[idon't]

Hi everyone.
I've been concerned lately about my bf being bisexual.we've been together for 4 years,we're both 20 years old and our story started since we were very close friends friends(since we were 7 years old!).

At school he had trouble with kids calling him gay beacause he didn't play football,only had girl-friends,didn't like sports and because of his slighty feminine manners. When we were around 14,he was wonering if he was bi and had entered many times into gay sites or chats but has never been with a man,and according to him,he would never do that.

He has never cheated on me or been with another woman,he's really into me.Even when we broke up for almost a year,he dated 2-3 girls for a short period of time and didn't want to have sex with them and told me he couldn't get it up!During this time,when we were separeted,he was talking to me about a "thing" he has and doesn't want anybody to know.

He was talking about him being bisexual but i didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable so we didn't talk about it. When we got back together i asked him how is it possible when we're not together that he thinks about his orientation and when we're together he acts like normal. He said it was because he couldn't find a girl he liked and that's why he was wondering if he had other preferences.

Everytime we get to talk about this,he's getting really upset. What is bothering me now is something i found out a week ago. He has a gay friend who i know is visiting gay sites when he's at my boyfriend's house. However,last week,i was checking my bf's pc history(i never do that and i don't know why i did!) and found out that he had visited some gay sites but the thing is,his friend hasn't there when this happened.

I hecked out some sites his friend had visited when he was there and they were the same. Which meens my bf remembered what his friend had seen and checked it out a day or two after he was gone. He did this on 5/5 and 6/5 as i can remember.

When he got back home,he was on his laptop(i was sitting next to him) and said "oh noooo!" and seemed terrified!! He took the laptop descretely away and did sth. I acted like i didn't notice what he was doing and when he went to take a bath i found out he had just errased his history! Isn't this weird?!

I don't want to talk about this with him now,because i know he's gonna act really upset but i was thinking about waiting to see if in a month for example he visits more gay sites.

I don't have any problems with bisexuality etc,but i have a problem with him because he's not honest and i feel a little bit like he's taking advantage on me. I know that he loves me very much but he's way too into me,to the point it makes me think that he's to scared to see what would happen if we were not together,afraid to confront his orientation. I love him very much too but sometimes i'd like him to be more active in general and act more like a man.

There's a side of me who doesn't like his feminine ways or the fact that he might be bisexual,because that's just not my type of men,and the other side that believes in us and our future together and loves him very very much.i'm confused.

Please,help!

[GentlemanGhost]

Honestly, it sounds like he is a women trapped in a man's body.

[eleni]

actually weirdly i was thinking that ^.

you have every right to expect honesty
regardless of his sexual orientation
you guys need to have a real chat about this
because its not something that you can just ignore and hope it goes away...

x

[Hopeless Dork]

I didn't read anything into what you said that makes me feel like he's a woman trapped in a male body. More seeming like a bi-curious, bisexual guy... possibly leaning more towards gay sexually, but also loving you (you guys have been together a LONG time, grew up together practicially... the thought of being without you likely scares him)... but if his porn of preference is men... if its men he's masturbating to... its pretty likely men are what do it for him sexually , but his love for you is what keeps with you and wanting you.

You are goign to have to decide for yourself if the co-dependency, you both being together so long, being best friends, is enough for you... or if you will eventually need to be with a man that has the kind of passion for you, a man sexually excited by women would have.

Talk to him about it. Tell him it doesn't help for him to get mad, that you are not mad, you just want him to be honest with you, that its only fair if he puts it all on the table and lets you decide what you want to do. Him lying and pretending to be someoen he's not just to keep you isn't going to make either of you happy in the long run.

[KMonte85]

*Removing quote that was previously edited*

Not to play "mommy" here and scold or anything, but show a little sensitivity. Whether you're joking or not, this is probably not a laughing matter for idont. She came here for understanding, constructive advice, and support for a situation in her long term relationship with her boyfriend - not Rodney Dangerfield impressions.

Also, please be aware that being bisexual, being gay, being a male with traditionally "feminine" interests or vice versa does not mean that person is transgendered. There is a difference. Educate yourself.

idont, it does sound like your boyfriend is questioning his sexuality and is uncomfortable with the whole subject. If he's brought it up before then you know it is on his mind, and his behavior with the gay sites should tell you so too. Why does he get upset when you talk about it? Is he upset with you or upset at himself and his feelings? You should try to help him open up and get to the bottom of what he's feeling. Tell him you love him, that he means the world to you straight, gay, bi, or otherwise, and that you are there to support him either as his girlfriend or as a good friend who has been there with him through thick and thin for years.

