[ThexMrs]

Today started off as a great day until an hour ago. Throughout the day I talked to my boyfriend. We laughed, we had great talks and everything was going perfect. I apologized for times in the past when I critisized him out of anger about the things that he did. I told him that I am working on being the best girlfriend for him. He said that I already am and that he loves me very much. I then told him that I want us to have the best possible relationship that we can have. He thanked me.

We were on the phone an hour ago (a little over at this point) and everything was going great. I got really quiet though because he was on the computer or so I thought. I could hear the clicking so I stopped to wait for him to finish so that I knew he was paying attention. He asked why I was quiet and I said, well you're on the computer. (He was being quiet and that's why I stopped talking and then heard the sounds of what I thought was the keyboard) He then told me that he was done and that he was just checking to see when his credit card payment was due. His story took a little bit longer than a normal one would and to be honest it sounded like so I called him on it. He got quiet and then asked if he could get off of the phone and finish watching Ax Men. I said sure and he told me that he would talk to me tomorrow and that he loved me. I texted him after we got off of the phone and wrote: "That ended weirdly." He responded with: "Sorry, what question? Would I do that for a living? Yes. " I then said: "What?" Well I didn't get a response and so I called him. He wouldn't answer. It was obvious that what he had been doing was texting another woman while we were on the phone. He wouldn't answer because he knew he was caught.

I wrote him the following email and he will get it at work tomorrow.

"Marty,

I don't know the words that I want to say. I'm at a loss. I'm honestly in shock over something that deep down I knew was going on. I had this feeling the whole time but I ignored it because I wanted to believe you. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You lied to me back to back and in the end, you got caught. I know that's why you didn't answer my calls. I know how you think. "I'm going to be in trouble either way so I'll just put it off until tomorrow." I know you inside and out. I'm not sure how many times you have to hurt me for you to understand that what you are doing is not okay. I'm well aware that I am not the only girl now. I never was. You must not know how bad it hurts for someone to do this to you. I know all too well how bad this hurts. My hands start to shake, I feel like I'm going to throw up, I cry and I can't control it. The thought of us not being together kills me. You see how much I love you. Look at the conversations that we had tonight. I'm trying so hard to be the best girlfriend that I can for you but it's not enough. I forgive and I forgive what you do and what you've done. I love you unconditionally, better yet, I love(d) you unconditionally up until now. I accepted everything that you do differently in your life and loved you through it all. I'm hurt, very hurt by your actions, repeated actions. You want me to trust you, all on your own tonight, you proved that I can't. I don't know why you want to break my heart so badly but you have. I want you to know that. You've really, really broken it this time.

Lindsay"

I feel like cutting so badly. I called one of my friends and I just had to get off of the phone. I can't talk on the phone right now. I'm sick, I'm hurt, I want to hurt myself badly. Let me be honest, nothing you say is going to stop me from hurting myself if I really want to so not to be rude but don't bother telling me not to. I feel like getting high (on pills) but I don't have any. I'm just a wreck.

[rcoreyus]

How do you know he was texting another woman and not reading Womens-health?

[ThexMrs]

Because I am not a moron. We've had this talk about other women and also other men. I heard him clicking (texting) while we were on the phone and then that just happens? Not a coincidence. I know what he was doing and that's why he didn't answer when I called him after it happened. This is an on going problem in our relationship. Honestly, the only problem we have. It's also the last problem. I have to break up with him tomorrow because I can't keep going through this. If he loved me, truly loved me, this wouldn't be going on. I'll hear him out tomorrow, give him a chance to explain but then that is it. As bad as I don't want to break up with him, this is a toxic relationship and it has to end.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sweet, I won't chew you on what your feeling, I know there's no point.

But, I will say, that you are growing on us and that we actually do care, that's all I am saying.

Certainly it seems that he does let you down, claims to be single but not, tells you he loves you, but you've shown a whole heep of " he's wonderful" through your posts, the best of the best, of what you've had..

I know I have asked basically if what your seeing is what is happening, but he doesn't seem to communicate, rather skirts the issues.

I am only asking does he do this as not to get into an arguement and knowing that your vulnerable, or because he really is texting ie) and not doing what he said he was doing.

You know we as women can see things worse than they actually are sometimes and sometimes it's best to reflect and then ask the next day, not spill out all that we are, emotional people, there and then, but wait and think.

I know your hurt and your not a Moron or stupid either, but, maybe he told you the truth just he is not one to really communicate, with you, or anyone and is a massive flurt but doesn't stray.

Maybe it's time you actually asked him to be 100% honest for once in his life and be a man and explain why he doesn't answer what you ask, and that "I love you are words easily said unless seriously mean't..." and you want the facts for once, in his life what ever they are.

What if I am right?

