[Alaric]

I have the feeling that your wife deserves to know the whole truth, even if that wouldn't do any good to your relationship. As it may come out accidentally later on and she won't ever forgive you for keeping something like that from her, whether you will stay married or not. Just think how you would feel if she would have done the same to you; you would want to know.

The marraige is pretty much over , regardless. Ruining her Christmas and traumatizing our daughter for the holidays isn't an option. I have my suspicions that said wife has a secret or two of her own-and I'll never know. On the (slim) chance that my marraige can be salvaged , these details will eliminate that possibility. Honestly , my main concern is not ruining my neighbor's wifes' marraige. She's 22 and I won't wreck her life over a mistake that didn't involve her sleeping with me. My wife would go bat**** and go straight to her husband. I'm the responsible party here-I'm old enough to know better. My needs take a back seat to damage control. I can't harm another to clear my conscience. Won't do it.
I understand and respect your viewpoint , and would probably advise another the same way , but , "Let the chips fall where they may" is a lot easier if you don't love the innocent holder of said chips. She is entitled to having me take the hit alone. IMO

[WildChild]

If there is nothing positive that will come out of revealing what happened, then don't. Often times people tell just to hurt the other or boost their ego - other's want me- and some want to know as some sort of moral superiority thing. If you can save the relationship you will have to do so by communicating and recommitting. Either or both of you "telling all" may have no purpose so long as there isn't anything to come back and bite you like an STI or child. The strong possiblitity of hurting another, perhaps destroying a family, is reason enough to keep quiet.

It sounds like things are pretty far gone. After the holidays it may not hurt (if it can't get much worse anyway) to leave the neighbors out of it and simply say, "This has gotten out of hand, we have to make some decisions, either we both seriously commit to remaking this marriage or we walk. What do you want to do? Is there any love left? Anything worth reclaiming or saving? If yes, lets see a counselor and start working on it, if no let's plan to separate." If you put it simply and calmly she may respond in kind. At any rate dragging it out serves no one.

[Hopeless Dork]

I completely disagree with 'sparing someones feelings' as being the reason, lets be real its called... 'saving your behind'. You are talking about your grown adult wife, not a child that you have to spin stories to in order to protect. While her knowing may do more harm than good... wouldn't that be for her to decide if you revealing this would remove all hope of salvaging things? I love how people can so easily make decisions for other people on these matters.

If someone decides to have an affair, they decide that they are entitled to do so and that covering it up to their spouse is doing them a favor. Wouldn't want to hurt them, but will do all the actions that cause the hurt... because thats irrelevent... it only matters if they know about it.

Then when they decide the affair is done they come back to the reality with their spouse, none the wiser, and have decided for their spouse that they are worthy of forgiveness... not because their SO gave it them, goodness no... they have no idea their relationship was just compromised... but its better that way ... no harm no foul. Just a double life, just a stranger in their bed - who lies and hides how they feel. No biggie. Yeah, thats exactly what they deserve. Not knowing.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree also, it's Christmas to start with and there is more than a wife, there is a daughter.

But, it was an "emotional affair" that YOU STOPPED, cold.. from becoming a "physcial affair"..

Your kind of skirting what the problem is with your marriage, the little points you make, give an idea. But, obviously there is "always" a reason when someone strays, regardless whether it's emotional or physical.

So, you owe it to "all of you" at some point next year to sort this out, by way of leaving, staying and working it out, one or the other.

People can't live in loveless relationships. And, generally that is why one partner seeks love/comfort/smiles, what ever from another person....

CW

[Alaric]

I completely disagree with 'sparing someones feelings' as being the reason, lets be real its called... 'saving your behind'. You are talking about your grown adult wife, not a child that you have to spin stories to in order to protect. While her knowing may do more harm than good... wouldn't that be for her to decide if you revealing this would remove all hope of salvaging things? I love how people can so easily make decisions for other people on these matters.

If someone decides to have an affair, they decide that they are entitled to do so and that covering it up to their spouse is doing them a favor. Wouldn't want to hurt them, but will do all the actions that cause the hurt... because thats irrelevent... it only matters if they know about it.

Then when they decide the affair is done they come back to the reality with their spouse, none the wiser, and have decided for their spouse that they are worthy of forgiveness... not because their SO gave it them, goodness no... they have no idea their relationship was just compromised... but its better that way ... no harm no foul. Just a double life, just a stranger in their bed - who lies and hides how they feel. No biggie. Yeah, thats exactly what they deserve. Not knowing.

