[SecretlySad]

I am always doing things on my own. The past 2 weekends I have spent Saturday night out with girlfriends. I go out on my own with my friends all the time, I go to classes on my own, I spend a lot of time by myself doing my own thing, yet still I feel trapped and feel this confusion about out relationship. This is what I can't understand...

As I think I mentioned in my very first post, he gives me all the freedom in the world and I take it, but it just isn't enough.

Just having to tell him, almost report back to him with what I am doing (not because he is controlling, but just out of courtesy), drives me mad. Sometimes I just want to... GO! DO! BE! without having to tell anyone... you know??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, ask yourself "why" you feel trapped.....Perhaps that may help your confusion.

[SecretlySad]

Because I have spent the past 10 years of my life - basically my entire adulthood - always having to think about someone else, and ALWAYS putting my needs second.

I have reached a point where geez I'm sorry, but I want to be selfish for a little while. I want to focus on ME and the things I want, rather than focus on someone else's wants.

Do you know I have never even owned a car? And why - because WE already have a car. It doesn't matter that it's huge and I can't drive it, it's what we have and that's what I am going to have to settle for. Yes dear, I say. Of course. You're right. Oh you spent $40,000.00 on motorbikes when you were in your 20's? Oh well, tough luck to me. Maybe I'll get to splurge on MYself one day while I'm still young.

Gosh... I'm sorry.. I am just getting so worked up thinking about it all. I am 27 and already a bitter resentful old hag.

[WildChild]

You have job, you have money, what stops you buying a car for yourself (put it in your name Only)

[SecretlySad]

Hi Wildchild, not sure if you saw my earlier post but he wants us to save for a home. As he is 44 and so far behind all his friends his age, he wants to have it by next year. We have been saving for 5 years together, and... that's just the way it is. I am not desperate to own a home, but he is constantly telling me how important it is for the both of us. I feel like a silly child if I jump up and down going "But I want a car! But I want a holiday!"

[SecretlySad]

He says things to me like "if you want a car, go and buy a car sweetie, it's up to you", but then what kind of couple would we be??

I already live at HIS house (my name is not on the lease), so if we break up I am going to be the one who has to leave... what do I want to spend the rest of my days living at his OTHER house when he buys it?? Heck no. I know I can't have it all but... geez it's so hard.

[SecretlySad]

I feel like he already has so much of the control in our relationship...

Sorry I am rambling.

[WildChild]

Read back through everything you have written. You know what you want/need to do.

[SecretlySad]

No... hehe I don't. That's my problem, I am so confused and muddled up that I don't know if what I am thinking is just my mind playing tricks on me, if I am overthinking, underthinking... I'm a complete mess and he knows nothing about it.

I don't really know WHY I want it to be over.. is it the age thing? Me wanting time to myself? Control issues? That it just feels like a friendship? I just feel like I am going to go to speak to him and nothing is going to come out of my mouth.

I'm sorry you guys I know I have been a major handful...

[caterpillar79]

It's okay. That is why WH is here, that's why we all come here - to support each other....

Have some self-talk time sometime, as WC said, read back and really dig deep: what is it that you really want? Think about yourself for a moment and honestly see through your heart. Then come back.