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First Date Recap

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  • First Date Recap

    I have been texting with a man (met online) for at least a couple weeks. Very good friendship forming and just an easy conversation, genuine and light.
    He appeals to my roots-he is a little more "country" living and he's just a good guy.

    So we finally met for dinner last night. It went well, but I guess we didn't click like I expected us to. The conversation was a little boring, but I think he was still nervous...I felt like I'd known him forever so I was really comfortable right away. I made some flirtatious comments which he mostly either ignored or felt uncomfortable by...so I stopped that and moved back to a low key tone.
    We agreed we wanna see each other again but I'm left wondering if this is anything to be so excited about as I was 2 days ago.
    I can't quite figure out what it was but something reminded me of my ex hubby too, which was annoying. It may have just been the country-ness...I haven't dated a country boy since then.

    My plan is simply to see him again and see how it goes with less nerves and curiosity in play, and take it from there. I'm worried that my personality may be a little overpowering for him as far as dating. I could see us being friends and hiking buddies tho.
    I'm not sure if he's attracted to me, or if I'm attracted to him...

    Any thoughts?

  • Oh, I have thoughts - and questions.

    First just so I know the origins here, was he gotten thru a dating site like you used before? And texting, I assume that's not all you do (talk on the phone, skype, etc.)?

    I'm sure you know this already but when you have a meet, the pressure goes up. Could be why the awkwardness, at least on his part. He may have felt like he needed to step us his game, and if he's actually a shy type in reality, that can be a tall order that results in playing it safe and not stepping up your game lol for fear it'll crash.

    As to the flirtatious comments (good for you btw ), that says to me that he may not exactly be a Cassanova. (Does he flirt in text/phone btw?) I once dated a guy who was very charming and downright sexy over the phone, but once we got together it was obvious he wasn't actually very experienced. As far as that goes, if that might be the case with your guy, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and let him move at his pace. Guys can be trained at sex after all, and if you can get beyond the notion that he may be less experienced than you, there's not a lot of psychological barrier there really. That might be exactly what he's afraid of - that you'll 'expose' him and it'll all come to a screeching halt. I'd reassure him (not necessarily verbally) that you're not just a sex fiend and that a lack of experience is not a deal-breaker for you. That in turn might help him to loosen up and treat your in-person encounters more like the risk-free phone calls/texts. <<-- Assuming I'm right about any of that lol, I could be totally wrong.

    As to excitement - stay excited! Much of that is in our minds anyway, so don't let a partial miss get you down. They're not all gonna be home runs anyway. You've got a guy on the line here sister, enjoy it! It'll end up being whatever it'll be anyway, so just go for the ride. I wouldn't let the ex thing bug you either, probably just a fluke.

    I would bet that he's very attracted to you, which would also help to explain the nerves. And don't worry about your personality - I'm more than a lot of guys can handle that way but it doesn't stop me. Whatever you do, don't tone it down for him. That'll just change the dynamic you've already established and probably make him more uncomfortable. As to your own attraction, guess you'll have to figure that out. Time will tell.

    Just enjoy it kitty, this stuff is fun!
    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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    • Remember that some people just don't "click" in person - one of the reasons I think online dating doesn't work as well as it seems it should. Someone can meet all the requirements you think you want but, for reasons that are neither person's fault, doesn't have that spark.

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      • I agree rcorey. Usually I haven't spent quite so much time from "meeting" to meeting in person for that reason. No use in investing days of chatting if there's no chemistry, as they call it.
        We'll see. I haven't ruled him out and I hope we can stay friends because I do like him, but whether dating is on the horizon, I'm not sure.

        Jen, I agree with what you said. It had crossed my mind before we met that he hasn't dated a lot and felt a little awkward even in writing. There hadn't been much flirting before we met...I texted smth flirty one day and his reply was "did you just flirt with me?". But didn't flirt back...the next day he did say smth a little flirty but very subtle.

        I am not sure when I'll see him again. I'm working a lot right now and it's difficult to carve out a chunk of time for much socializing. Hopefully Wednesday I will finally have some time off.

        I agree. I wanna just roll with it and see where it goes. I've got advice from friends that "if you didn't see him and wanna jump him, dump him". I asked them if they knew me at all?? Lol. Because that is SO not me...
        Even if the romance isn't there, I could still be buddies with him-we have a lot of similar interests, so I wouldn't be a jerk about it or just cut communication.
        That may or may not be good advice, but it isn't good advice for me.

        I'll keep you posted

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        • Send him a sexy text photo in the meantime and see how he reacts. Nothing ****ty, just maybe you in a top that's slightly tighter than necessary.

          It sounds funny/silly (and it is kinda), but it could also be useful. If he replies again like "thanks, so how's the weather there?" maybe he really is a miss, but if he's excited, he'll be more likely to respond excitedly via the safe text route. And if that happens, it can be an indicator that you just have to warm him up to get over his nerves, not necessarily friendzone him.
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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          • Nah...the shyness has passed...a little. He suddenly is throwing flirty comments my way like there's no tomorrow... I finally asked him if he's missing me or smth. He said no, just looking fwd to seeing me soon.

