[CHANDLERS WISH]

she's 22..didn't u get an invite to the party..as a mod u should be on top of this

Your such a Dork...

Telling me she's 22, telling her, her profile says 21 and then establishing it says 22, yep I saw it, as a MOD...

So, hahahahaha. Um...

[GlitterAndStuds]

I know we've already gone back and forth a little bit about these guys so I won't repeat too much . It does clear things up a little more when you say that if Jared was willing to give you 100%, then you'd be good to go with him. At the same time though, if that did happen... we all know how in love with Marty you are. Would you really be able to just turn that off, especially if he's also your best friend and you continue talking to him?

Touching on Jared's issues though. While I do agree with what's been said about the fact that Marty is bothering him and that makes it really difficult to open up to you... you're supposed to be his girlfriend, his confidant. It sounds like he's been closing off even before he knew how you felt about Marty. I know it's harder for some people than others to talk about things like that. But I find it weird that he has no problem dropping off the face of the earth for weeks at a time without letting you know. And if I understand correctly, you haven't even seen where he lives in the past 7 months? And you didn't even know he had kids until 4 months in? That's a little sketchy to me. I am in no way bashing your boyfriend, haha. Maybe right now he doesn't have to tell you every little detail of his life... but when he comes to having kids and where he lives, those are not just little details.

[mr.mansview]

Maybe you should check again cause it says 22.

Marty calls himself a simpleton.

then it's obvious what kind of men u r attracted to..there are millions of us out there..surely 1 can fill your stringent requirements

[mr.mansview]

Quote:
Originally Posted by dr.mansview
she's 22..didn't u get an invite to the party..as a mod u should be on top of this

Your such a Dork...

flattery will get you everywhere

[Kallygirlie]

I completely believe you need to leave Jared alone. You've already said he's not 100% to you and it's not to accept the fact that this will most likely never happen. You keep saying "if only he would open up". This isn't him and you cant change him. Nothing is wrong with being reserved. Some guys open up over time and some don't. Either you love him and want him for who he is right now or you don't. As for Marty, how far away from you is he. You said he talks about visiting and he might move if he finds work. Long distance relationships really aren't hard to make work if you are committed, which it honestly sounds like you might have a small issue with commitment. You say you and Jared were Official but you went on a date with Travis. Sorry, going on dates isn't something I accept in my relationships.

Did you think telling Jared how you felt about Marty was going to be ok? Why dont you just punch him in the gut, might have felt better. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about this because the heart wants what it wants but you need to first understand why Jared pulled away. Jared just seems like the rebound guy. You love him but not in love with him. Would you be able to handle being single? Is Jared just a filler too until Marty comes back?

I dated a guy that lived 6 hrs away. My current bf was 2 hrs until I moved in with him. My bf dated a guy living 11 hrs away. Another one of my friend is in Afghanistan and surprisingly has saved his marriage while over seas. Distance is nothing. If you truely love someone you'd find a way. if you love Marty then make it work.

[WildChild]

Can I just add that when you say Marty is your best friend is a kind of a misuse of the word. You're in love with him, you can't be in love with two men at the same time, it's emotionally impossible.

It is possible to love more than one, many people do. Some of us love one and only one, some do love more. In our societies we are conditioned for a variety of reasons to limit ourselves to just one special person. Not everyone does and there are quite a few people who have worked out alternatives. The important and critical factor is that everyone involved must be in accord.

[Guest]

So correct me if I'm wrong, you were only officially together for about a month and a half? prior to that you were basically friends with benefits?

To me, I dont think you should hold him pulling away from you against him. think about it this way. For 7 months he's wanted to be with you. Weather or not he was seeing others in that time or not, so were you. So nonetheless you guys were I guess you could say messing around and having fun. Come August you decided you wanted to be more committed. THATS GREAT!!! One problem tho, you cant decide to be committed when your heart doesnt belong to you. You still haven't got that back from Marty. Then it doesn't sould like you were to worried about Jared not being around because you found 2 other guys to be with in that 6 week period. Jared had a right to be upset. He found out the girl he liked was still feeling things for her ex. men dont take that very well no matter how much they may act like it to your face.

