[sTyLeRock]

Hi Everyone,

Well i'm just gonna tell you my problem(s) and input or advice you can offer would help me massively!

So my girlfriends sexual history is tearing me up inside, she has had 32+ Partners while i haven't even had 1/10th of that,

It's not a "I Don't think i'm good enough" or "How am i Compared to them", i know i'm good. all though i haven't been in that many situations or group...

Just thinking about her with another guy makes me depressed, stressed and physically sick, like i had rash all over my arm my doc said it was stress related. i've even thrown up from thinking about it.

I Can't help but play movies in my head >_<..

I Want to work through this because i love her i've read a bit online and notice that alot of the time the guy will never get over it... and then he turns abusive and sabotages the relationship...

This is the kind of person i want to spend the rest of my life with..

From when i wake up to when i goto sleep i think about her but always in the back of my mind i also think about her past...

She unwilling will make sly comments about people she's slept with or sumfin like that and it just shoots my mood down.

Also she still speaks to alot of guys that she's slept with.. i don't know what i'd be like if i ever met them face to face.


Has anyone ever got over this issue in a relationship? or can offer some advice on what i can do to get past this.. it's the only thing thats stopping me from letting go and be happy with this person.

-Daniel

[WildChild]

You've given me some insightful responses.

This is a toughie, I've been on the woman's side of this sort of with a man who couldn't cope. First of all, her making 'sly comments' about past lovers is not cool, that sounds like she is trying to draw a response from you and not a positve one. Although, some people do get off on thinking about their lover with someone else - being an observer of their pleasure. But if she knows this is upsetting to you and if she cares for you, she should stop it. As for talking to men she's slept with, that depends on why and when. If they were freinds who enjoyed each other sexually it's not surprising but most people seem to have trouble maintaining relationships once the sex is over.

The older you get and the more life experiences you have the less this sort of thing will probably bother you. But right now, for where you are in life, this is a huge issue. I had a relationship in my younger days, right out of high school with a guy who obsessed over my past. I did not play the head games your gf is and most of what he got worked up over had no basis in reality. In other words he would assume I'd slept with every guy who gave me a glance. I let him make my life miserable. We'd go someplace, I'd say hi to an old classmate or some guy would smile at me and I'd unthinkingly smile back and the fight would be on, it would go on all night.

The sex was amazing, he was reallllly good. But it wasn't worth it. We were both miserable. He finally broke it off and I was devistated for a while but it was a good thing it ended. He's never married and I think his first relationship with a gf in high school who had screwed around, screwed him up. The point is, you have to work on your issues around the inablity to cope with the idea that a lover isn't coming to you a virgin. Why would she be sleeping with you if she'd stayed a virgin that long? I call this the virgin/ thing. A lot of guys (especially younger ones) have this fantasy in their minds that they will find this woman who is amazing in bed but was a virgin until they met. Doesn't happen, virgins tend to be clumsy and need time to learn. Past a certain age they are virgins by conviction and want marriage before you're getting any.

It doesn't sound like this is a healthy relationship for you. You are right to want to get over this obsession but it sounds like she is head tripping you and you don't need that. Trust is vital in a relationship, it makes the sex better, communication better, it's just huge and it doesn't sound you're going to have it with this girl. You have to do what is best for you but from what you've said here it sounds like you should chalk this one up to your list of experiences and move on. It may not be easy but are torturing yourself and at some some level her too. A good relationship should be fun!

Take some of your own advice and let your light shine!

[sTyLeRock]

Hey Wild,

I Prob do need to take some of my own advice, but i really really want this to work, i haven't been this happy with a women.. ever..

i met her a while ago when she was with another b/f and i'd always tell myself that my perfect girl would have a personality like **** and its ironic that we ended up together,

she's had a brutal past.. literally and i just want to make her happy.. but this is eating away at me.

i wouldn't say it's the "virgin" thing, but just can't get the idea and images out of my head of her with other guys.. it makes me sick... and it's sending me into a bit of depression

-Daniel

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Emotions are a strong factor in all that we do, or don't.

You are working on emotions.

Emotions of her brutal past " the Knight".
Emotions of her past relations - "the stud".

If I recall, she stated that she had better "oral" or something and then said she was winding you up?

Take your own advice, whether it is for her in the end, or yourself, in the end, be "YOU" and no-one else.

Make wild love with her because you want her, you desire her, you lust after her, perhaps love her.

And, be there for her because "you want to" not because of her brutal past...

Often, abused, relate more to abusers, they are in a rut and can't get out of that rut, the nicer you are, the "knight" the protector without also being a bit firm and showing a form of "respect, expected" the less opportunities sometimes you have of making it work.

Too nice.
Too clingy.
Too trying.