CW

[ThexMrs]

It's true. He does let me down a lot. I feel that if he were truly happy that he wouldn't be talking to other women let alone getting off of the phone to talk to other women. I ask him every now and then if there is anything I can do to better our relationship or make him happier and he always says no. He tells me that things are wonderful. This is why I don't understand. I've tried to break up with him in the past and he won't allow it. I recall one specific time that I tried to break up with him and his response was, "Thank you for the suggestion but I am going to have to decline." He wants to be with me but I feel that he wants to have his cake and eat too. It really makes me feel like I am not good enough for him when I honestly think that it is the other way around.

A girlfriend and I were talking on Friday and she said that 99% of what we think is either created in our mind or just not true. We grasp things and turn them into something that they are not. I believe that to some degree however, I don't think that I am making these things up or turning them into something that they are not. It wasn't a coincidence that he text someone else right after we got off of the phone. It wasn't a coincidence that he sent it to me instead of who he was really trying to text. I know that he was doing it while we were on the phone because he said exactly what I wrote above. That meant that they were talking.

Yes, he does try to skirt the issues because A) If he confronted them when it happened, he wouldn't have time to make up a lie or an excuse for what he did and B) He is not a serious person. He doesn't like to have serious conversations.

I have flat out asked him if he has cheated on me. He says no. A huge part of me believes that but to him, what is cheating? Maybe that's the real question. Maybe I am just naive. I want to believe him but he always proves to me that I shouldn't. I know this man inside and out. I know what each little sound he makes means, each sigh, each little breath, everything. I always know when he is lying to me. That's one reason that I don't think he has taken it to a physical level at this point because I would know. He is a BAD liar. But maybe he has just gotten good at it. I don't know anymore.

If you are right, wow. That's all I can say but I have a feeling that the way he reacted (which is the same way every time he gets caught) tells me that he was guilty.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It really makes me feel like I am not good enough for him when I honestly think that it is the other way around

Regardless of the area of what you do that I don't like, that others do that, I don't like which is common but I still don't like, haha, I know you got that bit.

You actually are quite sensible, grounded and knowledgable, dont' get into the habbit however, of "trying" to know someone inside out, because then you do in fact "look" for things wrong... remember that.

He may very well love you for instance and hasn't strayed but can not stop being a tad of a batchelor, declines because he loves you, flirts only, I mean, if he watched porn and made you feel in-adequate that is not the same?

Sometimes, all I can say is it takes a "good woman" to get behind a man so that he sees he is " a man" and only wants her.

You have to stop saying " how can I make things better for you", rather, "how can WE make things better for us".

Don't procrastinate, nor make decision, nor do the woman emotional brain waive, the key is to get into his head and make him realise how he is making you feel and see if he can see this and make changes through love, or just be a selfish person in which case, you are right, you deserve better.

Don't judge yet and don't stress yet...

It's time to get the cards right out on the table..

You love me? Then prove it...

Quit being a batchelor that loves me, and enter with me, into "the" relationship of your life, or lose me.

Stop the emails,

Talk

Is this where i go ? Kiss? lol..

You are who you are and and such, your making is in the equal, someone else who is who he is, but in that, become one.

CW

[WildChild]

You've been dealing with this for a while now. Trust is the critical factor in a relationship. If you can't trust him then end it. Then spend some time with yourself and see if you can determine what you need to be able to trust? You've had your trust abused and that needs mending or you'll be tilting at windmills all your life - finding suspicions even when there is no reason and that won't be good. Best to let this one go. There are some really good men in the world who are deserving of trust.

[Hopeless Dork]

Xmrs, sometimes you just know in your gut and no explanation or proof is really needed. Sometimes though, our guts are so very wrong. Me, personally, I am so very insecure and in real relationship for the first time in my life and I have made a prior commitment to myself before starting it that I was not going to let myself drive myself crazy and sabotage any chance at happiness I may have.

Once we start to lose trust, boom - all down hill from there. Whats real , not real doesn't matter anymore because what we imagine COULD have happened hurts us enough to make them miserable over it regardless of what DID actually happen.

We are all human beings, we all have faults, everyone has different needs when it comes to feeling like a balanced person. Some need the ego-stroke of knowing they COULD hook up if they wanted to, even if they have no intention to. For men its different than women. They don't get the catcalls, the random girls asking for their number or girls eyeing them up and down , honking them as they walk by etc..as much women do.

If a woman is feeling down she can dress herself up and hit even a grocery store to feel like she has still got it. A guy, well... if he's feeling down about himself and isn't brad pitt, he's not going to know if he's attractive to women unless he chats them up and flirts a bit. Its a dangerous game because for some men, they are only as faithful as their options and could end up hopping into bed with everyone that gives them the time of day. I would NOT be happy if my boyfriend needed to do that to feel good about himself, so that is where compatibility comes into play. You have to find someone that won't do things you absolutely can't handle.

Thing is you can't possibly know what is going on in his brain as to why he is doing that without asking him. And he may not realize the extent of damage he is doing to your trust by communicating with random girls online. If you really care about him and want to make it work you have to talk to him and listen to what is really going on without any judgment or getting angry. Then once he has told you what he is willing to give up to make you happy and what he absolutely won't stop.. then you will have to decide for yourself if he really is the right match for you.

