[Ashlee T.]

Ladies (and Gents).....

If you date someone and decide to never marry, do you consider the time you've spent with that person a waste of time?

Since the onset of my current relationship, I've said numerous times " I don't know if I'll ever want to marry". It's up in the air for me. I know that if I do indeed ever marry, I would love to have children. But whether or not I'll ever be willing to give of myself enough to marry is the question.

Today, as I was telling my guy about my girlfriend who said she can't come spend an evening with me because her husband will get mad, I said "I'm reminded daily by things like this why I may never want to marry." He sort of laughs in response and says "Well THANKS!"... as if I had insulted him. Caught me a little off guard as I've said this to him before, and been open with me from day 1. Then he said he was just joking around, but I don't think so. He has always responded with "I don't know I'll ever want to get married either". So I thought we were on the same page. So today when this happened and I questioned him about it, he said "Well usually when one person decides they don't want to get married, it's over. I'm not saying that...I'm just saying it would be nice to know if we're wasting our time"

For those of you who read "He reveals a secret, a genetic disorder", you know all about my feelings and hesitations about that. This possible genetic disorder being something that would definitely affect our life together, our ability to have children, our finances, our life in general. He felt no need to share that with me until I basically forced it out of him. Yet he considers dating someone when you don't plan to marry, a waste of time? People would certainly consider it shallow to say that if he has this disease gene then he's a waste of time. Marriage is a goal a lot of people have, I understand that. But kids are a goal too, financial stability, traveling together etc........all of which would be totally sacrificed if he tested positive for the disease gene. So why is it fair for me to sacrifice my goals, but he can say dating someone when you don't plan to marry is a waste of time? Then am I wasting my time because I may not be able to have children with this man if he carries the gene? I'm rambling, but I hope you all see where I'm coming from.

And I shall go on to say that he and I have not discussed the genetic disorder thing since I last posted about it. He has not mentioned getting tested for it, not getting tested for it, nothing. (Just so you all know I haven't been harassing him about it. haha).

So.....is it all just a big waste of time? Don't sometimes people date and have strong companionships with people even though they both know they'll never marry?

[KMonte85]

I think it depends on the person, and what their values are and what their opinion towards the importance of marriage is!

My best friend and I do NOT see eye-to-eye on marriage. She thinks it is REQUIRED for a couple to get married if they are to ever stay together. I say, why is marriage a requirement? She is also more religious then I am and thinks it is wrong to live with someone without at least intending to make a marital bond with them. I think if I am happy and my guy is happy, then whats the big deal? Ironic point: Her husband is thinking about divorcing her. My boyfriend and I are (thus far) planning on spending the rest of our lives together.

I know a few happy couples that have been together for decades that never married, but are a couple, are happy where they are in the relationship, and are perfectly comfortable not being married. I know a few couples that are in a miserable marriage but can't get divorced because of how much it costs.

I guess there is of course the legal aspects of marriage that makes it beneficial - ie health insurance, life insurance, tax breaks, etc... but to stay purely with the emotional aspect of marriage and if it is worth staying together if you don't wish to marry, well... I don't believe that marriage has anything to do with how worthwhile a relationship is. That is determined by the people in the relationship and their commitment to each other (ring or no ring, marriage licence or no marriage licence)

[kygirl]

I feel like I used to date people that I knew I'd never marry, but honestly don't think I would at this phase in my life. I feel like if I am ever going to "settle down" it's going to be in the next 5 years, and I feel like if I want to marry and I am with someone who I know I never will, it might keep me from finding the person I do want to marry.

That being said, if you both know going in that there is no intent to marry, then I don't think it's a bad thing, but you have to be straightforward upfront on that. It's also important to mention to the other person I think if you change your mind and that never forever becomes a dealbreaker.

It isn't always a waste, but some people do view it that way... Good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't believe any relationship is a waste of time.

People come into our lives for a reason, we take from that relationship the good and the bad experiences.

The good, we remember.

The bad, we learn from and make sure we don't end up with that within our next relationship.

Isn't life in general all about learning? And, then not making the same mistake assumingly, a second time?

