[CHANDLERS WISH]

I loved my Daddy and I HATED him being mad at me too

[sourpuss]

This is just one part but I have to tell you, lady to ladies, and I hope you won't judge me too harshly.... I miss sex sooooooooooooo much. Oh man.

I know it seems silly, but anyone who says that isn't a big part of a relationship is full of rubbish.

What do you think of my list, cat??

Agreed. But I'll take a little good sex over a lot of unfullfilling sex any day.

[SecretlySad]

Once again CW, your frighteningly accurate post has made me sit up and think a lot.

Did you have problems as a child, being guided and told what to do? haha. No, what I mean is your being stifled, every time he says "you can do something, he then ends it with a negative", and so you don't go ahead and do it, ie) You can buy the car sweety but.....

As a child you were "told" what you were going to do and not do, and here you are at 27 still having the same thing happen...

Yes, I know... and he has this way of making me think he is just trying to do the right thing by me/us.

One time that sticks in my mind the most is when my workmate came to me and said she was going to be doing a pole dancing fitness class, and would I like to join her. I was soooooooo excited! I thought it'd be so much fun, a bunch of the girls getting together and doing something a little cheeky - all while getting great exercise!

Well...

I went home and told him and he didn't like the idea.

"What do I tell my family if they call and invite us to a dinner when you're at one of your "classes" one night?"

I explained to him that this was a class, with fully clothed people. No sleazy guys, just women in sweats and singlets! Nope, wouldn't have any of it.

Then later he would make fun of me... aaaaany time anything about pole dancing came up he would say "oh, she's just "exercising" hey?" He went on and on and on and ON about it. Oh he never said the words "you can't do this", but he made me feel SO awful about even THINKING about doing it. This is what he does. He does the same thing with clothes I want to wear that he thinks are too revealing. No "orders", but snide little remarks that make me feel trashy.

How your future will un-fold is his way.

Yes... recently we had some friends over, and they wanted to know why all the stuff in the house was his and I had nothing. I was so embarassed. You wouldn't even know I lived there, there is nothing that says I do. I wanted e.g. incense, but he hates the smell.

Your hurting inside and like a butterfly want to spread your wings.

Yes...... :'(

[SecretlySad]

I loved my Daddy and I HATED him being mad at me too

I think my dad actually has a lot to do with how I feel about my boyfriend... there have only been 2 men in my life that truly frighten me when they get mad - my dad, and my boyfriend.

[SecretlySad]

Ok I have whined enough today. Now to do my usual look back on what I wrote and feel bad about it lol. He is NOT a bad guy, really. He's wonderful...

Thanks again lovely ladies. Talk soon x

[CHANDLERS WISH]

mmm...

It's strange, there is a saying pretty much that we look for a "Daddy" image in our future husband. I tend to think that's true in a way. I'm not sure whether it's the "protection", "what we were used to", therefore trust?

Seriously though?

YOU SHOULD NEVER BE WITH ANYONE WHO FRIGHTENS YOU...............

I tend to think it's like abuse.

Bare with me.

People that have been abused and have low self esteme, go onto the next partner, whom also abuses.

Here, you've gone from a Father whom scared you, to a Father figure who scares you when they get mad.

You fear their authority and so you curl up and hide instead of facing it full on, with strength.

With all the pros and cons, likes and dislikes, loves and hates... You are not free, that's the bottom line. You can't be yourself, who you truly are and as I said, your stifled.

I don't know whether we have to sometimes get to a point of "NOOOOOOOO" I can't do this anymore, I don't WANT to... before we walk, but ultimately, we do.

No one has the right to control you in this fashion, to what you were, whether you have a car, what you choose to do as a hobby, etc.

I do understand the saving for a home, that's sensible but like I said, that should not mean you can't go out and get a car, of some value that belongs to you.

What you also showed is you have no identity.

There is nothing in that house that is you.
You have no car, so you have to rely.
You can't do things that you would find fun.

You don't have an identity.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He is NOT a bad guy, really. He's wonderful...

No love, I don't think we have actually said he is

You are chalk.
He is cheese.

Two different people that's all, with two different mindsets.

There goes that guilt again huh?

Maybe, your Father had a way of making you feel this way and you haven't gotten over that and still feel it, but now with this man...

See ya tomorrow no doubt, hope. lol..

[caterpillar79]

If he loves you, he would rather you leave and be happy.

I want to reiterate what Richard posted.

[Guest]

Everything you write of the problems is in fact an age thing, but it's also coupled with his control over how you live your life.

His control, or her submission?

Don't make her into a victim or him into a villain.

Who does she have to blame by choosing to stick around?

Not him.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If only things were that "black and white" in life, we wouldn't need councellors

If a person "fears" outcomes/outbreaks - And/0r If a person takes away all passions and dreams from someone, strips "identity" a person can suffer from anxiety, of real fear to take that step. I think it takes confidence...

Alot of women, including me have been there, not happy, feel abused or controlled and have had to wait to re-gain the confidence to do so.

"Build the life you want and then find someone to share it with, someone who fits where you are and where you are going..."

CW