[Hopeless Dork]

What I meant with the cake and eat it and eat and it, meant not only sex. You are getting the house, the nice wife and the cute katiehomes bob cut kisses from a woman that only has to put up with you here and there...

I don't think anyone in a marriage should go as long as you have without sex. Me and my boyfriend went 2 weeks without it and I started having self esteem issues I do understand your point. But I talked to him about it, I worked on it.. before it turned into 4 weeks and so on.

Assuming you have talked to your wife about it, what is she saying? Has she had a 7 year headache? or is she just saying absolutely no sex. Have you asked her what you should do since you want sex? Has she given you a response to that?

The act of betrayal in going and being with someone else is not nullified by the fact she wont put out. What if she were in an accident, ill, etc.. granted many people feel that is a justification too. Who knows. People are animals I guess. I am sorry if I came off harsh. I just always get so dissapointed at the human race sometimes, and our ability to lie and deceive and be so cruel in the name of the self satisfaction.

[Sista]

I suggest you look into a religion that allows polygamous marriages hence you can keep your first wife and give her shelter and give the same to the second but she will also give you what you want, otherwise you will be against your first wife.

[Hopeless Dork]

I was thinking the same thing. If your wife isn't meeting the needs you have fullfill a meaningful life, why not tell her so FIRST... before cheating on her. Tell her that you can't live this way and give her the opportunity to try to get help for her issues or to let you go, or to allow you to cheat with her blessing. But to do the latter with the implied blessing of the fact she isn't giving you sex isn't at all what marriage or relationships should be.

And you know it isn't which is why you wont tell her. I love how people say, why should I tell ... no good can come of it and it would only hurt and destroy my relationship.. uh duh. That was done with the act, not the telling, now on top of the act is the deception and leading a double life.

People say, why should I tell, they will leave me...isn't that the thought that should have occured at the point when deciding to have an affair.. if I do this, I may be ending my marriage. Hey if its worth the gamble by all means roll the dice. But to do it, knowing what is risked then decide not to be forthcoming for the other persons 'protection' isn't the case. Its called C.Y.A.

[WildChild]

Well this topic has touched some nerves. I've dealt different sides of this, cheating men, and a sexless marriage (I'm a very horny woman). I can understand the frustration. None of us knows what your situation really is, what lead to it or why it has continued. I'm just going to make a few observations based on my own experiences, I don't intend to imply that they apply to you but perhaps would give some food for thought.

My experience has been that the worse a lover a man is the more likely he seems to be to cheat. That's not universal but seems to be more often than not. Why I don't know. I've shut down sexually more than once, in every case it has been because I have felt unloved, uncared for or about and the sex has been unsatisfying and essentially totally focused on the man. In other words all he was interested in was getting himself off. I'm a very responsive woman, I love sex and I'm multi orgasmic but like a flowering plant, if I'm not treated right, neglected and misused, I quit blooming. Who's at fault in those cases? Both. Why did I stick around as long as I did? Kept hoping there was some way to work it out - there wasn't and I should have gotten out sooner.

What does a sexless relationship do to you? It can destroy you or a part of you, it warps. Some people don't care. I have female freinds who frankly hate sex. I can't even pretend to understand it, I can understand disliking sex with a particular person but not just in general. If that is where they are fine, but they have no business being with someone who wants it.

As to the OPs behavior, I can understand it, to a point. But very simply you need to either make a focused, concentrated effort to save the marriage as a workable situation for both of you or you need to get out. You can't work on the marriage while having an affair. I can't help but wonder about the quality of this woman you've hooked up with if she willing to get involved knowing you are married. Really you haven't got a marriage, you're roommates with combined finances. The value of the house and the size of your tool are total side issues, if the house is enough to keep you in a sexless marriage then you don't care that much about the sex or either of your emotional needs. If you really, really wanted it, you'd be willing to walk away from all of it and start over. So, what do you want? Absolute blunt truth as I see it, you should walk away and give both of you a chance at happiness with someone else. Who knows if freed she may blossom into a very juicy woman or she could at least find someone who has a similarly low libido. There are plenty of women on here who can attest to there being quite a few men with low to zero interest.

[Haven]

If your wife isn't meeting the needs you have fullfill a meaningful life, why not tell her so FIRST... before cheating on her.

That's good advice, but he can't use it because this has already happened.

One of the things he'll learn during the reconciliation is whether or not he can actually reconcile with his wife. You might find it appalling, but this guy is in a win/win situation: he can either rekindle the love he had for his wife or, if that proves impossible, he can go for the cute, passionate woman he has on the back burner.

And you know it isn't which is why you wont tell her. I love how people say, why should I tell ... no good can come of it and it would only hurt and destroy my relationship.. uh duh. That was done with the act, not the telling, now on top of the act is the deception and leading a double life.

If it was the act that destroyed the relationship then his relationship would be destroyed whether he told her or not. But that's not how it works. If he can redirect the passion this affair has unleashed into a successful reconciliation with his wife, she'll join the many women happy that their husband has put the spice back in the marriage. The dice have been thrown, but it's not impossible for both of them to come out ahead because of this.

But to do it, knowing what is risked then decide not to be forthcoming for the other persons 'protection' isn't the case. Its called C.Y.A.

There's more to it than that. You don't tell the people you care about things you know will hurt them. Even if he had his wife's blessing to cheat, giving her the play-by-play would be hurtful and tactless.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It seems that there was some passion in the beginning, based on your reply, that you feel that you can get back.

