[yzf0600a]

So, hi all,
Just needed some place to say some things. No matter what steps I take I can not find away out of the house! It very depressing and lonely. The odd thing, my wife does not have a clue. She hasn't even asked why we are not trying to work though our issues (not that I want to) or for that matter ask how I am doing. Giving the fact that when we told her that I wanted a divorce she was the one that asked if we could try one more time. I am going to counseling still and though she attended about 2 sessions of her own has not continued with any more sessions. This feeling of have no reasonable options as for getting out and the fact that I could loose my job almost at anytime is making things very tough. I am told that we are not making enough money to keep me, if things don't change soon I will have to be let go. I have been at this job for 24 years now.
I went to see the doctor yesterday for my 50 year old physical and was told that I am moderately depressed and prescribed an anti-depressant. I filled the script butI'm going to talk to the counselor tonight to see what she thinks. Also found out that i have 2 hernias in my stomach that will require surgery.

I must say that the one thing that helps me a lot is my 13 year old. We go to the theme parks, he comes to work with me, I take him to scouts and when the bike is running to races. He is missing a good chance for fun because I didn't get his bike running in time. He was going to GA. to ride with some friends for about 4 days in the mountains and woods. I just couldn't get going on it. So instead of working on the bike I took him to his other favorite place the theme Sea World and Universal. We had annual passes to Universal and now have them for Sea World and Aquatica. I do still very bad about him missing his trip though. It only happens once a year and last year was his first.
I have been excersising since about March regularly and watching what I eat, so I managed to loss about 45 lbs, but this is getting interrupted as well. I fear that it may fall apart if things keep getting worse.
I used to be so happy and active. So I keep telling my self that this can't last for ever.
Thanks for letting me blabber on. I know I beginning to sound like a big wimp, and for that I apologize.
Y

[Stillness]

You don't sound like a wimp to me. You're struggling and working hard to do the right thing for your wife, your son, and yourself. That's manly.

[yzf0600a]

Thanks for the thought Stillness>
As I mentioned, my wife is not healthy physically. She has found out that she a lot of kidney stones. Since I wrote this last post, I just found out that one of them must of gotten stuck on the way out and she passed out from the pain and hit her head and knocking herself out for a short period of time. I called her at the hospital from work is how I found out what happened. She told me not to come and go to my counseling appointment with my youngest son. I am not in love with her and as discussed been very lonely in the marriage for most of it. We argue little quips with each other constantly. I want out and to be free. Now this happens and I feel like **** for wanting to leave her. I know she is not the one for me, but feel guilty for trying to get out especially when she is not doing well. How to find what I need and not feel **** for doing so.
My life is getting worse. See, even then, when I express what I feel I feel like **** with what she is going on. I do not hate her or anything and have always tried to take care of everything, her,family, house, bills, etc. How can I leave and not feel like ****, feeling like I am abandoning her. I do feel that if I don't take care of my self I will fall apart and not be able to take care of the boys. I hate not being happy, it sucks.
Thanks for the time.

[yzf0600a]

Ok, I guess the cat is out of the bag. I had been trying to not say anything about divorce until I was ready at least had a place to go, but this morning, it came out in a disagreement that I wanted a divorce. The first thing out of her mouth wasn't I love you can we work it, or I don't want a divorce why, but basically if you leave me I will end up living in nursing home with old lady's. Then later in the discussion she started saying she has been trying to change to make the marriage work. Does this sound right? I guess I would have thought that she would had something the about saving the marriage and first. As I think back, I don't remember her saying that she loved me, just that she wanted to stay married. I don't feel bad about leaving (it is what I need to do) but I do feel really guilty for hurting her. I am also very concerned about the boys; concerned about what she is going to say to them about this. In the past she has not been known to hold her words back. Another thing that is very scary to me is legal and financial aspect of this. Right now she doesn't realize what her rights are and I fear that once she does, she will take full advantage (as a vengeance) which will wipe me out financially and spiritually. A lot of my self respect is in the fact that I have been good at making all my payments and have descent credit after our bankruptcy about 12 years ago.
Since I don't have a place to live at the moment, so I am going to have to go back to the house to stay until I can figure something out. I don't know how well this is going to go?
Thanks for letting verbalize my feelings (again sounding wimpy).
Y

[stariana]

Here are a few thoughts while reading your posts: 1) you shouldn't feel guilty for "hurting" her. it doesn't sound like she is hurt at all. she wants a caretaker, not a husband. 2) as for your financial responsibility, while you may have to pay some alimony, she needs to look into help for herself, such as disability. If she is as intelligent as you claim she is, this should be a no brainer 3) as for your son, he should live with you, no questions asked. then there is no issue of child support. sounds like that's what he would want anyway : )

I was in a bad marriage, for waaayyyy toooo long, so I am speaking from experience. I thought I couldn't leave either, due to my children, my finances, my "poor" husband - yeah, well, I finally had had enough and told him it was over after 14 years - and guess what???? we all survived; financially, ya do what ya gotta do; as for my children, they are finally getting to know the "real" me, not the mom who cries and worries all the time, but the mom who has a smile on her face!; as for my ex, he survived to, and finally realizes that I was the one taking care of everything all along, now he is forced to stand on his own two feet and figure it out on his own. he is much more humble now.

you owe it to your son and to yourself - do what makes you HAPPY!