[pluck77]

The other day I was reading random stories on the internet and came across one that really spoke to me, as a woman. It was about this male who was dating a woman that he really, genuinely cared about. He cared so much about her, as a woman, that he made it his primary responsibility to make sure that his primary objective with the woman he was dating was to focus solely on creating an emotional bond with her at all times. He wanted to listen to her feelings and emotions. This guy asked her how she was feeling several times throughout the day and he also asked her what emotions she was feeling too.

At first I thought this was a joke of a story. But then something amazing occurred. The male and female had only been seeing each other for about a month, so they were in a budding relationship. They weren't exclusive, but he was courting her. One week night she called him at 11:30 PM and was in tears. She had just gotten into a major fight with her sister, she lost her job earlier that day, received a speeding ticket on the way home and was even in a fender bender too. Talk about a bad day.

Well the guy she was seeing came over to her place at about midnight and hugged her. He held her until she stopped sobbing and then he did something that I have never heard of a man doing. He told her to take all of his clothes off and let him hold her. After she stripped him to where he was completely naked, all the guy did was hold her. This guy trusted her like no other. As he was holding and comforting her, he started to get a boner, but didn't do anything. She saw that he was getting happy and asked him if she could just hold his penis? He concurred, but said don't get any ideas. No sex -- all I want to do is be emotionally supportive. She wrapped one of her hands around his penis while he continued to hold her, hug her and console her. Every now and then they kissed but he would not let her escalate it to anything else. He wouldn't even touch her, other than holding her. This guy wouldn't round first base at all, because he just wanted to love and care for her.

Anyways, this lasted for about an hour. The guy was just present with the woman he was dating and doing all he could to just be there for and comfort her.

That is what us women really want. Just to be loved and understood. Sure sex feels great, but us women are emotional creatures and gain much more satisfaction from a guy whose primary focus is being emotionally supportive.

Well, that wasn't the end of the story. A few days later the woman rocked the man's world by spending all day Saturday in bed with him and letting him have as much sex, both oral and vaginal, with her as he wanted.

[Claret]

Pluck77, there is a common theme to all of your posts. I again reiterate what I've said prior in response to your comments such as -- "That is what us women really want. Just to be loved and understood. Sure sex feels great, but us women are emotional creatures and gain much more satisfaction from a guy whose primary focus is being emotionally supportive." Please don't assume that because this is what you want from a man or this is what you think all women want that we all want this type of relationship. Quite frankly, yes I want to be loved and understood, but if a guy's primary focus is being emotionally supportive to my needs then I would probably have a very short-lived relationship with him. If someone . . . "This guy asked her how she was feeling several times throughout the day and he also asked her what emotions she was feeling too..." . did this to me I run not walk away. As an emotionally stable person I do not need someone to validate my every thought, word, action. I wouldn't do this to him and I wouldn't expect him to do this to me. I think, Pluck77, that as you mature your emotional needs change and evolve and are not so dependant upon someone else. This, to me, reeks of insecurity, both on his part and on her part. His for needing to be involved so much in anothers' life and her's for allowing it to intrude upon her emotions and needs.
Yes, at times we all need additional support and we all need someone to listen. We don't always need the same person all the time.
Can you tell me what it is you feel you need or is this it? I think it makes a good story not a great one.

[pluck77]

Claret, do you not want men to put in the work that is required to understand us or are we just supposed to understand them?

[Claret]

I want understanding to come from the heart and the knowledge that I, as an independent woman, require time and space of my own. You cannot force intimacy and you cannot force understanding. Just because someone speaks of their insecurities, asks for or demands understanding, doesn't necessarily mean the other person a) hears what is really being said, or b) does anything more other than be a sounding board. I think the ability to be empathetic and to "know" how a person feels is to have some of the same issues, same feelings as the other person. How can we as women, expect a man to fully understand us if we don't fully understand ourselves. Some of my best moments were those in which nothing was said, but all was understood by my husband. He didn't need me to speak a word and conversely there have been times when my husband has not needed to say a word to me about how he is feeling, I just knew.

