[panasonic]

Hi - I'm a MAN - and new to this site.

I'm 44 - married since 1994 - no children - a big beautiful home - and I’ve been refused sex from my wife for the last seven years .... yes - you read that correct.

During this time I’ve been frustrated to say the least ... I’m physically fit - slim, very handsome
and over 7.5 inches long ( you know what-um-say’n there ? ) ...

Yet - my wife just repels me - she has no interest in sex.
For the last 4 years or so - I’ve been sleeping in a separate bedroom.

Other than that - we get along fine !
We care for each other - we both love our home,
we share dreams to make our little world nicer ... just NO intimacy.

Over the last few years I’ve been probing around on an on-line dating site.
Texting with some woman - flirting ... imagining having intimacy back in my life.

Five months back - a woman sent me a message on that site ...
many have - but she was different ... we hit if off rather quickly.
Over a month or more we became close - only via text through the site,
but then off the site - still just e-mail.

We decided to meet close to her town.

She’s Beautiful.

She thinks I’m beautiful.

It was like two teenagers in high school.

We were just fixated with each other ...

As we said good bye, I asked her if I could just give her a hug.
She said yes - it was such a warm big hug ...
She gave me just a peck of a kiss on my lips ...
and Bam - that was it ... we just unloaded on each other ...
I’ve never experienced such passion kissing a woman ...
... wow ... just wow.

---

Now - at this point .... ****ty crappy ME,
did not reveal that I was married ...

ya ... I know ... I’m a jerk, an hole ... enough already
I’ve more than beat myself up about this ...

---

Over the next 2 days, I realised “ you cant continue this facade, you’ll fall in love and eventually have to reveal the truth “ -- so I wrote a long e-mail and spilled my guts to her.
The whole truth ...

She was of course ... angry. embarrassed that she let herself get in this position, and asked me to never contact her again.

... well I kind-a had that coming ... didn't I ?

I stayed up all that night - staring at the ceiling - feeling like I had just lost
something so precious ...

In the morning I check my e-mail ... to find that she had done the same ...
slept not a wink ... felt the same ... and wanted to stay in contact with me.

She knows my situation - my happy little marriage with zero intimacy and separate rooms,
much less beds ...

We’ve now been in touch for over 5 months.
We’ve met several times.
We kiss each other with such passion it’s amazing.
we play with each other - oral and touching ...

we ... just ... had intercourse ...

it was wonderful - we’re both so open with each other.
We share our thoughts, our feelings ... everything.
she’s amazing.

-

WHAT AM I GONNA DO ???

-

... why is my wife so un-interesrted in sex ?
... why is it taht I can have this incredable woman
so mad about me and have such a wonderful relatioinship
with her - yet my wife - repels me ? Just NO Inteterest in sex !
It’s like sex is BAD - Ikky, a SIN, to be avoided !!

.... I’m aproching a cross roads ...
I love my home ... and .... my wife ...
do I lust for my wife ... well - no, how could I ?
She’s put my sex life in the palm of my hand !!

But - I now pictiure how wondeful life could be
with this new special person in my life ...
Lots of questions ...
like - why is my wife like this ?
How could a woman let a marage degrade to this ?
and does she really think that I’m to accept
haveing the Rest of my Life ... celabate .. in a marage ?

---

Lend me some female thoughts ... could ya ????

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So my guess is that you love the "home" so much that you two have built that it would be difficult to walk away from that and lose it.

That your "friends" with your wife only, in which case this is what you should say to her, our relationship is a friendship you can love friends, but a Marriage is completely different, without intimacy I am in a "loveless relationship", it's time to talk and solve it or walk.

This lady may be perfect "for now", things change once you get to know each other but it does mean that you can find someone else, and be content, happy, in lust over the moon but you also have to bond and love.

Size doesn't matter.

Or maybe that's her problem!!!

You cheated, full stop.... Should she be told?

Are you really therefore, asking how to save your marriage? Or which direction you should go in?

Would you tell your wife you cheated on her and not just recently with sexual intercourse, rather, for months and months, via Internet dating, flirting, chatting, creating a false site, identity, fantasy that turned into a reality......?

Where really if money was not involved, a beautiful home, would you be right now given the choice, with her or the other lady?

Basically it's time to decide and if it's your wife, then you have to be 100% honest in all aspects with her, regardless of the consequences...

You were honest with the one you slept with, eventually...

CW

[panasonic]

I cant disagree with Anything you’ve said -
your points are all issues that I’ve thought about ...

with the exception of telling my wife what I’ve done.

Sorry - unless I end my marriage - I just don't see how that
serves any purpose and could only be destructive.

I mean really ... “ hun ? I’ve had an affair “
“ well that’s it, no more sex for you “

.... I’m already there !

--

I’m approaching the point of accepting that my marriage is a
sexless marriage ... but that’s not by my choice.
Should I volunteer to have a sexless life ?

--

I also question why this other woman continues
to see me - she knows everything - why be emotionally
attached to a married man ? Seems pointless.


--

[Joy]

so for the first 8 years of your marriage you and your wife had sex then the last 7 there is none. Have you asked why there has been none what so ever over the last 7 years? Not even once? When you moved to a separate bedroom was that your idea or hers? If it was yours what did she say? Did she notice?

