[sourpuss]

He does all the chore/jobby stuff during the week so his schedule is clear when he has her. He gets her late Saturday morning and takes her back Sunday after dinner, so his time is extremely limited.

Every once in a while they'll come over for dinner and I've thought about having her help, but my kitchen is so small! It's like a tiny hallway with a stove in it. haha!

I dread the thought of just throwing her into the situation and making her deal. It will be a lot harder to beat it when we're way up in the woods, hours from home, with only one car. But maybe that's what it will take.

[Ahryin]

Ok Sour...told you I was back so here is my advice...

As you know i'm a single mom, I have two daughters age 3 and 9 (wow they are getting big) They have different dads, at a time their dads brought all sorts of women in out of of their lives...where me I don't allow men to meet my girls. They are my daughters and it is my job to teach them how to be women. Now back to you....one..how old is the little princess. I'm glad that you see what she is going through emotionally. Every time my youngest has to go to her dads she cries, he is recently married and she does not like the wife, she didn't like her when she was just a girlfriend, but then again she doesn't like her own father. So when she comes home...she cranky and whiny and crying all the freaking time. Children are smart...they see a lot of things we don't believe they see.

First things first...realize that when she goes home she is getting drilled, you ARE being discussed! She is being led to believe you are the enemy.....realize it Sour so you can deal with it. In the back of every childs mind they believe that if mommy and daddy are together their life may be different or happier. If Daddy was still with mommy she wouldn't have to deal with mommy the way she is now...Daddy would save her! Daddy would protect her! Daddy would fix mommy....(I will be right back I have to log off and log back on but i'm not done)

[Ahryin]

Ok i'm back

Now that you realize that...also realize that if you want to be with this man...you also have to be with his daughter, she is apart of him. When she first comes to his house they need to spend time together...but then, my suggestion is you spend some time with her away from him. Not in the house however. Take her some place she hasn't been, at first take her some place for about an hour or two that does not require she speaks to you. It is very important for her to do this ON HER OWN. For instance take her some place girly...like to get her feet done, some thing short and to the point...do this every time she comes...some thing short and to the point that she can look forward to doing with you. Something that doesn't take her speaking directly to you. When you get back around her dad....praise her (even if she was acting like brat) Praise her to her dad for her color choice for example...some decision she had to make on her own. It shows her that she can make decisions on her own, so she can decide to like you on her own. After two weeks or so, ask her if she would like to get some tea or ice cream ...that its HER decision if she wants to go or not. Make it a big deal, so she knows SHE is deciding.
I know it seems like a lot because she is a child and children should not have this much power blahsey blah...but yes she is a child...shes a child coming from a broken home, who is scared and possibly placed in grown up environments and in her mind YOU are possibly taking away the only haven she has...so now YOU have to prove that you are not taking away her haven but adding to it. The only way you can do this is through time...patience...and understanding.
I hope this helps...if not I"m here...to assist in any way I can ...Good luck

[sourpuss]

Wow Ahryin, thanks for breaking it down like that. She's just turned 6. But she's very quiet, observant and smart. And she makes a big deal out of being able to decide things because she said her mom never lets her decide anything.

Any yes, her mom is definitely talking about me, that I know...and not just to her daughter. Odd, considering she's the one that left him. But whateves....

I'll give all this a try and see what happens. I just have to try to get him to go away for an hour. It will have to be spontaneous though, because if he gives her the choice, she'll turn anything with me down. He needs to run to the store or something and take an extra long time. haha

[Ahryin]

Of she views his home as her sanctuary so it needs to be out of the house...discuss it with him simply by saying you would appreciate the opportunity to begin a bond of your own with her. Even if he drives you to the mall or the nail salon (which may be better to start with) Drops you two off and then picks you two up. It shows her that he is ok with this and you can be trusted. I agree she does not need to have a choice. You can explain that while Daddy is doing his errands you and her are going to get your nails done, or take a painting class...it just has to be something that she doesn't HAVE to talk to you while doing. I say get your nails done because ALLLLLLLLL little girls love that. I say feet because its a catering to you thing..think about it..you are in a massage chair...you choose what color, what style etc. Its something that you know for a fact her father isn't going to do with her...and you know for a fact is a girls thing. Repetition shows you are dependable and gives her something to look forward to. Eventually you will be added to that...so while she is looking forward to getting her feet done..she will look forward to doing it with you which will lead to communication..which will lead to her opening up to you. The weather is getting warmer and its a perfect time. Then when her father picks you up or however just throw in very loudly very proudly "Hunny do you see that beautful color...she picked it out all by herself" or "Look at the design lil mommas picked out..isn't that wonderful, maybe I should let her pick out my designs from now own, she has a wonderful eye for art" It may take a while..so be patient but don't give up...if you start now by the time you go on your camping trip you would have created an advantage...then on your camping trip you can show her how to do her feet herself...or even other things

[Ahryin]

disclaimer...I am NOT a girly girl! This was hard for me to do with my own girls, since they are girly girls

[sourpuss]

I'm so not a girly-girl either!
We were talking to her about playing hockey next year and he told her she didn't have a choice, he was just signing her up. And her response: "DAAAD! I'm not a sports girl. I just thought I'd be more like a cheerleader or something. Stop trying to make me play sports."
....we sat there, mouths open, totally speechless.

but we have a cool little place here where you can paint pottery, like plates and mugs and stuff. I think she'd like that. Maybe we can make her dad a mug or something.

[Ahryin]

Thats a great idea! Especially if you tell her its for him..pick a project that will take more than one session and tell her its a surprise for him for being such a great dad.

[sourpuss]

Well, that's that. His daughter has decided that she doesn't want him to have a girlfriend, so we're done. I can't believe he's allowing a 6 year old to make major life decisions for the both of us. Utterly ridiculous.
Last week her mother told her that the new guy she's been dating for two months is 'going to be her new dad'....apparently that's ok but telling her that I'm his girlfriend and not a threat is over the top.

I guess it's a blessing in disguise because these people are completely ridiculous and I don't need them in my life. It will just take time to get over getting my feelings hurt. Ugh, so over men it's not even funny.

[LanaBear]

Awww, sp, that is horrible! Letting a 6 year old make that decision on behalf of both of you, wow, just wow.

Like you said, maybe it is a blessing in disguise, to get these people out of your life. If he's letting her do this at 6... What happens at 10, 14, 16, etc.?

Hugs for you!