[WildChild]

What are you going to do about it?
You can't change her, all you can change is what you do, how you respond, what you are willing to live with.
You can tell her what you want and are willing to accept but you cannot compel her to listen or respond positively. Are you prepared to be clear and to end the relationship kindly if that is what will be required to get what you need to be in a healthy place?

[pretzel]

What are you going to do about it?
You can't change her, all you can change is what you do, how you respond, what you are willing to live with.
You can tell her what you want and are willing to accept but you cannot compel her to listen or respond positively. Are you prepared to be clear and to end the relationship kindly if that is what will be required to get what you need to be in a healthy place?

Right now, am I willing to end it, no I don't think so. But will I try to stop her if she wants out, not I'm not. It's the realization that I'm not so sure how much more to give.

But I also know you and I have many conversations of this same very nature. Everyday it seems like you've been right all along.

[WildChild]

Right now, am I willing to end it, no I don't think so. But will I try to stop her if she wants out, not I'm not. It's the realization that I'm not so sure how much more to give.

Are you waiting for her to end it?
She may not. If she sees no problem with this situation then it is YOUR problem.

You need to do some digging. Are you taking this approach to avoid being the "bad" guy? If so you may need to rethink it. Reframe it as needing to avoid being the door mat guy.
Can you set some time limits?
Tell her that you are not willing to continue like this, that she needs to deal with any possible medical/health issues, that this needs to happen within the next couple months and dependent on the results of that, either take steps to correct what is out of balance or (if it isn't "medical") get into counseling. If nothing positive changes in the next 4 - 6 months you will be filing for separation. Let her know that you are serious and that if she wants to just continue to float along like this that is her choice but it isn't yours. She may make a token effort to placate you but if you don't see real, consistent effort and progress, be prepared to chalk this up to an experience that has run it's course.

Many times people come into our lives and we have something to offer each other, things to learn, growth and then its time to move on, one or both are not developed enough to continue to grow in that relationship. Then the lesson we have to learn may be in recognizing and moving on gracefully, which is something few of us master fully.

I have a beloved family member who has been dealing with this sort of situation for over 20 YEARS. We talk about it, he expresses his frustration and pain and I listen and empathize. They are both great people, whom I love dearly. Fantastic people. But they just aren't sexually/emotionally connected anymore. They have children (now all in their 40s) together and family and friends of a lifetime but they don't share anything else. It is frustrating to see. I want to always have them both in my life but I'd like to see them both truly happy and they aren't.

How long are you going to do this to yourself?

[rcoreyus]

This can be a very difficult problem to discuss. The person asking for more sex can be made to feel like some sort or pervert / sex fiend. If its been going on a long time, they can get the response: "I've always been like this, why are you bringing this up now". There are some phrases that are built into our society:

"you are leaving him / her just because they won't have sex often enough?"

"No one should have sex if they don't want to".

If you do manage to get past these, one likely response (the one I've gotten) is "OK, I'll try". The problem of course is that generally you don't want you partner to "try". or to "put up with it", you want your partner to actively enjoy sex, and to enjoy pleasing you.

I think there is a very fundamental issue: some people just don't want sex. If you find out early in a relationship, you can leave, but if its been years (or decades), you will have grown to love that person and leaving them is just to difficult for both of you. The problem would be solved if it were socially acceptable to have sex outside of marriage, but is just isn't.

[WildChild]

This can be a very difficult problem to discuss. The person asking for more sex can be made to feel like some sort or pervert / sex fiend. If its been going on a long time, they can get the response: "I've always been like this, why are you bringing this up now". There are some phrases that are built into our society:

"you are leaving him / her just because they won't have sex often enough?"

"No one should have sex if they don't want to".

If you do manage to get past these, one likely response (the one I've gotten) is "OK, I'll try". The problem of course is that generally you don't want you partner to "try". or to "put up with it", you want your partner to actively enjoy sex, and to enjoy pleasing you.

