[Sprite]

Good luck hunn, let me know how it goes!! xx

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Communication is the best key and he's said this for a reason, he is having trouble moving on, the best thing you can do is to let him know that you accept that for now, and understand... But, for him to understand, that further down the track it will make a difference and it will be different if he still feels the same because baggage is baggage and your ready to continue onto a new path of happiness in and with your life.

He needs to be assured, it's ok for now to put him at ease and see where your relationship goes, but keep it in the back of your head, as well, because it's no good if it's the same 6 months down the track sweet.

I'm out of time on this computer, so I'll continue later what else i wanted to say x

[Guest]

was she his first "real" relationship? if there were seriously talking marriage before the split, there must have been a deep connection of some sorts.

I may be alone in this, but I still have feelings for people I have been involved with. even those where it ended poorly. just because things got bad at one point, doesnt mean one lets go of the memories and feelings from the good points. i think we can have feelings for more than one person, saw that in another post here from someone else.

we have a lot of room in our hearts and souls to love others. sometimes it's hard getting rid of the clutter, and maybe we shouldnt get rid of it either.

i think your BF may always have some sort of feelings for his ex.

what is important is that he has feelings for YOU now, and that they are strong.

[Ahryin]

To be honest with you I myself have had this issue. It did not hender my connection with other people but it was still evident. Whats bad is I tried to fight it. You should understand that he may not want to feel that way about her, he just has not been shown a different way to direct his energy. It happens a lot when you leave a relationship you invested so much time and energy in. Especially if she cheated because it means he had to work hard to trust her, which is something he may regret. My friend and I discuss this now, because I regret the time I waisted on him. I regret the hurt I accepted, the disrespect I accepted and many times felt like a fool. Before I embraced this and moved on I would attempt to embrace the good times. I thought that it made it worth it and would help me move past but in reality it was just making it worse. I had to take it for what it was a series of bad decisions on my part...that helped me. To this day I still have trust issues but i'm working through them...S..L..O..W..L..Y!

My advice is to determine what YOU want and what YOU are willing to accept. By staying you do risk the chance of getting hurt. He may not be ready. On the other hand you could be the person to open his eyes. You never really know because each person is different. It really just depends on where you are emotionally and the approach you take knowing that this could be an issue in the future.

[Futureboy]

Really feel for you Saint

This is a tough one. Problem is he's probably not going to be straight with you 'cos he doesn't know what's going on in his head either.

I am worried that you are the rebound girl (been there for three years).

He sounds angry which is better than wanting her back

Does he want you as much as you want him, or is it need an emotional crutch?

I think by bringing the ex-up will not get you to the point of indifence he needs to get to. Personally I think you should plan a few things for you two into the future, dream a little. The more forward looking you are the further the past will be and the indifference will come. I don't think he'll complettly forget but he will proabably forget enough for you to be ok with it.

Looking into the future will subtly test his comitment

Tough one

[x.st.angel.x]

Hello everyone thank you so much for your responses
In regards to the rebound girl part he told me from the begining that i am not his rebound girl at all, i didnt quite believe him at first but now i do. He treats me like a princess and like his girlfriend. It just seems when she is brough up he kind of slips into a different world and gets sad and says things that normally he wouldnt say.

I was meant to speak to him about it last night but there was no opportunity to, i may just wait for the perfect moment or until he brings it up again

Once again, thank you everyone your responses are much appreciated

SAint

[Explorer44]

Well, our thoughts are with you, St. I know I've encountered 'ex' issues with guys before...

[x.st.angel.x]

Ok so i finally spoke to him about it....didnt go well at all, we were both in tears, he keeps telling me to find someone else yet when a guy friend calls me he brings out the smart comments such as "is that your boyfriend?" Its been almost a year and he told me that he doesnt feel a strong connection and that we are two completely different people (and i dont think that matters what so ever!)

We had a strong connection in my opinion i think he's just blocking everything because of the thoughts and memories of her so he refuses to move forward with me.

I just feel defeated and betrayed really....all this time i felt like he was the one and that everything was going smoothly, which it was! until all of the above.

I told him that its unfair of him to tell me to leave after all this time and i also said to him its unfair for him to break up with me because of her.

I am just so confused with what to do, im not one to just walk away, i fight till the end yet i feel defeated already.

He promised he'd try harder and see where things go but i just feel like history may just repeat itself. With all my ex's i was basically the rebound girl and it really hurt. I mentioned that in our conversation and he told me not to think like that.

Anyways after we spoke he asked me to come around that evening again, i think he felt really bad because i told him everything i felt. There were a few things that indicated he didnt quite mean what he said but he still said it and i just dont know what to think or do..

Any advice....

[newhere808]

As a guy who was in a relationship where he finally completely gave his heart to someone, only to have her turn around and spit on it, I can kind of understand your guys hang up. I'm not a hateful person, but I do resent her to a degree, and that being said, I don't think you ever really stop loving a person, not if your really loved them in the first place.

It may be that he is so overcome with hurt from what happened between him and his ex that he can't move on, his hurt feelings are all he has left. When your in that type of situation it's hard not to warm up to someone of the opposite sex that is sweet to you after everything fell apart, that person (in this case you) runs a huge risk of getting stuck in the spot of "emotional pillar" and that is a rough spot to be in.

His reaction that you mentioned when the two of you spoke sounds like a classic defense mechanism. He doesn't wanna revisit what's really hurting him, so is trying to turn you away from him. When people get emotional they do foolish things, especially to those they care about. Something you need to ask yourself, is whether or not this man is worth waiting for, and you need to wait for him to want to figure it out if that makes sense. Otherwise your relationship will be defined by you helping mend his heart, and if the two of you ever have a fight it will crush him that much more. If you think it's worth the wait, then be candid with him, about how you feel for him about how you want to be with him, but also about how the two of you cannot grow together if he hangs onto his girlfriends "ghost".

I'm sorry to hear about your situation St. that's really crummy.

[x.st.angel.x]

Hey NH

I do understand that in some situations you will always love a person even if they are long gone so i dont mind that at all because i will also always love certain people i have dated in the past.

Hearing your perspective from a guys point of view really reall helps! As i said i am willing to fight till the end with this one because he is so worth fighting for but do you think he'll ever come around??

He says he doesnt have a strong connection etc etc but he's only been saying that recently, before that it was fine...so i have a sneaky suspicion that she's ethier called him for a chat and its hit him hard or he's thinking way to hard and its changing his feelings... I dont know....what do you think??