[newhere808]

Hey NH

I do understand that in some situations you will always love a person even if they are long gone so i dont mind that at all because i will also always love certain people i have dated in the past.

Hearing your perspective from a guys point of view really reall helps! As i said i am willing to fight till the end with this one because he is so worth fighting for but do you think he'll ever come around??

He says he doesnt have a strong connection etc etc but he's only been saying that recently, before that it was fine...so i have a sneaky suspicion that she's ethier called him for a chat and its hit him hard or he's thinking way to hard and its changing his feelings... I dont know....what do you think??

Whether or not he'll come around is the hardest question I think, and it totally depends on the guy. My ex (the one who burned me really bad) actually helped me start trusting women again, and then hurt me in a different manner. It still hurts, but I am thankful for one of the things she taught me, and that was how not to hold past hurts against a new partner (that and cautions to look for in a woman) I would say that it isn't so much a question of whether he will or not, but whether or not your willing to wait for him to do so.

In regards to the possibility of her calling him, unless this is something that has happened before, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion yet. I honestly think if him pushing you away was in response to you trying to get him to open up, he may have just been lashing out. Quite a few people cannot talk while hurt, so they just emotionally flail around with whoever their talking to, not paying much mind to what their saying, simply emoting.

I think you may want to draw a line in the sand. Pick a time period that you will give him, be candid with him about it. You want to be with, you want to wait for him, but you don't want to wait around for nothing. It sounds selfish but it's not fair to either of you to stick it out in frustration for too much longer. One of the reasons guys may gravitate to you in a rebound situation is because your very caring, and it would be a shame for that to be wasted on someone who won't give themselves back in the same manner.

[x.st.angel.x]

Yeah i hear what you are saying she used to call him often but he hates her and wont go back. Thats what he tells me at least so i just dont get why he doesnt try harder with me to help him get over her, know what i mean??

In my mind i have kind of set a date which is in March. i figure thats heaps of time for me to decide but at the same time i really dont want it to end. I really believe this guy is the one i just want to feel wanted

[newhere808]

Yeah i hear what you are saying she used to call him often but he hates her and wont go back. Thats what he tells me at least so i just dont get why he doesnt try harder with me to help him get over her, know what i mean??

In my mind i have kind of set a date which is in March. i figure thats heaps of time for me to decide but at the same time i really dont want it to end. I really believe this guy is the one i just want to feel wanted

Believe me, after breaking up with my ex late in 2008, I definately understand that feeling, the desire to be wanted. I almost ended up with someone who wanted to be with me casually just cause it made me feel better at the time. Ultimately though, I didn't go for it. My want to feel something made me that much more eager to feel anything, and I nearly sold myself short because of it.

I think you should make him aware of your timeline as well, not as an ultimatum but to be fair with him. He needs to know how you feel, but I would advise leaving his ex out of the conversation. Acknowledge his hurt, but at the same time don't dredge it up. Don't make his past hurt out to be the problem, but explain how it is holding the two of you back from something so much better. It certainly will not be easy.

In the outside chance that he is still in some contact with her, I would say that you have your answer. Though it would be hard to be sure of something, and I wouldn't advise being sneaky about it (not saying that you would, but just in case)

[x.st.angel.x]

Thanks for that NH

Im going to do what you said above with the timeline, however im not sure if i'll 100% commit to sticking to it. But i will try for me because i feel defeated already so its not like i can lose anymore if you know what i mean.

I really do appreciate your input so thank you very much! I am going to have a long hard think about everything said.

[newhere808]

Thanks for that NH

Im going to do what you said above with the timeline, however im not sure if i'll 100% commit to sticking to it. But i will try for me because i feel defeated already so its not like i can lose anymore if you know what i mean.

I really do appreciate your input so thank you very much! I am going to have a long hard think about everything said.

I certainly wish you the best in it. Even though it is hard though, I would recommend that you stick to that timeline if at all possible. It may be hard and it may hurt, but it may also be pain no vs prolonged hurt over time.

If you ever wanna talk more about it, feel free to hit me up

[caterpillar79]

I learned that once women feel comfortable in a relationship, we tend to "build a nest" and day dream about the future with our current partner. It happened to me and bruised me badly.

