[Guest]

Not a clue about being a non sexual person while dating at all. As a matter of fact the first night I was here, I wanted to sleep in the basement. It had been 10 years for her, I think she said as I recall. I didn't want our relationship to be based on just sex. It was my intent to start off slow as I had just gotten a divorce from my 2nd wife. I wanted to go slow, v e r y slowly. She took me by the hand and lead me into her bedroom. It wasn't my idea, it was her's. I should have stood my ground looking back now. I should have slept in the basement. My last marriage ended because she cheated on me and that I cannot forgive from anyone. I know I said things when I first came on here, but I was hurt and I guess I said things I didn't mean or even want to do. Last evening, she and I were talking, in the middle of the conservation she picked up a magazine and got irritated at me because I was talking to her and she was interested in the article she wanted to read. I guess my thoughts were worthless to her. After getting shut down, I shut down, I clammed up and wouldn't even look at her. I just sat there at the kitchen table looking away from her. She asked if I wanted more coffee- no response. She apologized- no response. I've heard it all before just for it to happen again in the next 10 minutes. Finally I gave in and started talking to her again. After awhile, things got better- I gave in again. Things before bed got better, as we laid in bed, I described the things I would like to do for her and that she might enjoy. As in my mouth in certain areas that would drive any other woman crazy. She got disgusted and I got the cold shoulder again. I enjoy doing things for women that makes them grab the back of my head and pull my face in closer and pull my away briefly. Just talking about it gets me going. Yes, both my hands are on the keyboard... for now! I try... only to get pushed away. I have been still doing the dishes and other housework. I plan to keep doing it no matter what happens. It's only right that I work around here.
I am going to completely back off, just keep to myself and keep on doing what I'm doing. It's tough at best.

[WildChild]

You aren't following the plan. You are sabotoging it if you are talking about sex and all the things you want to want to do. This does not make her feel that you love HER it makes her feel that you are trying to manipulate her into sex and that sex is what you care about.

[stariana]

If I may, why are you still with this woman? I understand financial dependency, as I just ended a hostile marriage of 16 years, and at least 10 of those I stayed with him due to finances. But, as I read your many, many posts, I just sit and wonder why? Why, as a loving, caring, devoted man, you would take the rejection over and over. Others tell you to give more, show more, do more. You have. You do. And you will. But is she willing or even aware that she, too, needs to give back. Give back something. Anything. It sounds to me as though she knows she has you jumping through hoops, doing trick after trick for her amusement. And she holds all the cards. You say you "love" her. Can I ask what exactly do you love? This just makes me curious. From what you say, there is a lot more to you than she wants.... in many aspects of life. If your son is growing up in a household that his father is rejected, disrespected, and basically the maid/chef, THAT is what he will see his role in life to be as well. Is that what you want for your son? BE his example. Sorry, I hope I'm not out of line here. But, children will absorb it all, and reflect that as they turn into adults. This is sad for him. AND you.

[Guest]

Somehow, I always seem to mess things up. I do love her very much, I don't see how she couldn't see it or feel it. I try everyday to show her, I even made her a coffee to go this morning, made and packed her lunch after I made her favorite breakfast- pancakes. How on earth could a woman not feel loved in this environment? I still just don't understand how she couldn't feel loved and appreciated. Yes, I was a lousy, lazy guy before but I didn't love her any less. I guess she thought I didn't care through not helping out around here. Far be it from me to say I understand the female mind and all of it's intricasies(sp?).
I thought there was still one tiny warm coal in the old fire, I figured wrong I guess. I think it went completely out. Maybe she just wants out of this marriage and knows I don't haave any other place to go. Yet, she says she loves me. From my experience with women, they can say they love you, make love with you and the next morning hate you with a vengense(sp?). I just don't understand it- If this doesn't work out, I'm a hermit from there on out. I'd rather die alone and wanting, needing and craving love than to live like this again.

[Guest]

If I may, why are you still with this woman? I understand financial dependency, as I just ended a hostile marriage of 16 years, and at least 10 of those I stayed with him due to finances. But, as I read your many, many posts, I just sit and wonder why? Why, as a loving, caring, devoted man, you would take the rejection over and over. Others tell you to give more, show more, do more. You have. You do. And you will. But is she willing or even aware that she, too, needs to give back. Give back something. Anything. It sounds to me as though she knows she has you jumping through hoops, doing trick after trick for her amusement. And she holds all the cards. You say you "love" her. Can I ask what exactly do you love? This just makes me curious. From what you say, there is a lot more to you than she wants.... in many aspects of life. If your son is growing up in a household that his father is rejected, disrespected, and basically the maid/chef, THAT is what he will see his role in life to be as well. Is that what you want for your son? BE his example. Sorry, I hope I'm not out of line here. But, children will absorb it all, and reflect that as they turn into adults. This is sad for him. AND you.

I love her the way she used to be, that person I once knew so well. I love the mother of my son and I respect her. As time goes by, things just don't get any better and I know it's going to take longer than I figured it would. I jump through the hoops and entertain her due to my love and respect for her. I'm a very sad man, maybe even depressed over all of this. Not even maybe depressed, I am depressed over it. I cry everyday when I'm alone. She has no idea how much I truly hurt over it all. Love isn't supposed to turn out this way. Broken hearted and tears falling, here I sit trying to be her man. Kind of hard to carry someone to blissfulness when you are just dying inside. How long until my light of love goes out? I don't know the answer to that question. I guess it's all about her happiness, I'm just the guy in the marriage from her perspective. I never dare ask, "What next?" I don't think I could ever go through this again if it falls through. I never get a response from her other than the kisses the other day. It's like I try to work hard to make her happy while I'm pushed away.
Why am I still here? That's easy, I grew up without my dad being around. We never bonded as father and son. I've been rejected many times in life, it's just what happens to me. I have always tried only to get the boot in my teeth. I've been everyone's farm hand, helper or the guy to depend on. I'm the guy you can turn away and I come to help when I'm needed. My life has been rejection after rejection and I just keep coming back for more.
No, I'm not having a pity party. I'm just looking back over my life for the first time and this is all I see. I'm the guy to call when their butt is flat on the ground and nobody else will respond. You know, I remember my own mom telling me that she was tired of being a mom and had her own life to live, I was 12- I moved in with my Grandparents when I turned 13. There I was the farm hand. At 14 and 15 I spent with my dad in Tennessee again a farm hand. I moved back to Missouri and got a night job as a welder and went to school during the day. I lived on my own at 15.

