[HaplessDia01]

Is it possible to fall back in love again with the same person, especially when you're hesitant about doing so due to past hurt (which have made you resentful)? Aside from couples' counseling, what sorts of things would you advise to facilitate that "in love" feeling again, especially when you're extremely cautious about restoring the relationship to begin with? Is there a way to speed up the "healing" process, forgive someone, and start with a clean slate again? How do you "make the leap" to love someone again when you're feeling cynical or just not "feeling it" at all? Especially when it's difficult for you to become physical with that person due to the feelings you're currently experiencing. Please advise. Have any of you had experience with this sort of thing? If so, how did it turn out?

[Euphoric]

I don't think it's possible to force yourself to feel something that doesn't exist naturally. You can try to rebuild a relationship, but it won't be easy.

You are: hesitant, hurt, cautious, cynical, not feeling it, difficult to become physical. It sounds like you have suffered an ultimate betrayal and to think that you can wipe the slate clean and start over may not exist. You may learn to accept the past and try to move forward, but you will never forget. Even with the best counselling available, you memories can not be erased. Doubt, fear, and hurt will always be present within the relationship.

Is there a way to speed up the process? Time has a way of easing the raw emotional pain we feel at first when something traumatic has occurred. I don't know that you can accelerate the process. Every individual is different. What takes one person a few weeks to deal with may take another person months to process. Take your time dealing with the event/relationship in question. If you don't take time to heal, your problems will eventually compound. For instance, if your partner cheated on you, chances are that you are going to question everytime s/he is late coming home and question why or make accusations.

You really need to take time to evaluate if this relationship is worth a second chance. If this person worth the pain that s/he caused you?

[Stillness]

Yes, I think so. I've never been completely out with a person and then come back together. But in any relationship there are going to be little betrayals, offenses, and falling outs. It takes effort to keep it together.

If you don't just look at love as reactive feelings you get based on what someone does, but as expressions that start with principled mental exercise and comes from within, it helps. Because if it comes from you, then it's not about what the other person has or hasn't done, right? If it's about expression and not just feelings, then love is how you treat the other person - in words and actions. You control it and choose how and to whom it's expressed. Some people may be easier to love than others, but it's not about what they do. It's about what you want.

If love is kind, be kind. If love is unselfish, then look after the other person's interests. If it's forgiving, then let the minor insults and the ugly past roll away from you like water off a duck's back. Play the role. It starts in the mind and moves into the heart. If you're trying and they're trying, then the emotional connection and the trust will come. Wounds will heal, even if they leave a scar.

This is what keeps my wife an I happy after 16 years of being together. We still have issues, but this is the way we deal with them and keep that "in love" feeling. There was a little friction with us just last night - not anything new, but an irritating issue that has arisen over and over and over again. When we see each other tonight after work, we'll talk about our day a little, watch a movie and have some dinner and maybe make love. If last night does come up, I'll say, "It's a little thing. Don't worry about it. We'll just keep at it." I'll smile and she'll smile and we'll joke around and tease each other. It's what we're supposed to do. It's what we promised - to each other, to God, to the community. It's our role. But because we play our roles, when she walks in the door, my heart will skip a beat and will melt a little when she smiles - it always does. The emotions are there because we make them be there, not because it's just natural. It's not a fairy tale. It's work.

[Pollon]

Well said Stillness.

I will add that for the betrayed to recover the betrayer has to do a lot of work as well. It's not unusual for the betrayer to want the whole episode to be forgotten and never raised again. When the betrayed needs to discuss it, the betrayer often gets angry and says, "can't we just forget it and move on?" The problem is until it gets fully processed, the betrayal haunts the relationship for years or even decades.

I believe the steps are.

1) The betrayed has to be able to verbalize how the whole incident affected them--their sense of trust, self-worth, self-identity, respect for their partner, etc. etc.

2) The betrayer has to listen to and UNDERSTAND it to the satisfaction of the betrayed. This is the emotional & painful part that the betrayer usually tries to avoid.

3) The betrayer has to genuinely apologize for the damage done based on his FULL understanding of it.

4) The betrayer has to commit to and follow through with doing whatever is necessary for the betrayed to feel safe even if the betrayer thinks it is unreasonable (sharing passwords, regular checking in, cutting contact with some people, etc.)

5) The betrayer has to go through Steps 1 - 4 multiple times because going through it once is usually not enough.

Healing is hard work which requires a genuine love and commitment on the part of the betrayer. Given what the betrayer did in the first place, it is expecting a lot to get that kind of work from him. But if he will do it, he may be someone worth trusting again.

Good luck

[Euphoric]

Hap,

Was the offending act that caused the fallout from cheating or from a form of abuse?

Stillness makes a good point about never having completely fallen out of love in their relationship. Have you and your SO completely separated and if so, how much time has lapsed? Six months, a year, five years?

If you want to re-establish the relationship, you have to forgive the offending act. Once new boundaries have been established, and your SO is living up to the boundaries established, the past needs to remain in the past. It would be unfair to constantly resurrect the past when new bumps in the road are encountered.

