[miffed23]

I am normally a very positive, upbeat and active person and when we come back to each other he knows this so I don't know where the I'm so emotional accusations are coming from which then lead me to apologizing for things to make him feel better.

Re-read this, it speaks volumes.

He is simply trying to make you feel like all this is your fault. Twisting things into making you believe that he is right. He is manipulating your character so that you become weak and helpless. You mention that its like youre being put through a constant test, spot on. This is what he is doing, its a game to him, great fun, clever, sly, vindictive....

it was always on his time and he knew I would cancel and jump to him for anyone because who knew the next time I would actually get to spend real time with him.

Good, you are using past tense. Make a conscious effort from now, not to do this. You'll be helping him. You are his little puppet on a string, what fun he has with you, it is difficult to hear and I apologise if I am coming across harshly but you have done the hardest thing, now all you need to do is stay on track and keep away. Dont worry about him, I bet he is not worrying about you in the slightest. You not having any contact with him might just be the wake up call that he needs.

Keep strong. Did it help thinking of negative things?

[notbroken]

yes, I think it is helping me not deny how bad he treated me. I'm having hard boughts of crying while driving or walking through the grocery store. I'm trying to be strong and I hate feeling like such a victim.

[notbroken]

and I really appreciate all the help. it's good to hear these things even if they become the harsh reality of the situation.

I was even thinking I can't wait until he caves in and calls me but then again if I saw his name pop up on my phone it would give me massive anxiety and I would end up crying.

[miffed23]

Just bear in mind that emotional abuse sets up a dynamic where the victim comes to believe that they are to blame and that they must work harder to fix the problems (such as improving the relationship.) This never works because the problem is not the victim; the abusive behaviour is the problem. Nothing you do will change that. No matter how nice and accommodating you are, nothing that you do will change an emotionally abusive persons behaviour. In fact, many people get even more aggressive when you try to make it better, because they sense that you think it's your fault, and this confirms their own beliefs!

Write down all the horrible things that he has said to you and counter each one with the truth. Catch yourself if you find that you are putting yourself down. Take a breath, and remind yourself that you don't want to do that anymore, that you don't deserve to be hurt, and that you want to think of yourself differently.

No matter what youve been told or how youve been treated, you are worthy of love and respect. The more you know this, the less likely you will be to accept disrespectful or abusive behavior towards yourself or others. You should not have to take emotional abuse from anyone - no matter what the excuse. You deserve to be treated well.