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Falling for my brother's best friend

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  • Falling for my brother's best friend

    Just as what the heading implies: I have fallen for my brother's best friend.

    I've known him a little over ten years now. We've never dated before and quite frankly I have never given it much thought. He's my brother's best friend, why would I? But recently I am just now starting to feel like he is probably the best guy for me. We get along great, we make each other laugh, we find each other attractive, he isn't turned off that I have a kid (in fact, he has told me he finds a woman who is a good mother attractive). For a few years now we've been flirty with each other. Usually on nights where we've let loose and had a few drinks. The next day we pretend like nothing happened and go about the way we normally are, and it never feels awkward. We've never had sex, we have kissed before, and cuddled together in bed a few times. I have just always told him that I didn't think it was a good idea since he's my brother's friend. He seemed to agree.

    Just recently, he has gotten into a relationship with a friend of mine, someone I met through work. And now that he is with her, my feelings for him have come out with mad force. The other night, a bunch of friends and I had gone to his place to finish off our night of drinks and fun, and not only did he and I flirt like crazy, but he kissed me and we spent a lot of time talking. I felt bad afterwards because he is with her now. Although she and I have only known each other a few months, we aren't super close, I still respect her. But if I am going to be honest to myself, then I have to admit yes, I am jealous. I wish I had taken an opportunity with him before she had the chance. I'm hoping that they don't work out now so that I can have my chance with him. I even talked to my brother and he almost seemed offended by the fact that he was used as an excuse for us not to get together...he says, he's not blind and he's seen us havin feelings for each other for a few years now lol!

    thoughts please?

  • I would guess that part of this is that you enjoyed the tension of NOT being able to date him (because of your brother). That gives the relationship a sense of safety. In other words it's a "It can't happen, so there's nothing to lose" situation. That can be very freeing.

    Now that that relationship is in jeopardy, your turf is being threatened which stirs up some feelings.

    You ought to have an open and honest conversation with the guy. Tell him you'd be interested in dating him and seeing about a potential future together. However, you are not going to be sneaky about it. You are going to wait until he ends things with the other girl before you are going to do ANYTHING with him.

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    • Don't let the green eyed monster get in your way,, what does it matter if he's your brothers best friend,, go after what you want,, you don't compete for a man Use persuasion,, if you see something you want, go after it..

      Comment


      • Seems you have your brother's permission but I am not sure if that is all that stood in your way?

        Sometimes, what we can't have we want. Perhaps you didn't see him as anything more than that, until this girl came along and then naturally jealousy came into play, because any hugs or kisses stolen can't occur and you were basically the one in control now he is.

        I think that you have to honestly ask yourself " Can I see myself with him in a relationship and long term?" and if the answer is yes, then I certainly agree, talk to him.

        It may be unfair to the other woman but, in real life, nothing stops real love from happening.
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • I have thought so too, I mean they have been dating less than a month so I didn't think it would be too unfair to just be open and honest with him about my feelings.
          It's not like they have really invested too much into their relationship. I guess my biggest fear now would be, of course, rejection. What if he is not ready for a relationship with me? What if, even with baby bro's permission, he still doesn't feel that it's the right thing to do? I mean, because if we ever did end up in a relationship and things went south, we'd pretty much still be stuck having to be around each other at times because of his relationship with my brother and not to mention the rest of the family he is close to as well.

          And to answer the question Chandlers Wish, I think yes, I could see myself in a relationship with him for long-term. We already know each other well. At one point he even lived with us, my family, when he was in a transition phase of his life. He pretty much meets all of my expectations of a man. Steady work history, good work ethic, loves kids, loves my family, doesn't smoke, is independent, has the personality I like, the attraction is there, he even goes to church. I am almost beating myself up for not seeing all of this before. lol
          Last edited by ThisOneThought; 04-14-2014, 06:16 PM.

          Comment




          • But. If it's meant to be it will. So if he says no now, for any reason really, imagine later when he is in your position and "almost beats himself up for not seeing it himself"

            But. What if he just felt you didn't see him that way and so, moved on with life and is over the moon you feel this way

            There are too many buts in life. What is meant to be will be.

            Be brave

            They will still be friends after, you can't stop strong friendships either.
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • Originally posted by ThisOneThought View Post
              Just as what the heading implies: I have fallen for my brother's best friend.