I'm not sparing my wife's feelings. I'm not going to ruin the marraige of someone who fell for an old fart who should have known better. We didn't sleep together , I've backed away , and I won't blast away at everybody in the neighborhood because you think it's "honorable" to hurt people who don't deserve it. Nothing to do with "saving my behind". My marraige is likely over no matter what . Should I tell the wife a girl less than half my age wants me just to feed my ego??? Should I rub it in??? Should I take that last pound of flesh , draw that last drop of emotional blood , all in the name of honesty??? You talk about what she's entitled to-is she entitled to a last jab as our 20 year marraige disintegrates around us??? BS. Hurting her in the name of disclosure is nothing but cruel.

[Hopeless Dork]

As a loyal girl committed to an awesome boyfriend an completely happy... I would sacrafice all that happiness for truth. I don't want him telling me any lies, holding anything back what should be said to do me the "favor" of sparing my feelings.

If he is interested in someone else... wants to have an affair, has an affair, has had an affair.. it would break me to the ground it would... but would I rather know the person that is holding my heart in his hands? Know him fully , so that I know what I am loving so deeply? Yes I would.

I say saving your behind because you mentioned that if there is any hope of salvaging your relationship it would be lost if you told your wife about this. So there is some benefit to you by not telling her. And you talk about it being a final jab, I call it closure. If my man was leaving me... if our relationship ended... if I was going to pine for him...cry over him, I'd want to know WHAT it was I had in the first place... and if it wasn't what I thought it was it would change it from grieving a loss to bidding a good riddence.

[WildChild]

I think Alaric is looking at the broader picture. This isn't just about him, or his wife. There are others involved - a young family. I've dealt with one side of this, I've been cheated on, it happened in a marriage and I've had it happen in a couple or LT dating situations.

I didn't want to hear the details, that would have just hurt me more. Until I finally decided it wasn't salvageable all I wanted to hear was that it was over, it wouldn't happen again (it did) and what we could do to improve the relationship.

Truth is best, but there are many kinds of truth. The truth I'd want is an honest, I'm sorry things haven't been right, I love you and I want to work this out. If you allow yourself to get lost in all the questions like, was she prettier, sexier, whatever, you won't be moving forward. Obviously there is a lot of water under the bridge in 20 years to get to this point. Really he flirted with the idea of cheating but he put the brakes on. That's a good thing.

Some people, like my first husband, just can't keep their hands to themselves. This doesn't seem to be that kind of situation. It sounds like there is a lot of frustation and errors on both sides.

[WildChild]

When a marriage reaches this point, there won't be much pining for each other or big grieving scenes, there may be some recriminations and fights over who gets what but at this point it's usually more resignation than anything and maybe relief to just have it over because it's holding them both in a place they don't want to be.

Over time people can change in different directions. There are accumulated layers of hurt, miscommunication, times when each has treated the other thoughtlessly or even meanly. It builds up. Often times it degenerates into a power game with each dragging out the old stuff to "prove" who is at fault or who was the worst. There may be efforts to hurt the other. I think this is what Alaric is hoping to avoid. It can get ugly and not serve a purpose. If the one isn't a complusive cheater then there is shared responsibilty for what created the situation. Some people will never cheat, but in truth most of us don't know what we might do after years of frustration, rejection and pain.

Part of my take on this is experience, part is age, part is just my life view. In my late teens/early 20s when husband cheated, I raged, threw things, cried, demanded answers. After it happened again and again, I became resigned and finally just started packing. I knew he wouldn't change. Now I'm more mellow, less reactionary and would be more likely to want to look at myself and the relationship, and what we needed to change before I'd start looking for the box tape. As we get older our feelings about these things change.

[Alaric]

I honestly don't give a rat's patootie about psuedo-intellectual like "closure". Opening a new wound doesn't "close" anything. I also don't give a rat's patootie about what I might get out of it. I've already hurt a young girl who did nothing more than trust the old guy to do the right thing. Making her life worse to 'settle' my garbage would be a horrible thing to do. I don't love my wife and she doesn't love me. Telling her I touched a girl (through clothes) and two (closed mouth) kisses won't make her feel better , it will cause acrimony and bitterness. It will also likely cause her to go the girl's husband and potentially ruin her marraige. Everybody involved (except me) deserves better than that from me. I've done enough wrong. No more. Nobody involved is entitled to that kind of grief and pain. I won't do it.

[WildChild]

I don't think you should beat yourself up too much. It sounds like both you and your wife have taken some wrong turns. Do you think it is possible you may make better friends than spouses?