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Could it be?

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  • Could it be?

    Well, I have met someone...yep, someone that I have been on 2 dates with, and have no little "what the?" moments to ponder about him. We've had serious discussions about expectations & what we need/want from a relationship, and it is really nice. It's really nice for a change! I look forward to hearing from him & seeing him again, tomorrow.
    There are little hints of the "real deal" flurrying around him, and I just can't seem to learn enough.

    Just thought you may be interested.

  • That's great! I hope things continue to go well Have fun and enjoy getting to know this person. I always thought that was the most fun part of dating


    • It is fun! I enjoy people in general, so dating was never difficult for me, in itself, but it can get exhausting with so many drama-filled, ill-fitting, mal-adjusted people on the scene.

      I actually met this man my first day on an online dating site. I was barraged with messages, and his stood out, only because he was blunt & to the point. I planned meetings with 3 of the men I messaged with that day, but he's the only one that has really any meaning for me. I haven't been back on that site, nor have I bothered speaking with the others since I've met him.
      He made an impression, that's for sure. And with me, that's not easily accomplished, I suppose. He took a genuine interest in ME, and actually asks meaningful questions & remembers those answers.

      He evidently researched my home town, and talked to me about it on our second date. We would be an interracial couple, so we had a discussion about that, and how my upbringing in a small, conservative, known-racist culture had influenced me. He was concerned that the pressures of family may be too much. I appreciated that he had really invested the effort to understand where I'd come from, where I stand on such issues, & why I am how I am now. He asked real questions, not the sorts of questions meant to impress, but he really put me to task, so as to know my real feelings & deeper thoughts on things. I'd never had such a genuine conversation, with a purpose with anyone before. There's a sort of wisdom in him, and strength that is so attractive.

      We talked about what needs we have for a relationship, the expectations we have for a partner in life. It was a level of discussion I have never had with anyone before. It was refreshing, and it just left me wanting more. He has been honest, I believe, and he's been insightful and sensitive to the topics we've discussed. He even picked out a rare sensibility of my own and recognized the vulnerability I had in that, in a respectful, non-manipulative way. I really think there could be something here. It's a bit frightening, in one way, but it feels so darn good!


      • How wonderful! It seems like the two of you are compatible on the most important criteria for you . . . he is direct, genuine and is able to,show,his interest in a productive way. He seems intelligent and interested in having an adult relationship. There are always issues with interracial dating, but should be far less at your stage in life. Enjoy the journey. I am very happy for you wherever this leads.
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


        • That is wonderful news Kitty, I wish you the very best with this new guy. This sounds like you two have hit it off well so thank you for sharing with all of us how it is all going for you.
          When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.


          • Wow Kitty, that's great! I know you have high standards so I'm sure he's awesome (so far). We want to know all the cheese btw (well, at least I do). You said you would be an interracial couple. So what's keeping you from being a couple? I'm guessing you both could see other people until you are a couple?

            Originally posted by effy2014 View Post
            There are always issues with interracial dating, but should be far less at your stage in life
            Tell me about it. I'm white, and while my GF is Brazilian I still consider her white because that's what she looks like. I mean, I don't really look at us as being interracial. Regardless, my dad will still give me crap about her not being Russian even though he likes her. He's even proclaimed to my GF how Russian women are the most beautiful women in the world (to push her buttons I'm sure), but my GF didn't take the bait. Had she expressed a dissenting opinion, she would have been done in his eyes. To some people, it's more than about skin color, it's about nationality (which is a more restrictive standard). So if my GF was from a "white" country, it would not change a thing.

            Anyway... More cheese Kitty, thanks.
            [B]"Are you serious? You're [i]bleeping[/I] THAT girl?"[/B][B] - [COLOR="#B22222"]jen1447[/COLOR][/B]


            • Well, we aren't a "couple" because we are just getting to know each other, and not sure if it's right just yet for that sort of "commitment". I use those terms rather lightly I guess. We want to build some trust, know each other better & bond a little before there's any discussion of future, which is to me what that step of being a "couple" indicates. We discussed it, we're free to see others, but neither of us currently chooses to. We have spent a considerable number of hours together, on those total of 3 dates now, and it is very nice. And to get to some cheese, as you call it...last night's date was revealing. We discussed our ideas of intimacy (not just sex) over dinner, and we share the same values on how that develops & it's place in a relationship.
              He was with his wife 16 years. She was his first & only, and he's been intimate with only 1 since the divorce. I find that very respectable & admirable.

              So, last night, I allowed him to kiss me. I wasn't expecting much, realizing first kisses are awkward, but I was horribly disappointed. I am attracted to him physically, intellectually, emotionally...and then he kissed me & I was completely turned off. It was the most clumsy, disconnected, fumbling thing I've ever been involved with. So, I thought I'd better take the lead & go a little further, try to assure him and demonstrate what I like. So I tried to take a little control of it, which was fine, he didn't mind...but he just kisses in such a different style than mine, it was not enjoyable in any way. It was obnoxious & confusing...
              So, I thought perhaps, I'd do better to let him lead & follow with his technique...that also failed for me. It was so disappointing. It was amazingly bad, and I'm sure he must have thought the same about me. We have very different styles, very different ways...
              I finally just stopped the "session", and we cuddled for a bit, which was very nice.

              It isn't a deal-breaker, as I believe I can adapt, and he would too. These things can be worked on, and I'm not giving up based on this, but I'm discouraged. I really want a satisfying sexual relationship, and I want to please him too...but I fear we may not be suitable partners in that sense. Kissing, to me, is an indicator of how things may proceed with the physical relationship.


