[WildChild]

The reason several of us have advised you to back off men for a while and work on your self is that many of us (women) have a real problem with separating our needs from their's. We (you) tend to get wrapped up in what they are doing, thinking, want and don't even really see what it is that we should be doing or what we want/need. You need to be fully employed - what are you doing about that? You want to get your education, where is that going? Are you really going to be able to focus on education and supporting yourself while living in a place with a man who raped you and with the relative of another man who also raped you? I don't think so.

You need to spend some time with yourself, working on you getting what you want for you. You don't seem to be able to that with a man around, you spend your time on an emotional rollercoaster, up and down on a daily or even hourly basis. You need to get off the ride, out of the theme park and on with your life, it will enable you to develop stronger inner resources and a better support system for you. You've stated before that you have trouble having women freinds - you can do it, you've done it here. Now you need to work on it in your "real" life. Get focused on getting yourself where you want to be, deal with the men later. When you have a more established life, self supporting and doing things you want and enjoy you will meet a better quality of men.

[caterpillar79]

Heed this advice!

The reason several of us have advised you to back off men for a while and work on your self is that many of us (women) have a real problem with separating our needs from their's. We (you) tend to get wrapped up in what they are doing, thinking, want and don't even really see what it is that we should be doing or what we want/need. You need to be fully employed - what are you doing about that? You want to get your education, where is that going? Are you really going to be able to focus on education and supporting yourself while living in a place with a man who raped you and with the relative of another man who also raped you? I don't think so.

You need to spend some time with yourself, working on you getting what you want for you. You don't seem to be able to that with a man around, you spend your time on an emotional rollercoaster, up and down on a daily or even hourly basis. You need to get off the ride, out of the theme park and on with your life, it will enable you to develop stronger inner resources and a better support system for you. You've stated before that you have trouble having women freinds - you can do it, you've done it here. Now you need to work on it in your "real" life. Get focused on getting yourself where you want to be, deal with the men later. When you have a more established life, self supporting and doing things you want and enjoy you will meet a better quality of men.

WC, you've hit it - bull's eye! Linds, this is true. We attract the man that "we are". Unless we improve our ways, ourselves, we are stuck.

I also need these strong words to help me sort through my issues...with or without him, I shall go on.

[ThexMrs]

I know that I need to work on myself. I don't deny that at all. I'm not going to "sacrifice" something that I want, something that could potentially be great because I need help and need to work on myself. Not going to happen. Sorry...

Maybe I shouldn't be replying right now. I'm ****ed off. I'll try to keep my head focused and on not take it out on anyone. It's none of you girls... Fuuuuuu!

I'm not working right now. I've moved twice this month and there was going to be a third but I decided to stay where I am (with the rapist) for several months. I need somewhere stable and this is that place. At least for six months.

My financial aid is filled out and I am awaiting a response.

......................................... Whatever.

[Guest]

(i'm gonna be honest and give you some tough love here....)

NO ONE can tell you WHAT to do. its YOUR life and its YOUR choice.

Everyone is just trying to help in the best way we can. EVERYTHING comes down to YOU.

How long did you want to continue suffering from all these things that are bothering you?

NO ONE can pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.IF you are content where you are then that's good for you...If you want to stop cutting yourself, loose people you love,then the best way is to get help.

You want to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and say "i am beautiful, loving and successful" then...stop the self destruction mentality.

You can't focus on YOURSELF if you constantly have this need to appease the person you're in a relationship with. Sure, you don't want an opportunity to be in a loving relationship...however, you DID make the first mistake in the one you are in now...(you know what i mean) so... how much do YOU care about the other person? Do you just care about them because of the joy they give YOU? IF that is the case...then you shouldn't be in one.

I am sorry to have to be harsh about this but I want to open your eyes and see that you can't make people happy and be in a loving successful relationship unless you focus on YOURSELF. Be in the relationship if you want to ...as long as you're getting help in the process.

School and a Job will only distract you from what the underlying problem is. It's about time you face your problems head on. It is possible to have a relationship while in therapy...(hence me) its F$$%# tough. But I have faith that one day I can be happy with WHO I AM and therefore have the positive energy that will ATTRACT positive and caring people.

EVERYONE has problems. It's whether they will let themselves sink or swim that determines if they can be happy with themselves at the the end of the day.

