[hellokitty]

Hi,

I have just come across pictures of other women on my fiances computer (whilst saving a document for printing. I feel betrayed/hurt etc. I also come across a private message from an adult porn site in his inbox. I love him to bits, but i feel so confused and betrayed. Please advise

[Tiptopshape]

Are these nude women by any chance someone you know or does your bf know them personally? If these pics are just random pictures of celebrities or strangers on the net, then I think you need not worry. It's normal for guys to watch porn, it's just like looking at playboy magazines. Just be thankful that he isn't cheating on you with another woman physically. Ask your guy friends if it's really normal for them to do that, so that you won't be too bothered about it. When you'll get married, I'm sure you'll both find it adventurous to be watching porn together. LOL! Stop worrying...Hoping the best for you and your fiance.

[caterpillar79]

Your situation resonates with me deeply.

Have you told him how you feel about it? Before he became your fiancé, while you were dating or just casually going out, have you known or had any hint on his porn viewing activities? If so, how did you feel then? Have you ever discussed with him your views on porn in general?

If I may relate my personal experience, I'd say he's viewed it, jerked off on it for a long time before you met, while you two went out casually, dated and now..., it's been a habit, hard to break even if you're engaged. But fear not! Before reacting too much, see what those emails say. Check if he has cancelled his subscription/s, or just plainly tell him you saw porn in his computer (assuming he gave you total access to his email account, and you're not intruding in his privacy, or you can admit you snooped and apologize). Ask if he has cancelled his subscription and then share how you feel about it.

Do this when you have somehow reconcilled with your emotions. I can be as good as an actress in my discussions with people, but when my heart is at stake, I can never hide my emotion - my voice, my eyes, my while demeanor shows how affected I am, and my husband has mastered all my cues, I can never hide! So what I'm trying to say is try to discuss this in a calm and mature manner. No hysteria involved.

Tell him you "felt hurt and betrayed" ( your exact words), when you saw porn in his computer/ inbox, and see what he can do about it. If he sees what damage he's done and how it hurt you, he should be able to accommodate you and adjust. Remember that your goal is not to change him - he should decide to do that for himself. And even if he decides to change, it will be a long process. Work with him, always communicate to him how you feel - both positive and negative. And when you share about your negative feelings, make sure you do not sound like blaming him because that would drive him away. Tell him what you DO NOT like as well and for sure, he will respond and work toward pleasing you. Remember that the fact that he asked you to marry him means that he loves you, and that he believes that you'll be able to 'handle' him and make him accountable for his actions, that you are sweet, and strong.

Last time I checked, men do not like "doormats" for a wife. Show him you mean business in a very loving, non threatening way. Goodluck!

[hellokitty]

Are these nude women by any chance someone you know or does your bf know them personally? If these pics are just random pictures of celebrities or strangers on the net, then I think you need not worry. It's normal for guys to watch porn, it's just like looking at playboy magazines. Just be thankful that he isn't cheating on you with another woman physically. Ask your guy friends if it's really normal for them to do that, so that you won't be too bothered about it. When you'll get married, I'm sure you'll both find it adventurous to be watching porn together. LOL! Stop worrying...Hoping the best for you and your fiance.

Thanks - Tiptopshape - The pictures /vids are of celebs/pornstars and not women that he knows. Everything in the relationship, including the physical part is just the same as it was when we got together six years ago. Guess I have nothing to worry about

[hellokitty]

Thanks Caterpillar79! - It is helpful to get advice from my fellow women. He looked at these sites before he asked me to marry him so I guess it is just one of those things that guys do. If it had started to affect the physical side of the relationship then i would be more concerned, however things are just the same as they were when we met six years ago. I guess I was just a bit taken aback at first as i thought he preferred these women to me and that he didn't find me attractive anymore. Thanks for your response! :-)

[Hopeless Dork]

As long as he is still giving his attention to you in the sexual department and making you feel special and wanted... thats what matters most. I do cringe when I hear folks say... "be thankful he isn't an axe murder" "be thankful he isn't doing this or that" because you don't have to be thankful he's not cheating on you... that should be a given, not some sort of prize. Thats like the standard pre-requisite for being committed -- not cheating.

Its like someone hitting you over the head with a book and then saying... hey, be thankful I wasn't holding a frying pan. Yeah, thanks for that.

[rhiannon34]

I think you had the same reaction most women would. Most women I think especially don't like to be surprised by their so's, and when you find something on your own, it feels like they were hiding it. Thats a very insecure feeling to me. I doubt you have absolutely anything to worry about!

[hellokitty]

Thanks to all have replied so far. Am feeling a bit more positive now :-)

[rhiannon34]

As long as he is still giving his attention to you in the sexual department and making you feel special and wanted... thats what matters most. I do cringe when I hear folks say... "be thankful he isn't an axe murder" "be thankful he isn't doing this or that" because you don't have to be thankful he's not cheating on you... that should be a given, not some sort of prize. Thats like the standard pre-requisite for being committed -- not cheating.

Its like someone hitting you over the head with a book and then saying... hey, be thankful I wasn't holding a frying pan. Yeah, thanks for that.

Lol, I absolutely agree! I just love your posts HD.

[rcoreyus]

I wouldn't worry at all about the messages in the inbox from adult sites - many many may just be spam. (though he probably got on the list by going to adult sites). It is fairly common for men to look at porn. I don't consider it a problem unless he is ignoring you sexually (and it sounds like he isn't). If it bothers you though, I suggest that you tell him that you don't like him watching porn - and any time he feels like it you will have sex with him instead. If he ever decides he prefers the porn to having sex with you, then worry - but for most men that is unlikely (does happen though)