[amy37]

I really believe you can get that loving feeling back again Hapless, but for now it sounds like you have some issues you need to resolve with them. I also strongly believe in forgiving people, no close and intimate relationship can ever form without forgiveness as we are all human, and all make mistakes.

It sounds like you're trying to skip over the relationship issue and move on to the loving feeling, but I feel like it's important that you as a couple resolve the issue. Take you time, and don't rush back things and I believe that your relationship will be stronger and come out more loving than before.

[HaplessDia01]

I sincerely thank all of you for your kind and thoughtful replies. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Despite the wording of my initial post, I am actually not the "betrayed", but the "betrayer", although it was more-so an act of negligence, emotional withdrawal, and an absence of communication that tore my relationship apart then something as extreme as infidelity. The root of it can be blamed on my depression in which I recoiled into myself rather then rely upon my partner who had to endure months of emotional isolation and any attempt at support or affection which he offered me was harshly rebuffed.

Although we had a conversation about these things last November, we weren't able to communicate the problems effectively enough to deal with them for the long-term and a quick reconciliation made it all too easy to slide back into old, toxic relationship patterns. He believed the single conversation that we had and numerous "hints" as to his disapproval of my behavior should have been enough on his part to salvage what was already being torn to shreds, so by the time everything blew up in our faces... a deeply rooted sense of anger, resentment, and a depression of his own replaced feelings of love and affection between us. We nearly broke up for good in February, but decided to take a monogamous "break" instead in order to try to reconcile our differences after some time apart. Despite this, his depression made it impossible for us to work on the relationship for quite awhile, and we only began making real progress in the later half of March.

He has said numerous times that he wants to work things out, etc, but seemed particularly half-hearted and uncertain about it. One moment, he would seem confident, and the next overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness that he could handle a relationship at all, let alone fall in love with me again. However, a lot of this seemed to be backlash from the fact that he had never properly thought or dealt with his own feelings about the matter. After venting his frustration to me, and my expression of true remorse for what happened, he seemed to feel a huge shift in his point-of-view - stating that he felt before that I didn't truly understand what he had gone through or felt, and that he feels that I understand much better now then I did before. As soon as the weight was off of his shoulders and his feelings had been expressed, he seemed almost shocked at how significant the change was in how he felt about us and our relationship. It was almost like it finally clicked for him, and he realized that deep-seated resentment had a lot more to do with his lack of romantic feelings towards me then he previously realized. After we talked, he seemed to understand more also what I needed from him - a sense of accountability for his own feelings and his part in attempting to salvage the relationship. I couldn't wait around for him to yo-yo me back and forth. I needed him to accept the fact that he had a choice in whether this was successful or not, and it would have to be a conscious choice for awhile until we dealt with the problems at hand enough for him to feel safe enough to open himself up towards me in a more natural way once again.

The whole thing is emotionally draining, but I keep fighting for this, because deep down I think it really is what we both want.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The root of it can be blamed on my depression in which I recoiled into myself rather then rely upon my partner who had to endure months of emotional isolation and any attempt at support or affection which he offered me was harshly rebuffed.

I would love you to re-read the above statement and good on you for seeing and recognising this.

Depression is real, if you put him in emotional isolation and ignored any of his real love this is hard for a man in love. He, himself can become depressed and confused and not know where to go. You suggest you both then had councelling.

Although we had a conversation about these things last November, we weren't able to communicate the problems effectively enough to deal with them for the long-term and a quick reconciliation made it all too easy to slide back into old, toxic relationship patterns.

Can you explain what was toxic? you not accepting anything he was offering?

After venting his frustration to me, and my expression of true remorse for what happened, he seemed to feel a huge shift in his point-of-view - stating that he felt before that I didn't truly understand what he had gone through or felt, and that he feels that I understand much better now then I did before. As soon as the weight was off of his shoulders and his feelings had been expressed, he seemed almost shocked at how significant the change was in how he felt about us and our relationship. It was almost like it finally clicked for him, and he realized that deep-seated resentment had a lot more to do with his lack of romantic feelings towards me then he previously realized. After we talked, he seemed to understand more also what I needed from him - a sense of accountability for his own feelings and his part in attempting to salvage the relationship.

Again, I want you to read your first paragraph if someone feels someone is depressed they eventually go into their own shell scared and not knowing what to do but wanting so much (if in love) to work it out.. Something happened where he felt loved, it was in my opinon not understanding but that he was loved, needed you spoke about your needs, being together..... and he felt safe.

After we talked, he seemed to understand more also what I needed from him - a sense of accountability for his own feelings and his part in attempting to salvage the relationship. I couldn't wait around for him to yo-yo me back and forth. I needed him to accept the fact that he had a choice in whether this was successful or not, and it would have to be a conscious choice for awhile until we dealt with the problems at hand enough for him to feel safe enough to open himself up towards me in a more natural way once again.

I think it is hard to open up and talk, when you are trying to help someone through there own needs... I feel this in my opinion is what is the problem..

What made you so depressed? Push him away to start with ?

