[Allie602]

Daniela - many woman have talked themselves into staying with a man like this for 10 years, waiting for him to be ready. Then realizes that it will never happen. In the mean time she has missed out on chances to be with a man who really loves her. Some times he leaves first when he finds someone he likes better, it may be 5 yrs, 10 yrs. Look at you positives, which ones are positive for YOU. Good looking how does that benefit you in a relationship? in fact it's a disadvantage he has more options with women and has an easy time meeting them and getting them, just like he did you. When he happens to meet the right person that he wants to marry, he will ask you to leave and marry her. When a man says he is not ready to marry, its a nice way of telling you that he does not want to marry you.

Read any book on relationships, they all say the same thing. When a man finds someone her really thinks is the right one, he moves heaven and earth to get her. With you he does not have to lift a finger, you are there no matter what he does. He says and does things that would make a confident woman walk but you stay and take what little he gives.

He does not love you, you will do for now, you are companionship, money for rent, sex so he does not have to go out looking for it. You are giving much much more than you are getting and men lose attraction for women that are so lacking in confidence they are their not matter what he does they are not a challenge. Men like a challenge. Your intuition is telling you to get out but you are not listening.

This has nothing to do with how attractive or desirable you are. Don't worry about that. You are just not the one for him. Get out and find that guy who follow you to the ends of the earth.I a short time you will kiss the hands of fate that you did not stay with him.

[Daniela73]

Thanks to all of you for your answers.

I think I am just scare to death to be alone. The fact that I am an inmigrant and don´t have any relatives living in this country makes me feel very vulnerable. It´s like: where will I spend Christmas?.

I´ve thought many times about leaving him, and three times I had a rent contract in my hands. However, seeing him cry and telling me how much he cares made me give up my plans. He used to become better for 3-4 moths, but eventually he will give me some B*sht (always related to money or how lucky I am by living with him)

I lived alone for two years in my own apartment and it was terrible. I´ve never felt so lonely in my life. Before that I was living in a student apartment with other people. Life as a student is compleatly different than working. I had more time and there was always something to do/someone to hang out with.

I looked at an apartment today, but it was so little. I felt sad at once. I´ve applyed for a student apartment, but it can take some time to get an answer.

[ManINeedACoffee]

I understand being scared to be alone, and I can't imagine how much lonelier it feels to be by yourself in a foreign country. But at the same time, being afraid to be alone is not a good or healthy reason to stay with someone. Do you have close friends around that can give you emotional support? People from work or school?

It sounds like this is his pattern: You get ready to leave him, he gives you the same teary speech about how he cares (which he probably does..but not enough to appreciate your feelings and give you what you need), and you take pity and change your mind. It's a common cycle, but unfortunately it never ends.

Keep your chin up, stand your ground, and be strong. Just because he doesn't respect you, it doesn't mean that you don't have to respect yourself.

[caterpillar79]

Thanks to all of you for your answers.

I think I am just scare to death to be alone. The fact that I am an inmigrant and don´t have any relatives living in this country makes me feel very vulnerable. It´s like: where will I spend Christmas?.

I´ve thought many times about leaving him, and three times I had a rent contract in my hands. However, seeing him cry and telling me how much he cares made me give up my plans. He used to become better for 3-4 moths, but eventually he will give me some B*sht (always related to money or how lucky I am by living with him)

I lived alone for two years in my own apartment and it was terrible. I´ve never felt so lonely in my life. Before that I was living in a student apartment with other people. Life as a student is compleatly different than working. I had more time and there was always something to do/someone to hang out with.

I looked at an apartment today, but it was so little. I felt sad at once. I´ve applyed for a student apartment, but it can take some time to get an answer.

While it is scary to be alone, nothing is even worse than being made to feel insignificant after being promised the other way around. I was once in your situation about a year ago. I am also an immigrant and no one to turn to. I realized that truly no one would be able to love you more than you love yourself. So, while you are scared and lonely, face the reality, and in that, you would soon be able to take it and hopefully be able to be happy and emotionally secure on your own. It took me a while to realize that. I had to undergo a lot of pain, rejection, wasted time, effort and love, was even taken for granted. Until I came to my senses, and said no more would I allow any man to walk on me, 'the one' came to his senses and manned up.

Remember, being cherished, and loved should start from within. Take your time to work on it.

*hugs.

[Lunar Keiki]

Instead of looking at the cons of being alone, look at all the pro's--you can do what you want, when you want and however you want. You can make new friends, joining some social groups that have common interests or take some classes on something you'd be interested in. You know, like photography or something. You would meet new people, learn a hobby and get around your city and see all that it has to offer from a different perspective.

I never had that opportunity to be completely on my own. I went from my father, to my first husband, back home, second husband, then my own place but with two kids. The idea of living in a city, completely free of responsibilities except for myself sounds like such a cool experience. Don't get me wrong--I love my kids and I wouldn't change anything now. But if I could have done things differently when I was younger, I would have moved to another state, a whole different environment, rented an apartment and had that experience. I would have loved to live in like San Francisco, catch the cable car to work, explore the city, meet new people, just take care of myself for a while.

