[CHANDLERS WISH]

when we first met he was there for me when I was going through a very very tough time (the breakup with the ex) and I suppose a part of me feels like I almost owe him, for the unbeliveable kindness he showed me. He has a scar on his face that my ex boyfriend gave him, every time I look at it I shiver

The Knight In Shining Armour - comes to mind

Do you perhaps think that's the key? He came to your rescue, you owe him?

That's pretty scary, that your ex fought with him for you, and left a scar on his face, must have totally scared you at the time, but would also make me go aweee over the guy who defended for me, here, being your present man.

We can be grateful for people in our lives, for sure, but we don't OWE anything to anyone, other than gratitude.

CW

[SecretlySad]

Yes, someone once told me I was "recovering" from this:


Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome

Men try to save damsels in distress because it makes them feel powerful, in control and manly. Sometimes they are afraid of women and think they won't be rejected if they fix a woman's problems. They hide their inadequacies behind what looks like strength. They know they don't have their act together, so instead of working on themselves they'd rather work on someone else. Such relationships are doomed to fail.
If these men really were strong, they would not be trying to save someone that appears to be a victim. They don't realize that aside from a few circumstances beyond one's control (acts of God, accidents, disease, etc.) one's position in life is based on who they are on the inside, not someone or something "out there". There is an axiom that says: There are no victims, only volunteers.
Knights believe that if the woman gets better, she'll become the perfect girlfriend. The only problem is that if she does become healthy, she will not want to be with someone who is so flawed that he tolerated being with a "broken-winged bird". Healthy people do not want to be with unhealthy people.
On the other hand, if she doesn't get better, the man will never have the perfect girlfriend because he won't get his needs met. In addition, his fears of an intimate relationship will not be repaired by staying with an inadequate woman. It's a no-win situation.
Why else do men choose damsels in distress?

Yeah the fight was very scary. He wasn't really defending me, I was at home. My ex was drunk and started a fight with him, then like the coward that my ex was he punched him while he was seated.

Still, every time I look at the scar I know it was over me, and I feel guilty...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry

Outbound links aren't allowed on this site, if you want me to remove the text I can, I replaced it with such, so people know what your talking about.

Well, all I can say on that note is, you have to let go of that guilt, it wasn't your fault.

Obviously, if the ex and the current were in the same place, and you were there and alcohol was involved, the obvious jealousy is going to occur but it's not your fault if one decides to lash out.

But, that also suggests you went instantly from a relationship to a relationship....

With no time in-between to get to know you and see what you wanted within a relationship next time round.

IDK, that is difficult because where does love then really come into it, that quickly?

CW

[SecretlySad]

Oh gosh, sorry...! I had no idea. Maybe I should read the rules hehe.

Obviously, if the ex and the current were in the same place, and you were there and alcohol was involved, the obvious jealousy is going to occur but it's not your fault if one decides to lash out.

But, that also suggests you went instantly from a relationship to a relationship....

With no time in-between to get to know you and see what you wanted within a relationship next time round.

IDK, that is difficult because where does love then really come into it, that quickly?

I have always done that... for a long loooong time there I basically thought I was nobody if I didn't have a boyfriend. I was a loser. So, I would always latch on to the next guy to come along and show me some attention. Each and every time a relationship came from this. I have had next to no time to myself, my own silly fault... looking back I can't believe I didn't even THINK.

Last time I was briefly single I was 21, and a much different person than I am now.

Oh God CW I do love this man. I care for him and he has always been there for me but he's... just not what I want anymore, and I hate myself for that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh God CW I do love this man. I care for him and he has always been there for me but he's... just not what I want anymore, and I hate myself for that.

Quit beating yourself up

If that's your decision, your allowed to make it... It always hurts, it's always hard until it's done and you start moving into the direction you want out of life.

You purely and simply haven't had "me" time in your life and your 27 wanting to find you, who you are, where you want to go, experience, experiment, travel, be...

I can only suggest to you that you start to find you, if you like gyms the join one, if you have a hobby then start doing it, if you haven't been seeing your friends much, then start seeing them.

Start to gain some independence of things that are "you" and then go from there..

It's important to find you and I think that's all your seeking...

[rcoreyus]

If he loves you, he would rather you leave and be happy.

Oh gosh, sorry...! I had no idea. Maybe I should read the rules hehe.



Oh God CW I do love this man. I care for him and he has always been there for me but he's... just not what I want anymore, and I hate myself for that.

[SecretlySad]

You purely and simply haven't had "me" time in your life and your 27 wanting to find you, who you are, where you want to go, experience, experiment, travel, be...

How do I tell him this? He thinks all that "I need to find myself/I want some time alone/I want to figure out who I am" stuff is a load of rubbish... this is what I mean, he is not like normal people who understand this stuff. He is impossible.

It's important to find you and I think that's all your seeking...

You think it's more about me, than about my feelings for him??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Corey
If he loves you, he would rather you leave and be happy.

This is true, and spoken by a male.

How do I tell him this? He thinks all that "I need to find myself/I want some time alone/I want to figure out who I am" stuff is a load of rubbish... this is what I mean, he is not like normal people who understand this stuff. He is impossible.

But, he's not you.. I don't think that is what he thinks, I think he just states that to you.. Just say to him "I am not you, this is how I really feel"...

You think it's more about me, than about my feelings for him??

Do you?

[SecretlySad]

I don't know what I think... I am so messed up.

It's funny, I have spoken to him briefly about these things before, and he said his ex told him the exact same things... they started dating when she was also 21 (I think he was about 28 at the time) and when she was around the age I am now she said she is not the same person she was when she was 21 etc etc... I don't think they broke up - he eventually ended things with her after 9 years - but yeah... apparently when they split she found that she was in fact the same person and was still in love with him and all this stuff... it's all over the place.

All I know is that it doesn't feel like a relationship and as I mentioned in an earlier post, each passing day feels like a waste. When I come home at night I feel like I am coming home to a flatmate, or a brother, even though he is very affectionate with me. Same when we are hanging out on weekends. I love walking down the street with him, holding hands, cuddling, but it is not in a romantic way for me... if that makes any sense??

The fact that we never have sex doesn't bother me, the fact that we never have sex and I don't care, does.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have another belief

All your doing here, why you joined is opening up to yourself about you and finding.

If your mind is going in 100 directions of thoughts and you haven't an answer then you don't act.

I think we "act" once, we know the answer.

Your man is mature in age and has seen this before and whether he advised you of his ex, or she did regarding her love established after she left isn't really relevant. Because we are different people, she was different to you in-other-words.

So what ever you think has to come from you, not what other's have experienced, done in a simular situation.

Take time out for you, as I said even if with him.. Just do a few things on your own with friends, or a hobby and take time to consider your feelings, your thoughts and when you come to a conclusion, you will know...