Just have FAITH ... sweetie.

xoxo

[ThexMrs]

New Development

Yesterday was one of my girlfriend's birthday. (Well, she's a friend through another friend just like all of the girls I know) I wasn't going to go out but I decided at the last minute to just get ready and go. I hadn't seen a lot of the girls in a while.

Bryan and I picked up Ryan... Yes, Ryan and went over to Kasey's. We picked up some mixers for the Vodka. We had a 1/5th and a 1/2 gallon of Vodka. Well, we all started making drinks when we got there. The rest of the group showed up a little later. After a while we went to the bar to meet up for the party.

I was walking in to the bar (already drunk) and met this guy named Michael and his friend Josh. (Guys that everyone else already knew) I just said hi and that was it. I went to the bar, some guy bought me a jello shot and then I ordered a Vodka 7 Up and went and sat with the group. Well I ended up sitting next to Michael. We hit it off pretty well.

I went to the bathroom a little bit later (after Michael had been buying me drinks all night) and saw him coming out of the men's and we just started kissing and then walked away from each other. Totally weird.

Yes, I'm sure you see where this is going.

We hung out all night and so did Josh and I. Very cool guys. Well a fight broke out and we had to leave so Josh took us to another bar. I couldn't even walk in my heels. At this point it's just Michael, Josh, Kasey and I.

That's all great... Had an awesome time but apparently Michael and I were screaming at each other the whole way back to Kasey's house. This I do not remember at all.

We get home and everyone else was already in bed so Josh and Kasey went and got in bed and left me and Michael up. I see him sitting on the stairs so I start to go up them and I told him I was going to go to bed. Well he pulls me into his lap and starts rubbing on me. I was like, you're not getting any sweetheart and started CRAWLING up the stairs. I couldn't even walk. I go into the room and he follows me. I lay down and he turns off the light and lays down on top of me. I let him... I wanted it to be honest.

We had crazy drunk sex... Best sex I've ever had. Still no big O though. *sad* The only thing is that he was really rough with me. Today I was bleeding some and I am in pain but it's not that bad. Bad enough that I can tell.

We finish and he leaves. Oh well... I go and get on the couch with Ryan and cuddle with him.

Here is the issue... Well, one of them.

1) We didn't use protection. He blew his load inside of me. I'm not on B/C.

2) Jared told me last night before I went out (he called) that he is working towards marrying me and he wants a life-long committment. He also said, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

WTF... I'm a moron.

So today I had to call around and find a place to get Plan B. I finally found one. It was $30.00. Whatever, that's better than being pregnant. Well, Josh came over today and he was talking to me about what happened last night. He said, I don't think you have anything to worry about. He's been cut. I was like, WHAT? He said, he didn't tell you? I said, no..... So I wasted money that I actually had to borrow from my mother who was hurt about the whole situation. Hurt, maybe that's the wrong word. Disappointed and angry is more like it. Oh well, better safe than sorry.

I have to stop drinking.
I have to stop acting out.
I have to start behaving now before it's too late.

Something bad WILL happen to me. I have no doubt about that.

[WildChild]

[COLOR="Magenta"]

I have to stop drinking.
I have to stop acting out.
I have to start behaving now before it's too late.

COLOR]

Yes you do, all of it.

Also unprotected sex, you need to get tested for STIs and no sex with anyone until you get a clean bill of health.

Linds you are being self destructive. How long do you think you can keep doing this before you get "caught"? That will be the end of the relationship with Jared. Everytime you do something like this you are demeaning yourself to yourself. You have got to learn to say no and mean it. It isn't just a matter of you wanted it- you were drunk, that isn't the time to make a choice. Sex should be a choice, not a default.

With as jealous as you get, you should be able to understand why this is a bad idea. Can't you mentally turn the tables? How would you feel if a man you cared for acted this way? Sweetie you are hurting and this isn't going to make it go away. When you've been raped, it's easy to fall into the trap of not saying no, as long as you go along with it you don't get raped. But you are too intelligent not to realise that it isn't that simple. You know what you need to do. DO it.

[Guest]

Linds....

I want to ask you some questions.... and if you can answer them for me that would be great!.


1. Do you love yourself?

2. Do you care for Jared?

3. When is enough ENOUGH...?

If you can answer these in a yes or no..it would be cool.