              I've known him a little over ten years now. We've never dated before and quite frankly I have never given it much thought. He's my brother's best friend, why would I? But recently I am just now starting to feel like he is probably the best guy for me. We get along great, we make each other laugh, we find each other attractive, he isn't turned off that I have a kid (in fact, he has told me he finds a woman who is a good mother attractive). For a few years now we've been flirty with each other. Usually on nights where we've let loose and had a few drinks. The next day we pretend like nothing happened and go about the way we normally are, and it never feels awkward. We've never had sex, we have kissed before, and cuddled together in bed a few times. I have just always told him that I didn't think it was a good idea since he's my brother's friend. He seemed to agree.

              Just recently, he has gotten into a relationship with a friend of mine, someone I met through work. And now that he is with her, my feelings for him have come out with mad force. The other night, a bunch of friends and I had gone to his place to finish off our night of drinks and fun, and not only did he and I flirt like crazy, but he kissed me and we spent a lot of time talking. I felt bad afterwards because he is with her now. Although she and I have only known each other a few months, we aren't super close, I still respect her. But if I am going to be honest to myself, then I have to admit yes, I am jealous. I wish I had taken an opportunity with him before she had the chance. I'm hoping that they don't work out now so that I can have my chance with him. I even talked to my brother and he almost seemed offended by the fact that he was used as an excuse for us not to get together...he says, he's not blind and he's seen us havin feelings for each other for a few years now lol!

              thoughts please?
              If your brother best friend is over 18 adult so what go for it. Your brother not dating him he's only a best friend with the guy it would be the same if your brother wanted to date your best friend the same thing. I really think you looking way to much into all this he's not a family member so go for it and have fun.
              When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

              Comment


              • So, do we get an up-date?
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                Comment


                • I smiled when I read the part that your brother got offended because you used him as an excuse. Girl, I might sound so evil, that girl with YOUR guy should be eliminated as soon as possible. Haha!
                  "I make sure I do my best, because it is always worth it, no matter what you want to achieve in life."
                  ANDREIA BRAZIER

                  Comment


                  • Okay, here's an update. I don't really know what to think of all this so I will definitely need advice! Here is a run down of what happened last weekend between us:

                    Last Thursday, he came over to my place with his gf and her friend to hang out with me and my brother. She had to leave early to take her friend home and he said he was going to stay and crash in my bro's room (at my place). I went to bed and invited him by text message to sleep in my room with me. (I didn't want to say it out loud in front of my bro lol). He ended up not getting the text until morning, but after receiving it, he came to my room and asked me if he could buy me breakfast. I was embarrassed that I even asked him and felt bad bc of his gf, so I declined breakfast.

                    Later that night, I went to hang out with him and his gf at his place. He and I went to the store alone and I apologized for inviting him to my room, saying I shouldn't have put him in that position and I feel bad that I did that to his gf. He reached over from his seat and touched the inside of my thigh, telling me not to worry about it, that he would've taken me up on the offer if he had seen the message. When we got back to his place, there was some drinking going on, and his gf got really drunk and wasted. While she was in the other room, he and I were literally like magnets to each other. He kept touching me, and I admitted to being attracted to him. He tried to kiss me but I backed away and I told him I could not do that to his gf, that I didn't want to be that kind of person, I didn't want to have that character flaw. He told me at that point that he has wanted to be in a relationship with me for a long time. I was like, "Shhhh!! Your gf can probably hear you!" He said he didn't care. I wrapped my arms around his waist but as soon as we started hugging and getting close his gf came in the room. She was so wasted she did not even hear what was said or notice the behavior between he and I.

                    The next night I called him on the phone and was trying to tell him my feelings but I was pretty much beating around the bush. I told him I wanted to spend time with him but I didn't feel like it was right, and he said we were friends, it was okay. Then he asked me, "What are you really trying to say?" I just said I didn't know and that it was probably a pointless conversation anyway and then I got off the phone.

                    We haven't spoken since but I cannot get him off my mind. I think about him constantly.
                    And by the way, he is 24 and I am 25. His gf is 18. Not that any of that matters but someone who had commented had asked about age.

                    I texted him this morning after everyone of my friends told me to tell him how I feel. I just told him I needed to talk to him. I'm hoping maybe we can get together face to face, alone, soon.

                    Soo.....what do you all think?! I am super nervous!

