[Joy]

well i just can't put a dollar figure on my happiness so that wouldn't keep me... that is a business relationship not a marriage. But all marriages are different those exact one exsist all around. so who am I to say anything. I understand where you are coming from 100 %.

I know a couple that lives like this and no one knows not even her family. They are such good friends but they do have a child that they both adore. She has never confided the actual details of it all so I don't know how and where they find their pleasure but I do know they have so much respect for one another cause they have so much for themselves.

[Hopeless Dork]

with the exception of telling my wife what I’ve done.

Sorry - unless I end my marriage - I just don't see how that
serves any purpose and could only be destructive.

This attitude of I don't see the good it can do (FOR ME) irks me to no end. Why is it your call to make whether or not it would serve a purpose for her to know? Why oh why when someone in a relationship is unhappy to the point of considering cheating.. can't they just come out and say that to their significant other: look its getting to the point I am considering being with someone else, how do you feel about that? Let them decide if they want to shape up, ship out or share you.

But NOOOO... the cheater (for whatever reason) always decides to make the decision for their 'loved one' and assume it would be okay (as long as they don't know of course) that they are allowed this one (or ongoing) indulgence because of x or y or z and its her fault anyway, right?

Her disinterest in sex for as long as she's had it should be a red flag that she is unhappy about something too, even if its something from her past or just inherhant hang up's about sex. If you guys are buddy buddy in all other areas, why not bring up the fact of hey... i am sexual, you are Asexual... what should I do? I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life masturbating, can we try counseling?

I don't see why you couldn't have included her each step of the way that finally led you to break your vows. And worse than that, you are wanting your cake and eat it, and spit it up and eat it again and again.

You want to figure out a way to make things work with her, NOW, after already falling in love with someone else. Well , whats done is done. I still think its cruel that you don't want to tell her - because *gasp* she might leave you ---- well.. shouldn't that really be up to her to decide? Right now she is with a man she loves, but she doesn't know that man, not the one you are now.

[rcoreyus]

OK, your situation is in some ways similar to mine, and in some ways very different. My wife rarely wants to sleep with me (1/month), and while I haven't cheated, I've been tempted on many occasions. I don't blame you for what you did - I don't know what I would do if a woman I liked and was attracted to kissed me. I'd like to think I'd politely decline, but I don't know if I could.

Are you good to your wife in all sorts of little ways? Hugs, love notes, flowers? Do you do your share around the house? Do you usually have a decent job? When you do (or did) have sex, do you try to please her?

I'm guessing the answer to the above is all yes. The hard one: do you love her? Do you think you make her happy? If yes to both, then you need to stay. If no to either, then in my book you are morally free to leave.

I wish the world allowed us to be married to one person, and to have sex with another: I love my wife - I really do, but I resent the extremely limited sex life I have (and will have). Unfortunately our society doesn't let us separate love and sex.

I don't think there is any reason to tell your wife about the fling. (after all it sounds like she isn't going to get a STD from you). But - I don't think you can carry on an affair. You need to choose.

A few things you said concern me: worries about the $250K house. The size of you manhood (not important here). You met a woman on a dating site - the sex may not have been premeditated, but meeting her was. Maybe you and she have different ideas of what is important.

Don't worry about the house - money has NOTHING do to with happiness - that is why I am: Richard Cory

[rcoreyus]

One of them may be utterly miserable.

I know a couple that lives like this and no one knows not even her family. They are such good friends but they do have a child that they both adore. She has never confided the actual details of it all so I don't know how and where they find their pleasure but I do know they have so much respect for one another cause they have so much for themselves.

[panasonic]

Richard Cory !

Yes - I suppose I am too...

Hey - Thank You for your post.
It’s nice to get some perspective from a male point of view
as well as a female - and from a person who shares a similar situation.

Interesting - I play guitar and know many Simon and Garfunkel tunes,
and I’ve never heard of that one - just U-Tubed it ... that was great seeing those two back in 60’s ... great song and analogy.

You’ve made many GOOD points ...

I agree - I have to make a decision about what I’m going to do,
and what I AM doing ...
It’s a situation that knaws at my brain constantly and is not a
peaceful way to live ...

