[Hugo-B]

I don't think reporting rape is necessarily the healthiest thing for a survivor to do. Get your name out there, get everybody's opinion on the situation who was never there, have to defend the truth until you're blue in the face, with no physical evidence, your word against your abuser's. Supposing the cops actually take you seriously, you get to go to court and have the defense attorney call you a slag and a liar and anything else he can do to make you look bad and blame you for the rape. No, thank you. Rape is harrowing enough already.

I wish the reality of reporting and prosecuting rape was very different. It's not, though. Stranger rape is only a tiny, tiny percentage of all rapes, but it's prettymuch the only prosecutable one.

They're all very good points; I read recently that the number of convictions for rape has dropped in the past (I think) ten years. Women who also make false allegations and then drop them have seriously affected this statistic. I think your case, rape within a relationship, would be the most difficult to prove and I would guess it has the lowest conviction rate.

[Hugo-B]

Little beat me to my response, but I'd like to add that even on the perpetrator's end, not reporting something to the police does not equal getting away with something. Things can be handled on a familial, congregational, or community basis - shaming, shunning, restricting privileges, etc.

Near where I live it was discovered last year that 11,000 rape kits had been shelved away going back 20 years without ever being touched. So after those women had been violated in the worst way, they had the presence of mind and courage to allow the police to gather this very intimate information. What did they do? Sit on it. It's a widespread issue in the States. This kind of thing is the very reason my cousin didn't want to deal with the system. It's unreliable and very rarely administers any real justice. Her daughter had been through enough.

What is a rape kit?

I think the damage to reputation and the shaming side way of dealing with things would be pretty devastating to someone at least within their immediate community, I think that would be a viable alternative to informing the authorities and would also have the effect which I thinks is critical, which is helping other people to take precautions in the way of protecting themselves from any future offenses.

[Stillness]

Little, I think that some individuals may think those things, but I don't think the culture as a whole does. I'm not one to defend the culture, but I'm not seeing it.

I don't understand raping someone and not knowing it. I know some people don't think it's wrong. Maybe they think their wife/girlfriend belongs to them so they don't need permission? My best friend growing up raped his girlfriend to punish her. I think he knew it was wrong, but just didn't care. She still wanted him. It's the same kind of mentality my father had when I was a boy. He told me he felt he had the right to hurt people. I can't wrap my mind around any of it because I'm not a violent person.

[Hugo-B]

Obviously, cases where both perp and victim are adults capable of consent are very different from cases where children get abused, and that's an important distinction when you're talking consequences.

About two years after the rape was when I confronted my former partner. He never realized he had done anything wrong (!) and never realized that what he did constituted rape (!!!!) or that I would react to it as rape. He was sorry, and his apology really did mean a lot. Now he has to live knowing he has seriously damaged another person (and maybe more, maybe my confrontation made him reassess other situation he'd been in.) And as he continues to live and probably continues to have sexual relations, due to my confrontation he will have a different idea of what constitutes consent and what to do if that consent is retracted.

I can imagine that my situation is not unique - that many rapists don't really comprehend that what they have done is wrong, and certainly not that it is rape. After all, don't we live in a culture that teaches us when women say NO, they really mean YES? A culture that wants women to be unwilling when it comes to sex? A culture that thinks sex is a reasonable way to pay back good deeds (help a girl move - she better give it up!) Certainly nobody here thinks that, and nobody WANTS to believe they think that on a conscious level, but listen to the jokes your friends tell and the situations that sound reasonable. Our culture as a whole is OKAY with rape when it happens between adults who know each other. Part of my healing has been fighting against that idea.

Stillness and Little: I do appreciate that I am 'on the outside looking in here', and as the 'Art of war' says, "it's easy to make plans for a battle you're not fighting in". I do respect your views here and appreciate that they are valuable since I am not directly affected by the subject in hand, my opinions are just that.

Little, I grouped sexual assaults into one when I was talking about attempting to bring justice (in the legal sense) to the victim and protect the public from future assaults, yes. I do believe it is the victims choice which course of action they take, and your post was very persuasive in making me understand how difficult it would be from the victims point when deciding whether or not to take legal action, especially since the chance of a conviction is low, and the prospect of public humiliation is virtually guaranteed. Though just the taint of an accusation can be devastating for the man too, though this is likely no consolation if the objective is to secure a conviction.

The definition of rape is sex without consent, I do not believe that the system protects rapists, it is that rape - especially in a relationship - is so difficult to prove. This can work in favor of the accused, but it is not designed to protect them. Sex without consent is wrong in any case and on any level, violating the body of another is vulgar and grotesque; the difficulty with rape is that it is a (perverse) form of sex, and sex usually takes place behind closed doors, typically making it 'your word against mine' type of case, precluding stranger rape. This is why women who make false accusations against men make me so angry, as I mentioned, the taint of an accusation can ruin a man's reputation permanently; not only that but these girls don't realize they are making it much more difficult for genuine victims to secure convictions against their attackers.

It would be equally unjust if the accused could be sent to prison and branded with the label 'rapist' for the rest of their life simply by having an accusation made against them, I know that is controversial but there is simply no crime of which someone can be convicted of simply by an accusation.

