the next guy comes along. I'm going to be so dam nervous with him, even when he just kisses me. I hope that doesn't scare the next guy away because I know I will be a mess!

I know I probably have covered most of this stuff before here but right now, I'm frustrated and don't know what to try next.

[lovelyfirefly]

I think one of the biggest parts of enjoying sex is learning to let yourself go. Don't get caught up on your inexperience just have fun and if your unsure of something simply ask if he likes it etc.. hope that helps luv