I had a huge fight with my boyfriend of three years+ on 2/11. He told me that he fell out of love with me "a little" - at first he said he didn't feel any love for me at all. He's always been the type to hold everything in until the last minute, so that doesn't surprise me. This came as a huge shock. I felt like we were in a place of commitment, and I'd finally found someone who loves me unconditionally.
Later on, he suggested that it was just because he was stressed about school and the fact that he has three tests coming up this week. I've also been sick, so I guess due to the fact that I've been sleeping a lot he felt like he was "alone" and we were on different time-tables and just living two separate lives in one apartment. Also the fact that we're both broke, looking for jobs, and I've been suffering through a serious depression since November. A lot has been going on with my family too, but he seems to think that if I am unhappy then he has messed up. He acts like my happiness is entirely his responsibility, so if I'm not happy then he's a failure.
I think he's always afraid that if he expresses how he's feeling, then he's not paying attention to how I'm feeling. I think it's also partly my fault. Right now, he's the only good thing I have going. I don't have anything else in my life that I'm really living for. And this hasn't been kept a secret from him - it's pretty obvious. I think that's a heavy burden to put on somebody else. Even though I know he wanted to carry it, I think he feels weak now that he knows he can't. He wants to be strong for me, because I'm not strong. I feel bad having made him feel that way without knowing it.
I just am frustrated. I thought we had great communication, but for all three years most of our bumps have somewhat involved him not sharing his feelings with me. It's like he needs a thousand years to develop the right words or to understand his own feelings! So, a lot of the time he just lets it build up. I also vented a bit about how I find his care-giving style of love to be a little too fatherly and suffocating sometimes, and I think he felt a huge blow about that. He said he felt unappreciated and misunderstood, and I thought we got that covered when I apologized and said I was speaking out of a place of stress. We set new guidelines... I thought it was over. He seemed shocked and appalled when I said so, and said at the time that he still sees me as a girlfriend and partner. And then yesterday, he says he doesn't? That we no longer act like equals? That he wishes we did more together? These were all things I touched upon, yet he didn't seem to agree at the time! I don't know if it's frustration bubbling up from everywhere all at once, or what... but I just feel really heartbroken and unsure of how to act or what to do now.
I know I've been taking advantage of his kindness. I really, really do. I just feel like it's a slap in the face after I've been sick. We haven't been able to have sex much either, since he wasn't in the mood after his oral surgery, then I came down with a much of migraines, my hormones have been off, I've been on my period, and now this... and now I just feel foolish for even trying to initiate anything. He says he still thinks I'm attractive and cute (some of his complaints were about me not receiving compliments and complaining about my looks when he thinks I'm just fine), but I just... I didn't know what to do at the time.
On 2/12, we fought again. I woke up crying, and I stayed crying the whole day. However, I thought things would be back once he left to take an exam, but when he did he was like - I want to break up. It was final. I know now that you're not supposed to, but I begged him, pleaded with him to reconsider, and I even got on my hands and knees. That is when he sobbed that he just "didn't want this" anymore. I became even more hysterical, and we called my dad to pick me up. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop crying. My heart was racing. My head was racing.
So, I made the worst decision ever and I drove back over at 5AM to "fight for my love" and try to talk things out again. It seemed to work at the time. He seemed happy even to see me, even though he said that I was crazy... We talked things through. I was rational this time. We spoke and communicated, even wrote a list of things that I had to change to better myself - first and foremost - and what times/methods would make communication more worthwhile for both of us. When we finally went to sleep, he said he felt "optimistic" and we began to cuddle, he was more physically affectionate (holding my hands, etc), and he even started talking about how things were going for him - just stuff in general that was on his mind, unrelated to everything that was going on. We even joked about when how he would say he loved me this time, and he said he was even willing to give this up to 6 months of a shot. Very receptive.
