[CHANDLERS WISH]

All you need is love.

All you need is to feel "you can do it"..

All you need is to unfortunately for now stay away from your toxic Mother who puts you down.

All you need is to tell your Grandmother that you love her.

All you need is to have friends in your life that cheer you on, you can do it, guess what, you do, we are here.

All you need is to believe this man, that he does love you and so much and he does want to walk with you, next to you, beside you through this but not treaded on.

And, all you need is to know your posts are highly intelligent, so as far as I am concerned, you are academic and if you allow him in, believe in yourself, realise that others are putting things on you, therefore, all those negatives are making your life turn into negative then you can ......CAN get through this.

Tidy up the house, yourself, look into his eyes and say "let's do this" and mean it and look in the mirror and say, I am good, positive and I can do this, I won't let anyone else pull me down anymore".

Not preaching Sorry for the way in which I write but that's CW...

[Euphoric]

That is CW, and brilliantly said. Hap, re-reread CW's last post. You have poured your heart and soul into this thread, reaching out for opinions and guidance. You do have friends here that are willing to listen and accept you, faults and all. Now you need to accept yourself. Love yourself, and allow others to love you. Your mother, the person who should love and support you, has failed you. However, you have a man who tried to love you past your pain. Subconsciously, you were waiting for the ball to drop and built a wall around yourself as a means of coping so as not to get hurt. However, it's that wall you built for protection that hurt you. Talk to your SO, pour your heart and soul to him completely. Give 100% of yourself and expect the same in return. You are worth the effort, you are worthy of being loved, and you are worthy of loving. You have a choice to make. You have a life to live. How you live it and what you make of it are up to you. Choose to be a person other want in their life.

[HaplessDia01]

Thank you for the outpouring of support. I think my efforts at recognizing, understanding, and digesting my heavy hand in the dissolution of our relationship is finally getting noticed by him as well. After he released some of that pent up resentment last time, things have continued to be good between us! We had a gathering of friends yesterday, and he started to dote upon me like he use to once again. When he smiled at me (and it was often!), it seemed genuine, and without prompting whatsoever - he even said "You're cute," and held my hand. He still didn't want to entwine the fingers, but it was a huge step for him. He even said that some of the loving feelings are returning little by little (although being in a group of friends having a great time probably helped). I'm really happy with our progress thus far. How do I keep up the momentum?

Also, unfortunately the fact that I moved out meant that I had to move back in with my parents, so I'm exposed to my Mom everyday. I'm trying to just learn how to handle it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I've always had conflict with my family, especially with my Mother who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. Living away from my family made me feel completely isolated from them, as though our emotional bond had been severed, and we fought often. My Mom was struggling with the decision to have my elderly grandmother move across state into her home, and during the first few months her health was such that it seemed as though she (my grandmother) might not even make it to that point. My Mom put a lot of guilt onto me as a way to deal with her own anxious feelings. We butt heads a lot in opinion regularly as well, so this wasn't exactly helpful either.

So now moving back with your parents, and I appreciate you have put up with guilt and her personality problems and anxiety but you say in the above paragraph that being away made you feel isolated and emotional bond severed.. So that makes me feel that you live in "their" world and not your own? Could this be part of this problem of letting someone in that wants to change that and be your world ?

Good to see you staying with us.

[Euphoric]

When he smiled at me (and it was often!), it seemed genuine, and without prompting whatsoever - he even said "You're cute," and held my hand. He still didn't want to entwine the fingers, but it was a huge step for him. He even said that some of the loving feelings are returning little by little (although being in a group of friends having a great time probably helped). I'm really happy with our progress thus far. How do I keep up the momentum?

Communicate and reciprocate the emotional effort and affection he extended to you. For example: when he holds your hand give it a squeeze, run your thumb across his, etc. When he smiles at you, give him a wink. When he compliments you, "you're cute", tell him how handsome he is. Give him a hug and let him know how good it feels to be in his arms. Don't sit back and wait for him to make all of the loving gestures first, initiate. Show him you love and care about him. Tell him. Do so without fear of needing a safety net beneath you. If you truly love him and want to re-establish your relationship, you need to give him the best of you. I'm not saying to be his slave, nor am I suggesting you lose yourself to please him. What I am suggesting is to be a good person, show him the side of you that cares deeply but was afraid to expose the first time. Most people want to hear and see that they are loved, want to feel special - at least to the person they share their heart with. Give love, understanding, and show him you are willing to fight for him, for the relationship. But do so daily, not short term. Learn to give as much love and acceptance as you expect

[HaplessDia01]

So that makes me feel that you live in "their" world and not your own? Could this be part of this problem of letting someone in that wants to change that and be your world ?