I think there is a very fundamental issue: some people just don't want sex. If you find out early in a relationship, you can leave, but if its been years (or decades), you will have grown to love that person and leaving them is just to difficult for both of you. The problem would be solved if it were socially acceptable to have sex outside of marriage, but is just isn't.

This is all true but its also justification and excuses.
Nothing will change until you change it.

[stressed]

Take control of your own life and don't wait for others to make the right choice for you instead. You've given her time, you've expressed your reasonable frustration, you've tried. Expecting anything more is equal to expecting a miracle to happen or create one yourself. The odds of you having a healthy sex life for the rest of your life with this woman are against you. You either continue hoping for a miracle, or you take control of the situation. Your sex life doesn't depend on your wife from this point and on, but on you. You don't have to blame her either, it's how she is, it's who she turned into over the years, and she hasn't even made the effort to change this. She ignores it or shows you that she does hoping you'll accept her this way. That's where she stands. But where do you stand? You have to pick a side and stick to it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Pretzel,

You are young like me You have the most gentle face and beautiful smile. I can imagine all the love you've poured into this, the attempts and the nicety about it all, all the way...

The time when I draw the line, see clearly and no longer want to try, is when I am lied to... Then it all makes sense, everything is clear and as Sahara said, " I don't even like you" comes to thoughts, it all changes.

There is nothing wrong with giving 100% in-fact I rally on that...Because until you have given 100% and not received back in return, instead been outed, controlled, abused even as a person, ignored, it's only then that you can realise that you've tried.

No, you shouldn't leave or give up just because you are not getting the amount of sex you want in a relationship, but common, seriously, years of " I'd like to get it back" and no attempt what so ever to find a way to do so, leaving your partner fighting in belief, yet there can't be a belief because one person refuses to budge, do anything, yet claims that they wish they could, is pointed in all directions but is not willing to persue any of them, why should anyone feel that it's their fault? One has given 100% and the other has "lied" claiming to want to but has never taken any advice, tried, attempted to find, just totally ignored, that's not about not giving enough sex.. That's about telling someone what they want to hear and doing nothing about it in my opinion.

Pretz, I know it's not "sex" in any event that you are after, it's bonding, intimacy, the eyes smiling and meeting each other, the holding after, the love....

We've never wasted years, it only ensures what we know for future what we will and won't accept. You can't change someone, if you've given your 100% to nil, it will continue that way.....

You deserve the bonding that you crave for. I think with all you've done, you have a sound knowledge of how to keep a relationship together in love, with love and I know the right woman would crave for that type of understanding that she is not getting herself, she's out there...

Take heart.

X

[rcoreyus]

You are right. Sometimes though life is a tradeoff and you need to decide between staying in a relationship with someone you love, but with no sex life, and finding a different relationship. Neither of those will make you happy, but one may still be preferable to the other. Sometimes you just need to acknowledge (to your self) that this is the choice you are making.

This is all true but its also justification and excuses.
Nothing will change until you change it.

[WildChild]

You are right. Sometimes though life is a tradeoff and you need to decide between staying in a relationship with someone you love, but with no sex life, and finding a different relationship. Neither of those will make you happy, but one may still be preferable to the other. Sometimes you just need to acknowledge (to your self) that this is the choice you are making.

BUT if the choice causes you so much frustration and pain, is it the right choice?
That is what you really have answer.

[pretzel]

BUT if the choice causes you so much frustration and pain, is it the right choice?
That is what you really have answer.

WC, I think this is where I'm at now. My ex and I went through similar battles with our sex life and it wasn't fun and part of our splitting was the fact that when she lost her sex drive I took it as a sign that it because of me and how I was in that relationship. It wasn't the whole reason nor necessarily the main reason but none the less, it played a role.

When I met my wife the chemistry was instant and powerful. It seemed like we were perfect for each other even though our personalities differed. The bond and the passion we both admitted was the one thing that was claringly missing from both of our previous marriages was the thing that I really thought was the glue that would continue to be strong. That's why this hurts so much and which has compounded all the other issues.