[Seniora]

Thanks "Stressed" for that advice. Yes, I've been married 37 years and my husband and I have a good relationship, though not a physical one!! I confide in him so he knows what goes on, amazingly!! We travel and do things together, but I have a yearning for a deeper connection with somebody - male or female - on the cerebral side. - and always have had. No one partner should be expected to fulfill all our life needs - I'm a great believer in that. Accordingly, I have had lots of friends outside the marriage (as opposed to affairs) both male and female, particularly when I was teaching. All ages, both sexes. I recently made contact with a fellow (a fair bit older) in a music group I belong to and we made an instant phone connection regarding music. I'm running a course in 2012 for this group and he sounded me out about it recently. We both found we had lots in common, so please don't think I only look for people online. This is the FIRST time I have had an online friend, apart from 3 or 4 acquaintances who help me with musical and travel advice and there are NO STRINGS - all are married and life in Europe. Very formal only. My online friend is/was very special, but troubled, and I do believe he thinks me special too - I've given him heaps of constructive advice about his mental health issues. This cost me our "friendship" but is a cost I was prepared to pay because I think I needed to get away from the problems and not become enmeshed in the BPD "dance" (as it is known) and because he won't have much life quality if he doesn't do anything. So, I put forward some pretty compelling comments and arguments for him to digest, and left it at that. Thanks for your advice, again, Stressed!

[blue soul]

Hi Seniora I only discovered this forum this morning so I am new here. I don't want to take your story away but I am going through something similar with my online forum friend at the moment. I feel heartbroken and have not stop crying for a week now. I am trying to find answers about online friends too I wish I had done this long time ago. I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I can honestly feel your pain.
Almost a year ago my online friend met me through facebook and added me as a friend. She is my first online friend too. She has many online firends and keeps making new ones all the time. At first I thought it was a bit strange a stranger adding me as most of the time I just don't accept strangers as my friends if I don't know them from my past life. It turns out she runs a forum and has the same interests as me. I became a big role on her forum to the point where we became very good friends chatting to each other privately every single day. She made me a moderator for her forum which I was honoured when she asked me about it.
Four months into our friendship she said she can't handle such a close friendship so I had to back off and then we agreed to email each other once or twice a week but still remained friends up until last week.
I have even travelled this year with my family to meet her in person. She is lovely and I still like her even though she has disappointed me so many times this year and then I become hurt. As of last week we had few words to each other and our friendship has fallen apart and she doesn't want to be my friend any more. I really looked up to her and was proud she was my "friend" but not a best friend.
I have a very loving husband and two beautiful children so I don't need a best friend. I have not been on the forum for couple of days now the longest since we met. It really really hurts as I still keep checking what they are all chatting about. I feel the forum is part of me and I can't imagine not helping people there. She told me I am always welcome to chat as I have many friends there who love chatting to me. I would love to but I really don't know how. Would she chat to me there or would she ignore me? How would I handle how she chats so firendly to others and not me? These are some of the questions i have had on my mind.
It breaks my heart not to have the contact with so many forum members there as I enjoyed chatting to them and helping them with their questions. I suddenly feel lonely again and not sure how to get over all this and what's next for me.

[Seniora]

Blue Soul - hello and welcome to this Forum. I am sorry to hear about your problems with your online friend. I worked through similar issues with my (male) ex-friend too and have moved on from there, but perhaps I can share some insights with you?

Firstly, its wonderful to 'meet' somebody who thinks the same way you do - whether in person or online. In older times these were also known as "pen friends' - a secret friend we could share things with. Today it is a lot more public and less personal. I took my friendship seriously, as I do with all my acquaintances or friends in the face-to-face world. But, you know, as one of the people on this Forum has said, "there are a lot of lost souls out there who live online". I realized this when I found my friend was posting on many other sites, including the Guardian newspaper under another username - incredibly his writing style and ideas exactly matched those of the music forum and I instantly recognised him this way and was alarmed by what I read. (He used to provide links to the same newspaper on the original Forum I was on, and this is why I started my detective work!) Some of his postings were deleted by the Moderator - presumably because profane or otherwise inappropriate. So he has another, darker side which he never presented to me.

Your "friend" is probably another of these "lost souls" - maybe with Borderline or other associated Personality Disorders, as I'm certain my friend had/has. He cut me off without any reason - but they get bored, these people do - according to my research and my sister (a clinical psychologist). There is nothing for you to blame yourself for - either that, or your friend found that you and she weren't compatible and that's the best possible 'spin' I can put on it. I think people need to speak the truth, but many don't have the 'balls' to do so.

