[deep_fear]

Sorry its so long..but if you have the time to read it and comment that would be great Thanks!

So me and my Fiancee have been together for 5 years . We have been living with each other for about one year. There has been ALOT of hard times in his family wich made things difficult for him. He had to move far away from home ( i moved with him...thats why we live together now) to help his family, anyway thats a long story..Point is...I love him so much I really do, and he loves me to...But is it possible that his hurt, sadness and angry could ruin our love? dont get me wrong he has a right to feel all these things..im being here for him as much as i can..but when i come to him and ask whats wrong and he says " leave me alown" or "i dont want to talk about it" ALL the time it gets fustrating..I tell him im there to help him and he tells me no one can help him...maybe im just to sensitive but he calls me a child or stupid somtimes and it really gets to me...I dont know if he is just taking his anger out on me becasue he is hurting or if he realy means the thingshe says....he has never touched/hurt me..he just says things to me that make me feel im not worthy of anything...and the sad part is alot of the times i think he is right when he tells me these things.....Sorry ladies and gents im just venting out alittle.there has been alot of little problems lately...

[pretzel]

First and foremost, without even mentioning what the issues with his family are, No body has the right to take their frustrations and angers out on anyone. Period, end of discussion.

To answer one of your questions, yes it's possible that his anger, hurt, etc. could very easily ruin your relationship. At some point, my first comment will become more than you will be able to handle and the next thing you know, there is an escalation and the relationship will be over. So yes, it's possible and right now, I'd say it's probable that that may actually happen.

Sometimes life throws us things that no matter how much we say we can handle, we can't. He needs to accept that even he has limits and limitations. Sometimes it takes someone else to show them that life becomes more organized and thoughts and emotions become more organized and rational with the help of professionals. First, I think he may need to see his doctor about a script for depression/anti-anxiety. Secondly, he would greatly benefit from counseling, simply because he needs to regain his perspective on his relationship with you and with his family or whatever stressors have come to the fore.

[oxy-moron]

Stress does make people behave badly. If he doesnt want to talk to you then it may reflect his personality and his own way of handling stress- which may be to just bottle it up. He will be saying unreasonably rough comments to keep you at an emotional safe distance.
Try to provide your support with physical touch- Massage- cuddles reassuring touch. This will help alleviate stress and boost your bond.
He will not be able to defend against it.
Good luck.

[deep_fear]

Thanks for commenting back pretzel and oxy-moron!...You know its getting to the point were HE is scaring me..he keeps saying that his life sucks and that he should not be alive and so on....He keeps saying things that almost sound like he wants to die somtimes...omg this scares me...and he 100% refuses to go to tharapy...Another thing..he is always telling me ( when we get in alittle argument) that " There are alot of better woman then you! and one day you will remember me when i find somone better"....this is his famouse line..and i tell him that i love him and why would he say that he is going to leave me...once i just told him " fine then find someone"...then he says "No YOU will make me go find someone"....so he is saying its my fault if he finds somone better b/c im so horibble.... ANYWAY....i dont know what to do still..do i keep putting up with this? or do i try changeing my self more..maybe i am the one...i just dont know at this point everything seems so messed up...
Thanks

[deep_fear]

another thing...im not the best person in the world just to let you all know..when i was younger i had to be on depression meds.( it was a long time ago but still)..But i got off of them cold turkey becasue my father takes them and i did not want to be like him and HAVE to take a pill to feel better....so you see this is why you could almost call me "weak" becasue im not sure if i really am being as horrible as he says or not...I'm trying with all my heart to help him and i tell him that..he tells me im just makeing it worse...then when i feel i need to back of when he tells me this he says im making it worse again...I feel like what ever i do i am wrong...i know he is hurting and i am trying to make the hurt less but when he tells me the world is agenst him includeing me..i wonder if leaveing would simply make it worse or better for him...i just want HIM to be happy..

[ren_07]

You quitting cold turkey on depression meds means weakness? Heck no. That's being incredibly strong.

You recogizing that you're dad has negative habits and actively doing things to prevent developing similar habits = strength.

You putting up with someone who's hurting you and not letting him effect your feelings for him = strength.

I'm willing to bet he's jealous of how you can handle the curve balls life throws at you while he wallows in his own issues and takes it out on you. I feel a lot of what he does is for attention. He obviously cares greatly for you if he was willing to ask you to spend/share his life with you. This is already showing him trusting and opening up to you. If his true intentions were to block you out or leave you, he wouldn't be talking of it so much and just DO IT.

Therefore, know that you have some leeway to work with here as far as what you put up with. I think he says those crappy things to make you stay bc he's making it seem like it would be your fault if his problems got in the way of the success of your relationship which you shouldn't buy into for a second.

That being said, I know you're strong enough to put your foot down. Marrying into a lifetime of this behavior because you love him and don't want to aggregate him further will be pure misery and take its toll on you. I'm not saying leave him, but you can either try and boost his moods to make the relationship happier as suggested above (although I don't see that working well since he seems insistent that you need to feel bad rather than him having real problems to put aside) or give him space and distance yourself from him emotionally since he's keeping you at arms length. He'll notice I promise. He relies on your persistence so he can shut it down, so if you no longer persist, he wont have that outlet. Just act aloof, let him stew, do your thing.

[deep_fear]

Thank You ren_07

I know, i have been trying to lay low and do what he asks by not talking to him or "leaveing him alown"..but its so hard..We live together see each other all day..how can you not talk..I'll ask him if he wants to do somthing..he will tell me leave him alown he needs to think...( most of his alown him is on the computer )....just yesterday ( again) we were fighting..he said this " i know your not the right one for me but i love you"....then he huuged me and told me that i DID NOT love him...I told him that i did love him...but he kept saying the same things over again and also that I was a child and he needs a woman...It's becoming a daily thing were he complains or insalts me...I know im complaining alot, but were i am i DONT have friends...and any friend i ever did have ( back were i did live..its very far now) im not in contact anymore with..( when we first got together, me and my fiancee, he did not like the fact that my friends were mostly guys..i was kinda a tomboy hanging with guys alot..and any of the girls he did not approve of and made it clear by saying " if you go to Sam's house it means you dont want to see me"....and things like " Fine go to her house you you are going to see other guys there and cheat on me"...) so you see this is why i am emptying my heart out on this website lol..forgive me everyone..Thank you for the support! any more advice is 100% welcome

[pretzel]

I'll refer to my response of a week ago,

my opinion hasn't changed.

Nothing you've said in your last post has changed except that it's getting worse.

[deep_fear]

He wont go to tharapy..iv been trying that for a year..he 100% wont go...he wont talk to me or anyone. ( about the problems he has to go throw now)...Yes pretzel is is getting worse..week by week..I need to come up with somthing soon, i'm trying everything people are suggesting on the post Thank you all

[mymirrose]

I see alot of him shifting the blame onto you. First, he alienated your friends, had you move away from everything & everyone you know, now he is on the computer, saying he needs to think, telling you it is your fault if anything goes wrong, you don't love him, etc. If you are able to, start doing things for yourself, that make you happy. Get out, go for walks, go to a book store and browse with a cup of coffee (you don't have to buy anything, just hang out) He will probably be upset that you are doing things with out him, but he told you to leave him alone to "think". So do that, you deserve to be productive, even if he isn't.