HOWEVER, he overslept the next day (no surprise...), and I had to drive him to his exam which he was 15 mins late for. It ended horribly. It completely changed his mood and the atmosphere around us from optimistic to no hope. He said that it would've been fine had I never come over, and then he could blame his school problems solely on himself, but as things were now he couldn't help feeling resentful. He is the kind of person who school is his number one source of stress in life, so I feel like if he is beginning to equate me with his failure then it is no wonder that he says he doesn't love me anymore. He basically said that I should've respected his wish for space when he made it, and that it seems like I don't respect his feelings or wishes in the relationship due to that. He said I'm immature - which I am - and that I need to grow up and start taking care of myself. He basically said that he misses how we use to talk about our day when we both had things going on, going out and doing things together, etc, and that when he looks back at the last year of our relationship he just sees a bunch of "missed opportunities" where we didn't do the things we had said we would. He sees more bad then good right now.
I took my stuff, and basically I'm thinking of keeping no contact/limited contact for about three weeks. This'll give him two weeks to recuperate after his exams and be alone in the apartment, and a week to be with his family for his birthday. I asked him to at least let me know he got down to his parents' place alright, and I'll contact him on his birthday still to wish him a happy one. He replied to this with a smile and a "well you have my number" - when I mentioned his reaction seemed like a good sign (I'm really forcing it, aren't I?) he replied with: "Well, I don't hate you. I still care about you a lot." I think that's more then I started off with when we first met, and we have AT LEAST two years of really great memories before we moved in together... so isn't it worth a shot? He seems to flip-flop between some feelings and no feelings, but ultimately I'm convinced that this is all just the heavy weight of a million pounds of unspoken stress crushing and burying what is still remaining love for me. I want to believe and hope that, but he's reminded me time and again not to put too much hope into things working out if his feelings don't change. But if they do week by week, moment to moment, then there's still a lot of remaining emotion behind our relationship. I don't think it's over.
But here's a general schedule of all of our events:
-November, I had a huge panic attack about school and we almost broke up over that. We talked, and he said he needed "more from me" regarding getting my medicines straight and going back to my doctors. I aligned to see a therapist again and got with my doctor to take my medicines again (which inevitably caused my hormone fluctuation, migraines, and extreme fatigue). We talked it out, and the next day we cried about how we still wanted to make things work. He said he still loved me. Things went back to normal, we resumed our relationship.
-He had oral surgery, and was feeling out of it for around a week. We stopped having sex regularly due to this, and never fully recovered.
-My migraines started and grew to the point that I had to go to the ER after them persisting for over a week. He was very doting throughout all of this, so I had no idea that things weren't OK. I was definitely receiving more then I was giving in the relationship for a very long time, and I think the reality of it all really formulated around this point. We have different love styles, so due to the fact that I was depressed and ill, I wasn't expressing his "acts of service"/housechores-style of love that he expected nor did I know he expected it. He always put on a happy face, and never complained even when I'd ask direct questions.
-My period from hell started which gave us another reason to grow distant from each other.
-I asked him why he was acting so cold and if he still loved me. We had the first fight in the middle of the night.
This is my conclusion: we moved in together too soon, and I lost my own identity/wishes as a person. Due to the fact that I couldn't contribute financially, it felt like we were just "playing house" while we were both struggling to find work, wanting to go out but being unable to monetarily/due to sickness, etc. Oh yeah, and it's a small complaint, but even our futon broke down awhile (we never managed to get my Dad to come over to fix it), so we weren't even able to be together when we WERE together. A lot of **** just... all at once. I feel like we can make it work if we step back - I move back in with my parents, and we go back to dating on weekends . When we meet again, I want to show him the strong, confident me with plans for the future that I've tried to foster in our few weeks apart, and keep the conversation lighthearted and friendly. I want us to talk about what we've been doing, and have more fun memories grow from our being together. I think if we do that, it'll be worth it... but I've made a lot of post-breakup mistakes already. Is there even any hope?
Right now our status is "taking a break", but technically still together.
I'm just worried it'll be a "out of sight, out of mind" situation more then a he-misses-me one... I'm especially worried his parents will convince him to just drop everything entirely. I'm thinking about sending him three texts only in three weeks -
1, When he has his last exam sending a "Do your best! I believe in you!" text - or will that remind him of how I ****ed up his last exam?
2, when/if he texts me like he said he would about getting to his parents' alright, saying that I'm really glad to hear that, I hope the trip down was great, and that he'll have a fantastic birthday week with his family.
