[idon't]

his father is homophobic.his mother is very open-minded and once told him that if he was gay he should tell her but not his father

[idon't]

p.s:i forgot to mention something important.there have been several times he has used violence against me while fighting over something!i did too but our strength as u can imagine is not the same...i don't know why but in his case i think about this as a reaction of insecurity,if u see what i mean

[GentlemanGhost]

p.s:i forgot to mention something important.there have been several times he has used violence against me while fighting over something!i did too but our strength as u can imagine is not the same...i don't know why but in his case i think about this as a reaction of insecurity,if u see what i mean

If he used violence ON you. Well, I think you have MUCH more relationship issues to worry about then whether he is gay.

NO man should be using violence against any female unless he is about to DIE. That is so wrong on about 1,000 levels.

[Hopeless Dork]

I wouldn't wait for more 'evidence'... and you really shouldn't consider it 'evidence' it makes it sound like you are putting him on trial, and if he gets the vibe he is under attack... he's not going to communicate - he'll likely get defensive and close up.

Instead just talk to him about how you feel, what your worries are, how you want him to be happy and wonder if he can see himself being happy without experimenting some of his curiousities, etc...

If you fear him reacting in anger... have this discussion on the phone or in a public space -- not where others can hear you, but where others can see you like a park etc. Or bring a friend and have her wait nearby.

Being in a relationship with someone where you have to fear your personal safety is not healthy. The person you love should be there to protect you and wipe your tears, not be the one you need protection from, not the one to cause you pain and hurt.

The world is full of mean, cruel people that don't care... a soul-mate, a love of your life... should not be one of them. Even if its only occasionally, once is too much.

Once a man crosses that line and shows that he can, when angry enough, use physical violence to express his hurt or anger towards you -- is likely to keep up with that pattern.

There are men that could never hurt a woman, and those that can. Those that can usually don't stop.

[idon't]

Thank you...yes,i know it's not right and told him we were going to brake up if he did that again.the thng is that usually i start it off!when i 'm very angry and for example he won't stop doing something that bothers me i may slap him but he always overeacts to that.he has no problem if it's in the street or at home!if there's a friend or not!so i stopped doin this and he did too but sometimes when we have a fight and i leave he grabs me by the arms and hurts me very much!so,i think he has an issue there.i mean a tendency.and i think it comes from his insecurity.once he told me that sometimes he hits me harder than he should because he wants me to see that we have a strength difference as he is a boy!!!that's totally crazy! on the other hand,i an rely on him for everything and get along very well,we laugh a lot together and share the same interests.when it comes to the matter of his sexuality he's being weird and gets mad because i even asked something!but as u said,i m going to talk to him quietly when he comes to see me but i know the answers already(that he doesn't want experimenting and that he only wants me) but i can't get out of my mind that he ,ay be using me as his comfort zone...

[KMonte85]

I think HD has hit the nail here... if you're in an abusive relationship (mutually abusive, I might add), then there is more than just his sexuality that is causing a problem here.

How can any have open communication in their relationship if it seems to always lead to yelling, slapping, grabbing? That's not healthy! I think this is a bigger issue in your relationship than him potentially being sexually attracted to men. Hitting is unacceptable, both him hitting you and you slapping him. Neither is any less hurtful or deplorable than the other.

As for his sexuality, if he doesn't want to talk about it or he doesn't want to admit it, there is nothing really you can do about it. Some people hide their sexuality from themselves for YEARS, some for the entire lives. With a homophobic father, and maybe even knowing how you feel about dating bisexual men, he is under a lot of pressure to be that "straight as an arrow" guy. And perhaps he is, but his actions speak differently, and it seems he is afraid of what he might lose if he is honest with himself.

Do try to have a quiet, rational conversation with him. But if he's not ready to open up about it, or gets defensive, then just let it go. At that point, you know he is either sick of talking about it or not ready yet to explore that side of him, and then it is up to you to decide if you're okay with that or not. If you are, then let him be him. If that's not enough to make you comfortable, or you can't let it go, then it may be time to go your separate ways and find someone whose sexuality you aren't questioning.