Sis, you think he's the one for you, does he feel the same way? (Just throwing things out there for you to ponder no matter how hurtful it might seem).

When you think about him and dream about happy ever afters, does he do the same? We never know, right?

I believe, based on your accounts, he is still in need of an emotional crutch. I have been one and also was someone who needed the same. (somewhere along the way, there was a time when DH and I were in this quagmire of uncertainty). That being said, I want you to think about your happiness without him for a moment. Do you think it would be possible for you to be happy again later as time heals? I believe the answer is yes.

But, I am not telling you to walk just yet. Gauge your strength. How much of yourself could you give without anything in return? If you can say at least 75%, then stick around and be ready to be his crutch. Be cautious not to burn out though, it is easy to get depleted and by depletion, I meant, your self-assurance and security will diminish right before your eyes if you are not careful.

If you chose to be a crutch, decide to what extent, as to whether as a GF, a bestfriend or just a friend. To be honest with you, I became each of those (in order) until I told myself no more. It's all or nothing. If he doesn't man up, I am done, I deserve a man who is truly a man.

Now, back to you, my dear sister...based on experience, when a guy says something emotional when he is drunk, believe it is from the depth of his heart. There is a huge possibility that he will not admit what he said once he is sober. So, big girl, you know what to do. The answer is in your heart. Keep your thoughts coming, share and take each day as it comes.

What won't kill you will make you strong.

XoXo

Cat

[x.st.angel.x]

Thanks for that cat!
This is where it becomes extremely complicated...Before he'd talk about moving in together and one time when i thought i was pregnant he got really excited and was talking about the future and all that then suddenly i get hit in the face a few months later with this.

I dont mind going through this with him, by that i mean helping him move on and start new memories and i told him that from the beginning but i just cant figure out why he suddenly brings this up after all this time...makes me think he's confused or going through and emotional 'phase'

Thats why im so hesitant to prepare to walk. This is not the first time this has happened to me but in saying that i do feel a lot stronger this time around but the situation much more complicated. All his friends are mine and i suppose im just trying to keep peace in a sense.

And cat with the drunk part...thats the part that worries me the most He is so blunt and harsh and some of the things i dont even want to repeat...

I do believe he is the one whether he feels the same im not sure, i wouldnt even dare ask him that...

Talk about confused huh???

[caterpillar79]

Yeah, I feel for you. It is like watching the screen, my past life being replayed only that, he and you are in it, not DH and I. *sigh

But cheer up, who knows, if you hang in there, there might be a happy ever after. Or, if not, at least after this trial, you will surely a better individual. A stronger woman who would not give any man a dhamn.

Here are my thoughts:

Let him know that you are still around and ready to support and love him, but as you do, make him feel that you are now refocusing your attention more to yourself and your well-being. Make yourself less available for him. Sometimes, we love so much and nurture so much that we tend to make ourselves TOO available, TOO accessible, that we are taken for granted. (I should read this again too - guilty here).

Show him you are worth more of his love, let him initiate things with you. By doing so, you give him time to himself to miss you, think about "what is going on with you that you seem mysterious". Pull back a little to give him space. Men (that I knew) go crazy even subconsciously once they are getting closer and closer to the woman in their life. It is like a screen that they use to filter that tells them to either back off or push you away, they sense a "threat" to their freedom. This probably is one of the reasons, aside form the ex issue. It is like one after the other, you know. Hard to pin point, we cannot read minds.

I personally would not move in with him yet, nah, not with his issues unresolved. Him having emotional upheavals is somehow a good thing though to a certain point. If he is healthy and wise enough, this could be the turning point for him to either be a man to face his demons or a coward who scours in the night.

What do you think?

[x.st.angel.x]

I think you hit the nail right on the head

Im not going to call or make contact or arrangements until he does so first...i want to know that he's thinking of me and that he is willing to actually see me.

I definately wont move in with him yet, im not ready and im sure he isnt either.

you're absolutely right cat...i just have to process all these words and thoughts and just figure out in the end what i am going to do. For now though i'll go with the flow and possibly distance myself now. Im not prepared to get hurt

[caterpillar79]

That's my girl. For more on this, I recommend you read the book, All The Rules by Fein and Sneider. This should reinforce you on how to deal with him and/or maybe whoever he would be.