Just be you and if your not happy with the constant communications with her past, remember what we said on the other Thread... It's her priogrative to have friends and to communicate to whom ever she wants to.

But, but, she also has to "respect" you and communication there, over what's fair and what's not is probably just as important, if not, important to a relationship.

She can't have everything, absolutely everything her own way, it won't work.

The old saying " treat them mean and keep them keen" in the correct way not as an as*.. still with love, is what sometimes is needed, with someone whom has had the freedom to be herself all her life.

Even, though she has been used, and i suspect, abused before she then allowed others, it's not out of her system, she's not ready to totally let the Knight in.. She probably wants to but still has issues herself to deal with.

So, be strong and don't be frightened to just be you.

If she goes back to old ways, you can't save the world... Your trying to save her, but if you can you can, if you can't remember people come into our lives for reasons, if they have to exit, someone else comes in.

Enjoy your life, your way too young to worry about it.

CW

[Joy]

Style,

This situation of her bringing up comments from her past with past lovers sounds like she is pushing your buttons. It is probably how she tries to control her men. Have them worrying about usless garbage that doesn't matter. When any man or woman uses this tactic or approach in a relationship they are really just hiding from their own insecurities.

She has accomplished this if you are throwing up and developing skin rashes. In reality she is probably afraid you will leave her for the holes in her personal development.

If she wants to live in the past then maybe she should go hook up with one of her past lovers. Maybe you are her future and part of that but she will never know until she stops living in the past.

It doesn't matter if she has had 1 or 100 lovers its quality not quanity that matters when it comes to good relationships and sex. Its how open, honest and willing to be involved. Not the head games played and who won.

Let this woman know you love her but her BS doesn't fly with you. Let her know you would like to get to know the real woman inside not the facade she has built around herself unless that is she is to afraid to be loved and love someone back. Call this woman on her transparent behavior

[sTyLeRock]

update

Well me and her have spoken a bit..

and well she's told me alot about her past and that her heart will always be broken.

she's been abused, used, raped ect.. ect.. like really bad stuff.... she tells me that she can never be truely happy again because of her past.

she pushes everything at the back of her mind, and i can see it.

i'm not really hung up on her being abused and raped but more hung up on the stuff she willingly did.. i dunno...

i just don't know what to do with this relationship like i love her acleast in some way and want us to work, but if i try and rationalize everything i am not sure if i can be 100% happy with her.. acleast i am not sure yet..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well at least she is open and honest.

If she has been dealt so many cards, she will not trust anyone for a long time, and her attitude will be "use" and "be" because that is what has happened to her, she can't go with "heart" because it is kind of a bit dead there, if that makes sense.

I do know of many people ( over time ) have been able to bring someone out of something like this and develop deep bonds.

But, on the same accord, some have tried and failed, ( never a failure ) rather the other person can not let go.. of the past and the hurt and won't get / seek help for it and so they fail, the person who tried didn't fail.

Just be wary of our heart.

She has told it how it is....

Take care.

CW

[Guest]

What # are You?

Style - I can understand how you feel, I've been there some what but not to your extent.
I can also appreciate her past hurts and Pain. But now this thing about bringing up her voluntarily past adventures is another sort.

Think, Why would she bring up her past partners, look her track record. I find it odd that you actually know the aprox. #, wow! Now, are you going to be a statistic another # ?
I can see it now, she'll be telling #47 about you who was #42.

Just be honest with her again & say hey this is the issue, I care about you but we are going to get over this hump or it's over, you've got a life to live man, and you don't want to live it in misery, right? Cheer Up Be a man, Pull up your boot straps ! Good Luck

[sTyLeRock]

Hi

Thanks for the advice,

Am i ready for a girlfriend? yes,

when i broke up with my ex. i was happy that i could sleep around meet chicks no restrictions ect. ect..

but i actually turned down girls and sex.. to me sex isn't like the fun thing to do every couple weeks with a diff girl..

this might be another thing that gets to me that to me sex is something special with the person u do it with, but the fact she has been with so many tells me that to her it isn't..

over last week or so i have seeked advice from many people and many pua's and people experienced in multiple relationships. i do feel a ton better with the wisdom they've showen me. but my chest still feels heavy that i have to focus on breathing..

i don't know how to let it go... and i should learn how to let things go, anyone know any books or any techniques where you can just let go and let everything out or something ? i dunno..

Weed and Alcahol don't count as solutions

[WildChild]

Got any hobbies? A project you've been putting off? Find a physical or mental project to immerse yourself in. Or try something new, volunteer with Habitat for Humanity, take a class that will really challenge you, climb a mountain (maybe that should wait until perdictable weather). Getting over an emotional ache is often helped by really pushing yourself physically or challenging yourself emotionally.