[CHANDLERS WISH]

I remember the good times when he use to wish me good morning, or say he hoped I was having a good day, or just text me to say that he loved me... and now I don't think he could care less about picking up the phone. I don't know what to do. I know he suffered MONTHS of this type of rejection from me, and I've only had to suffer a little bit in comparison

,

Re-read the above of what you wrote.

And you are asking if you should push him, request it, talk of your concerns? Yes, you are right if you do it may backfire.

Re-read the above, this was when you were NOT insecure and him trying, until he gave up... He has a heart too..........................................

It's your turn to show him what he means to you. He tried but you pushed him away...

Your turn to show him that it's not *** for tat.. You are doing it because you want to.

Your turn to show him, you love him and are grateful he's in your life, helping you get out of this box.......................

(Edit) to add.

You know? There is another thing you need to ask yourself and this is about growing...

When he was attentive, you liked it but pushed it away, kind of wanted to feel a little rejection...

When he stopped doing it, it made you in-secure and want it...

So, if he starts up again will you push him away again? This may stem from your childhood of being ignored, never praised, not loved enough, it's what you are used to.

See why I am urging you to change? Or it may always be like this with any guy.

[HaplessDia01]

I think we reached the pinnacle today... of all of this. Today was the worst.

Today... he was determined to break up. He was the most pathetic that I've seen him yet. He finally confessed that he's been having suicidal thoughts, although he hasn't acted on them (and said he would not). He said after the fact that he expected me to throw up my hands and go: "I can't deal with this!" He expected me to run away. Instead, I held his hand, and said that I would love him through it. I would support him. He didn't need to be alone. We talked for hours. Cried for hours. I comforted him for hours. He expressed his doubts, his fears, his insecurities, his worries, his everything, and after it was all over... I still stood beside him. I said that if I walked out the door, it was over between us. He seemed 50/50 and uncertain like usual. The truth was he was scared I would leave him if I saw him at rock bottom, and he wanted to protect me from seeing him like that. He wanted me to be happy, but also wanted to punish himself by throwing our relationship away. He was self-destructive, and openly admitted to that. However, he also wanted to see me fight for the relationship.

I've seen... such a big change in him now. I thought he opened up on Friday and Saturday, but I was clearly wrong. He's opened up to me now. He cried out of guilt for putting me through so much. I want to be happy, I want to be glad, because I've finally heard those words I wanted to hear! "I love you.", "I want to be with you.", "I want to be in this relationship.", "I want us to be together again, officially.", "We can conquer anything together now. We're better equipped to deal with anything that comes our way.", "We've never been laid so bare and vulnerable to one another before. That's what's different now. There's no secrets at all... I've let it all out." Even though he said he was trying before, he admitted that not dealing with everything left a residual effect that kept him pent-up and unable to fully commit to any of his previous attempts. However, once he got it out... He was able to love again. His heart warmed up, and he felt "at peace" at last. He knew he could no longer let this go. He could no longer keep pushing me away.

He blurted it out that very evening - I love you - and I cried out of forlorn sadness rather then joy. How could I trust that? He grabbed my hands, and said that he would do anything to convince me that his mind would not be changing in the morning. So, I'm currently at his apartment, staying the night. We apologized to one another. We forgave one another. I believe him. For the first time in what feels like an eternity, we kissed, we held hands, he stroked my hair, rubbed my back, caressed my shoulder, embraced me tightly, held me close, we flirted, we joked, we laughed, we cried, we talked, we bonded, and all of it was mutual... finally! It's the first time he has ever been so certain in the entire reconciliation process. It's the first time I have truly felt as though he wants this as much as I do.

But I'm scared.

[Euphoric]

He said after the fact that he expected me to throw up my hands and go: "I can't deal with this!" He expected me to run away. Instead, I held his hand, and said that I would love him through it. I would support him.

However, he also wanted to see me fight for the relationship.

You took the bull by the horns and showed him that you care for him, that you are willing to be his rock when need be. You showed him that you are willing to stand strong when faced with adversity and fight - for him and the relationship. You showed him that you are not willing to surrender to self-deprecation and run, unwilling to deal with your fear and depression, as well as his. You showed strength through love and acceptance. You have seen him at his best and worst. You didn't belittle his emotions and lack of emotional strength.

We apologized to one another. We forgave one another. I believe him.

If you both are sincere, then accept each others apologies and more forward.

It's the first time I have truly felt as though he wants this as much as I do.
But I'm scared.

He probably feels just as scared as you do, but you have both opened up and revealed your true feelings, fears, and insecurities. Because of hitting rock bottom and being open and honest with each other, it is possible that your relationship will become more real and stronger than it ever was before. You two are rebuilding your relationship on honesty and full exposure, without pretenses or expectations. Moving forward, place priority on honest communication. Don't take each other for granted. Know that you both have vulnerabilities and that you trust each other to be your support system. Take time to compliment each other. Acknowledge the little things - good deeds done to make life more pleasant or easier. Pick your battles - try to overlook small annoyances (placed the cup on the counter instead of the sink kind of things). Nobody is perfect. Love doesn't nit pick or sweat the small stuff.

Best wishes to a relationship built on a solid foundation

Euphoric

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Fear....