Yesterday I saw the film "The Social Network" and, boy, didn't that ring some bells. The lines in that film were very revealing to me...."you're angry Mark. You sit in a dark room on a computer and this is what angry people do nowadays". Very true. Also, "You treated me very badly and all I did was to like and support you". On another site I also saw this posting, "neurotic men are the dominant users of internet forums". Whether this is true, I think it's what people think generally. But, it has certainly been my experience. My friend is profoundly neurotic and unstable, as it turns out. But he hid that reasonably cleverly, though I was able to find this out and challenge him about it after he ignored me. The sad thing is that he has such gifts - what a writer and a wit!! If we were speaking today I would say to him "you have a career as a writer if you want it". Your friend obviously had the ability to hook you into a supposed relationship that served a purpose at the time.

You must now move on to a life, as I do, in the real world. Some wonderful doors have opened to me since my experience!! I still feel saddened and cheap but, you know, I feel even sadder for my distressed friend and his intreated psychological disorders - which will mean he is destined to remain in a cold, dark room sitting on front of a computer while you and I move on with our lives.

Do let us all know what you've decided and how you feel about this.

[Seniora]

A couple of things I should add, which I thought about after I had posted this last comment:

Firstly, the writer of "The Social Network" said recently on The Colbert Report (The Comedy Channel) when interviewed about the film:

"Facebook is to socializing what reality is to Reality Television"!! This is well worth remembering.

We all like to have a close girlfriend (or male friend) as husbands can't fulfill all our lifetime needs in a marriage, but don't look for it on Facebook - which is a construct and not reality.

Secondly, your online friend was at least "honest" in telling you the reason why she didn't want a further connection (and I presume you'd spoken on the phone and knew it was a "she") because she didn't want to be "close", but also dishonest because she was so intense in her pursuit of the friendship in the first place (like my friend) that it suggested it was she who did the running. So, I end up suspicious that the friend DOES have the personality issues I earlier suggested. Don't go running intensely after people if you don't want a close relationship - and don't disclose things about yourself if you don't want one either!!! That would be my call on it.

It is significant that the minute I talked about my own "issues" with my ex-friend that's when he disappeared. You see, it's always ALL ABOUT THEM!! Not only did mine disappear into silence, I was able to read between the lines on the public forum that he was upset about something I had said. Tough. We move on in our lives, but keep smiling for you have lots to smile about.

[blue soul]

Thank you so much for your insight about this issue. I can relate to almost everything you have written. Yes my husband kept telling me it was just like pen friends in older times.
I am slowly moving on but I feel angry and hurt. I have learnt a great deal about online friendships. They are not very easy to maintain unlike friends in real life when you can just call them on the phone when you need help and catch up with them for a coffee and a chat. If it ever happens again I will be more careful about disclosing my personal information and opening myself up to a stranger.
Thanks again I appreciate your honsety regarding this issue.

[Seniora]

Blue soul - you sound like a perfectly nice person. Is there any reason for that username? I mean, do you otherwise also have some kind of Depression or is it just this experience? I hope only the latter.

In the real world of friends we "judge" them according to another set of codes: body language and other non-verbal cues, and whether or not they can give and take. You go to something of hers, she comes to something of yours - just one example. Do they contact you regularly, turn up on time, listen to what YOU have to say, show empathy and compassion, humour, intelligence? These are all the measures of friendship aren't they? Sitting at a keyboard and saying anything you like to people ISN'T friendship - it simply makes people egocentric and this is why they really have NO FRIENDS! People don't like that - well, only other people in the same predicament, and I use the word "like" advisedly anyway!! Feel pain and hurt - these are all natural emotions - as this is part of the process of grieving.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Almost a year ago my online friend met me through facebook and added me as a friend. She is my first online friend too. She has many online firends and keeps making new ones all the time.

Blue Soul, if I may.. Your friend owned a Forum, and at that time was searching for people who would join her Forum, like minded to what she created and in that search, possibly asked an abundance of people to be her friend... There, she introduced her Forum...

You noticed the amount of friends she had and new ones being added all the time.

If she didn't think you were "special, good for her, intelligent" she would not have added you as a Moderator...

