[Seniora]

Well Stressed, that's a hole in one if ever I saw one!! You are spot on, if I think about it honestly. I have confided in a close (divorced) girlfriend but I feel it was self-indulgence since she is still working full time and hasn't the money for retirement. So, I can't labour the point. Start a course, you say? Well, I am learning German by distance education and have been to some music groups close to home which have bored me rigid because they are simplistic and the people older (I'm just 60) and rather unfriendly (you DO get that with music people, BTW). Girlfriends - well, most still work but when I do meet them I'm pretty bored by the constant talk about grandchildren!! Recently I said to a friend, "I don't see myself as JUST somebody's grandmother". She said, "Get over it"! Do you see the problem? Most men are just more interesting, that's been my experience!! No kiddy talk; no gossip. When I was a student (started at 41) of music at university nobody there knew I was a mother of 4, had a husband and lived on a farm - it was distance education. I didn't have an affair, but made lots of male friends. We never talked domestic issues - just hard core music etc. I was in Heaven. On the first day of the course a man walked over and sat next to me, "We're having lunch together because you might just be a bit interesting' was his observation. We became fast friends and what fun we had!! So, there are complex issues at play here and my husband knows he doesn't fulfill all my needs - we've talked about it and this is why he has always given me all the freedom I need. Makes you wonder why I'm still complaining? Because I'm always after that "sugar hit". I'm going to live in Vienna with hubby for a year from January, so hoping for lots of "sugar hits", musically speaking. But I do miss my internet friend terribly and our long discussions about music and harmony!! Oh dear.....

[Seniora]

I've just re-read this thread and am now providing an UPDATE. My internet "friend" has been in touch again - I knew he would - very briefly and said, "Stay in touch, if you like". Well I did reply that I missed him and hoped we would talk again soon, regretting this right away. I immediately wanted to punch my own head in - it's just so stupid!! But, I'm beginning to draw the dots. (See, writing it down crystallizes the issues). He's playing Pavlov's Dog with me - trying to regain the power in the "relationship" (go figure) which he lost when I told him off 3 or 4 weeks before, when he would have been humiliated because it was SO TRUE. Obviously he's not "over it" either, otherwise why would he bother with me at all, knowing I'm a "loose canon" and liable to do it to him again!! The fracture had developed and it would have been easier to let it go..... Recently he had stopped contributing to the Forum I spoke about in my first post, as he has felt under seige from some critics on that site. Looking back at some earlier threads he had posted I could see harsh reponses, from other contributors, to his moods and remarks. They were, indeed, patronizing and insulting in tone but also wonderful and funny in a way that most people are not. This is where I cut these types of people a lot of slack - both on and off the internet. And now it has come back to haunt me. He well knows that I like him and people who are different, and I think this is why he won't let me go. He has been reading my posts and this has brought him back to the Forum - very flattering, I must say!! So, I am obviously a huge influence on this man (and my best friend says so, ..."he can't resist his match, his equal", and she's right). She also tells me "You will always have the upper hand. Laugh at his ego and enjoy the fact that he's sulking". The problem is ME and how I handle being manipulated. Unquestionably I really like this person, which is hugely distressing and inconvenient.

I'm afraid I did too much apologizing 4 weeks ago for that dressing down I gave him - and this is only what I would do in "real life", even if that was ever likely to happen, as I HAVE the resources to repair a friendship after an argument (which I suspect he most certainly does not). Again, I think it's Depression which is causing this!! On days when I feel strong and positive I laugh about my friend and this situation and his preposterous ego (based on a deep seated insecurity, as it is) and go to the gym, work out and chat with "the girls". Strangely, the more he "plays" with my mind - the Pavlov's Dog thing - the more I know I'm still under HIS skin - that, or he's just getting his rocks off by being more cruel (probably the latter, or both, when I think about it). Yesterday at the gym I met an old acquaintance and we talked about girly things and light banter - I found I actually enjoyed this, but wouldn't for any long period of time. It was a bit of "light relief", if you will. But inside my own head I was able to say, whilst still talking to her, "this conversation's going nowhere, but she's quite nice and friendly so what the heck". I remembered wondering if this was a message telling me that I'm losing contact with real people? It's very confusing, because I think we should be able to handle both real relationships and internet friends, just not let the two become mixed up.
I morphed into a suburban grandmother during the conversation!!