As far as what you did.. NOT COOL! You need to make up your mind if you want to be with Jared. Because this is the second time honey. Are you just keeping him for back up? I know you said you feel he's not sharing his life with you. But do you honestly think that self destruction will allow him to open up? He's not stupid. And i know as you're not. You said that he wants to eventually "go the distance" (marriage) with you. HOW can you live happily with 2.3 kids and a dog with a house, IF you keep on this path?

IF you're not going to care for yourself at least care enough for the guy that IS caring about you. Word does spread. He'll eventually find out. At that point...what will you do?

[Hopeless Dork]

Alot of what you say linds reminds me of myself when I was a teenager. I had it bad. I would hook up with one guy, think his friend was hotter - leave with his friend , hook up with his friend.. and on and on. I'd meet a guy that really liked me and I didn't fall for it, I wanted to jump before they ever got the chance to hurt me. I slept with a lot, enjoyed the closeness but not the sex.

I was addicted to the adrenaline, and the attention. Having someone be so excited by me , be their everything for just a few minutes. It was satisfying in a superficial way. I drank all the time, got high all the time. I lived for the pleasures of the moment.

I didn't care about myself, couldn't care about anyone else. I'd hook up with friends boyfriends. I was bad, and I really didn't care. I was reckless and I don't know what I was wanting to happen. I had no direction.

Then I got pregnant, it was a casual relationship. I had a huge crush on the guy and we started dating occasionally. But there was no relationship, nothing before the pregnancy and nothing to build on.

It was the catalyst to me changing my life, in some ways for the worse, in some ways for the better. I went back to school, I got a job, I got focused and taking care of my child which I would (and still am doing) be raising on my own.

I didn't care about myself only my kid. I had zero social life. Zero. I didn't date, I gained weight, I closed off from the world emotionally other than to close family. While I was doing great as a mom, I was dying inside. I was so depressed I found no joy in anything. I found myself faking smiles at my kid's art, wondering where the true feelings in my heart had gone.

This went on for years. Til one day I decided to start choosing life, and living it.. this is the only one we have, I don't want to spend it this way. I got on anti depressents at first, changed my diet, began to exercise. Started getting my outsides as fit as I wanted my insides to be.

Everything started falling in place. I was happy again, the world - new and fresh. I was no longer the stupid, wild little girl, no longer the sullen and lonely adult. I was ME. I am me.

I didn't look for anyone to complete the package, the package was now complete. But in being happy with myself I managed to let someone sneak into my heart. Someone worthy of it. I am lucky.

I still struggle with self-hatred, I still struggle with insecurity and thats a process that will go on...

You need to find your self linds, before life finds you. It may end up giving you a fairytale or a horror story. Don't gamble on the fairytale, don't let anyone but you control your own destiny. Make it, for yourself, by yourself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Is it because sub-consciously, you both kissed outside the loos but you felt "he rejected you" and so it was conclusive that you were going to get your way before the end of the night end of story... Sub-consciously.. You had to win.

And, do you really think you can BLAME alcohol the next day? It was the alcohol so you don't have to feel guilty towards Jarred?

And, Ryan, yes Ryan, yet you recall going and finding him and cuddling him, wanting to turn what happened with him into "it's okay?"..

Every CHEATER gets caught.

Stop cheating and let each relationship take it's course. This guy COULD be all that you have ever searched for, if only he could break this barrier of self destruction that you are on.

Think clearly love... You are right, it's destiny when you play with fire you get burnt, you don't know these guys with whom you keep attaching yourself to for one night stands, you can't walk rather crawl away... Rape is horrible but DEATH is worse......

Sorry I am not trying to scare you, you already can see the posibility of one day, wrong place, wrong time, wrong person.

STOP DRINKING to excess, don't accept drinks EVER you don't know what may be put in them, sure it saves you money, money you don't have, but no guy buys a girl drinks unless he HOPES she gets drunk and he can wet his wistle and then walk.....

Great, you wake up with a hangover, sore and alone...

Was it worth it?

Is it worth it?

Seriously?

CW

[dontwantthistoend]

my boyfriend and i exchanged i love you on the first date. we had talked on the phone for hours a few days before, and done a lot of texting. basically we communicated via cell phone before we even met because i was out of town. he is a friend of my little brother's and my little brother was talking about me to him....so he added me on facebook....
anyway- we knew right away we cared for each other. we may have been a bit hasty to say it SO soon- but if the feelings are there- they are there. i certainly think that after four months you can say " i love you."