As a Moderator, or even at the beginning, as a daily high quantity poster, I can tell you, I gained and still have many a friend from here,and alot I conversed with 2 years ago, have gone...

The one thing I noticed, is I couldn't keep up, couldn't keep talking back and forth every day to 3,4,5 as well as Moderate as well as work, as well as having my usual home life and I started giving one line answers, or explaining that I wouldn't be able to answer for a few days, it was wearing me down...

I don't think people understand that there is a life outside of the internet world, that as much as we love someone as we get to know them on the internet, we can't talk daily and maintain everything else, friends, forums, family, boyfriend, work, facebook, personal emails...

You may find your friend, perhaps if I can say, didn't know how to still remain friends but ask for less contact, as her life is busy and so let the friendship go... it's internet, easier.

I however, think she is right, you looked up to her, feel honoured, and you should...

A Moderator doesn't become one just because they post a few posts...

If you look at our Moderators you will note that all post every day, all try to help every person...

You would be silly to let go of something that is important to other people in this World, your advice, thoughts, opinions, friendship..

If she chats with others? Wait for a while and say hi, and maybe let her know you know she has a life outside of the internet, is busy and perhaps daily was too much but friendships once built, can be had at anytime, once a month, three months, and you should be where you left off...

In addition, people do jump all over the place on the internet where friends are concerned.

I can tell you a few now have my phone number and they are close to my heart...

A few chatted away themselves daily But then one day disappeared

A few are indeed lost souls and will take all your strength on-going to get through and disapear.

This is the internet world....

When you make your friend, off course you want to get to know them inside out but once you do, if I can suggest, drop in, by, and keep in touch and talk about what's been going on, but if one person is talking daily you can bet other's are trying to as well and it all becomes very overwhelming

Please don't give up your Moderator's job... Your stronger than that, be there to help those others and develop friendships with all of the above in mind....

CW

[Seniora]

As usual, Chandler's Wish, your post is thought-provoking. The whole notion of 'friendship' and 'internet' is something which occupies many people nowadays - I mean, in quite a scholarly way. Yes, there are obviously degrees of friendship aren't there? I wouldn't consider just typing messages on a keyboard as anything more than "acquaintance", though. This assumes you never meet the person. But we can get a good feel about a person's character from the internet all the same. I met a man once (22 years ago) who was a broadcaster on a national classical music network. I used to write to him and he started ringing me at home!! Well, to cut a long story short...we finally met the following year when I went to an arts festival in that city. I wanted to put a face to the voice (and, oh, what a voice!!). He was icy and aloof and, I felt, with lots of closed body language. He was 22 years younger than I. We went for lunch and he folded his arms and looked down at me! I'm fairly formidable, and this is probably why. Nevertheless I pursued the friendship and it only ended about 3 years ago. He's old and ill now. But, my point is that I liked him instantly when we spoke on the phone and from what he said on radio and it turned out my initial instincts were right: he WAS a nice person and we got along well during our subsequent meetings (including a brief affair). Bottom line: we should follow our instincts about people and the first instinct is the right one. If only I had taken my own advice with my online so-called friend..........

But with anything on the internet, just take it as very very casual.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Seniora,

I actually acquired a boyfriend from the Internet, bought him across here even, some will remember all will say he was a great guy..

Anything is possible, however, America and Australia is a little bit too much of a "long distance", I still keep in touch with his family from time to time through facebook...

It was definately not a waste and in addition, I have close bonds with a couple of beautiful women on here, you could say "daughters" as they call me Mum, they are the ones that have my phone number.

But, I have also met people face to face, from the internet that were NOT whom they stated they were via all the writing

Bottom line is, we can be real on here, or we can use our fantasy mind, the alter ego if you will and portray something different....

In meeting, if it's the oposite sex, to me, it has to be somewhere out in the open amongst alot of others...

The alter ego? Sometimes, we befriend people because we like their challenge, or their persona, or the things they bring to the table that otherwise is missing in our lives....

And sometimes, they just make us laugh and we're glad to be-friend them and keep in touch...

Too much, contact is like husband and wife is it not? Daily? Therefore, very difficult to maintain...

CW

[Maximus]

I didn't read all points raised, but made a selection of which one caught my attention...
Personally I consider time and energy are far too precious to be spent casually.
The primary rule I use for all my interactions, internet included, is that in the short span when we are in contact,
that interaction should contribute to our mutual growth.
I always keep this mind.

Whether I have the good fortune to meet in person or not.