Well, it has helped writing this down. Seeing how stupid I am - in print!! I think I'll ignore his next email and see what happens. And he WILL send me one....I know it.

[Seniora]

Five minutes after writing the above posting I checked my email and, yes, my internet friend had sent me two scholarly articles on education for me to read. This is a joy! But I'm a crazy mix-up with this person, but very flattered that he thinks me his intellectual equal!!

[Seniora]

I've just checked out this Thread to see if anybody has commented! I don't blame anybody for ignoring it!! I've re-read what I wrote and am shocked by it, like an out-of-body experience. I obviously need counselling and help with Depression as this is now driving me nuts and I can't talk to my husband without being abrupt, nor with my family which is visiting here from the country (together with grandchild). My emotions and state of unhappiness are spiralling out of control but I'm usually clever about it - I laugh and joke with people all the time and they seldom know the inner turmoil and unhappiness. I don't even listen to music much now - the single biggest hint something is very wrong. My moods are the "four seasons in a day" variety. Working out at the gym only temporarily eases the emotional pain I feel, about which I tell nobody. Insomnia is my best friend too.

My internet companion has been very attentive, polite and pleasant (a big change from his earlier demeanour - when he had a huge fallout) but I don't know why the whole thing brings me such unhappiness and confusion. It would be easier to stop emailing him - I know I'd feel settled and happier. It isn't HIS fault - he is unaware about my predicament as I always talk lovingly of my family and home life (which is the exact opposite of his). So I'm also a false friend to him!! He's such fun and so intelligent that I'm robbing myself of the chance of a healthy and fun friendship because I'm so anal about it!! I need to relax and be glad when I hear from him and get his little news bulletins, instead of stressing and being anxious about my own feelings. It is tearing me inside out - and my husband deserves better from me, he's such a wonderful man REALLY. I don't deserve him - he would walk on broken glass in bare feet for me!!

I can't dig myself out of this hole. I don't handle relationships of the heart - and that includes intense and very GOOD FRIENDSHIPS. We love our friends, of course, and in the past I've found this distressing too. Relationships make me afraid and insecure, but I present as overwhelmingly confident. If I told anybody this - even my husband - they'd laugh at me!!

How can I overcome my fear of relationships, behave better towards my husband and myself and still keep the joyful online friend which I now obviously have. This man really respects me and hugely admires my opinions and intellect - a blind man could see that. I guess my fear is that it won't last!!

What path should I take to sort all of this out, please? You would be right to see me as self-centred and indulgent with a husband who has spoilt me!! But I still have a heart and soul in pain.

[Seniora]

Well, so much has happened since I last posted on my predicament with my online friend!! My head has been crazy mixed-up, and this whole episode has done my head in - well and truly. I've been able to see things much more clearly without the aid of a counsellor, but Depression has been and is an issue. I'm going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week now and enjoy this.

I was right to break up with my "friend" the first time and should have listened to my own instincts. We pay for not listening to these, oh boy!! I need to engage in what I call "age-appropriate behaviours" and stop behaving like a silly teenager! Somebody earlier wrote that I wasn't 100% happy with my husband - oh, very true, though we are good friends and do lots together. This will explain my lifelong friendships with males, I expect. (Though many have been gay!!)

To cut a long (and boring) story short, my friend seems to have "dropped" me again - I had written a lovely email with some very personal thoughts in it, just as I had done a day or so earlier in response to one of his family problems. Perhaps he felt I was just getting too close - but he should have replied formally and hinted at this!! I did mention my old, long gone ex-lover in it, but only that he was ill and I'd had an email from him recently. I haven't heard from my internet friend now for nearly 3 weeks and surely this cannot be the reason!!!! Really, I think he's just grown tired of me and this is his modus operandi with people. I guess we all know people who are our full-on friend and then they disappear and move on to somebody else. As I'm not like this myself I always wonder why people do this!! But, at last my head is clearing and I'm finding some peace of mind - until next time with some interesting male; or even female! I don't mind, as long as they are intelligent.

