[KMonte85]

Anyone else noticing a consensus here? Raven???

Nobody deserves to be talked to and treated that way.

any person who treats a SO this way is not worthy to be in a relationship, let alone with someone like you who deserves to be treated much better!

You don't deserve this Raven.

You deserve so much better!

[mdraven380]

Pretzel make some very good points but I'd add one. I recognize it because I've done it over and over. Take some time to look at why you let men who cannot love you into your life. We all have dramas and scripts that we may play out over and over again. To see change in our lives we have identify them and change them. I was raised being told that I was "mean and selfish" Why? because my mother had a problem with her older sister and I was the older sister. Fold into that a father with poor emotional control which resulted in abuse and I have trouble setting boundries with how I am treated and walking away when not treated right. It seems you have a similar problem. We are too sensitve to other's feelings and not good at getting our needs met.

Being aware of where this comes from may not be enough to resolve it but it's a start. You deserve so much better!

I agree.
I could never get my dad's approval. He was mean one minute and nice the next. I never knew what to expect. He loved me and I loved him very much. He was always out either working or playing in his band or drinking at the club with the guys. When I got to see him I was afraid to talk to him.He was always upset about something. He never wanted to open up to us. I just wanted a relationship where I could talk to my father about things. I always went to my mom.

Well last night me and my bf were out with friends and a guy friend of mine was there. All of a sudden my bf is asking me if I still love him and and he was telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loves me. Funny how when his ex girlfriends are there he doesn't treat me as nice. He did say he's noticed I've been a little clingy lately. He gives me mixed signals because He told me when we were first together he actually liked a woman that was clingy.
For now I talk what I can get and when he is nice to me I feel better. When he rejects me I feel like my whole world is crashing. I think I will start telling him that I'm busy one day a week and start to give him some space. Maybe I"m smothering him. But when he is nice I just want to try to get all I can get.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We are at a different age whereby each and all of us have gone through alot of different relationships and experienced alot of different things.

The difference is I think, some people can jump over past and welcome their future, but alot can not. They carry baggage and as a result, controlling, insecurity and down right anger over their past, therefore in this case, women.

He chose you for the wrong reasons... Company...

That's not what your looking for.

He's not being honest with you at all, he's acting like a male chovanistic rada in my opinion... He can put you down and all other women till the cows come home, but he can not make a beautiful person think she's a cow

Why would you think that?

It's his problem not yours.

If a person thinks they may lose someone, realising what they stated, they'll double back and correct it... In order to keep them.

Truth is what is spoken.. Changing those words after the fact, is trying to get out of it.

He has baggage, he's been cheated on or most of his friends have, he's decided to chose what he thinks is non-threatening, won't cheat on him but in that, he's not projecting that he wants a future, rather Company...

Have a deep think there. You deserve better in my opinion.

[mdraven380]

Anyone else noticing a consensus here? Raven???

Yes I see. He is'nt mean all the time or I would definitely leave. I guess maybe I pravoke his sometims because he seems to flirt with other women. So that'w when we argue. He is just moody sometimes and I guess everyone is. When we get along it is really good and feels natural.
I can't really go to my sister and talk anymore becasue she is sick also and doesn't want to hear it.

[pretzel]

Yes I see. He is'nt mean all the time or I would definitely leave. I guess maybe I pravoke his sometims because he seems to flirt with other women. So that'w when we argue. He is just moody sometimes and I guess everyone is. When we get along it is really good and feels natural.
I can't really go to my sister and talk anymore becasue she is sick also and doesn't want to hear it.

Not to beat this dead horse anymore, but mdraven, please stop making excuses for him.

He is what he is. If you can live with it, fine. If not, then there have been more than a few here who believe he's more destructive than constructive.

[mdraven380]

Yes, you're right pretzel.
Sorry I kept going on about it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

mdraven, it's your thread and pretzel isn't pushing for you to leave, we make our own decisions in life, he's merely trying to show you what he sees, and what other's see, as they are stating simular things.

Ultimately, you KNOW we are here for you to express, so just keep doing it, if we are wrong, that's fair, as only you are with him and really know

But, maybe one word, or something that's written makes you think and in that, it may help you change things to work, or end up looking again, doesn't matter, what matters is that you are happy, full stop.

WIth flirting, some people just do it naturally.

I have this belief, seriously I do... It always hurts when you walk away from someone or visa versa. But, if we go through a relationship "worried" that that is going to be the outcome, get offended over flirting, or anything that may threaten, then we're not going through that relationship 100% and in happiness.

So, if we know that it may happen and we are going to get hurt, make the relationship a happy one, because without those re-actions to actions, it may just turn out perfectly and if not, well we are smart enough to know that a few of the relationships we enter won't turn out the way we hope for, that's why there is "one" person out there, the rest is finding them

[pretzel]

Yes, you're right pretzel.
Sorry I kept going on about it.

I'm not advocating one way or the other. CW's right. It's like free therapy.

We're here as friends and confidants. We only want the best for everyone.