CW, that's an interesting point that you brought up. I hadn't ever considered that. You might be right. I tend to completely live in the world which is presented to me - whether it was my boyfriend, his family, or my parents - and so once I'm left to my own devices... I often flounder about trying to make my own decisions. I think I've always had the horrible tendency to base 90% of my identity on those with whom I am around or associate with regularly rather then developing it all on my own. I think it is really easy for me to get into this mindset when I really don't have anything going for myself - school, work, etc - and without that structure to count on then I completely collapse.

Communicate and reciprocate the emotional effort and affection he extended to you. For example: when he holds your hand give it a squeeze, run your thumb across his, etc. When he smiles at you, give him a wink. When he compliments you, "you're cute", tell him how handsome he is. Give him a hug and let him know how good it feels to be in his arms. Don't sit back and wait for him to make all of the loving gestures first, initiate. Show him you love and care about him. Tell him. Do so without fear of needing a safety net beneath you. If you truly love him and want to re-establish your relationship, you need to give him the best of you. I'm not saying to be his slave, nor am I suggesting you lose yourself to please him. What I am suggesting is to be a good person, show him the side of you that cares deeply but was afraid to expose the first time. Most people want to hear and see that they are loved, want to feel special - at least to the person they share their heart with. Give love, understanding, and show him you are willing to fight for him, for the relationship. But do so daily, not short term. Learn to give as much love and acceptance as you expect

Thank you for your advice. His opening up once again came quite suddenly, since my previous attempts at being loving towards him were received negatively. He felt that by doing so I was brushing what had happened under the rug or trying to pretend it never happened, and so each loving action that I initiated was a blow to him that I didn't "truly understand" what I had put him through. Now that he knows that I do, and that I didn't mean it that way, we've been making some progress... However, it's hard to gauge when we're not together everyday, and he's never been particularly good at keeping in contact via text. Each time we move forward, I get antsy and impatient, and want to hurry things along even further. I've been trying to make sure to present the best me that I can for him - attractive, well-dressed, positive, etc - but I'm worried that he still might think I'm not bringing enough to the table.

[Trisha23]

If you really love the person, then you will have to take the risk. I guess the best way to forget your doubts and fears the soonest is to have a heart to heart talk with the person and tell him all your fears and all about what you feel. That will surely help a lot.

[HaplessDia01]

Thank you for all the advice. The only thing that is bugging me still is the fact that I'm the one who is always left to initiate conversations first - calls/texts - and I just can't help feeling disheartened. I remember the good times when he use to wish me good morning, or say he hoped I was having a good day, or just text me to say that he loved me... and now I don't think he could care less about picking up the phone. I don't know what to do. I know he suffered MONTHS of this type of rejection from me, and I've only had to suffer a little bit in comparison, but... I'm growing really weary of it all. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm starting to feel just kind of halfhearted about it, because each moment of hope is overshadowed by memories of being told "I don't love you anymore", "I want to break up", "I think this should end", and "Do you really think we're compatible?" And I'm just tired. I don't know how to keep fighting for this. I don't know how to keep being patient. I want what we use to have, and I want it right away. I'm so greedy and desperate. I want to feel loved again. Instead, I always feel like crying. We finally start making progress, and it never seems like enough.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He's frightened.. He has a heart too, all people's hearts break.

CW, that's an interesting point that you brought up. I hadn't ever considered that. You might be right. I tend to completely live in the world which is presented to me - whether it was my boyfriend, his family, or my parents - and so once I'm left to my own devices... I often flounder about trying to make my own decisions. I think I've always had the horrible tendency to base 90% of my identity on those with whom I am around or associate with regularly rather then developing it all on my own. I think it is really easy for me to get into this mindset when I really don't have anything going for myself - school, work, etc - and without that structure to count on then I completely collapse.

Then you need to get out of your comfort zone..

There is a whole new world out there to explore. Being put down time and time again, puts you somewhat in a box. One where there is one window open but the other three sides remain shut. Why? Because, being put down makes you feel worthless.

Remember how you felt when he came along? That Knight? He opened another side of that box..

Don't be afraid to jump out of it.. Your parents had you, but they don't own you, or your Mother. You are a grown woman now who can make her own decisions, goals, dreams and can stand up and say, no....

This is your life, you know we only have one on this Earth as who we are, stop allowing others to control it... It's your turn now, grow and love and realise, yes.... Wow... It's my life now and I want to let him open the last two pieces of that box.. I'm ready.

[HaplessDia01]

He's frightened.. He has a heart too, all people's hearts break.

So, that's normal? I should just expect him to be like that for awhile? Will he eventually begin to reach out to me more often once he feels safer? Is this something that I should bring up to him? "I wish you would initiate contact more often." If I still feel insecure over what happened on Friday (his resentment bubbling over), should I let him know that I feel that way? I guess that I'm worried that the more that I bring up my concerns, the more likely he is going to run in the other direction. I'm totally at a loss for how to get past this. When we hang out in person, we make progress, but in the meantime... everything is at a stand still with little communication going on.