[LisaW1991]

I am like a big sister to my 12 year old neice and we have a very close relationship, she's always felt comfortable telling me pretty much everything, and asking me questions she can't ask her mom (my older sister). When she was 10 I helped her buy her first bra, and we have and a few 'girl' talks about the basics of sex. She tells me about her friends and what they've been doing with boys, and we discuss it. Mostly she talks and I try to listen. About a couple weeks ago there was sudden leap forward, and she's telling me about a girl at school that has had sex a few times. I was a little bit skeptical because rumors like that tend to be false and just part of middle school drama. Each time we have talked since then she keeps telling about this girl and providing details like she has been in the room when the girl has had sex. My niece has asked some pretty intimate questions like "Is normal for a girl to get excited inside before a boy enters her?" and she describes getting sexually aroused, but has trouble finding the right words. She describes the boy having a huge erection (from her inexperienced perspective), and she asks me if its normal for boys to get so big. What she is mostly surprised is that he is able to put it all the inside the girl and the girl likes it. She describes the girl having "spasms" that feel amazing.

I am pretty sure she has been talking about herself having sex, but doesn't want to tell me (yet). She seems overwhelmed about it, she talks about the girl enjoying sex, but my neice is very puzzled and asks me to clarify\explain a lot of things. When I ask her what she thinks about it all, she really won't answer, and just wants me to help her understand sex.

I've suggested that maybe it would be helpful if the girl slowed down and didn't have sex for a while. My niece agrees that might be a good idea, but I made the suggestion previously, but it has happened since then.

[rcoreyus]

Make sure she understands the issues with STDs and pregnancy. A lot of young people pick up some things from the internet but are stunningly ignorant of some of the basics. One of the reasons that it is a bad idea for children to engage in sexual activity is that they are very bad at understanding the long term consequences of their actions.

[Harmony]

Make sure she understands the issues with STDs and pregnancy. A lot of young people pick up some things from the internet but are stunningly ignorant of some of the basics. One of the reasons that it is a bad idea for children to engage in sexual activity is that they are very bad at understanding the long term consequences of their actions.

This.

It is great that your niece is confiding in you. Whatever you do, do NOT judge her or tell her off like a child, or abuse her trust by telling her mother (unless you absolutely have to) since this will damage your relationship and she will not confide in you in the future.

If you do believe she is having sex (she may have just discovered porn or have been listening in on the 'older girl's chat', so she may not be having sex, or she may. If she is having sex and she's 12, that's statutory rape pretty much everywhere, so the boy/man is likely to get into a world of trouble, even if he's 12 too (though less if he is only 12). So that's something she should be aware of.

My guess is she's started big school recently or started mingling with an older group and has been involved in conversations about sex and wants to become more informed. She is also starting puberty isn't she? So it would make sense that her feelings are accompanied by these kinds of questions.

I'm guessing the pregnancy and STD chat is done with, so I won't bore anyone with repetition.

My guess is that she's been watching porn (after hearing conversations involving sex, that would explain the proximity thing) and is now trying to understand the mechanics. If she'd done it I think you'd be able to tell for sure straight away, hopefully your just being paranoid.

I can remember when I was about 13/14 and I started puberty. The problem I had for a long time (and that many teenagers have, though I think boys generally struggle more) is that my libido was fully developed while my body was playing catch, and my confidence, social skills, and emotional intelligence were playing catch up behind my body. In short I was a confused whir of raging hormones and my head didn't quite know how to process the feelings and emotions my loins were sending to my head. Of course girls are more vulnerable than boys in these circumstances since despite maturing faster they're likely to get mixed up with older boys (men 90% of the time being the ones who push for sex and girls having to deal with the immediate consequences of an accidental pregnancy).

I think right now you should just be there for her and make sure she doesn't ever feel like she can't come to you for advice/support. If she feels she can no longer come to you she'll go to her friends and that's when the blind start leading the blind - not good.

[jns]

Has your niece had sex education at school yet? If so, what did they teach?

[LisaW1991]

This.