1994 until now, 15 years but you state 7 years in a loveless marriage.

You can read my blog if you like, I also had "7 years in a loveless / sexless marriage", to the point of him saying "when your nice, I'll kiss you", which never happened, but damd if he had what he would have received which is now reserved for someone else..

I get the lonliness.

I get the horniness.

I get the wanting to be loved.

I get the "nice house" I lived near the sea, and we renovated it...

But, you already let the Devil get you.. The "passion you spoke of" in your last post, for this woman, is evident and I wonder if you were able to get your wife in bed again, whom she would look like? Or, if it still wasn't where you wanted it to be, whether you would be back on the net?

There are two people in this relationship, you and her.

Think carefully as I said, it's great if you want to try but you "wanted" to try, it's my understanding that 7 years, (having experienced it) is a long, long, time to forgoe such intimacy and love and respect and attention, a long time.

How long do you think it would take if you could turn it around?

How hard have you tried over that 7 years? Like me? All the time to the point where it just couldn't, didn't happen and so walk?

It may be really what you need to do...

The word "love" comes to mind.

The lust has been had, it make you feel like a man again, wanted, needed, but do you LOVE that lady?

Your wife you get along with but there's no intimacy because for what ever reason she no longer sees you that way, but there is a "friendship love" between the pair of you 15 years together can do that, so will it go back to 15 years ago, it could but ONLY if you LOVE her and her you, and really regret what you did and feel sick in the stomach for it.

It's not a case, of well that's not what I want either, so therefore, I'll try this....

As, I said, you have to really think because there are two of you here, and one is going to get hurt regardless.

That's life.

CW

[Haven]

Somebody does have to get hurt, but there are three people involved: you, your wife, and the other woman.

You successfully reconcile with your wife, the other woman gets hurt
You leave your wife for the other woman, your wife gets hurt
You stay with your wife in a sexless marriage, you and the other woman get hurt

There are more scenarios than this, like the hurt mistress telling your wife and all three of you getting hurt, but these are probably the best you can reasonably hope for.

[Haven]

Oh - meant to add that you also get hurt if you leave your wife for the other woman, because your wife's not going to take that one sitting down.

[blondie80]

I got angry at this because all i heard was how your wife wasn't putting out, did not hear any blame from you but all towards your wife, no sex for the person that wants it builds tension builds lonliness and builds a low self esteem or just a block out to a degree, i have shut down a couple of times myself but only after i have felt rejected.
I know what its like to not have sex in a relationship, I know what its like to be cheated on, if you do decide to take your wife back and try and try your hardest whats to stop the woman that you have stopped seeing telling your wife anyway when you break her heart??
You have a no win situation here and if she is the sort of person that will sleep with a married man and expect things to turn out ok and when they dont she could very well turn vindictive, you cheated both of them in return not just your wife but the other woman as well.
You have to decide what you want and to be honest when your wife takes a while to respond or she falls again in this situation are you going to go back to the other woman, these are all things you need to consider as well, you would hurt your wife by telling her, she may leave but at the same time what happens when you build your life again and come closer and six or twelve months down the track she finds out you have done it? You will completely break her heart, this for a woman would be alot more painful and maybe from other views you should think about things have a habbit of coming back and biting someone on the butt, this would be a really bad one to happen but ive seen it on more than one occasion.
I have seen a sexless marraige before where it was the woman cheating, the husband found out, mind you they are still together but still not having sex humans work in odd ways i guess.

[panasonic]

YOU ....... Miss,

are a very wise woman.



---

Well this topic has touched some nerves. I've dealt different sides of this, cheating men, and a sexless marriage (I'm a very horny woman). I can understand the frustration. None of us knows what your situation really is, what lead to it or why it has continued. I'm just going to make a few observations based on my own experiences, I don't intend to imply that they apply to you but perhaps would give some food for thought.

My experience has been that the worse a lover a man is the more likely he seems to be to cheat. That's not universal but seems to be more often than not. Why I don't know. I've shut down sexually more than once, in every case it has been because I have felt unloved, uncared for or about and the sex has been unsatisfying and essentially totally focused on the man. In other words all he was interested in was getting himself off. I'm a very responsive woman, I love sex and I'm multi orgasmic but like a flowering plant, if I'm not treated right, neglected and misused, I quit blooming. Who's at fault in those cases? Both. Why did I stick around as long as I did? Kept hoping there was some way to work it out - there wasn't and I should have gotten out sooner.

What does a sexless relationship do to you? It can destroy you or a part of you, it warps. Some people don't care. I have female freinds who frankly hate sex. I can't even pretend to understand it, I can understand disliking sex with a particular person but not just in general. If that is where they are fine, but they have no business being with someone who wants it.

As to the OPs behavior, I can understand it, to a point. But very simply you need to either make a focused, concentrated effort to save the marriage as a workable situation for both of you or you need to get out. You can't work on the marriage while having an affair. I can't help but wonder about the quality of this woman you've hooked up with if she willing to get involved knowing you are married. Really you haven't got a marriage, you're roommates with combined finances. The value of the house and the size of your tool are total side issues, if the house is enough to keep you in a sexless marriage then you don't care that much about the sex or either of your emotional needs. If you really, really wanted it, you'd be willing to walk away from all of it and start over. So, what do you want? Absolute blunt truth as I see it, you should walk away and give both of you a chance at happiness with someone else. Who knows if freed she may blossom into a very juicy woman or she could at least find someone who has a similarly low libido. There are plenty of women on here who can attest to there being quite a few men with low to zero interest.