[x.st.angel.x]

I shall look up that book now! thanks cat xox

[caterpillar79]

You're very welcome, dear.

Hugs,

Cat

[Guest]

. . .

I think you may want to draw a line in the sand. Pick a time period that you will give him, be candid with him about it. You want to be with, you want to wait for him, but you don't want to wait around for nothing. It sounds selfish but it's not fair to either of you to stick it out in frustration for too much longer.

. . .

I couldnt disagree more with this suggestion. if you verbally give him a deadline you will get exactly that, because he will see it as a chore, test, or whatever, and it will only be something that he uses to justify pushing you away more. it's like backing him into a corner, and i can tell you from experience that people in his situation dont like being backed into corners and react accordingly.

i do agree with setting your own deadline in your own mind, but even that should be flexible some. he wont change for the better overnight and it may take a bit longer than you thought. in contrast, it could get a whole lot worse very quickly, and why hang out if theres not sign of it ever getting any better.

[x.st.angel.x]

Yeah i dont think i could have actually told him, im just extremely comfused, i feel like i should start distancing myself but at the same time i feel like in a way he's crying out for help and i shouldnt turn my back on him.

[Guest]

it whatever he does each time a bigger push away than the last time, or is it about the same each time?

[x.st.angel.x]

Im not sure...this is kind of the first time something like this has happened. Before three weeks ago things were fine

[Guest]

you said in a previous post that you were going to wait for him to contact you, i'm not so sure thats a good idea either.

whatever triggered this episode for him has obviously got him to think about whether or not your relationship and feelings for each other is real. it may be something completely innocuous.

he may be waiting to see if you will "make the big gesture" and contact him or just not bother.

it's a fine set of lines between letting someone know you are there for them, seeming uninterested, or being pushy.

some men seem to be more emotionally fragile than women in some regards, especially when it comes to baggage from previous relationships.

here's a suggestion, but YMMV:

call him, tell him you love him and tell him you are there for him. then ask him what you can do ease his mind about things.

[x.st.angel.x]

Thank you so much for your reply! I suppose i just wanted to feel wanted by him making contact first...but i think i'll call him tomorrow its driving me crazy setting all these rules and restrictions in my mind. For some reason i believed i should but your point has made it clear that i dont have to

Thank you!

[newhere808]

I couldnt disagree more with this suggestion. if you verbally give him a deadline you will get exactly that, because he will see it as a chore, test, or whatever, and it will only be something that he uses to justify pushing you away more. it's like backing him into a corner, and i can tell you from experience that people in his situation dont like being backed into corners and react accordingly.

i do agree with setting your own deadline in your own mind, but even that should be flexible some. he wont change for the better overnight and it may take a bit longer than you thought. in contrast, it could get a whole lot worse very quickly, and why hang out if theres not sign of it ever getting any better.

I can't remember if it was in that post or another, but I did mention that it shouldn't be made out to be an ultimatum. I certainly understand what your saying here but it's all in how you handle it. I would agree with your explanation if she were to just throw down the gauntlet about it, but if she were to express her feelings, her hurt, acknowledge his, and make him know she wants to be with him, but can't/won't wait forever it may be just fine. I think it fair for him to know what process she needs to go through. How do you think it would hit him if her "deadline" approached and she decided to break it off for what he percieved to be no reason?

In my opinion this is something that they need to be "point to point" about. He needs to be aware about how she's hurt by whats going on. Silently sticking it out for any determined length of time will run a bigger risk of keeping things were they are, given the mix of feelings involved.

Waiting for him to fix it on his own, or putting herself in the position of "fixer" won't remove the problem. He needs to move on for his own reasons, not hide his hurt with affection from another.

[Guest]

of course she needs to say something about what she is thinking, but the deadline/timeline for "correction" isnt a good idea. men generally dont like being backed into a corner, and a deadline is just that. if she has an idea of how long she's gonna let this go for, thats ok. but it needs to be flexible in both directions.