                    Comment


                    • I hate to be a party pooper but I don't like the sound of this. He sounds seedy, tbh. If he's willing to say he doesn't care about his current GF while feeling you up and kissing on you, you can bet he'll do the same when/if you're on the other end (when his next potential GF is on the couch while you're sick in bed or whatever). Also the "wanted to be in a relationship with me for a long time" line sounds like just that, a line. My fear is that if you got into a serious relationship with this guy (at the expense of his current GF), you'd find it was a lot more brief and temporary than you envisioned.
                      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                      Comment


                      • He didn't get your message but when he did he asked if he could buy you breakfast, that to me, leads to conversation when two people are alone. He could have just told you he crashed, didn't get the message and left it at that.

                        Though, I too don't like the part where he stated "he would have, had he had read the text" a "gentleman" ditches the girl first, even if you would only be cuddling.

                        He told me at that point that he has wanted to be in a relationship with me for a long time. I was like, "Shhhh!! Your gf can probably hear you!" He said he didn't care
                        This sounds promising but as you have never had sex before, I would definitely be cautious if he does leave this current relationship for you, you want to make sure it's not because he doesn't really care about this girl at all and has always wanted to sleep with you.

                        But, on the plus side, as we can all make assumptions, it doesn't appear he entered this relationship in love, he entered it just because. (This girl he is with).

                        I told him I wanted to spend time with him but I didn't feel like it was right, and he said we were friends, it was okay
                        This part I don't again like, because he is using the fact that she knows you are friends, therefore, if you were to hang out together it's no big deal. But, it is, because he is suggesting to go behind her back.. He needs to be a man about all of this. On the devil's advocate part, he may be just trying to establish exactly what you want, hoping it's a relationship as he's already stated he has always wanted to be in one with you and the only way he can find that out, is if the pair of you meet up.

                        I texted him this morning after everyone of my friends told me to tell him how I feel. I just told him I needed to talk to him.
                        I am betting that either your Brother has already told him or one of your friends has already told him of your feelings. Just a gut feeling.

                        Go ahead and tell him. And, if he feels the same like he has insinuated, let him know that you won't be secretly doing anything, that he has to get out of his current relationship and that you further want to take it slowly, date properly for a while without (sex). To be sure that is his pure intention, that he really has wanted to be in a relationship with you.

                        Good luck and be assertive it's a bit like Romeo and Juliet Here is hoping that that is what it is...

                        But by stating and acting on the above 2nd to last paragraph you will know for sure as well.
                        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                        Comment


                        • Ahhhh....this is almost getting to be too much. I think I am so nervous because I am overanalysing
                          every detail.

                          To continue on with this bad habit I will tell you that I texted him. Here is what that looked like:

                          Me: Hey, I need to talk to you.
                          Him: (10 hours later, I am assuming after he got off work) Okay, whatsup?
                          Me: I'm at work now, but its not urgent or anything. Just maybe next time I see you? Its really not a text kind of conversation.
                          Him: Okay.

                          And that's it! Just three words I got out of him! It discourages me because I feel like hes not interested. I feel like he knows what this is about but isn't trying to show interest. He doesn't seem curious or eager or even happy to hear from me. I feel like I made a mistake in even texting him at all. I feel like my emotions are stupid. They aren't making sense. The whole situation seems ridiculous now and I feel like maybe I should just drop it.

                          Comment


                          • You may be overanalyzing a bit hon, yes, but your emotions are what they are, no point in self-criticizing. I still kind of feel like this is ....what I expected lol. If you get the vibe that he's baiting you or leading you on or playing you, I wouldn't bite. People who do that generally have an exploitative agenda in mind (like he'll ignore you in order to get you to throw yourself at him, then bang you, then walk away all proud of himself for scoring the hot chick). If he doesn't want to talk, let him not talk. Be the stronger one and let him come running to you if he wants. Otherwise no big loss.
                            [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                            Comment


                            • When I first started reading your story, it sounded romantic and like the plot line to a romance movie (that movie Something Borrowed or Made of Honor). But reading your most recent entries, I am starting to think Jen is right. If this was really important to him, he would have asked to talk about this right away and discuss things, not leave it to you to bring up. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.

                              Definitely have a conversation with him. Tell him that you are not interested in being his thing on the side. Also tell him that things just feel too weird between you two so to stay away from each other for a while and definitely not be hanging out with him with his girlfriend. If he really wants a relationship with you, he will offer to leave his current girlfriend. If he doesn't, then you have an answer.
                              Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

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