[MarianaLissa]

This relationship was my longest and best relationship. We were together for exactly 8 and 1/2 months. Everything was going great and then one night he uses the notepad on my phone and tells me its over. He never told me and he told me he wasn't going to tell me why . I love him and ever since he broke up with me I have felt lonely and ampty inside, I feel no one cares, I feel useless, worthless, stupid, unloved, mistreated and misunderstood. What should I do?

[socksfrocks]

This relationship was my longest and best relationship. We were together for exactly 8 and 1/2 months. Everything was going great and then one night he uses the notepad on my phone and tells me its over. He never told me and he told me he wasn't going to tell me why . I love him and ever since he broke up with me I have felt lonely and ampty inside, I feel no one cares, I feel useless, worthless, stupid, unloved, mistreated and misunderstood. What should I do?

I'm sorry this happened to you

Sometimes, there isn't even a real reason for wanting to break up with someone. You can literally wake up one morning and think "....I don't want to be with this person anymore" and it can have nothing to do with anything their partner has or hasn't done.

Your ex doesn't sound like someone to be with in the long run if he can't even talk to you about it in a mature way. I totally understand the need to know "was it something I did?" and "was I not enough?" but these are all questions our ego comes up with and can't be stroked by knowing exactly where the relationship went wrong.

Keep as busy as you can and make a point of not contacting him at all, resisting the urge to ask those questions. I promise after a few months you will be on your feet again! Meet up with girlfriends and have a cry, treat yourself to a good book or movie, do some exercise that you enjoy....you've heard it all before I'm sure, just give it time.

[socksfrocks]

ps. that's not to say that you can't learn something about yourself from a break up, sometimes those questions I mentioned are important and valuable. For instance when my last relationship of 4.5 years ended, I did ask why why why? Because it was a long relationship and my ex partner was willing to talk about it properly, we both learned a lot about our weaknesses and why it turned sour.

In your case though, this guy just doesn't sound like the type of person who would tell you properly why it didn't work, so I feel you would just be hurting yourself more by chasing him down to talk about it. Not that you ever said you would chase him down! But that's usually the instinct for someone who has been broken up with, I know I've done it!

[Ashlee T.]

There is always a reason when someone ends a relationship. Sometimes they feel like knowing the reason would be more hurtful than not knowing the reason. For instance, if you were dating a guy and found yourself not attracted to him anymore, or if you found yourself longing to be with someone else........would you tell him that? Some people would...but often times, we'd just end the relationship with a "it's just not working out" kind of thing.

The way he ended it was hurtful. But consider it a blessing. When you begin to feel like you can't live without someone, is when you need to live without them most. Why? Because it means you've lost your identity...you've let yourself establish your self worth based on who you're with and whether or not you have a boyfriend etc. It's important that you love you first. Then you can really love another.

Heartbreak stinks. Feeling like you "don't know why" hurts even more. But it's not the last time that will likely happen in your life. It happens to all of us. Consider it a blessing that he broke up with you if he truly didn't want to be with you, rather than staying with you and not truly loving you or giving you what you deserve.

[Stillness]

There is always a reason when someone ends a relationship. Sometimes they feel like knowing the reason would be more hurtful than not knowing the reason. For instance, if you were dating a guy and found yourself not attracted to him anymore, or if you found yourself longing to be with someone else........would you tell him that? Some people would...but often times, we'd just end the relationship with a "it's just not working out" kind of thing.

Yep.

I was with a beautiful, sweet young woman who loved me to death. I loved her as a person and thought she was great and fun to be around, but she didn't stimulate my mind. How do you tell someone that without hurting their self-esteem? I've been on the receiving end too. It's probably better that I didn't know all the reasons I was left.

When the circumstances (e.g. long-distance, betrayal, timing) won't allow two people to be together, it's easier to convey the reasons. But when it's just that two people don't have chemistry, sometimes it's better to not know all the reasons. You're not good for each other. Leave it at that. It doesn't mean you're not smart, attractive, a great friend, or a good person. There's probably another guy who will think you so perfect for him that he'll wonder if God arranged it so that you met. (My wife and I have both seriously considered that). Even if you don't find that guy, you don't need someone else to love you or like you to have worth or give you meaning in life.

socksfrocks advice is great:

Keep as busy as you can and make a point of not contacting him at all, resisting the urge to ask those questions. I promise after a few months you will be on your feet again! Meet up with girlfriends and have a cry, treat yourself to a good book or movie, do some exercise that you enjoy....you've heard it all before I'm sure, just give it time.

It's easier said than done, but let him go. One of my favorite heartbreak movies is 500 Days of Summer. The heartbroken one is a man, but the experience is universal. It's crazy how a book, a movie, hanging out with friends, finding something we love to do, or just letting time pass by can give us closure over something that seems like the end of our world when it happens.

[lizzardb63]

I think breakups can be healthy, as dumb as that sounds, but I think those are the times you truly get to know who you are and grow. I was in a relationship for nearly 4 years and just out of the blue one day he said he wanted to be single. It hurt REALLY bad. I was extremely depressed and it was hard to even concentrate. I kept myself busy with hanging out with friends, going to the gym, etc and it really started to help after a while. He tried contacting me a few times, but I refrained from speaking with him much because I knew I'd end up still loving him and that's the last thing I needed. There is a reason why things like that happen but you may not know it until later. It's nothing you did or didn't do. If you weren't meant to be then you weren't meant to be and most cases it's a blessing in disguise. Just keep yourself busy and try not to contact him. You'll see things clearly soon! I promise!

[Hugo-B]

OP, I can't add anything except please absorb the good advice you have received here. I'm sorry to hear about the break up of this relationship, too.

May you meet your sole-mate soon!

I had a girl dump me out of the blue like this once, the worst part was I - like I suspect you in this instance - had no idea it was coming. This happens to all the best people, so don't worry.

[Stillness]

I had a girl dump me out of the blue like this once...This happens to all the best people

...And the humblest. Were they the best before they were dumped? Maybe they're the best because they've been heartbroken. Maybe that heartache builds character. So heartbreak = good? Hmmm

[Hugo-B]

...And the humblest. Were they the best before they were dumped? Maybe they're the best because they've been heartbroken. Maybe that heartache builds character. So heartbreak = good? Hmmm

I find the best way to deal with something is to try and understand it, then learn to laugh about it (at your own expense, I think being able to laugh at yourself is important, at least it is for me). I thought the girl who dumped me out of the blue was FANTASTIC. The day before she dumped me I was at a BBQ telling all my friends how well everything was going ... I actually LOL'ed typing that!

I don't think heat-break is good, but for the majority of people it is an inevitable part of growing up, so is something you have to deal with whether you like it or not! This girl just started a fight with me, put the phone down on me and ignored me from there on.

Funnily enough we got back in touch like 7 years on last November. She's been with a pilot for the last 5 years (I thought Top Gun immediately, we always suspect the worst in these situations). She told me the reason she dumped me was because she thought I'd cheated on her. I broke a blood vessel in my chest at the gym and it looked like a small love bite, I casually told her the truth and she said she didn't believe me and dumped me because of it. I actually think the real reason was that I was too keen with her, and she found it off putting and made up that excuse; I also know she was/is a serial monogamist which didn't help.

Life goes on...

[jns]

Had that happen to me. It hurts. I'm not big on getting back together with someone who broke my heart that way.