It is great that your niece is confiding in you. Whatever you do, do NOT judge her or tell her off like a child, or abuse her trust by telling her mother (unless you absolutely have to) since this will damage your relationship and she will not confide in you in the future.

If you do believe she is having sex (she may have just discovered porn or have been listening in on the 'older girl's chat', so she may not be having sex, or she may. If she is having sex and she's 12, that's statutory rape pretty much everywhere, so the boy/man is likely to get into a world of trouble, even if he's 12 too (though less if he is only 12). So that's something she should be aware of.

My guess is she's started big school recently or started mingling with an older group and has been involved in conversations about sex and wants to become more informed. She is also starting puberty isn't she? So it would make sense that her feelings are accompanied by these kinds of questions.

I'm guessing the pregnancy and STD chat is done with, so I won't bore anyone with repetition.

My guess is that she's been watching porn (after hearing conversations involving sex, that would explain the proximity thing) and is now trying to understand the mechanics. If she'd done it I think you'd be able to tell for sure straight away, hopefully your just being paranoid.

I can remember when I was about 13/14 and I started puberty. The problem I had for a long time (and that many teenagers have, though I think boys generally struggle more) is that my libido was fully developed while my body was playing catch, and my confidence, social skills, and emotional intelligence were playing catch up behind my body. In short I was a confused whir of raging hormones and my head didn't quite know how to process the feelings and emotions my loins were sending to my head. Of course girls are more vulnerable than boys in these circumstances since despite maturing faster they're likely to get mixed up with older boys (men 90% of the time being the ones who push for sex and girls having to deal with the immediate consequences of an accidental pregnancy).

I think right now you should just be there for her and make sure she doesn't ever feel like she can't come to you for advice/support. If she feels she can no longer come to you she'll go to her friends and that's when the blind start leading the blind - not good.

Thanks for your advice. I am very much in agreement.

I agree that listening and not being judgmental is important because she feels she can come to me when she does have questions and problems. I don't tell my sister (her mother) about what we talk about because it wouldn't help. Its a much longer story, but I'll just briefly say that if my sister got involved she would just make things much worse. My sister is a good person, but she's doesn't know how to be a good mom.

Part of the reason I'm pretty sure my niece is talking about herself when she talks about "a girl having sex" is that the girl is very similar to my niece in age\size\development and describes things about sex that a girl can only really know about by having sex. Her reaction\surprise about having sex is very similar to my own experience, so I can relate to how sex is a bit overwhelming. I had sex during puberty too, my body loved having sex, but my mind was very confused. I had only seen a erection for the first time two weeks before, and couldn't believe that during sex he was able insert it fully inside me. For several more months I really had trouble mentally accepting my body was capable of having sex. My niece in a similar state of mind, she's really confused by powerful sexual feelings and her ability to have sex, at least that is the way she talks about "the girl who has had sex".

At school they have covered the basics about sex, STDs, and contraception. She is only in the 6th grade, so they don't go into more advanced topics unless the girls ask questions. In the 7th & 8th grades years, its covered in more detail. I've discussed it with her because she did have questions she didn't feel comfortable asking at school. What they don't discuss with 6th graders is sexual arousal and orgasms, which are things she confused\curious about. Until now she wasn't really aware her body was capable of having such strong sexual feels\desires. She has trouble even finding the right word to describe it. She equally curious about boys sexual arousal.

[jns]

I'm not convinced your niece is having sex yet, but if she isn't she is almost at that place. She could well have seen a boy's erection, from being with her friend (during show and tell) and the rest is from what her friend has told her and how her body has reacted to seeing the erection. If you were curious as to how much she knows, ask her about what happens after the boy is done. If she doesn't know about some of the messier things like semen dripping out for a while, she is unlikely to have had sex (she possibly could just forget to tell such details).

Nevertheless, this is a time to emphasize birth control and STD prevention. Can you give her condoms or will that cause a rift in family relationships? Even if you cannot give her them, make sure she requires any boy to use them or any sex is off of the table completely. Can you do demonstrations on how to put them on? Is that being taught in school?