              • Wow... I am shocked to read he was a bad kisser... And it seems like you gave real effort to make it work. Sort of disappointed by the outcome. I don't think I've known someone to say that a person they kissed was very bad. Generally, people will be good at doing something they like. Maybe he just does not like kssing and only kissed you because he felt like that's what potential couples do? I don't know... I have not had any awkward first kisses, but I imagine how a very bad kiss can be a deal breaker. If I bombed a kiss, I'd probably be too embarassed to see the girl again.
                [B]"Are you serious? You're [i]bleeping[/I] THAT girl?"[/B][B] - [COLOR="#B22222"]jen1447[/COLOR][/B]


                • I don't know, SA. I feel really bad about it. I never imagined such a thing, and I've never experienced such bizarre approach to kissing. I miss kissing...never realized how much I really loved kissing until I was without it. I think I even created a post about it here long ago.
                  He initiated the kiss...I accepted the advance. I didn't get a sense that he felt some sense of obligation, or that he thought I expected it.

                  I think it could be improved, and I'm certainly not considering ending things at this point over a bad first kiss. I will try again, and I may even talk to him about it-see if he liked it. I feel very open with him, and feel that I could just ask that question to see if he noticed any technical difficulties. I'll have my answer. Really, that's how well we already communicate & how much I think he's receptive to my thoughts & feelings. Obviously, I won't be rude or hurtful, because I don't think it's HIM, I just think we have very different style/preference. I am not even sure he touched my mouth/lips for about 50% of the efforts...it was just indescribable. I tend to be a slow-building, methodic, more sensual person, and his style was more like a woodpecker, is all I can think of to compare it to. And I truly don't mean that to be critical, but it was honestly comical & I had to laugh as I left him. Also, my sense of humor nearly got the best of me in the middle of it, and I had to stop it, or else I would have giggled at the silly feeling I got, likely embarrassed HIM, and felt horrible for it.

                  Now, please don't think I'm cruel. I had to laugh at the craziness of it all. This has gone so well, such a beautiful beginning, and I just thought, "what was that? how could that have possibly been so bad with such chemistry between us?"
                  We have lunch plans tomorrow, so, I'll consider bringing it up. I may just try again & see what happens, then address it after a second effort.


                  • atskitty2, you say you love kissing, but you'll give it up for him, to enjoy his other qualities. OK.

                    I'd advise you to have sex with him as soon as possible, because if he's bad in bed, I mean, if he's not a good fit for you, if you're a little more enthusiastic than you are now about him, you'll also tell yourself "well, sex isn't that important".

                    At the beginning of a relationship, we end up "excusing" stuff that is important to us. In the long run, it comes back to haunt us, to be missed by us.

                    That's one of the reasons there are so many posts of women/men who'd want their men/women to change. Because time makes you less forgiving and those things reclaim their real importance in our lives.

                    Anyway, I hope it works out.


                    • Rain, thanks for your feedback. I never meant to imply I'd give it up for him, completely. I'm just not ready to give up on him, completely, after one bad kiss. I think it deserves a second chance, an effort, when all other aspects are solidly in place for this stage. I won't be compromising on this issue, at this stage of my life. This is obviously a big ding against us, but it is possible we could adapt to each others style & be satisfied. I'm going to just ask him what he thought/felt about the encounter. That open communication is the tone I'd like to set here, voicing concerns & being honest, even when it's a sensitive & potentially hurtful topic. I think he can handle it-we've had some tough discussions already.

                      One of my friends also told me to have sex with him right away. I think, if the first physical contact for us (kissing) was incompatible, that jumping into bed is going to reveal no grand skills or sudden meshing of our technique, but only solidify that first impression. Seems to me that having what would certainly be bad sex, would ruin any chance there may be. I'd rather make an effort to communicate, & guide things in a different way, so that maybe a great experience could be had by both of us eventually.

                      I'm not naive. I realize this is probably not going to improve markedly, to a level that I wasn't actually turned off by it. But I should try. It's the right thing to do, and if I don't, I'll always wonder if it could have been salvaged. I don't want to wonder if I let a great guy go, without making every effort to make it work. Intimacy & sex aren't minor issues, so, it deserves an effort, but I'm prepared for the worst, realistically.


                      • You are taking the best approach. If he is as open to communicating about difficult issues, he will hopefully be as open to learning new styles of kissing. Could be that someone else trained him to do what he is doing.

                        I'm with you, kissing is very important . . . More so than sex. Let us know what happens.
                        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


                        • Well, I'm so glad I didn't bail on him. I kissed him yesterday, and then I casually mentioned to him it seems we have very different approaches. He said he had noticed, but really liked my kiss. We talked about it, then spent awhile practicing and trying out each other's techniques. It was amazing! He is amazing! I took a rather aggressive approach to it, and he really took to my way. I then asked him to teach me his favorite kiss. It was quite the moment...
                          Nothing beyond kissing, but it was so incredibly intimate and bonding for us.
                          I can't imagine we just met a week ago. I trust him, and I'm completely comfortable with him.

                          We spent the whole day together, and not just kissing!
                          I am smitten. I've had a goofy grin on my face all day, and it feels great!


                          • It sounds like you're getting your cake and eating it, too! Good girl!!


                            • Well, CW, he is definitely communicating his thoughts & feelings and yes, I think I may have a boyfriend or something going on here! lol He pointed out today that we've only known each other about 10 days, but we've spent every possible opportunity together.



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