The “ meeting “ the other woman was - yes - premeditated.
Obviously yes - one has to join an on-line dating site in order to meet someone, so that act alone makes this NOT a “ it just happened “ sort of thing. - but, my situation has been such that it is for a long time, and,
I’ve been on the site for a long time - looking, but never touching so to speak - never actually meeting someone, always respecting my marriage
and just dealing with my lack of intimacy in my own way - through the fantasy of being with another woman, and taking maters in my own hand ... if ya catch my drift - I’m sure you do.

However - you situation - intimacy once a month ...
My god - that’s only four weeks !!
You’re HAVING sex - and only dealing with going without
for a short four weeks ...
If I had that - I would NOT have looked on the other side of the fence.

Now picture walking through the desert for years ...
and although you should morally not be looking ...
you come upon an oasis - a woman so beautiful,
a smile that renders you helpless to look away, a body slim and sexy,
beautiful breasts, a sexy little kaitie holms bob cut, - who you kiss
so passionately that you draw the very air from each others lungs ...

That’s what happened - I am without water - I looked - unfortunately, I found - and drank from the oasis with a thirst that has built for YEARS !!!

I’m NOT trying to justify my actions - but ladies - expecting a man to go this long without sex and just accept it is unreasonable - the desire to be sexual is A BASIC HUMAN NATURAL CONDITION ! - hence dating sites - hence THIS site - as we’re all tuned-in to this topic of discussion, yes ?

So - I should have accepted my life as it were,
continue to lead a life of masturbation - until I need viagra
just to do that ! - eventually loose interest entirely, and one
day lay on my death bed thinking back ... “ ahhh sex, I remember sex,
back when I was 37 ... that was the last time I had that ... ahhh ... good times, good times “ .... wow - can you imagine that ??? I’m not doing that, regardless of morals or vows - vows are a two way street - and consciously denying a man of life's most basic pleasure is almost as bad as seeking it elsewhere.

Once a month? - you’ve got it good moo-cha-cho !

I’d rather have my wife - my life - and something at least close to a
sex life that could be considered normal...

I have to deal with this - and to one who commented here that I’m having my cake and eating it too - my plate is empty sweet pea, and has been for years ! It has been the source of anxiety, depression, and anger, and a shut down of more than intimacy - denying a partner intimacy manifests itself in other ways - the intellectual closeness also starts to diminish, the basic friendship that was the foundation of the relationship in the first place starts to diminish .... BUT - I do have to deal with this.
I’m NOT going to tell her what I’ve done - that only serves to relive my guilt and can only cause pain and anger.
I’m sure she already wonders if I’ve ever or sought or seek sex outside of the marriage .... well there’s a simple solution for that - give your husband sex “ inside “ the marriage !


______________

[blondie80]

Am I reading this correctly you assume that you were denied just for the sake of being denied because she wanted to control you and that is something that all married women do??
Im sorry but i think you should read a few other posts around here, you will soon find that this problem doesn't only have an affect on men but women too. ALOT of women wish to have more sex with their husbands and dont get it when things go really bad they get counselling, they try to get help and if the marraige was worth saving in the first place you would of exhausted every measure before you gave up completely.
If you made your wife feel special and loved and open she may very well of offered it on a silver platter, women NEED to feel loved to feel adored to feel special. Your special "friend" is getting that now because you have missed out for so long at the end of the day when you dont have time for her one day and you dont make up for it or you dont treat her the way she needs to be treated to be open with you and loving are you going to do the same thing over again or are you going to realise this is a problem?
You are being very arrogant and ignorant to everyone in saying such things were here to offer help and advise there is generally reasons that women dont want sex its usually because they dont feel wanted or have been made feel bad for not wanting sex once or twice and it starts the cycle, granted some people have lower sex drives but really your wife is not the only one to blame here open your eyes let go of your ego and look at what you have played into this as well!!!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'd say what is keeping us together is
a quarter millon dollar investment called a house.

Re-read my post to you, that is what i stated and that IS ALL that your concerned about, " you stated it" right above, bold and ready......
[quote]

I’m NOT going to tell her what I’ve done - that only serves to relive my guilt and can only cause pain and anger.

Or read above to what you wrote.....................

I’m sure she already wonders if I’ve ever or sought or seek sex outside of the marriage .... well there’s a simple solution for that - give your husband sex “ inside “ the marriage !

Why do you think that? The underlined bit, sure your angry as to what she does, doesn't do, but why does she feel that?


You say for a start your 7 and a half inches long do you not? Have you ever considered it hurts her? It's a bit bit for her? It is not wicked rather pain?