Also explain relationships and what is needed to maintain them. Explain what it takes to raise a baby. Does she know about the 24 hour care needed and the lack of sleep by the parents during the first months? Does she know how having a baby can change her life and not allow her to get her education at the same time as her friends? Does she know that having a baby will change who are her friends and who are not?

[BabyGirl]

All that runs through my mind ( First Thoughts ) is She is 12 and you believe she may be having Sex ?
Just who is this 12 year old ( or her friend ) having sex with ?
And if it is the " Friend " why is the 12 year old in the room watching / if that is the case ? Or Even provided with the details that she does not have Personally but is told by the " Friend ".

I am like a big sister to my 12 year old niece and we have a very close relationship, she's always felt comfortable telling me pretty much everything and asking me questions she can't ask her mom (my older sister)

How old are You ?
How old is her Mother ?
Do you have any Daughters ( or Sons ) and how would you feel about Your Child possibly having Sex at 12 years of age and not being able ( willing ) to talk with you as the Child's Mother ?

As you said this may all be a " Question and Answer thing " JR. High/ Middle School stuff .. and she just may be watching a bit of " Porn " and asking if things are true or not (on the Videos).

But as RC said.

A lot of young people pick up some things from the internet but are stunningly ignorant of some of the basics. One of the reasons that it is a bad idea for children to engage in sexual activity is that they are very bad at understanding the long term consequences of their actions.

You are her Aunt and it is excellent that you are close and there for her .

But at 12, she should be getting her " Talk " and Advise and Rules of Acceptable Behavior from her Mother and Father ( if there ).
She needs to be able to tell her Mother and if there for her(Father ) anything, this being at her young age . She may need to discuss things with them and not feel like she can't talk to them.

If you even suspect she is actually having sex at this age, her parents need to know. They are her legal Guardians . This Child is being Abused, even by someone letting her see the act, talk with her about Descriptive sex, and worse having sex with her at this age .

There is a Law in most states called Communicating with a Minor for Immoral Purposes/ Sex . Someone is breaking the law. They could be " Grooming " her for future Sex acts. She is 12, no where near the age of Consent .
You say she trusts you ? Then she needs to know she can trust you to keep her safe from Harm. Would you rather keep her lil secret and risk her being Raped, Kidnapped, Pregnant , pimped out or even killed, at the age of 12 or 13 ?

Be the Loving and Responsible Adult that you are, if over 18 yourself, or even if not a legal Adult, it is your Responsibility to notify her parents of this Crime.

[Pollon]

I'm with BabyGirl. It may be your opinion that her mother does not know how to be "good mom." But it could be argued that you are not being a "good friend,""good sister," or "good Aunt" as there could be a failure to protect on your part. She is only 12 for heaven's sake. It is her mother's responsibility to protect her child and you have information that prevents her from doing that.

Right now you are colluding with your niece in a secret about what could be very serious behavior. When this all comes to light, you could find yourself banned from speaking with your niece.

I would suggest that you find a way to discuss this with your sister so she can take appropriate action. If you do it right, you could serve a very helpful role in opening the communication between your niece and her mother.

[amy37]

All you can do Lisa is educate them well, let them know that they're loved, and hope they make the right decisions in life.

At 14 she's still under her parents love and guidance. I'm sure they're doing a great job in raising her. If I found out my niece was having sex at the age of 14, I would totally tell her parents. Even though it would break her trust with me.

[BabyGirl]

All you can do Lisa is educate them well, let them know that they're loved, and hope they make the right decisions in life.

At 14 she's still under her parents love and guidance. I'm sure they're doing a great job in raising her. If I found out my niece was having sex at the age of 14, I would totally tell her parents. Even though it would break her trust with me.

Well said Amy..
Only this Child is 12, not even 14, 2 years difference at this age is a Huge Difference. Just as 14 to 16 is and 16 to 18 and then 18 to 21 is.

I know well ..with 4 kids, 2 boy's and 2 girls, Boy 38, Girl 33, Boy 26 and Girl 23.Just how our Puberty has changed through the years .

Things change, with different foods and raising and religious beliefs and different area's of residency..
But ..
12 is, to me, Still a Child !!
14 is Still a Child..
And Sex before that is Molestation, Rape, Neglect or Abuse .