And, isn't it nice to have someone in your life?

I think people take relationships too seriously and always with a view of "marriage", fixated on that. And, a lot actually just "settle".. There really isn't alot of compatibility going on to start with, she slept with him, she's emotionally attached and therefore, she settles into that relationship, disliking so much about it and then questions in the end.

When in a relationship you purely go with it. Love it and all that's in it, or if not, you leave that relationship and go on to another one.

To me, you "know" that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, when you are in a relationship that simply clicks in every fashion, best friends, best lovers, and best communicators...

If that's not there, you don't consider it.. It should just "feel right" and so you do.

I was one whom "settled", I didn't marry until 37... Figured better give it a go haha. I did love my husband but in relatity there were warning signs I ignored before I did, and inevitably, it ended as a result 7 years later. I was engaged at 25, but realised that he wasn't "there" so I backed out.. I was also engaged at 18 but knew that person wasn't right for me.. I had probably 4 long term relationships and a few naughty in-betweens, I don't regret any of them.

But, now?

I would only have a commitment ceremony. That's sufficient for me.

And, I probably would keep the "dating" happening for years, that being living in our own houses but spending time over each other's places, respecting our own space, missing each other when not together, I think it will keep all the sparks alive, who knows after a few years whether I would then opt for the same house, but certainly not for some time...

Marriage / Divorce = $$$ and this scares the carp out of both parties, pending on who earns more...

The above ensures that you have longevity and fun in your relationship without that fear, until you are sure 100% that you are safe, he is safe, and you can't live without that person, nor do you ever want to...

That's my thoughts.

CW

[nubianqueen]

I don't believe any relationship is a waste of time.

People come into our lives for a reason, we take from that relationship the good and the bad experiences.

The good, we remember.

The bad, we learn from and make sure we don't end up with that within our next relationship.

Isn't life in general all about learning? And, then not making the same mistake assumingly, a second time?

And, isn't it nice to have someone in your life?

I think people take relationships too seriously and always with a view of "marriage", fixated on that. And, a lot actually just "settle".. There really isn't alot of compatibility going on to start with, she slept with him, she's emotionally attached and therefore, she settles into that relationship, disliking so much about it and then questions in the end.

When in a relationship you purely go with it. Love it and all that's in it, or if not, you leave that relationship and go on to another one.

To me, you "know" that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, when you are in a relationship that simply clicks in every fashion, best friends, best lovers, and best communicators...

If that's not there, you don't consider it.. It should just "feel right" and so you do.

I was one whom "settled", I didn't marry until 37... Figured better give it a go haha. I did love my husband but in relatity there were warning signs I ignored before I did, and inevitably, it ended as a result 7 years later. I was engaged at 25, but realised that he wasn't "there" so I backed out.. I was also engaged at 18 but knew that person wasn't right for me.. I had probably 4 long term relationships and a few naughty in-betweens, I don't regret any of them.

But, now?

I would only have a commitment ceremony. That's sufficient for me.

And, I probably would keep the "dating" happening for years, that being living in our own houses but spending time over each other's places, respecting our own space, missing each other when not together, I think it will keep all the sparks alive, who knows after a few years whether I would then opt for the same house, but certainly not for some time...

Marriage / Divorce = $$$ and this scares the carp out of both parties, pending on who earns more...

The above ensures that you have longevity and fun in your relationship without that fear, until you are sure 100% that you are safe, he is safe, and you can't live without that person, nor do you ever want to...

That's my thoughts.

CW

CW, if u dont mind me asking: what would u consider "warning signs" in a relationship? With mine, I dont know whether to consider them warning signs or just an "okay, I can understand why this is happening, certain circumstances wont allow for this or that" type of feeling. In the very begining of my relationship, I knew I was in love with him, but I had some questions in the back of my mind that I thought would all work themselves out down the line. Now almost 5 years later, I find myself asking many of those same questions.

[Texinator]

I don't think it is a waste of time at all. Why does marriage have to be the ultimate goal of a relationship? Do married couples love each other more than unmarried couples?