[idon't]

Thank yu very much everybody,u 've been really helpfull as i can't talk to my friends about this because i respect my boyfriend.It will be a very hard decision to brake up and i fear that i'm going to regret it.From what you guys told me,i can see it's pretty obvious that he actually is bisexual.The thing is,is it a reason to let him go?why am i so bothered?after all,if i do brake up because of my being unable to question his sexuality all the time,he'll say it's my fault and will accuse me and beg me to be with him(i know it from the last time i broke up with him,but not for the same reasons).as for the hiting and stuff,it happens sometimes but not anymore.that,f course,doesn't mean it's not gonna happen again and if it does,i m gonna let him go for sure...as i know him,i'm pretty sure he won't admit anything for fear of being without me.in our relationship,there are times when i feel like stifling because of his possessiveness.my mother always tells me he depends too much on me,he's irresponsible and that he's very girlish.my friends see his obsession over me too but consider we're nearly a perfect match.all i can say is that i love him and he loves me in return,then why is everything so complicated?!?
p.s:honestly,i'm sorry if i'm talking too much but i'm really lost :-S

[Hopeless Dork]

You have to stop with the slapping.. it is instigating a defensive response that is actually pretty natural, if someone hits you, your instinct is to hit back. Men are taught to restrain themselves against this when a woman hits them... to suck it up and deal, but that is no way to treat someone, even if a guy puts up with it without hitting back.

Hitting someone because you expect that they shouldn't hit you back since you're a girl and thus not as strong is not the best philosophy. Don't hit, even if he didn't hit you back that would be my same advice... the fact that it instigates an overly violent reaction from him sometimes reflects poorly on him and his ability to restrain himself... but at the same time you should never use violence because you are mad, you shouldn't, and he shouldn't back to you.

[idon't]

Yes i know,i 'm wrong that's why i don't do that anymore,i'm grownig up and he is too.but usually i did this cauze he was holding me in a way that hurt and it was more like a defence.not that i'm not to blame, but i'm just saying.there are times he has started it but i'm not gonna go childish and say i started he strted etc!we're both wrong.the thing is what he said to me :"sometimes i hit u harder with no reason just because i want u to see i'm a guy and we have different levels of strngth".that is something i don't like.i didn't say anything in particular,or something like "ok,then stop t,i know u re stronger" but when i think about it i can see there's something wrong in what he said.

[KMonte85]

Thank yu very much everybody,u 've been really helpfull as i can't talk to my friends about this because i respect my boyfriend.It will be a very hard decision to brake up and i fear that i'm going to regret it.From what you guys told me,i can see it's pretty obvious that he actually is bisexual.The thing is,is it a reason to let him go?why am i so bothered?

If you're not comfortable with his possible bi-sexuality, then you should probably just let the relationship go. If he tells you he's bi, you aren't going to be comfortable with it and will probably end the relationship eventually. If he doesn't tell you he's bi, you're going to keep questioning it and its going to keep bothering you and the relationship will end eventually anyway.

I personally can't say that I would stay with my boyfriend if I knew he was bi, especially if he had never even had the chance explored that side of himself. It isn't fair to him to only have explored one side of his sexual being when there is probably much more, and wouldn't be fair to me to stay with someone who is so conflicted.

There is no "blame" to be had when a situation like this ends the relationship. It is just that it has run its course and the time was right for one or both parties to move on. Would it be better to stay and be unsure and probably unhappy, just so you don't have to take the blame? Would he be better off having you as his girlfriend if the only reason you stayed was to avoid feeling guilt?

in our relationship,there are times when i feel like stifling because of his possessiveness.my mother always tells me he depends too much on me,he's irresponsible and that he's very girlish.my friends see his obsession over me too but consider we're nearly a perfect match.

That's comfort-zone talking again. From everything you've written you're not the perfect match. Your mom sees something that you can't because you're too engaged in the situation.. over a decade of being best friends, years of being a couple, it is hard to see the flaws that others may be pointing out to you. He's possessive, he threatens by saying he wants you to know he's stronger than you, he's hit you and there's a good chance he'll do it again, he's got bicurious tendencies and gets angry when you try to talk to him about it, he blames you for his problems. That is codependancy.

After your first post, I was thinking this could be something you two could work through... but it seems there is MUCH much more going on than just his sexuality. Personally, I think you would be best ending things with him and just remaining his friend (at the very most... you really shouldn't even be friends with someone who has or will abuse you). Don't let him guilt you into anything. If you live to fulfill the wants of others, your own desires in life will become void.