If you like Jared then you need to be honest with him. Are you really in a place where you can keep a serious committed relationship, from your posts I would say you need to boycott guys for a while. Work on you and then maybe you will be able to find happiness. Bouncing from guy to guy is not healthy and not good for your own mental health

Perfect. Just perfect.

[Miya]

Distance is nothing. If you truely love someone you'd find a way.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. When I met my hubby I had gone back to Japan on holiday and he was there doing the same. We were "together" for about a year before we married and over that time he came back to the US and I was in Japan, Qatar, Spain, and Brasil, and the US and despite the difference we found a way to make time (even if only by computer or phone) to make it work. It can be done but it does require determination and work.

[ThexMrs]

Can I just add that when you say Marty is your best friend is a kind of a misuse of the word. You're in love with him, you can't be in love with two men at the same time, it's emotionally impossible.

That's incorrect. Marty and I were best friends before we started dating. Yes, I am in love with him but that doesn't change what we were FIRST.

I've never said that I was in love with both of them. I've said that I am in love with Marty but I love Jared and I do. I love him as a person but as for being in love, no.

but why did you get together with Jared in the first place when you were still in love with another man? Was it because you didn't want to be alone or you just liked him?

Jared and I also started out as just friends. When I met Jared he knew that I was dating Marty and that Marty and I were having problems but that I was in love with him. I used to talk to Jared a little bit about Marty. I started dating Jared and hanging out with him more after Marty and I broke up. Why? Because I did like him. It had nothing to do with being alone. I'm not sure if you read what I wrote but I said that there is a difference between being alone and being single. I'm perfectly fine not being in a relationship. Jared and I have a lot in common. We brought up in the same religion which is a big deal to both of us. We had similiar childhoods though mine was worse without a doubt. And yes, I was physically attracted to him.

This is what happened. I went out and did my stupid things after the break up with Marty. I quit talking to him altogether and was trying to deal with the pain alone. I got over Marty. He was dating someone else and so was I. Then him and I began to talk again because we were best friends first. We built up our friendship again, started talking more regularly and then BAM! Out of no where I was in love with him all over again. Maybe the feelings never fully disappeared but for the most part it was done and over with for me. I was ready for Jared. I got more serious with him. Then this is what happened. I was in love with Marty again.

Would you really be able to just turn that off, especially if he's also your best friend and you continue talking to him?

If Jared were to pull a 180 and fulfill my emotional needs I wouldn't spend so much time with Marty. I wouldn't let him call me everyday, twice a day. I would have to cut it down to maybe two phone calls a week and yes, I can do that. I've stopped talking to Marty before. I didn't talk to him for 9 days because I knew what was happening but then everything with Jared just fell apart and I wanted my best friend. I tell Marty everything and I've tried to have that with Jared but he's NEVER available. I have told Jared on many occasions that HE is supposed to be my best friend. I should be able to talk to him about anything and that I WANT him to be my best friend but nothing ever changes. When he was here Monday night he said, "I know I AM screwing everything up and I don't want to lose you." It's not just me.

It sounds like he's been closing off even before he knew how you felt about Marty. I know it's harder for some people than others to talk about things like that. But I find it weird that he has no problem dropping off the face of the earth for weeks at a time without letting you know. And if I understand correctly, you haven't even seen where he lives in the past 7 months? And you didn't even know he had kids until 4 months in?

He has. The little bit that he opened up to me on Monday shed some light on the situation. He told me that growing up they weren't allowed to discuss their feelings. That's the same with me but I changed. I know that's not healthy. He acknowledges that it's not the way that he should be and that it's costing us our relaitonship. I'm just waiting for him to show that he wants it to work by opening up. We had a conversation back in June about him not being open and he said that he would fix that and then again in late August when everything started going to cra* I tried to talk to him about it again and he said he would change but nothing ever happens. I don't know what to do.