[Euphoric]

Hapless,

You really open up in your second post, which offers valuable insight to your situation. Sometimes it is hard to open up and admit to our own mistakes. It takes an honorable person to expose the truth, especially when doing so implicates ones self. You have done that. You admit that you closed yourself off emotionally, which in turn shut your husband out. He tried in every way he knew how to get you help and his attempts were rejected. He loves you, or he wouldn't have tried to help.

He believed the single conversation that we had and numerous "hints" as to his disapproval of my behavior should have been enough on his part to salvage what was already being torn to shreds, so by the time everything blew up in our faces... a deeply rooted sense of anger, resentment, and a depression of his own replaced feelings of love and affection between us.

He believed and trusted you. It seems that you are angry because you feel he should have done more. Would you have preferred he physically place you in a car and take you to the doctor? He dropped "hints" rather than pointing and placing blame upon your shoulders. He wanted you to be an active participant who willingly fought for the relationship as much as he had. He wanted to feel "worth the effort". When you didn't fight for the relationship, he felt rejected, and ultimately - depressed.

He has said numerous times that he wants to work things out, etc, but seemed particularly half-hearted and uncertain about it. One moment, he would seem confident, and the next overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness that he could handle a relationship at all, let alone fall in love with me again.

After venting his frustration to me, and my expression of true remorse for what happened, he seemed to feel a huge shift in his point-of-view - stating that he felt before that I didn't truly understand what he had gone through or felt, and that he feels that I understand much better now then I did before. As soon as the weight was off of his shoulders and his feelings had been expressed, he seemed almost shocked at how significant the change was in how he felt about us and our relationship. It was almost like it finally clicked for him, and he realized that deep-seated resentment had a lot more to do with his lack of romantic feelings towards me then he previously realized.

He is scared to put himself out there again. But the more you both communicate, the more you both are coming to terms with together. Honest communication, patience, and understanding are what you both need. You need him to see things through your eyes, and vice visa. Neither one of you are mind readers and you both need to communicate your true feelings (without feeling threatened) if you want to repair this relationship. You have come a long way in doing this from your first post to the second. It's in the details that will change the dynamics of the situation. You realize that he needs to feel safe enough to open up to you again. If you want this to work, allow him to communicate his feelings without judgement, and he needs to do the same. There is hope for this relationship, but there is a lot of work to do. You have begun the journey to healing and repairing by communicating. You have people routing for you.

Good Luck.

[HaplessDia01]

Can you explain what was toxic? you not accepting anything he was offering?

Pretty much. It just wasn't a good situation for either of us. He'd try to reach out, and offer me love and support... but I just wasn't receptive to it at all. It seemed as though nothing that he said or did was ever "right" enough for me. I always spun it into a negative. We didn't spend much time together anymore, and started living two separate lives in a single apartment. He'd often want to do the things that we initially said we would, but I would bail on those promises and commitments in order to mope around. I was just a hateful person. I didn't pull my weight in the relationship whatsoever - not emotionally or financially, and especially not in regards to housekeeping/chores. I treated him more as a slave then a person with thoughts and feelings of his own, and I truly regret that. I thought he would never leave me, so I gave myself license to treat him badly. I still don't know why... I just no longer viewed the relationship as a priority, even though I consistently felt it was the only right thing going on in my life at the time. We're not living together anymore.

What made you so depressed? Push him away to start with ?

Let's see... It would be better to make a list, I think.

1. We moved in together, but not through our own means. His parents were supporting us a great deal. I felt a huge sense of guilt - as though I was just another burden on yet another person.

2. I lost my job, and was struggling to find another.

3. I felt lost in life. I had just turned XX-years-old, and realized that I hadn't fulfilled all the things that I thought I would by now. I felt like a failure, and I was ashamed of my lack of academic success. My unmanned depression and apathetic attitude made it hard for me to concentrate on my school work which at the end of the semester when I had inevitably failed most of my classes... caused a huge blow to my sense of self-worth. I didn't think I had enough money to go back either, so I felt like a complete waste of space.

4. I felt as though my romantic partner was the only good thing going for me, and that my family wouldn't be able to tolerate me without him. I felt like [HIS NAME] + 1, rather then us being equal partners with equal worth in the relationship. I lost my sense of individuality, and forgot what made me who I am. I expected him to constantly uplift me, and become my source of self-esteem and validation... but there is only so much another person can say or do to fill the gap, and only for so long. I completely lost myself in the relationship as well as any inkling of love that I felt for myself. He, in turn, felt that he had lost the person he fell in love with - the person who had dreams and aspirations of her own. The fact is, he did.

5. I've always had conflict with my family, especially with my Mother who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. Living away from my family made me feel completely isolated from them, as though our emotional bond had been severed, and we fought often. My Mom was struggling with the decision to have my elderly grandmother move across state into her home, and during the first few months her health was such that it seemed as though she (my grandmother) might not even make it to that point. My Mom put a lot of guilt onto me as a way to deal with her own anxious feelings. We butt heads a lot in opinion regularly as well, so this wasn't exactly helpful either.