Stillness' method of dealing with it in a community sense was not something I had considered (one of the things I do like about religion is that it promotes a strong sense of community amongst its followers) and would be effective in spreading the word in order to 'name and shame' the perpetrator and help people to protect themselves from future (if any) attacks. The only problem with this would be that the most obvious thing (to me) the perpetrator would do would be to leave the area, and move to where no one knows him, in which case the damage to reputation would only apply in his 'home town'.

[DreamP346]

I'm not one to defend the culture, but I'm not seeing it.

right here in the US, not that long ago, it was not illigal to rape a spouse. Here is some info from wikipedia. I know its not the best source, but I studied the same stuff in my sex and law class.

"Many United States rape statutes formerly precluded the prosecution of spouses, including estranged or even legally separated couples. In 1973, South Dakota removed this exception. In 1993, North Carolina became the last state to remove the spousal exemption."

Most states still have exemptions on this law and it is still considered a lesser crime than other types of rape.

[ItsASecret]

What is a rape kit?

It is the collection of fluids and fibers such as hair when someone has a gynecological exam after a rape has occurred. Basically collecting evidence. However because too many people are raped and laboratories cannot keep up with the demand for DNA test results, which can take days or weeks to process, most kits will remain on shelves sitting there degrading day after day. Then there is the issue of actually going to court and dealing with the actual "justice" portion of the ordeal. That is not an easy process. It is not the police not caring it is entirely because laboratories cannot keep up and the lack of speed with the judicial system. Build a ton more labs with more funding with better technology and the lab portion of things would move much quicker. But that type of funding will not happen so things are at a standstill.

[Hugo-B]

right here in the US, not that long ago, it was not illigal to rape a spouse. Here is some info from wikipedia. I know its not the best source, but I studied the same stuff in my sex and law class.

"Many United States rape statutes formerly precluded the prosecution of spouses, including estranged or even legally separated couples. In 1973, South Dakota removed this exception. In 1993, North Carolina became the last state to remove the spousal exemption."

Most states still have exemptions on this law and it is still considered a lesser crime than other types of rape.

It only became illegal to rape your wife in the UK in (I think) 1982. The Law also didn't really recognize child abuse until the late 1940's.

[Hugo-B]

It is the collection of fluids and fibers such as hair when someone has a gynecological exam after a rape has occurred. Basically collecting evidence. However because too many people are raped and laboratories cannot keep up with the demand for DNA test results, which can take days or weeks to process, most kits will remain on shelves sitting there degrading day after day. Then there is the issue of actually going to court and dealing with the actual "justice" portion of the ordeal. That is not an easy process. It is not the police not caring it is entirely because laboratories cannot keep up and the lack of speed with the judicial system. Build a ton more labs with more funding with better technology and the lab portion of things would move much quicker. But that type of funding will not happen so things are at a standstill.

I think the entire forensic science side of things is in this risible condition. Perhaps if the government stopped buying missiles and funding wars there would be more justice?

[Magnetism]

I'm glad someone mentioned how the court system doesn't always give victims what they want. I know that not everyone understands this issue, but it has been a pet peeve of mine when people think that you can just report abuse and everything will be happily ever after. I have consulted with lawyers out of curiosity, and they said:

1) There's not enough evidence for a strong case. He said/she said situations don't always work out in court, especially when the abuse happened 17 years ago.

2) The status of limitations have exceeded for me to report.



I have known several people that have invested time and energy into court prosecution only to have nothing done. I have heard of judges being on the abuser's side. Lawyers that have humiliated 16 year old incest victims and tried to make them look like the lying messed up teenager. I wish the general public knew how re-traumatizing the court process is for a victim. Little hit the nail on the head when you have to worry about being exposed to society and having to bear all of their opinions. Given how mentally beaten down a person already is from rape/incest, the last thing you want to deal with is people not believing you, asking you to repeat the details, and expecting you to defend your truth.

When I was being abused at age 12, do you know why I didn't tell anyone? Because nobody would have done anything if I told. I was in an unsafe place where there were no trusted or savvy adults to disclose to. I'm not just talking about my family, but I'm also talking about my school and the therapists that I saw. I was showing signs of a sexually abused child, but none of the adults seemed to recognize it. In fact, I was blamed for being the bad child and was told how loving and great my parents are. I lived in a wealthy and snobby area where the families and the school system cared more about money and reputation. They didn't want to admit that abuse could happen in their neighborhood.

Even today, many people would find it hard to believe how my charming and generous parents are capable of doing the things that they have done in the past.

My European ex wanted me to tell the entire Indian community in my parents' hometown about what my parents did. That's not something I'm comfortable doing ,especially when I know that most people probably wouldn't care and they would just shame the entire family (including me). Not only have I read articles in India about the police blaming incest/rape victims, but I also had an Indian ex-boyfriend blame me for my abuse and encouraged me to stay dependent on my parents. I'm not trying to say that all Indians are like this, but I wanted my European ex to understand that not all cultures are ready to support an incest victim.

[Stillness]

In 1993, North Carolina became the last state to remove the spousal exemption."

What that tells me is that 20 years ago NC was behind the times. Laws like this typically get changed as public sentiment is changing or more often after it's changed and there's public outcry.

Also, marriage is a unique relationship in which there is the expectation of sex. For spousal rape to be illegal says that other rape certainly is not OK. I'm open to the possibility that I'm out of touch, but I don't hear jokes about raping women. If people feel it's cool to do, then they keep their feelings quiet because they know that the larger society frowns on it.