3, on his actual birthday either call(?) or text(?) to wish him a happy birthday, and joke that I hope he eats lots and lots of yummy minty castle cake.
Later on, he suggested that it was just because he was stressed about school and the fact that he has three tests coming up this week. I've also been sick, so I guess due to the fact that I've been sleeping a lot he felt like he was "alone" and we were on different time-tables and just living two separate lives in one apartment. Also the fact that we're both broke, looking for jobs, and I've been suffering through a serious depression since November. A lot has been going on with my family too, but he seems to think that if I am unhappy then he has messed up. He acts like my happiness is entirely his responsibility, so if I'm not happy then he's a failure.
I think he's always afraid that if he expresses how he's feeling, then he's not paying attention to how I'm feeling. I think it's also partly my fault. Right now, he's the only good thing I have going. I don't have anything else in my life that I'm really living for. And this hasn't been kept a secret from him - it's pretty obvious. I think that's a heavy burden to put on somebody else. Even though I know he wanted to carry it, I think he feels weak now that he knows he can't. He wants to be strong for me, because I'm not strong. I feel bad having made him feel that way without knowing it.
I just am frustrated. I thought we had great communication, but for all three years most of our bumps have somewhat involved him not sharing his feelings with me. It's like he needs a thousand years to develop the right words or to understand his own feelings! So, a lot of the time he just lets it build up. I also vented a bit about how I find his care-giving style of love to be a little too fatherly and suffocating sometimes, and I think he felt a huge blow about that. He said he felt unappreciated and misunderstood, and I thought we got that covered when I apologized and said I was speaking out of a place of stress. We set new guidelines... I thought it was over. He seemed shocked and appalled when I said so, and said at the time that he still sees me as a girlfriend and partner. And then yesterday, he says he doesn't? That we no longer act like equals? That he wishes we did more together? These were all things I touched upon, yet he didn't seem to agree at the time! I don't know if it's frustration bubbling up from everywhere all at once, or what... but I just feel really heartbroken and unsure of how to act or what to do now.
I know I've been taking advantage of his kindness. I really, really do. I just feel like it's a slap in the face after I've been sick. We haven't been able to have sex much either, since he wasn't in the mood after his oral surgery, then I came down with a much of migraines, my hormones have been off, I've been on my period, and now this... and now I just feel foolish for even trying to initiate anything. He says he still thinks I'm attractive and cute (some of his complaints were about me not receiving compliments and complaining about my looks when he thinks I'm just fine), but I just... I didn't know what to do at the time.
On 2/12, we fought again. I woke up crying, and I stayed crying the whole day. However, I thought things would be back once he left to take an exam, but when he did he was like - I want to break up. It was final. I know now that you're not supposed to, but I begged him, pleaded with him to reconsider, and I even got on my hands and knees. That is when he sobbed that he just "didn't want this" anymore. I became even more hysterical, and we called my dad to pick me up. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop crying. My heart was racing. My head was racing.
So, I made the worst decision ever and I drove back over at 5AM to "fight for my love" and try to talk things out again. It seemed to work at the time. He seemed happy even to see me, even though he said that I was crazy... We talked things through. I was rational this time. We spoke and communicated, even wrote a list of things that I had to change to better myself - first and foremost - and what times/methods would make communication more worthwhile for both of us. When we finally went to sleep, he said he felt "optimistic" and we began to cuddle, he was more physically affectionate (holding my hands, etc), and he even started talking about how things were going for him - just stuff in general that was on his mind, unrelated to everything that was going on. We even joked about when how he would say he loved me this time, and he said he was even willing to give this up to 6 months of a shot. Very receptive.
HOWEVER, he overslept the next day (no surprise...), and I had to drive him to his exam which he was 15 mins late for. It ended horribly. It completely changed his mood and the atmosphere around us from optimistic to no hope. He said that it would've been fine had I never come over, and then he could blame his school problems solely on himself, but as things were now he couldn't help feeling resentful. He is the kind of person who school is his number one source of stress in life, so I feel like if he is beginning to equate me with his failure then it is no wonder that he says he doesn't love me anymore. He basically said that I should've respected his wish for space when he made it, and that it seems like I don't respect his feelings or wishes in the relationship due to that. He said I'm immature - which I am - and that I need to grow up and start taking care of myself. He basically said that he misses how we use to talk about our day when we both had things going on, going out and doing things together, etc, and that when he looks back at the last year of our relationship he just sees a bunch of "missed opportunities" where we didn't do the things we had said we would. He sees more bad then good right now.
