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  • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
    Do you think that men are making a very conscious choice in doing so?
    And if so, do you have any idea why? Obviously they do it for the objective of keeping the girl (or guy, in those cases), but at some point, wouldn't they realise that they can't keep up the charade forever? And they're going to lose her when he stops the act?

    Sometimes I think men aren't fully aware of their own choices in that matter. Maybe the drive with attraction is so strong they just don't realise?

    I do think women do it too.
    I think some men do make a conscious choice, others do not. For some, it's part of the hunt, act the part, become the character. I think that some may not think through things until an end. Others are not really interested in getting to the end, only taking part of the dance. Losing the partner if the act doesn't continue is not always a sure thing. Some become emotionally invested. Some become time invested. Maybe they will be able to accept someone who is not their close to perfect match.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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    • There are a lot of men who are all sweetness & light in a relationship but then marry and beat the wife. This sounds very cynical, but there are men who fake charm. Then the man starts to dominate the woman, where she can't even use the toilet without permission. I'd much rather be single than in such a relationship. Anyhow, this is awfully cynical but it has always happened throughout history.

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      • Originally posted by Popcorn&Candy View Post
        I'd much rather be single than in such a relationship.
        yes, popcorn and candy
        heard a statistic that every 9 seconds, a women is assaulted
        (don't know if that statistic is true but if so, it is shocking)

        Comment


        • Originally posted by amy40 View Post

          yes, popcorn and candy
          heard a statistic that every 9 seconds, a women is assaulted
          (don't know if that statistic is true but if so, it is shocking)
          Its from the Bureau of Justice Statistics. Men are slightly more likely to be the victims of violent crime but the rate for both is about 2% a year in the USA.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • Originally posted by amy40 View Post

            it works both ways
            i.e. the woman who "pretends" to love football but really doesn't

            I know more than one women who have "two voices" , a sweet lilting voice for people they are trying to impress and then their real voice


            Yes, it does work both ways, and there are certainly women who pretend to like a lot more than just football before they marry...

            As for the two voices thing: my wife does that exactly - there's the voice she uses on the phone, then there's the voice she uses with me

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            • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
              ...wouldn't they realise that they can't keep up the charade forever? And they're going to lose her when he stops the act?.
              Maybe it's not always a charade, maybe it's just working at being a better person, sometimes anyway. Not unlike dressing better than you usually do, or being on your best manners when there's someone you really want to impress.
              I may have done that myself...

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              • Originally posted by Texasred View Post
                As for the two voices thing: my wife does that exactly - there's the voice she uses on the phone, then there's the voice she uses with me
                absolutely hate that; my mom used to do it

                I do have two voices......my talking and my singing voice
                my singing voice is off tune but I sing anyway......always in the car and sometimes in stores to store music

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                • OMG!!! You're a store singer!!!!!
                  No!!!! No no no!!!!!!!!!!

                  Lol
                  I'm being dramatic.

                  I have been shopping twice over the past 2 yrs maybe, when I've experienced a woman singing...so loud that it was hard to get away from and terribly annoying as it was just off with the overhead music. I have a serious aversion to loud, disorganized noise or noises that are not in sync...it's very agitating in my brain.
                  Both times she had a gorgeous voice but it was such a distraction and irritant to me.
                  It all only started with my illness...so I'm sure it's part of whatever that is, and I just leave the store.
                  Anyway...

                  Texas, I could see a man or woman doing that in the beginning...putting the best foot forward and such, but months in or a year into dating, I tend to let the guard down and let someone get to know me, as I am. I wear my gym clothes or, let them see me on a lazy day, with dirty hair or no makeup.

                  At some point I wanna know who the person is at/near their worst, before I commit.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                    ...At some point I wanna know who the person is at/near their worst, before I commit.
                    Maybe, or maybe not. What if that person just doesn't want to be "their worst" anymore? What if that was just inertia, and meeting you was the stimulus they needed to change?
                    I'm not saying this is common, but I think it does happen.
                    I know there have been times when I was alone and sat around on Saturday mornings with vodka in raisin bran for my breakfast, but those days are long gone! :-)

                    Comment


                    • Of course, I'm much better now, than 15 yrs ago, even at my worst. I think we all grow and develop better skills, or at least we try to. But I think what's been described here is very different.

                      ETA: I also think that being a catalyst for change could be a point of discussion here. I don't necessarily think that lasting, genuine change comes through inspiration of pleasing someone else, or obtaining the company of someone else. I think we only really change for ourselves. I'm not referring to little habits and preferences, like the toilet paper roll or how we prefer our tea. I'm talking about WHO we are, how we manage conflict and communicate, how we approach life and behave in the world.

                      Last edited by atskitty2; 01-25-2018, 11:22 AM.

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                      • That's true, but sometimes meeting a new person can be that catalyst for change. I recall exactly the day a certain woman came into my life, and all the thoughts that ran through my head as I was first speaking to her. Thoughts that ran from touching her, to introducing her to my parents, to picturing what our children might look like... And this at a time in my life when I was certain I'd never marry again! But mixed in all this, I resolved to work harder, go back to school, learn to control my hot-headed temper - all this in the time it took me to walk her to her car.
                        And I did change: I got my Master's in engineering, I became a manager in my company, and it's been years since I've actually punched someone!

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                        • So are you saying you did all that for her?

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                          • Originally posted by Texasred View Post
                            Thoughts that ran from touching her, to introducing her to my parents, to picturing what our children might look like...
                            And I did change: I got my Master's in engineering, I became a manager in my company
                            texasred
                            curious, did you do all that for your current wife or someone else?

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                            • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                              So are you saying you did all that for her?
                              I did all that for me, but she was the inspiration.

                              Comment


                              • did you do all that for your current wife or someone else
                                Someone else inspired me.
                                We were together for a couple of very good years, but when I got a new and much better job and had to relocate, she chose not to make the move with me.

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