Until you can be by yourself and enjoy your own company, you won't be very good company for anyone else. Learn to be alone but not lonely.

[Daniela73]

Breaking up is hard to do- need advice please

So I´ve taken the desition to move out from my boyfriends apartment. We both love each other and we keep crying at the fact that things don´t work out between us. I´ve put my cards on the table: he has commitment issues and doesn´t see himself married or with children in the future, while I do want to have a family. I´ve been living at his place for the last two years and I still feel like a guest: the last fight was because I ate his chocolate. I´ve said to him that I don´t want to live in a relationship where his things and my things should not mix. Besides he earns much more than me and has everything: house, car, boat etc. So I don´t have a chance, I mean, we can not buy things toghether cause he already has everything, and if he is to buy a new apartment it should be bigger and the price will be way to much for my teachers salary.
Anyway, after all the talk, the crying, the "I love you" and "why" from both sides, I´ve hint him that we can still make things work if he is willing to give more of himself to the relationship. But I don´t get any reaction. He just cries and blames himself for everything. This is awfully painful, and I don´t want to leave but I can not continue living as a guest in his house with no future perspectives. Any thoughts?

[sourpuss]

I think standing up for yourself and what you want from life is a huge step in the right direction. No one should feel like a guest in their own life. If it were me, I'd want the independence of being on my own, no matter how great of a neighborhood or apartment I had at the time. Live your life for you and if he wants to be in it, he'll meet you half way.

[caterpillar79]

So I´ve taken the desition to move out from my boyfriends apartment. We both love each other and we keep crying at the fact that things don´t work out between us. I´ve put my cards on the table: he has commitment issues and doesn´t see himself married or with children in the future, while I do want to have a family. I´ve been living at his place for the last two years and I still feel like a guest: the last fight was because I ate his chocolate. I´ve said to him that I don´t want to live in a relationship where his things and my things should not mix. Besides he earns much more than me and has everything: house, car, boat etc. So I don´t have a chance, I mean, we can not buy things toghether cause he already has everything, and if he is to buy a new apartment it should be bigger and the price will be way to much for my teachers salary.
Anyway, after all the talk, the crying, the "I love you" and "why" from both sides, I´ve hint him that we can still make things work if he is willing to give more of himself to the relationship. But I don´t get any reaction. He just cries and blames himself for everything. This is awfully painful, and I don´t want to leave but I can not continue living as a guest in his house with no future perspectives. Any thoughts?

Read: Why Men Marry B!tches by Sherry Argov to get more specs on his type of guy. She actually wrote Men's answers/viewpoints on this matter.

[Allie602]

Daniela73 when a man says he is not ready for a commitment and does not know if he wants to get married it is because there is something about you and him that he feels will not work out long-term. This is what he is telling you in a nice way so he does not hurt you. The message is confusing because he is crying and says he loves you but he does not want to be the bad guy but he does not love you enough to marry you. He is telling you the truth. That is the way men usually let a woman know that he has not found what he wants her.

Some woman stay around hoping that things will change but that never happens. They end up wasting time in a dead end relationship until he finds someone he can fall in love with and ask her to leave. Please don't let this happen to you, he is not worth one more moment of your time.

He will let you stay if you insist but he will never commit to you. If you insist on staying after he has been honest with you you cannot blame him when he ask you to leave when he has fallen in love with someone else. He is not agreeing to work on things with you, it is you who insist upon ignoring what he is telling you, he is being very honest with you. Don't read into the situation what is not there. He is desperate not to hurt you and is sorry and that is why he is emotional but the feelings of love and the desire for a lasting relationship are just not there for you.

Leave with your dignaty, not when he is ready to move on to the next person. This is a learning experience for you not a failure, it's one you needed to have because you made many mistakes that you can avoid next time. My advice is: don't move in with a man unless you have a firm commitment and are months away from marriage, never stay with a man who treats you badly, he is telling you that he does not care enough about you to be nice. Never let a man get away with treating you disrespectfully. If you let him walk all over you, he loses respect for you and the chemistry dissipates because there is no challenge. He knows you will stay no matter what he does so he treats badly with impunity.

There is nothing wrong with you, in fact I think you are lucky to be getting rid of this man. You just have to take this experience to your advantage, don't get discouraged by it. You just found the wrong man and you stayed too long. Now you get to meet a man with the right chemistry for you and who cannot resist you and you him. You don't have to be too nice and compliant with men, they have thick skins. If they are not interested enough to stick around if you are a challenge and a little prickly, then they were not interest enough to begin with.

Being too nice is no way to cull out the men who are not good for you. I am never too nice, I don't let a man get away with treating me disrespectfully or not appreciating me because I know I am worth the trouble. I try to give back what I get, if he is worth the trouble. I have never had a problem attracting men or keeping one if the chemistry is right. So obviously, it works if you learn what to do to protect yourself. Since two very bad experiences in my teen years when I was too young to know not to trust until it is earned, I have not been abused or taken advantage of in any way. I learned quickly that giving too much and thinking that men think like me is a big mistake.