As painful as it may be for you, as his sexual orientation will affect your relationship, you both need to be true with yourselves. If he is bisexual or gay, he may be using you as his comfort zone so he doesn't need to question his sexuality. That's not healthy for him or you. And as much as you're hoping for and planning your future together, it is best that you be honest with yourselves about what the future may really hold.

You two really need to talk.. the hard part is getting him to open up to you and start communicating his feelings, thoughts, and questions. That's the first step. Just try to bring it up when you're both in a relaxed state, when you're both ready for what could be a pretty deep conversation, and approach the subject being completely supportive and objective.. even the slightest tinge of anger or judgement in your voice or manner could shut down the conversation entirely. Best of luck to you. It's a tough spot to be in!

[idon't]

Thank you very much everybody.I don't think he's a woman trapped in a woman's body at all!and as for the sites,it coulb be curiosity but is this normal?i mean,being curious when ur 20?i also forgot to mention that everytime he gets to talk to men he doesn't know very well(my brother etc) he's very unconfortable.once we had a conversation and denied he was bi or something and said that even if he were that wouldn't be a problem as he's really into me.i don't know if he watches gay porn or anything...i have no clue.i found some streight porn on his computer too.so,it's difficult to say...yes,we grew up together,we're soulmates and if we broke up for this reason i don't think we culd ever get together again.would i be very close-minded if i broke up just because of him being bisexual?(if he is).Oh,and i'd like to add something.Once he was at the beach with friends and they met some people.one of them was gay and he talked to me about him(not something sexual,just his job and told me he is a nice guy) and one day we were walking together in the street and we ran into this guy.my bf didn't want him to see him and we were hiding!why?and also,he sais he doesn't like gay sex at all and that he could never kiss a guy!but why did he visit the websites his gay friend had?ok,one last thing!i had once forgot my underwear at his place,his niece found them accidentaly
and when his mother saw them too,she was all scared because she thought he was wearing them!but his mother knew we were together!i was always at his place and i think it would be more reasonable for her to think their mine!does this mean sth?
thank you.
p.s:in bed he's doing great,no problems at all

[idon't]

p.s:did i mention that he attrackts many gay men?thx

[eleni]

sorry, i shouldnt have said that.
it just...i dont know i have friends that are transgendered and it kind of struck a chord?
obviously you know him best and would probably realise if thats what it was!

whats his family like? is he scared of being bisexual because his family are strict or something like that?

i think if he's being secretive about it it is probably more than just idle curiosity.

is this something you guys could explore together? like mabye go to some gay clubs or something? see how he feels in that environment.
i know bisexual people who are happy staying with their boyfriend/girlfriend and never feel the need to explore the other gender
but i know that i personally couldnt do that; because being with girls is a big part of who i am.
my boyfriend understands that and we have an arrangement which works for us.

it sounds like he's struggling a bit with growing up, trying to find his place in the world.
if you guys have always been together its possible that he's feeling a bit...not stifled exactly but stuck in the same role he's been in forever?

all you can do really is talk to him...ask him what he's thinking about and show him that you're open to exploring this with him and that you wont think any less of him.

also my boyfriend attracts gay men! it doesnt mean anything.

[Hopeless Dork]

Whats normal and what isn't is really individual. A bi curious guy browsing gay porn is pretty normal for a bi curious or a bi sexual or a gay guy. A straight guy typically has no interest in gay sex , if he did ... he'd be bicurious.

If he is bisexual, it would not be close minded to end the relationship for that reason, but you do have to keep in mind that bi-sexual doesn't mean he has to cheat on you with a guy, or fantasize about other men or even watch gay porn.

Straight guys are attracted to women, in the same way bi guys are attracted to both... when a straight guy gets in a relationship, he doesn't stop being attracted to all women except his own... but his attention is on his own, and its all he wants. So I don't see why the same can't hold true for a bi guy, where they can have an attraction to women and men, but only give sexual attention to their gf/wife.

The only problem with that , that I could see becoming an issue is if he develops a strong desire to act out on his fantasies, with a male and male parts... its not something you'd be able to easily accomadate.

You have to follow your heart and trust your gut, but do ask him for a heart to heart on the subject, where you are not accusatory or judgmental but simply seeking to understand him as he is, and from there decide if you feel like its something you could handle.

[idon't]

Thx...
Yes i know that if he is bisexual it doesm't mean he's gonna cheat on me.u don't have to be bi to cheat.i don't really know what's really bothering me...is it the fact that he might be bisexual or that he's not honest?i don't know...i'm decided to talk to him but should i wait for some more evidence first?it's quite tough because,as i know him,even if i talk to him nicely,he will be very stubborn and won't accept anything.but,as i said,my major concern is that i don't really know why i'm so bothered.i love him so much,i can't see myself with any other guy,the thought of it freaks me out!!