Have you and your wife gone to counselling? If you are best friends why can't you talk about the lack of sex in terms of not blaming but how it hurts not to be intimate.

If you still both keep dreaming of ways of enriching your "lil world" together why are there no vacations that are just plain old errotic?

Can you discuss all this with your wife and if no means no can you discuss an open relationship where you both have rights and privliages to seek out other sexual partners but with the up most respect for one another .

The whole affair thing is just not smart if you have never tried counselling. Its like saying i've tried nothing and nothing works.

Sorry for all the questions

[blondie80]

Ok you have done the wrong thing, full stop on that and your not arguing that.
Question time, was there any time that defines why sex stopped? What have you tried to rectify the situation with your wife? Are you just there because its a comfort and what you know to be normal or because you truely love her?
These are all things that we need to understand to help you as well if you were happily in love with your wife and having sex with her would of you been looking outside your relationship for sex?
Why do you think your wife would just say no to sex if she knew, do you think if you sat and told her what happened she might realise that there has been a problem for a long time and see how sorry you were and rectify what is wrong or try counselling or something?

[panasonic]

OK - for both Joy and Blondie -

Joy don't apologise for question -
opinions and the perspective of others is what I’m looking for.

all be it - the other woman and I discuss these issue,
our thoughts are blinded by lust, loneliness, and the need to wanted,
or all of the above - on both parts ...

There WAS sex - years ago - but I would not say great sex.
and it was getting worse - sort of control sex on her part.
these are the acceptable;e positions ... no don't do that ...
no not tonight , and finally to the point where she would
simply masturbate me with KY to shut me up.

So that - no sex - plus being given rules of sleeping,
no reading, don't tug the covers .... I just said to myself,
“ I’d rather sleep alone and just sleep, or read if I want,
and then sleep “

Have we talked about the problem - yes of corse we have.
but it’s always the same thing ... just talk. and nothing.

Sex with my wife is not fun.
I think she has a negative view of sex as something dirty,
and tends to be controlling about it.
It’s just not fun - it makes it all feel dirty and apprehensive.

The thought of an open relationship - I should bring that up.
If nothing else - for shock value.

If there was sex - good sex - in my marriage - no, I would not look elsewhere.

Sometimes I wonder about just ending it.
We have a great home - but no children,
so really it;s not that complicated - just finances.

I just DON'T understand how a woman could treat a man this way.
It just seems DUMB - “ I’m not giving my husband any sex,
and I fully expect my marriage to last forever and become stronger ! “

WHAT ???

[Joy]

Ok so 8 years ago did she think you cheated on her so no sex..... ever again. Did you break her heart?

ok it sounds really ridgid so sorry you are going thru this. I don't know how to fix your problems but no one should have to live in a sexless marriage. There has to be compormise.

That is what breaks so many couple s no comprimise its about both people.

You have probably cheated to have a reason to justify leaving. Unless there is a melting of hearts and a reconnection.

If there was something that i totally negelected in my BF's phyche of emotions that would be crushing for him as it would be for me too.

It sounds like you have already made the choice but haven't been honest withyour self yet about your decision.

Can you pour your heart out to us like you do your wife? You have a lot of emotional hurt from the lack of a loving touch.

[blondie80]

Ok next lot of questions, do you know if she had ever been abused or braught up in a very strict sort of lifestyle where it was thought of that sex was dirty and unmentionable? These things will always be a very strong factor in how a woman see's sex. If she has had her trust taken by someone it will be very hard to give it back to anyone in the bedroom and if she has been braught up like it then she would know no difference.
Sounds to me like the marraige was over years ago, a marraige is a team effort if one person cant meet or wont try to help the other then its pretty selfish, even if she has past problems and you knew and understood you would be more able to help her get help and be more patient towards her.
Women need to feel loved wanted and to a degree not harassed to want to have sex and if she always has the feeling that sex is dirty and feels bad for doing it she will never be able to enjoy it and neither would you.
It sounds like you are very resentful towards your wife for holding these things back from you and if you feel like talking and counselling are not going to work then whats the point in staying in a loveless relationship we all love our friends but at the same time we dont expect our friends to only be with us and not have sex, I think at this point you are probably being unfair to everyone if you stay.

[panasonic]

I'd say what is keeping us together is
a quarter millon dollar investment called a house.

It's not love - it's not sex.

it's shelter and comfort.
and a friendly co-existance.

- sound bad ?

[blondie80]

Then its obviously not what you want or need, all the money in the world wont make you happy or keep your feelings the same if you have been continously rejected, it wont stop the resentment that builds the crashes of your self esteem when you feel like your not good enough for someone or feel like someones holding you back.
I think even in secret you have moved on with your life and now wondering if things are worth holding on to, a friendly co-existance and shelter and comfort are only a few things that keeps a relationship happy and lasting.
After being with one person for so long it often comes back to better the devil you know its safe its reliable its persistant but if its not making you happy, then why live a life like that out of guilt and shame, you did cheat and do something wrong, but at the same time it wasnt what caused the marraige to break down, it was broken for a while by then.
If you tell your wife you free yourself to feel loved and needed and wanted again without feeling guilty, it may sound bad but obviously you are not happy you only live once and sometimes you have to do what is right for you.