Some people regard getting married as romantic because it is supposed to show commitment. While I don't have anything against this view I also think two people that love each other can spend the rest of their lives together and be perfectly happy without getting married.

I don't think a legal contract is necessary to prove one's love. And if two people do fall out of love, why not let them be free to move on without legal ramifications? Divorce is often used as a means to retaliate for hurt feelings.

[caterpillar79]

It all depends on what you really want. Do you know what you want? Sometimes that is really hard to figure out.

We all love and love to be loved, and that's for sure.

I would ditto everyone else who say either. You are only going to waste your time if you DO NOT know what you want.

That being said, figure out what you really wanted, say 5 - 10 years from now, give or take?...then find that appropriate partner.

People normally fear change. Marriage in its "original" religious intent offer the stability that everyone crave and long for, yet, due to the complexity of the society, and life in general, staying unmarried seems to be a better choice for more individuals.

Personally, I would not waste my time on a man who has made up his mind of not marrying, since my goal is to find my lifetime partner, marry him, and get old together.

[nubianqueen]

People view marriage differently in my opinion. It just depends on the 2 people in the relationship. If both agree that marriage is not in the cards for them and they are perfectly okay with it, then that's fine. The problem lies when one person wants to get married and the other person does not. This is where communicating your expectations to the other person is extremely important!

[Texinator]

my goal is to find my lifetime partner, marry him, and get old together.

And you're about to score the winning touchdown!

[WildChild]

Standing up and repeating some words, signing on the dotted line and having a party in uncomfortable clothing will not ensure fidelity, love, trust or happiness.

Love and commitment either exist or they don't, they can't be forced. We hear over and over from people who are suffering and struggling to hold something together, that most probably cannot, or perhaps should not be continued. Fortunately we live in a time when we are free to make choices and create what will work for us and bring us the greatest joy. Unfortunately few people seem to actually do it. I know a couple who were married, had a family, divorced, both remarried, divorced or spouse died, they in turn married each other again but live separately. They are quite satisfied with that arrangement. It's what works for them. I know couples who've lived togther happily for years - no papers. There are others who are happily married and have been for 50 years or more. I have some gfs who never married and are quite happy with that. By the same token I know people who are in those states and unhappy. It's what you make it and what you are willing to live with.

That said, I do believe that we are meant to join togther. It is important to be able to stand on your own, care for yourself, to know yourself - alone, but then to really grow and learn we need close interaction with others and with a special other. Ideally you would be yin and yang, each complete but so much more together than separately, Helping each other, supporting, pushing your limits positively, living consciously. How many marriages really do that?

It seems that you are trying to approach the situation with him consciously and he is trying to approach it with more of a chips fall where they may attitude. He may feel that if you really love him the rest shouldn't matter. But it does. He needs to understand that you need to make your choice based on knowledge. We never know what life has in store but when there is a knowable and determinable risk, you should have the right to choose to know what you are facing before you commit to him in marriage or living together.

Seeing someone through a degenerative illness isn't easy. They may suffer but so do you, in a different way but you still do. If he were tested and you decided to commit to him even though you knew he would face this illness, you would have to carefully examine the situation. If he had to end up in a LTC facility under the present laws, you could be stripped of virtually everything financially before he could get care. That could argue strongly against marriage if you decided to commit to him. Unmarried, you would have and keep your retirement funds and saving and home. Married you would have to spend it down to meet the requirements for his care. Then when he died you would be alone, bereved and bankrupt with little to fall back on. Depending on your age, that could mean spending the rest of your life in poverty. A man who loves you, wouldn't want you to end up in that situation. (My recent ex thought it was good plan for my life - I left) Everyone should consider these types of possiblities and plan for LTC if their finances permit. But he would probably have to get tested to qualify and would be uninsurable if he tests positive.

I think you are being sensible and realistic. You two haven't been together all that long and you need to know that he cares enough about you to want to protect you if you commit to him, so that if this disease does take him, you will still have a livable situation. So often people look only at the needs of the one who is ill or debilitated but both have needs.