[Claret]

Not everything I wrote came out on the edit. I guess I was getting carried away. However, without re-typing it all. . .
I don't believe many people would break down in tears and be sobbing over a speeding ticket. I certainly don't believe it would be cause to fall to pieces and need some one to come to my house and ask me to undress him to make ... who feel better? Me? or Him?
Have I ever been held by a naked man - heck yes. Was it in response to my needing an emotional support - oh no. Who was getting the emotional satisfaction out of that act?
If a man has to "work" at understand us, we need to "work" at understanding them. It is not mutually exclusive. Perhaps if we were more open and direct there would be no "work" involved. I have always been very direct in my feelings and emotions. If I hurt, you hear it loud and clear. If I'm unhappy you'll know it because I'll tell you. If I'm angry, I'll let you know. I don't want someone to try and cajole anything out of me. I just let you know. No work, it's out there on the table.

[rcoreyus]

I have to agree with Claret here. Different women (AND different men) are looking for very different things in a relationship. I think what really matters is finding someone who is compatible with what YOU want. This is one of the reasons people shouldn't "settle" for someone, or listen to what their friends think is right.

Nothing wrong with people wanting emotional support - or with wanting sex.

[pluck77]

I was drawn to that story, as a woman, because every man I have slept with, and luckily there aren't that many, only wanted sex. They didn't really care how I was feeling or what emotions I was going through. When I tried to talk to them about them, they asked me not to be mushy and not talk about awkward feelings that are often fleeting. That was, because you as another woman, know that we feel many different things throughout our day and our mood or feelings can change in a split second based on various stimuli that are constantly changing around us.

I guess I was also interested in the story because the woman was able to feel one or two emotions for an extended period of time. That is something I, as a woman, would love to experience.

[Claret]

Well, I think it stands to reason that if you sleep with a man, he's probably expecting sex. If you choose to sleep with a man and have sex there are a couple of different scenarios that can come to my mind. 1) You are early on in a relationship (1 or 2 dates) and you go to bed. I think it may be reasonable for the other person to put the brakes on especially if it's a one or two night stand. #2) you are pushing for feeling, emotions that the other person isn't comfortable sharing with you, especially if it's early on in a relationship and #3, the guy just isn't in to you the way you want or the way you are into him. Take your pick. I'd tell you to take you time and pick your partners better.

[Stillness]

There are definitely differences between men and women...thank God for them. I'm not saying I've got it all figured out, but the differences in the popular imagination and those that I've experienced don't seem to always line up.

I've had a woman pout, complain and cry because I wouldn't have sex with her after we went through a very stressful ordeal together. I wanted to lay in bed and be quiet or discuss what had happened. Sex was the last thing on my mind at that moment, but it was what she wanted. It was all she ever wanted to do. I gave her plenty, but it was like the end of the world because I turned her down one time when I was an emotional wreck. I'm a highly sexual person, but I could not wrap my mind around her wanting sex at that moment. In another relationship, I've been the one begging for some.

I just think that so much individual experience is miscategorized as gender-specifc. Everyone has emotional needs and the desire to be understood.

[jns]

I've had a woman pout, complain and cry because I wouldn't have sex with her after we went through a very stressful ordeal together. I wanted to lay in bed and be quiet or discuss what had happened. Sex was the last thing on my mind at that moment, but it was what she wanted. It was all she ever wanted to do. I gave her plenty, but it was like the end of the world because I turned her down one time when I was an emotional wreck. I'm a highly sexual person, but I could not wrap my mind around her wanting sex at that moment.

You were all wrapped up in the emotions of the stressful ordeal and were trying to make sense of it. I have noted elsewhere that guys usually don't deal with emotions very well. You most likely wanted to talk it out and rationalize it. What's in it for her? Logical rationalization most likely would do nothing for her.

The woman you were with was at a different level and probably just wanted some normalcy and a little joy in her life, even if the time was fleeting. Some go to the street corner to buy drugs, but sex is a natural boost if it is good. Bonding, euphoria and taking your mind completely away from the cruel world out there. But you were too wrapped up in your own needs to see hers and the actually rational thought behind it, so you mischaracterized what she was after.

Sorry if this is a little direct.