            It was odd...a light switch turned on or smth.

            So, with the weather today we canceled our date but we're on for tmrw.

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            • Texting is easy, you can hide behind a phone In person, is hard as body language steps in.

              You don't probably know exactly his full back ground as of yet, especially the last couple of years but it's hard for a guy unless he oozes confidence and if he does, you'd have to ask if he's a player.

              You're giving it a second go, good for you. I think you'll establish your answer at the end of tomorrow's date. But, whether it's a goer or just friends, getting to find out is fun.
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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              • You're right cw.

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                • I sense some making out in your near future.
                  [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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                  • Not so much Jen...
                    We decided to meet up tonight after all. He hasn't even tried to kiss me. I'm not complaining, and I'm not necessarily sure it is a bad thing. He just seems to be a gentleman and taking things slow. It's a different thing for me. Usually it seems sex is expected by the third date with a lot of men...it's kind of nice to not feel like part of the dinner menu. I'm really puzzled...both by his actions and how I feel about them

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                    • Maybe you'll have to jump him yourself.

                      Seriously, you could get aggressive ....are you still keeping it to dinner/coffee or are you going somewhere more cozy? If he's really unsure, it make take you putting a kiss on him to loosen him up or at least see how he reacts, tho I understand you're not exactly ready to jump into bed for various reasons.
                      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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                      • There is an old saying that goes something like - Once bitten, twice shy. Perhaps he is taking it long and slow because of rushed relationships in the past. I may think that you would want to be certain of which way this relationship could go without stepping on the gas and rushing into a sexual relationship that may not be sustainable because of differences in personalities. I'm not against physical relationships just for the sake of a physical relationship, but it seems that he may be looking for a long term relationship. What are you really looking for?

                        I grew up in the age of sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. I've seen just about everything and have not led a sheltered life. After my first marriage went kaput, I had my share of one or two night stands and year-long relationships. I've now been remarried for 30 years and if I reflect upon my past the one thing that had been missing prior to meeting my husband was that period of romantic courtship. He and I had that for almost 6 months before we decided (yes decided) that we were ready to become physical. We rushed into nothing, I received phone calls in the middle of the day (just to hear my voice), I got flowers at work and at home. I was wined and dined, my opinion mattered (still does).

                        You've talked, texted, and now met in person. Do you think he could be your future? Do you want to know if he could be your future? If he is, then take your time, build up to the moment and the time and the space. After all what is your hurry when you may have the rest of your lives together?
                        That which we forget may as well never really happened.

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                        • Claret, I am used to men being the aggressor and wanting a lot more than I'm willing to give, very early on in dating. It's more typical that I am making them keep their hands in appropriate places and so forth. I don't mean to imply that it's potentially bad that he wants to go slow physically-i do too!...just that I'm not completely sure he's interested romantically or as a friend.

                          Our discussion largely consists of our dogs, work, cooking, home improvement projects...there's been very little about our romantic past or future expectations, needs, etc. Which is refreshing on some level, but also makes me feel like a buddy more than anything.

                          He's a good guy, which is what every woman wants. He is safe and if he is interested in me romantically, I'm sure he'd be a fine husband.
                          The thing is, right now, I'm not sure what I need in my life is "safe". I was thinking this morning that, what I do miss is a little rush of the beginnings of a relationship. I'm not feeling excited to see what he says or does next. I hate to use the word boring, but it's been hard to steer conversations toward new topics...he doesn't seem terribly interested to hear about some important things in my life which troubles me.

                          I've pretty much decided today, after last night, that this isn't what I want. I was married, I was settled and happy for many years. I'm single again and I think I need and want an adventurous and edgy sort of courtship, which doesn't seem to be happening here. I do want to be in a relationship and settled again but I think I really need some passion and fun in the beginning.
                          Somehow I think an invitation to come over and help hang a door may happen before we even kiss...lol.
                          I'm exaggerating-I think-but you get the idea?

                          I think a lot of good relationships begin as friendships but right now, my wounded heart and soul just needs a little fire! I do long for a man to come along and reignite that spark that's been gone for a few years. I know I'm likely to be waiting awhile, but I don't think it's fair for me to settle, and not fair to him either.

                          I wish he was what I needed, but its just not right now.

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                          • Ha kitty, I was actually thinking too that your "not sure" answer from earlier actually was a sure answer, just mainly because when we know, we know, and there are no "hm..." moments.

                            Also - you go girl on not wanting safe!! For exactly the reasons you said. There's nothing like that rush of excitement even for something so simple as getting a text, rawr .... Good girl for not allowing yourself to be cheated out of it!
                            [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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                            • Jen, if I ever learn to just trust my instincts and go with it...my gut sort of whispered "no" at dinner the first night. I like to give things a chance, but I already knew it was likely not right for me.

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