So, I should have heeded the wisdom of people who advised me on this site, or even my own natural intelligence. It shows that my "emotional intelligence" isn't very advanced!! I freely admit that. But one thing is absolutely certain out of this: I am the intellectual and psychological superior to my "friend" - he knows it and I know it. I have life-skills (believe it or not!) and don't need to resort to aggression and insult with people as he does. I've always been good humored, caring and funny with him and I'll take away from this experience the knowledge that I'm really fairly well balanced in life and have a strong outline of self. I've remained silent because its the dignified thing to do in this case. So, all is not lost..!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ghaaa long, and late But I will save it, read it all on your up-dates and post tomorrow


People didn't answer as there was no question, more blogging

I've read a thread but beign late, as I said I will read myself and reply tomorrow, hope in the meantime as we are in Australia, other's read and make comments

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I will say, what if he wasn't looking at it as you were, what if, he appealing to your intelligence but wanted something else, realised it wasn't going to happen...?

AGAIN, you have to be so careful of the internet connections.

I am glad that the gym is something you love, but you know, internet is internet, what if he is not whom he claims to be, not whom he shows he looks like, sounds like maybe he is in-secure or wants only sex and your showing interlect

What are you depressed over? I again beg you to be careful of the internet game, and again will read tomorrow and reply more, I am scared that you see what they write as the truth, that's not always the case..

[Seniora]

Thanks, Chandler's Wish!! I appreciate your efforts to my garbled postings. I've had Depression/Cyclathymia all my life - usually managed without medication, but on a few occasions I've needed this. Runs in my family (like wooden legs!). Well, my "friend" and believing? I'm a very sceptical person and have checked out his work website and there he is - he has also sent me attachments from the university in question, and the course he does. He sent a photo of himself, with his daughter - not particularly handsome - as I'd sent him one of me (we were Skyping at the time - just the voice). I think he is quite a bit younger than me - the photo tells about 46, he says 52 and I'm 60!! It's strange!! So, I'm not naive about the internet. All I know is he's really, really smart as I've been reading and contributing to his postings on that music site. Seriously smart!! Just in the last few days (I've withdrawn from the forum 8 days ago) he's been posting and discussing issues which I've been involved in and he has used everybody's name except mine!! It's like I've been obliterated!! This hurts me as I've only ever been kind to him, and supportive, as my comments have always been very pertinent and well thought out!! It's like he's trying to HURT me!! You may be right - he may have wanted this to go further and he let that slip during a Skype discussion about 2 months ago. I let it go over my head!

The gym is huge fun thanks and getting me healthy for my extended European stay in 2011. I enjoy the gym chitty-chat too, with laughs and sighs about the rigour of getting fit. Thanks again SO MUCH. Being married, I can't really discuss this with anyone and retain my credibility. Oh, I did tell the hairdresser and she laughed!!

[Seniora]

Well, my final comment on this thread. After lots of reading, researching and soul-searching I've realized that I've been dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder with my online friend. I've been given the silent treatment and this is their modus operandi, apparently. I'm unsure what I've done to "deserve" this - it could be any number of things, I guess. Bottom line: he's a lost cause and I've withdrawn all contact, deleted all emails, Skype messages, and removed myself from the music Forum.

These people are too damaging to others and my sister (the counsellor) said normal relationships "aren't gooonna happen" with this disorder. Whilst I feel profoundly sorry for him and his family I have to take care of me first, and I'm a strong woman. What must it be like for weaker, co-dependents? I shudder to think!!! Cheers all.

[stressed]

You did the right thing. Do be careful with people online and the connections you make with them. You may be after intelligent conversations but there are many who are after more than that. Don't emotionally invest online, there are many traps out there.

Try to connect with your husband more, as being in a marriage with no connection does more harm than good.