[SecretlySad]

It's strange, there is a saying pretty much that we look for a "Daddy" image in our future husband. I tend to think that's true in a way. I'm not sure whether it's the "protection", "what we were used to", therefore trust?

Seriously though?

YOU SHOULD NEVER BE WITH ANYONE WHO FRIGHTENS YOU...............

Yes, I know... I don't think for a second that he would ever lash out at me physically, my dad never did either, but when he raises his voice oh man... I just get so scared and my heart starts racing. The other night (after a few drinks) I admitted to him that I had said sorry just to keep the peace before. He got mad and asked how many times. I wanted to shout "dozens!!!" but because I could see him getting mad, I backed off and said "only once or twice.."

I know I can't go on like this. I should be able to feel like I can say what I want without it reaching a point where he has scared me so much that I decide to hold the rest in. After 5 years and I still feel uncomfortable? Geez...

There is nothing in that house that is you.
You have no car, so you have to rely.
You can't do things that you would find fun.

You don't have an identity.

That's what makes never having been alone even harder. I already have no idea who I am, then this.

No love, I don't think we have actually said he is

You are chalk.
He is cheese.

Two different people that's all, with two different mindsets.

Yeah I know.

I just don't want to make out like it is all him him him, he's some big controlling ogre or whatever.

Who does she have to blame by choosing to stick around?

Not him.

I never blamed him. I know my staying has always been my choice, I can change that at anytime.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You say, you've been on alot of Forums and have discussed this very topic, however, without success, that being, without resolution.

You want intimacy, lust, desire.
You want to travel.
You want a new car.
You want to be able to speak freely.
You want to be able to place your incents/candles, womanly things in the house.

I am sure a teacher yelled at you as a child, did that also frighten you?

Your boss.. .etc.

If you feel like a "child" at 27, being told how to live your life, and you remain in that sphere, you will be like a child and shut up and take it...

Confidence and more independence to gain that confidence...

Someone gets "mad".... you know they are not going to hit you... It's only their expression that you fear, voice raised...

So, knowing that, there shouldn't be fear, you can't get hurt can you... They can't hurt you....

[SecretlySad]

Someone gets "mad".... you know they are not going to hit you... It's only their expression that you fear, voice raised...

So, knowing that, there shouldn't be fear, you can't get hurt can you... They can't hurt you....

Yes I have tried to tell myself that time and time again. I will admit something to you now that I am very embarassed about.... when he leaves for work in the mornings and I have the house to myself, THAT is when I let loose. I pretend he is still there and I yell. I scream. I pretend he is sitting on the lounge and I am screaming at him. I say everything I want to say. I get it all out. Only then I know he can't yell back, or walk away.

I KNOW this is not a good thing to be doing.

It's his shutting down/withholding that makes me hold back the most. I can be out of control, very upset and crying and he will still just sit there, reading a paper or whatever, rolling his eyes and pretending I'm not even there. As I mentioned before, once it went on for 2 whole days. He didn't speak a word to me and then when I asked him what was wrong, he said he didn't think I was treating him right anymore. Didn't come to me and talk, just completely ignored me. Eventually I just gave up. I can't live like that.

You know my experience on here has been very therapeutic, thank you CW. It feels so good to be able to talk and not have idiots going "Oh ffs, just put the poor guy out of his misery. You don't love him, get it over with"

[CHANDLERS WISH]

lol on the last one. I think I know which Forum you went to and got told all of that...

We're polite here anyway

In a way, that's good that you do that when he has left, purely because it has allowed you to get it "out" into the open, off your chest. Problem, though is it all comes back again, over and over again.

You can't "keep" doing that... You either have to have the courage to stand up for your beliefs and tell him "you either communicate with me, instead of treating me like a child, I'm 27 not 19, or have your tantrum of rolled eyes but know this, I won't accept that anymore, it's childish and I've had enough"..."think about that"..... then YOU, walk out..

You won't imagine how that will feel ..

[SecretlySad]

It's giving me shivers just thinking about how good that would feel hehe

I did come back at him once, but I had a lot of wines under my belt so a lot of courage too lol... geez it felt great though. The next morning with a throbbing head, I woke up with a smile but it quickly changed because I knew he wouldn't be speaking to me and I'd have to deal with the rubbish.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ah, but see if you can do it once you can do it again, but my way was tactful, pointing out your age and also communication, as apposed to he said/she said

What's strange is that you are dying to have that independence, and respect and lust.

But won't leave him.

I'm thinking you you have to find yourself? Because, you have a fear as well of living on your own and starting again, which is normal but also a fear of not finding someone else you can relate to, and a fear of making an error if you left and a fear of following that dream of yours, the one where you see yourself driving your car, travelling, having wicked intimacy and lust/fun....

Ask yourself in reality, which one you'd prefer, the fear of un-known or the fear of current being...

I know I would prefer the fear of the un-known because then I AM IN CONTROL....

[SecretlySad]

Ask yourself in reality, which one you'd prefer, the fear of un-known or the fear of current being...

I know I would prefer the fear of the un-known because then I AM IN CONTROL....

That is a very good point...

I have a fear of the unknown, but I also get butterflies when I think about it. It excites me so much.

I definitely know what I'd prefer, I have known for some time, it's just mustering up the strength and courage to be prepared for a not-so-easy breakup. My last one nearly drove me to severe depression and more.. I think if I hadn't ever moved in with him this would be a lot easier.

[SecretlySad]

LOL... I don't usually take horoscopes too seriously, but I was quite shocked at mine for today:

Where's the guard outside the door? Where are the bars on the window? What makes you think that you are trapped in a situation you can't escape, obliged to contemplate a long list of unpalatable options? To what extent are you holding yourself back by hanging on, too tightly, to a pessimistic view that has cleverly disguised itself as 'realism'. Your highest hopes and your most inspiring dreams are perfectly realistic. It's actually your most overpowering fears that are ludicrously far fetched now!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh dear ....

It could have been about finances, but alas, lol, some of those words huh? Well, forget any of our advice, go with the horoscope I mean seriously, that's so accurate it's not really funny is it.

haha.

No, I mean, it's not funny... lol.

[SecretlySad]

Haha I know!! Just wanted to share.