But you might be jumping the gun without having that open honest dialogue and missing out on something that could make you happy. We tend to throw in the towel too quick when trust issues are involved and I know from your previous posts that you are very very concerned with him cheating on you. But if he hasn't done it, worrying about if and when he will ever do that is only going to make you unhappy. Its crying over milk that has not even spilled yet.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the best with healing from this hurt. I guess if we didn't have things that brought us pain and misery and heartache, we wouldn't even begin to know how to appreciate the things that bring us pure joy. If you decide to stick it out with him and worth through his behaviors, do yourself a favor and be open to talking to him about what he is doing, if your only response is anger and threatning to break up that is not producing an enviorment where he will want to be honest with you and you need that to help you decide if you care to hang in there or not.

[ThexMrs]

I was right as I suspected. He was texting another woman while we were on the phone and yes he lied about being on the computer. He said that he knew how I would react so he lied about texting her.

Her name is Tracy and he works with her. He says he doesn't know how old she is and he also said he's not attracted to her. Apparently, they're "smoking" buddies at work I guess. He says that that was the first time they'd text and the only reason they exchanged numbers was because she needs help moving. This happened two weeks ago that they exchanged numbers. He also said that she has two kids and he has no interest in her.

I flat out asked him if there was something going on. I don't feel that a woman would text him at almost 11 pm just to mention something about a tv show. It just seems weird to me. He says that nothing is going on and that there is no one else.

I asked him why he didn't reply to my email and why he didn't call or text which I knew he wouldn't and I already know why but I wanted to see what he would say. He said that he knew two lines (which is normal for him in emails) wouldn't be sufficient and I would be mad about that and also that he felt when I was ready to talk that we would and I would call him.

That's what you call a coward. This is the way it always is. He does something wrong and I have to be the bigger person and say that we need to talk about it. I called him and he didn't answer so I sent him a text asking about the project he had due at work today. He called me back and we talked about that. I then said how I hadn't eaten since yesterday and how I'd been sick. He said, oh honey, blah blah blah. So that's how we got into this conversation. He said it's ridiculous but I don't know.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I was right as I suspected. He was texting another woman while we were on the phone and yes he lied about being on the computer. He said that he knew how I would react so he lied about texting her.

Okay... So he knows you.. But what woman would "not" react, if someone lied? Do you honestly give him a hard time about everything, and so he chooses not to tell....

Her name is Tracy and he works with her. He says he doesn't know how old she is and he also said he's not attracted to her. Apparently, they're "smoking" buddies at work I guess. He says that that was the first time they'd text and the only reason they exchanged numbers was because she needs help moving. This happened two weeks ago that they exchanged numbers. He also said that she has two kids and he has no interest in her.

So, he gave you her name and told you that she worked with him but he would know her age, I think... I would... "you guess", or he stated that they chat and have cigarettes together. So, he offered to help her move did he not? If they exchanged numbers after she stated she needed to move and needed help. So she likes to use people, play the role of poor me? Well I suspect he has no interest in "a relationship" because he has to part with money for children... He is 15 years older than you?

So my question might be did she flirt, bat her eyelids to get help, with moving for nothing, and therefore, he thinks with his... and thinks maybe, but I'm not interested in anything else, geez she has kids.

You have to explain your relationship again with him weekly and how it is, to ascertain which...

I flat out asked him if there was something going on. I don't feel that a woman would text him at almost 11 pm just to mention something about a tv show. It just seems weird to me. He says that nothing is going on and that there is no one else.

I would too... She would if she wants him to think he can get something so that she can... (TV Show) Did he tell you that?
I asked him why he didn't reply to my email and why he didn't call or text which I knew he wouldn't and I already know why but I wanted to see what he would say. He said that he knew two lines (which is normal for him in emails) wouldn't be sufficient and I would be mad about that and also that he felt when I was ready to talk that we would and I would call him.

Again, I am wondering if you quiz him on everything, you know he could be nieve and we are reading it wrong, that's why we need to know how he is with you... He could just say here she goes I will wait.


That's what you call a coward. This is the way it always is. He does something wrong and I have to be the bigger person and say that we need to talk about it. I called him and he didn't answer so I sent him a text asking about the project he had due at work today. He called me back and we talked about that. I then said how I hadn't eaten since yesterday and how I'd been sick. He said, oh honey, blah blah blah. So that's how we got into this conversation. He said it's ridiculous but I don't know.

Na, not necessarily rather, non-confrontation until you've slept on it. Did he do something wrong?

See constantly having non trust ruins a relationship, questioning does to and so does, then doubting what someone is saying.

You should be asking him, for instance, so does she have the hots for you or is she just leading you on, so that you help her move for nothing, seriously it's possible she is just using you love and batting her eyelids, to get a free removalist.

Sometimes we see things wrong.

SORRY haha, I am not sure on this, really.

I recall some of your threads and I am wondering if he just covers to pacify you.

Nothing wrong with me being the devils advocate, I can say what you want me to say, or else pose questions so there is more to look at other than the way your thinking.

CW