That's right... I have yet to be to his home and yes it was four months into our relationship that I found out he had kids. Those are BIG deals that he should have been upfront about from the beginning.

As for Marty, how far away from you is he. You said he talks about visiting and he might move if he finds work. Long distance relationships really aren't hard to make work if you are committed, which it honestly sounds like you might have a small issue with commitment. You say you and Jared were Official but you went on a date with Travis. Sorry, going on dates isn't something I accept in my relationships.

Marty is 3,000 miles away.
I would never be in a LDR with him or anyone else again.

I don't have an issue with committment at all actually.

No, I had broken up with Jared via text because A) He never answers his phone B) I hadn't seen him in 6 weeks and C) I've never been to his place. When I went on the date with Travis that was after I had broken it off with him.

Did you think telling Jared how you felt about Marty was going to be ok?

Of course not but I wanted him to know whether it cost us our relationship or not. I think that even though it made things bad, it was the right thing to do. It wasn't easy for me. I was prepared for him to leave but he didn't, hasn't and won't. It's his choice but as I said. He can't think that he can do the bare minimum and make a relationship work.

Is Jared just a filler too until Marty comes back?

No. Jared is someone that I care about deeply and would love to make things work with but not how they are. If there is no emotional committment, what's the point? When I'm with Jared everything feels right but then he goes away and we barely speak to each other. That's NOT okay with me and I don't think that would be okay with any woman.

[GlitterAndStuds]

If Jared were to pull a 180 and fulfill my emotional needs I wouldn't spend so much time with Marty. I wouldn't let him call me everyday, twice a day. I would have to cut it down to maybe two phone calls a week and yes, I can do that. I've stopped talking to Marty before. I didn't talk to him for 9 days because I knew what was happening but then everything with Jared just fell apart and I wanted my best friend. I tell Marty everything and I've tried to have that with Jared but he's NEVER available. I have told Jared on many occasions that HE is supposed to be my best friend. I should be able to talk to him about anything and that I WANT him to be my best friend but nothing ever changes. When he was here Monday night he said, "I know I AM screwing everything up and I don't want to lose you." It's not just me.

That would definitely be the smart thing to do... although those things are always easier said than done. It's totally understandable that you need a best friend to talk to, especially when you're having boyfriend issues. Yeah, it's great to communicate those issues with your boyfriend too, but getting outside perspectives is always a good thing too. Which is why everyone here is here, haha.

I've actually been somewhat in Jared's shoes before when it came to opening up. I used to have a wicked hard time doing it, for reasons still unknown to me, mostly fear of pushing people away I guess. Then I got called out on it by someone I was dating a few years ago.. it didn't work out anyway but I fixed it so I wouldn't risk messing anything else up. It's hard to say what to do, since you've already talked to him about it a bunch of times and he's perfectly aware of how you feel. It sounds like you've done everything you can do in that sense. When and how to start letting you in more is ultimately up to him, unfortunately.

That's right... I have yet to be to his home and yes it was four months into our relationship that I found out he had kids. Those are BIG deals that he should have been upfront about from the beginning.

Yeah, that would bother me a lot, as it would anyone I'm sure. Not to put even more of a negative spin on it, but if my boyfriend waited months to tell me things like that, it would just make me wonder what else he hasn't told me about. Which of course ties into the whole lack of communication thing that he already has. Maybe to ease him into it you can ask him to at least let you know that he's going to disappear for a while, should it happen again. Even just something like texting you "I'm dealing with some personal stuff right now and need some time to myself. I don't feel like talking about it right now but I'll let you know when I'm feeling better" Yeah it would still suck either way, but at least you would know. Just throwing ideas out there.