[deep_fear]

Thanks for all the advice everyone....So i'v been trying to get out more..by simpley takeing more walks....ect. Im going to try not to focuse all my energy and emotionson HIM....But it's hard when just keeps happened....EX: we had a problem before with Porn..he goes in the b-room and when he comes out ( if he forgets to erase it ) there would be pron all on the cp...or like this morning..i turned on the tv and there was porn all over it...he told he he was checking the channels to see if they worked ( he owns a cabble buisness)..but this is not the first time and i would like to belive him but i dont...i tell him yaya i belive you...but i am ****ed, ( from one of my last emtries on here...our sex life is not the best at the moment and him watchin porn instead of being with me makes me feel insucure and angry)...pluse we have been fighting..I want to do things in my life ( go to school again)..and he is telling me its a wast of money b/c i will fail b/c im stupid.....he IS right in a way I NEVER did good in school as a highschooler....i always made bad choices..but i want to try again..he tells me i dont have modivation and if I fail the class he will break up with me....but after he said it he took it back ( like 20 min later) and said he was sorry...there are so many mixed emotions.....i hate it b/c he is right im not good at school and i fail at alot of things...but is it really nice of him to remind me? why not support my dreas no maker how silly....
Thanks all!

[deep_fear]

sorry my spelling is really horrible.....

[mymirrose]

Alot of people don't do well in high school, but college is a whole different atmosphere. You will be studying what you are interested in. Don't let him make you think you cannot do this, you can.
Think about this also, even though it is hard, Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doen't "lift you up" with any idea you have have of bettering your situation, but instead puts you down and says you cannot do it? You can do anything you set your mind to, putting up with what you have shows how strong you are, so channel that strength into yourself.

[deep_fear]

I would never put up with this stuff he is doing to me..but the only reason i am is because he is going throw a hard time..and he never ust to be this bad....he has always been kinda controling as far as makeing me feel bad about spending time with my friends or even watching tv with my parents....but this is not like that its totaly different...its like everyday i wake up and think " ok now what did I do wrong"... its a hard spot...iv been thinking about this for about a year now..I guess i cant let him go i love him so much...i know that sounds messed up..

[deep_fear]

another thing...there has been times when he had fights is the past were i called him controlling...so now his famouse line to me is that im controling to just becasue I ask when he will be back when he goes out...and im also a "spy" becasue i found porn on the computer.....and about 2 years ago i was also a spy for finding a convorsation with with and another girl...talking about sex...but like all the rest he said it was not true...lol

[pretzel]

I think it's time for you to sit down and write,

He does this and that, but I love him.

I love him because he does this and that for me.

Lets see which list is longer.

[mymirrose]

I agree pretzel. Make the list. Think about this also, people are put under pressure for a lot of things, it sounds like whatever he is going thru now is just another excuse to treat you like this. It really isn't your job to be his verbal punching bag.

[WildChild]

Here's the start of your list:

He calls me a child or stupid somtimes and it really gets to me

He keeps saying things that almost sound like he wants to die somtimes

.Another thing..he is always telling me " There are alot of better woman then you! and one day you will remember me when i find somone better"

once i just told him " fine then find someone"...then he says "No YOU will make me go find someone"

i know he is hurting and i am trying to make the hurt less but when he tells me the world is agenst him includeing me.
we were fighting..he said this " i know your not the right one for me but i love you"....then he huuged me and told me that i DID NOT love him...I told him that i did love him...but he kept saying the same things over again and also that I was a child and he needs a woman..

It's becoming a daily thing were he complains or insalts me.

i DONT have friends...and any friend i ever did have ( back were i did live..its very far now) im not in contact anymore with.

we had a problem before with Porn..
like this morning..i turned on the tv and there was porn all over it
our sex life is not the best at the moment and him watchin porn instead of being with me makes me feel insucure and angry

.I want to do things in my life ( go to school again)..and he is telling me its a wast of money b/c i will fail b/c im stupid.

i want to try again..he tells me i dont have modivation and if I fail the class he will break up with me

he has always been kinda controling as far as makeing me feel bad about spending time with my friends or even watching tv with my parents..

everyday i wake up and think " ok now what did I do wrong".

about 2 years ago i was also a spy for finding a convorsation with with and another girl...talking about sex...but like all the rest he said it was not true

There are so many red flags here I can hardly see anything else.

There is a song that comes to mind, Run, run, run, run away.

[FortunsFoole]

I am so so sorry that this person you love so much treats you this way.

The list is a great idea... and WildChild took some excellent points to give a good start. Maybe mull them over next time your out on your alone time.

How much more can you give to a person that keeps getting worse? Keeps beating you down with words? Who is refusing your love... actually seems to be putting Effort into damaging you emotionally?

How much does this man make you believe he loves you down to your soul? How much does he lift you up.. give you support? When does he make you feel just overall great being you? I can't imagine being able to hold myself together... giving ALL of myself to this person, trying so hard to help him get better, when his words and behavior just end up escalating. When he becomes more hurtful.

I am awed by your ability to be able to stick around through all this... to be willing to devote your life to him and this escalating behavior.... but...

What about you??
What do you need from someone you are going to spend your life with? How does that person need to make you feel? How much do you need to feel loved and appreciated by that person? Does he give you those feelings?

Everyone has their limits on what they can and can't handle. Things shift from being stable to unhealthy. It's OK when you find that point. You're not stupid.. you're not a failure.... if anything, HE'S failing you, he's Been failing you. Changing for the worst.. instead of better. There's only so much you can do to try and save him... but it doesn't sound like he wants to be saved. He pushes you away when you try and belittles you instead. There's no saving someone who doesn't want to be saved. If it's already gotten worse.. and this has been ongoing for years.... chances are it's going to continue down the same path he is Choosing to follow.

Are you ready to marry into this?

[deep_fear]

HIM
Pro's : He hugs and kiss's me every day and tells me how much he loves me. He is supporting me in another country were I can't work at the moment or speak the language( need work visa). Before we lived together he would come to my house every weekend ( 3 hr drive) just to see me. He always got me amazing gifts that had alot of love in to it. He can say the sweetest things sometimes. When ever he calls me names or we fight he takes it back later saying its not true and he is sorry. he helps me to try learning math.


Con's : He calls me stupid. sex is not the best this last year. reminds me thats i am a girl and not a woman. tells me that he could find a better woman. he tells me that " I know your not right for me, but i love you". he had told me during many fights that "its over"..but then takes it back. he in salts me alot of my ability to do things or take care of my self. he blames me if HE finds another woman better then me.

MY CON's : I still have not learned the languag in the country we are in. Im not good at cooking. i never when to college. I was always i slow learning. Im kinda a tom boy ( grew up in the woods) so i dont dress as a woman should probably. ( somtimes jeans and a t-shirt is fine with me but not with others around me as i found out...) im not to social with his family, i try, but when everyone is speaking another language and I am the only one not understanding its hard. I dont try hard enouph to communicate, most of the time I just have trained my body to space out as people move and talk around me. Im not good at adjusting to city life. im to shy. I come from a poor family. I always did work out side, now im like a "house wife" and im not that great at being orginazed.......

oh the list goes on and on lol..
Im gonig to write another list with pros and cons..see im i come to somthing good out of all of this. Thanks