I took my stuff, and basically I'm thinking of keeping no contact/limited contact for about three weeks. This'll give him two weeks to recuperate after his exams and be alone in the apartment, and a week to be with his family for his birthday. I asked him to at least let me know he got down to his parents' place alright, and I'll contact him on his birthday still to wish him a happy one. He replied to this with a smile and a "well you have my number" - when I mentioned his reaction seemed like a good sign (I'm really forcing it, aren't I?) he replied with: "Well, I don't hate you. I still care about you a lot." I think that's more then I started off with when we first met, and we have AT LEAST two years of really great memories before we moved in together... so isn't it worth a shot? He seems to flip-flop between some feelings and no feelings, but ultimately I'm convinced that this is all just the heavy weight of a million pounds of unspoken stress crushing and burying what is still remaining love for me. I want to believe and hope that, but he's reminded me time and again not to put too much hope into things working out if his feelings don't change. But if they do week by week, moment to moment, then there's still a lot of remaining emotion behind our relationship. I don't think it's over.
But here's a general schedule of all of our events:
-November, I had a huge panic attack about school and we almost broke up over that. We talked, and he said he needed "more from me" regarding getting my medicines straight and going back to my doctors. I aligned to see a therapist again and got with my doctor to take my medicines again (which inevitably caused my hormone fluctuation, migraines, and extreme fatigue). We talked it out, and the next day we cried about how we still wanted to make things work. He said he still loved me. Things went back to normal, we resumed our relationship.
-He had oral surgery, and was feeling out of it for around a week. We stopped having sex regularly due to this, and never fully recovered.
-My migraines started and grew to the point that I had to go to the ER after them persisting for over a week. He was very doting throughout all of this, so I had no idea that things weren't OK. I was definitely receiving more then I was giving in the relationship for a very long time, and I think the reality of it all really formulated around this point. We have different love styles, so due to the fact that I was depressed and ill, I wasn't expressing his "acts of service"/housechores-style of love that he expected nor did I know he expected it. He always put on a happy face, and never complained even when I'd ask direct questions.
-My period from hell started which gave us another reason to grow distant from each other.
-I asked him why he was acting so cold and if he still loved me. We had the first fight in the middle of the night.
This is my conclusion: we moved in together too soon, and I lost my own identity/wishes as a person. Due to the fact that I couldn't contribute financially, it felt like we were just "playing house" while we were both struggling to find work, wanting to go out but being unable to monetarily/due to sickness, etc. Oh yeah, and it's a small complaint, but even our futon broke down awhile (we never managed to get my Dad to come over to fix it), so we weren't even able to be together when we WERE together. A lot of **** just... all at once. I feel like we can make it work if we step back - I move back in with my parents, and we go back to dating on weekends . When we meet again, I want to show him the strong, confident me with plans for the future that I've tried to foster in our few weeks apart, and keep the conversation lighthearted and friendly. I want us to talk about what we've been doing, and have more fun memories grow from our being together. I think if we do that, it'll be worth it... but I've made a lot of post-breakup mistakes already. Is there even any hope?
Right now our status is "taking a break", but technically still together.
I'm just worried it'll be a "out of sight, out of mind" situation more then a he-misses-me one... I'm especially worried his parents will convince him to just drop everything entirely. I'm thinking about sending him three texts only in three weeks -
1, When he has his last exam sending a "Do your best! I believe in you!" text - or will that remind him of how I ****ed up his last exam?
2, when/if he texts me like he said he would about getting to his parents' alright, saying that I'm really glad to hear that, I hope the trip down was great, and that he'll have a fantastic birthday week with his family.
3, on his actual birthday either call(?) or text(?) to wish him a happy birthday, and joke that I hope he eats lots and lots of yummy minty castle cake.
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