Have you stated in this thread that you have discussed those issues, and why? Or have you "vented" only , based on your interpretation of the entire events? Lets be honest here as we have "one side an done side only"....


Just trying to get the whole picture here, yours and hers... So:-

Have you stated what you do to make your marriage work? Happy? What you contribute, how you make her laugh, the help you do around the house, the dinners you cook as well, when you take her out and make her feel wanted, special, that little $2 card that you present to her saying I love you? Help us out so we can understand this side.

I’ve been on the site for a long time - looking, but never touching so to speak - never actually meeting someone, always respecting my marriage
and just dealing with my lack of intimacy in my own way

Is this a fact or fiction? Only in as much from what we see, and you spoke okay, you did touch, you kissed, you did it again and again, the previous women you stated weren't your "style" she was, and eventually you had sexual intercourse with her.... tell us where that's respecting your marriage? You've already stated that you WILL NEVER TELL YOUR WIFE, YOUR HOUSE IS HALF A MILLION can you see where your speaking but not seeing?

Simply put, you will lose it, or part, or half...

Simply put, is this other lady all you wanted in life? Everything?

Have you made a mistake that alot make, married the wrong partner, not sexual like you but found someone else?

What is more important finances, equity, wealth or sex/lust/love that is real?


Ask yourself this.........

Now picture walking through the desert for years ...
and although you should morally not be looking ...
you come upon an oasis - a woman so beautiful,
a smile that renders you helpless to look away, a body slim and sexy,
beautiful breasts, a sexy little kaitie holms bob cut, - who you kiss
so passionately that you draw the very air from each others lungs

Are you now fantisizing? breasts? bob cut? what does that have to do with a kiss?

So was your wife not even the right breast size, hair do? see my point?

K, you need to really take a walk a break and think and then reply...

The above poster picked up other things but I am not going to touch on those, and others thought the same, or agreed with half of this....

I think, your happy as i said from the first post to your thread, with this woman, not with your wife, don't want to lose what you financially invested is, ****ed that she wasn't all and now you will lose, don't want to and are :telling: us, it's her fault you strayed and therefore you deserve to have sex with someone else and be happy whilst married and play on dating games, date, because it's her fault, not that you cheated ( not that didnt' get answered) and that somehow in a court of law it's ok and in addition you would never tell her cause it would cause anger, but babe, it would cause huge pain, not to you, but to her and yeah your house is gone.

You can't have your "cake and eat it" did i say that or someone else? regardless you can't... you meantioned this i believe.

Move on, lose, enjoy your new life, let her find someone that won't cheat and get out there and make your money and life all over again...

You made a mistake, picked the wrong partner to what you actually wanted possibly, because you state, you are only there because of the half million home, and you mention that lifestyle that you "love" in your initial thread as well....



CW

[panasonic]

I agree with everything you're saying.

I need to make a serious effort to show
my wife love and affection - and try to bring intimacy back
into my marriage - stop my “ other “ behaviour, and seriously
try to rekindle what brought us together in the first place.

I am going to do that.

If my comments seemed arrogant - I apologise,
a sexless marriage is very frustrating.

Unless you’re in one - it’s hard to put yourself in the other persons shoes.
Even to be single and sexless by no means puts one in a position to understand or cast judgement - as you have the freedom to do what ever is best for you.

I do not.

I do admit that my decisions and behaviour are wrong.
I’m going to take your advice and try to correct
what is wrong in my marriage.

Thank You.

[Haven]

I am a guy and I agree with not telling her. It'd just be hurtful and it'd completely spoil your reconciliation efforts. You could present her with the whole truth and let her decide for herself what she wants to do, but what will that accomplish? If she stays with you, she can't trust you. If she leaves you, she leaves a man she used to be happy with. Those things are guaranteed. Her being better off for you dumping that emotional burden onto her is not. By not telling her, you're saving both of you a lot of stress, a lot of disgrace, a lot of time, and a lot of money, and there's no guarantee that either of you would come out happier or healthier for the experience.

I hope your reconciliation goes well. You should consider going to a sex therapist with your wife - I guarantee that after a few sessions she'll say something mindblowing that'll make you wish you went sooner.

[panasonic]

Thank you - I greatly appreciate your point of view.

The ONLY thing that would come of telling her
is a life of her not trusting me ...

Other than this slip - I’m a very down to earth moral person.
I just need the intimacy back in my marriage, and want it back.

I need to fix my marriage - not break it more ....

Thank You again.

Cheers .