Sorry so long, just so many feelings to deal with on such a short time span and it just all became clear to me. I'm just someones free helper, no matter how I'm treated, that's my life.

[WildChild]

Given this history growing up I can understand why you want to be there for your son. You know what it is like not to have your father there for you as a child and young man. You must get over the mind set that rejection is all you get. When we carry something like that, very unconsciously we make choices that continue to make it true.

I said you sabotoged what you were trying to accomplish, a good response to that would be that you went with your gut and were honest that you want to love her; emotionally and physically. It's not like you got down on your knees and begged for sex. It may be that your words will sink in, someone else may make a comment or she will read something or a line in a movie, will reinforce what you said and she will start to realize what she has. But keep in mind that someone who is defeated, who is down on themselves, who has low self esteem, is not attractive to someone who has good self esteem. People who are down tend to draw users, abusers and controllers.

Start trying to look at things differently. You can't work in your field, can you find ways that this might be pushing you into doing something different? Lets face it, hard core construction work beats you up. Very few people can stay in that game until they reach what we consider retirement age. Right now aside from being with your son, you aren't were you want to be. I do take exception to the idea presented that you are being the, "maid/chef", as if there is something negative in a father taking care of the home front. in my mind it would be even more negative if you were just sitting on your fanny, letting your wife bring home the paycheck, do the cook and the washing up. This a matter of attitude, do what ever you do with pride and care. If you scrub a toilet, do the best job, if you bake biscuits, learn to make the lightest fluffiest ones, just as you make sure your welds not only hold but look neat.

You are in pain on several levels but you have time right now to explore new options. What can you do? Can you take some classes? Learn some new skills? Could you teach your trade to others? You can keep working on your relationship and some point it will become apparent that you are making progress (that will take more than a month or two ) or not and you will have to make a choice as to staying or moving on, but you need more going on. This can't be your only focus. You have many years ahead, what are you going to do ? Aside from relationship issues?

[Guest]

What sucks is the IBS - some days 4-5 out of 7 I'm stuck at home and can travel only to my son's school- 3 miles. Some days I can't even make it back home. I do welding here at home as a hobby and I tinker with my old tractor. I cut wood here for the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts to use on their campouts. They come and pick it up. I teach survival skills at my home to these kids, as my restroom is just up the stairs. My main focus is on my fire rings I make.

Update... I did get a love txt today. That made my whole day. I just got it. She said that she loves me and that I'm the best part of her life. Makes me cry to hear that from her as she isn't very free with her feelings.

[WildChild]

A few days ago it was some really good kisses too.
You are seeing progress. Compared to say, a month ago?
You've said she isn't very open with her feelings, think of what you are accomplishing! It is possible that you could not only see your sex life return but if you create a good foundation, you may have a more open and loving woman? Is that possiblity worth taking it slow and being patient?

[oxy-moron]

Hey Wild Child is 100% correct- in my opinion she would make a great life coach.
You sabotaged yourself. The sex idea has to come form her. You need to do the things that trigger the drive in her.

I think you also need to work through your IBS issues.
They can be bought under control quite quickly if you know the issue.
The problem with IBS is your intestinal flaura. What causes is it is sugars and simple carbohydrates in your diet with a high level of an organism called Candida Albicans.
This Candida turns the sugars into a form of alcohol and Carbon Dioxide- much like a beer is made. Once the population of Candida gets out of control it turns into a fungal phase and eat sits way through your intestine walls so it can repopulate the rest of your body. This drives your immune system into overdrive and causes your intestines to provide more mucous.

To fix it I suggest you go to the library to get a book called the Yeast connection.
It is by Dr William Crook. The guy worked the whole thing out many years ago.
He has dietary guidelines and plans to fix the issue.
Problems may get initially worse because of Candida die off but this typically only last a few days. There is a lot of info on the web about it.
Start by cutting out bread and sugar (and fruit for a few weeks as well).
Do mainly Meat and Veg for a while.

If you can get your hands on some naturally brewed Apple Cider Vinegar a couple of table spoons in a cup of water once a day will help as well.

[ItsASecret]

What causes is it is sugars and simple carbohydrates in your diet with a high level of an organism called Candida Albicans.
This Candida turns the sugars into a form of alcohol and Carbon Dioxide- much like a beer is made. Once the population of Candida gets out of control it turns into a fungal phase and eat sits way through your intestine walls so it can repopulate the rest of your body. This drives your immune system into overdrive and causes your intestines to provide more mucous.

And by C. albicans you mean the synergism of the hundreds of other actual normal microbiota flora at play right? Particularly Lactobacillus spp., Enterococcus faecalis, Bifidobacterium spp. and so forth. But getting a hold on IBS for at least a little while would work wonders as it would prevent a lot of general stress that can be a cause for different day to day behaviors. Being super stressed because of IBS flaring up and yet still frustrated over the wife situation can really put a damper on a person and maybe make them do or say things they would not intentionally say. And then the reverse of the stress leading to another IBS flare up. I could not imagine the frustration of everything.