[Hopeless Dork]

I do understand where you are coming from raven. If his good points outweigh his bad it can be worth it. As long as the bad points don't tear you up so much you can enjoy the good points. Its a balance. No one is perfect. You have to decide for yourself what consessions you will make, what is acceptable and what isn't. That is entirely different for everyone.

I've noticed that when some people fall in love they fall in love so fully, so faithfully and with their whole heart that they will sacrafice your sanity for it, their self-esteem, their health, and their overall well-being.... without realizing that if the person they are doing that for loved them even half as much they would not let them sacrafice those things for them, they wouldn't make them have to.

Love is blind... but not really. Deep down even the most whipped up in love person in the world knows when they are being mistreated... but they make a choice... that their own personal happiness is not as important as being with this person.

Its usually a dependency issue more than love when its that severe. A matter of not being able to see themselves without this person so will put up with any amount of hurt to keep not have to be without them.

Don't let him change you, don't let him make you second guess your worth. If that is happening or starting to happen its time to go.

If the times he makes you happy really do make up for the times he breaks your heart than by all means work it out. Only you know if they do or not. And only you can be honest with yourself on how much he hurts you, how much he makes you happy, etc.

[mdraven380]

Well last night we got into it again. We went to see a band and some of my girlfriends were there. They asked me to dance so I did. Now let me say that when me and the bf went in we sat at a table together. about and hour afterwards he goes to get a beer and instead of sitting at the table with me he sits two tables in front of me without any explaination and this is before I was dancing with my girlfriends. So later on I proceed to talk to one of my female friends and that was for about 20 minutes or so. I looke over to see my bf sitting alone at the table then I looked back again and he was talking to his friend. When I went over to him he gave me the cold shoulder again. He said he was angry with me because I left him alone and was ignoring him?! I thought he was talking to friends also. We came home and he was argueing with me the whole time saying how could I leave him sitting there alone. Mean while everytime we go out he leaves me sitting alone to go talk to friends. His arguement is he doesn't leave for that long which is not ture. We get to my house and he tells me that he is going home and he is just dropping me off. All the while he is screaming at me telling me I have issues and throwing my past in my face. So at this point I'm fed up and get out of the car at 3:30 am, walk down the back alley by my house in a foot of snow. When I got in I called him and said I'm driving over to get my belongings out of his house. ( Things I use when I stay over night, night clothes,blanket and such). He never answers my call. When I get to his doorr he has all my things packed up. He starts screaming at me and pointing his finger at my chest, again. Standing in front of me I wasn't quite sure if he was going to hit me but he didn't. I tried to reason with him but it was no use so I left. I texted him this morning telling him that I didn't break up with him and reminded him of all the nice things I did for him. He calls me and proceeds to throw things in my face even more.
After all of this I think we finally verbally make up on the phone. I said I would call him at 6pm when I did there was no answer. He calls me at 8 with an attitude. He tells me what he did today and asks what I did. I said I went to my friends house and he says in a sarcastic tone,"Oh you did now" I say yea did you expect me to sit at home by myself all day? I said do you have a problem with that? in a normal tone. He starts raising his voice telling me he doesn't need this anymore and that he isn't going to argue with me. Then starts argueing with me anyway so I hung up on him.

I think this is really over. Just the other night he told me,of course after he was drunk, that I'm beautiful, but this is how he worded it. You really are a beautiful woman but I don't want to tell you that to much because you might get a big head"
What the does that mean? It really hurt me.
I confided in him when we were together and told him about my past and how other guys abused me. He threw that in my face. Saying at least I don't beat you.

I don't know why I bother to be honest and open up to guys when I'm with them. It always comes back to haunt me.
Plus the fact that half of his ex's things are still at his house after they have been broken up for a year. He argues with her on the phone also and it gets on my nerves.

I'm not calling him. We have only been together 4 months.
I thought he was good because he had soem of the qualities I like.
He is a non smoker, doesn't take drugs, doesn't drink everyday, he is clean in his appearance and his house. When he is loving and kind it's really nice but with one wrong word said he can change in an instant and become verbally brutal. I watch him do this with his kids everyday.

He told me once that he was sick of his ex when they were together becasue she didn't clean and cook and was irrisponsible with the kids and bills. He told her he wished she would find someone else. So she did then he said he was in disbeleif and couldn't believe she would really do it. Then he was destroyed and had to go to counseling because he didn't think he could make it with out her. They were never married but lived together for 13 years. They brok up 9 times and he moved her in and out of the house. Like I said half of her things are still ther becasuse she lives with her om and has no storage. and he has a car stored in her mom's garage.

I feel as if he is taking my identity away from me a lot of times.
I'm so sad and tired of going through this same routine with guys. I guys I do have a problem or I just keep picking the same kind of guys.
He said that it bothers him that I'm so quick to leave when we argue.
I leave because he is saying things to me that are verbally abusive and I can't take it.

I'm afraid I can't be strong and stand my ground because the lonliness will set in.