Life has hurdles to jump and those that do, keep jumping more but ultimately as at peace with themselves, happy within themselves...

This is fantastic progress..... Feel it, breathe it and don't fear... Enjoy... and keep working together on this.

[HaplessDia01]

Thank you so much. All of you. It has been such a breath of fresh air to have such supportive people hearing me out on this issue. People around my age, with less experience, tend to just tell me to give up. I just couldn't do that. However, that day... it really seemed like that was the only option left, and the only option that he wanted. I had to confront him that day, and he temporarily left the apartment to get space from me. When he returned shortly after, I thought it was just to officially break things off with me altogether, and ask me to leave. He thought so as well. However, he said: "All the anger just... dissipated entirely the moment that I saw you again." Apparently, it's true. Love doesn't evaporate all together. Despite it all, he still had love for me deep down, and I chose to trust that before anything else. Thank god that I did.

CW, you asked me some good questions that I didn't get around to answering before, so I'm going to take my time to answer them now.

When he was attentive, you liked it but pushed it away, kind of wanted to feel a little rejection...

When he stopped doing it, it made you in-secure and want it...

So, if he starts up again will you push him away again? This may stem from your childhood of being ignored, never praised, not loved enough, it's what you are used to.

See why I am urging you to change? Or it may always be like this with any guy.

I wasn't originally like this. I think it was mainly my depression that gave me the urge to push him away rather then something that I am naturally inclined to do. However, that's not an excuse! Since I suffer from clinical depression, this is something that I'm going to go through again. I need to be better prepared for it next time. Even when I was pushing him away, the last thing I really wanted was for him to ACTUALLY go away. The more I pushed, the more I wanted him to push back. That's not healthy at all nor is it a respectful way to treat someone you care about as much as your romantic partner. Since we talked, I think we're better equipped to deal with these sorts of things in the future. I also think he's more thoroughly prepared to voice his needs to me from now on - whether it's to state something he is unhappy about or otherwise.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If I knew you, I'd say I'm pretty proud of you, your thought process and thoughtfulness

So I'll say it anyway.......

Negativity creats fear, creates stress, creates depression.

Keep being happy, in love, going in that direction, there will be so much more stress, so little depression

[HaplessDia01]

I find myself worrying about his family a lot today. We use to be really close, and I enjoyed that tight-knit connection with them probably more then I should have. However, the moment that we broke things off it seemed like everyone was quick to turn around and talk smack about me. I'm not bothered by what his parents said as I find it understandable, and they were merely being supportive of him. However, the comments from his middle brother (with whom I did not ever enjoy a positive relationship) and his cousin bother me quite a bit. I'm trying to brush it off as, well, his brother and I never got on well with one another, and his cousin is quite snobby and unrealistic by any normal person's standards... So, don't pay it much mind, but at the same time I feel kind of betrayed as well. I feel like things are bound to be awkward from now on, and I won't be able to enjoy the same relationship with everyone that I use to. I think they'll be judging me from now on for my failures in the relationship. I just hate how everything is so OUT in the open now... Even though this was supposed to be a hush-hush thing as we tried to work things out, it inevitably flooded out to the rest of his very large family, and now I just feel like even more of a black sheep then ever before. The thought of having anything to do with them now makes me feel horribly anxious. He was bothered by what they had to say as well, and ultimately: "The choice is mine, not theirs." But... now that I know everyone is judging me, I won't know how to interact with them. Should I even care?

[HaplessDia01]

After ALL THIS, he still called me today to say he wanted to break up again. Even though I trusted what he said that not implicitly, it still... was ********. He's like "I love you, but I'm still so ****ed up. I can't keep doing this to you. I talked to my counselor and my parents, and they all think it would be better to just cut things off for good. They think you're abusive sometimes - for instance, when you said you would move on and find someone else, but later said that you didn't truly want to." OF COURSE I SAID THAT, because it's true! Anyway, now he just seems so stern about breaking up, even though he still says he loves me. I'm hysterical. I want to just forget him. Stop loving him. But my heart can't imagine a future without him! He's at his parents three and a half hours away, and I want to jump in the car and go there right now...

[HaplessDia01]

At like 10AM, he left a voicemail apologizing for some coldness the day before, explained why he'd been feeling down, wished my Mom well on her event tomorrow, said he loved me, and even said he'd be able to see me on Wednesday. He gets to his parents' at 1PM, and then at 4PM calls me to break up - saying that his parents and his college counselor feel that it's for the best, and... I am just at a loss! We made so much progress... and now he backtracks YET AGAIN. I just... it's time to give up, isn't it? I've messaged and called him OVER AND OVER again (I know, creepy), and he just completely won't answer at all. I'm fed up. I don't understand this at all.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

for instance, when you said you would move on and find someone else, but later said that you didn't truly want to." OF COURSE I SAID THAT, because it's true!

They think you're abusive sometimes

He does love you. He's in-secure of the " thoughts" of "mental abuse ? The family think it they don't like what he is going through as he is on a roller coaster... You said you would move on then you didn't want to, "OFF COURSE I SAID THAT BECAUSE IT'S TRUE"...

What is true, you would or wouldn't see where he is at?