[Pollon]

OK Jen, I have to ask.

What is going on in your picture?

[Stillness]

Great topic. I'm always interested in how other people do things in their marriages - particularly the long-standing, happy ones.

My wife and I became Christians very shortly after we married. We strictly follow the Bible, so I lead. Christian law also requires that we be partners, openly communicate, move as a unit, and that our relationship be dominated by love and respect. Husbands in particular have to have a self-sacrificing love.

So in practice, my wife typically gets her way. In 13 years of marriage we could probably count on one hand with fingers left the number of times I've exercised my authority to contradict something she wanted.

I'm thinking that in households like mine the roles become more prominent when there are children. We just really don't have much we disagree on and I chose not to exercise my headship to make laws much beyond what's written in our scriptures.

[atskitty2]

This is an interesting discussion. I've done a lot of self-assessment and reflection over the last couple of years and have been working hard to improve the aspects of my own ways that I'm not particularly happy with. The comments above, about driving people away are interesting to me for that reason.
I think both types of personality can be alienating. I find it increasingly difficult to spend a lot of time with people (friends) who have no opinion, no input to a discussion, no preferences...it's become a source of deep annoyance for me. There is no give and take, no building of a relationship and getting to know someone better when there's not some kind of discussion and sharing of thoughts, even if there's disagreement.

[jen1447]

(this is a reply to Pollon - two posts dropped while I was writing!)

Oh, I have to admit I wasn't thinking about it this in-depth when it occurred to me to wonder. But superficially at least, I'm the dominant partner between me and my boyfriend. He's actually kind of a tough guy normally in that he has a job where nasty interaction with people isn't uncommon, but he pretty much yields to me in every way in our relationship. It's like he knows better than to challenge me because I can 'kick his butt,' even though (sorry to reduce it to this) he can overpower me physically. I guess it's a psychological dominance.

It works for us though. He's more than happy in our situation, and my nature is certainly not to be a wallflower, so I'm being myself (and very content at that). I do sometimes ...crave? ...a bit of a challenge that he can't provide, particularly when we get into sexuality, but I'm really quite happy. We can have whatever we want if we're willing to get it, but I realize it's extremely rare for anyone to have 100% satisfaction in a relationship. Plus I have perks.

Our domestic situation is separate tho (we don't live together), so maybe it would change if we did. No, actually I don't think it would.

[jen1447]

To Stillness -

I didn't realize you were Christian. I'm not religious myself, but I have a lot of respect for Christianity, all the more so now by seeing that you haven't disparaged me for my lifestyle and sexuality. (Sorry if that's patronizing or ignorant of Christianity's or your values - I'm just genuinely moved by the fact.) Thank you.

[Stillness]

I'm moved that you're moved.

I don't find it patronizing at all. I understand. There are a lot of loud, politicized voices out there that do not represent me, my faith, or how we feel about others. Biblical Christianity as far as we understand it is apolitical and does not judge outsiders. That's God's place. So, I have very strong beliefs about sex, but don't feel it's my place to impose those on anyone else or belittle them if they disagree. I love people regardless of what they do with their privates.

[atskitty2]

That's indeed refreshing Stillness. I was raised Christian, and now follow no religion due to the hatefulness toward people I experienced in church and in the world by Christians. Not just toward their sexuality but any differences in belief or values. I found their intolerance intolerable! .

[jns]

Oh, I have to admit I wasn't thinking about it this in-depth when it occurred to me to wonder. But superficially at least, I'm the dominant partner between me and my boyfriend. He's actually kind of a tough guy normally in that he has a job where nasty interaction with people isn't uncommon, but he pretty much yields to me in every way in our relationship. It's like he knows better than to challenge me because I can 'kick his butt,' even though (sorry to reduce it to this) he can overpower me physically. I guess it's a psychological dominance.

Have you considered the possibility that your dominant attitude is just what he wants? At work he has to be the dominant person per his job description. At home he can use up a lot less emotional energy by following your lead.

[jns]

My marriage is cross-cultural. My wife's culture (Thai) is of fairly defined roles, with the man being in charge of most things external and the woman being in charge of the household and children. But it doesn't always play out that way. It is not unusual to find cases where the menfolk to sit around smoking, drinking and gambling while the wives and children plant the rice crop. Fortunately her father was very hard working. My wife is the same way. She will find something to do if she has too much idle time. That doesn't mean that she doesn't take time out to get together with friends, go to the temple and also to play blackjack at the casinos once in a while.

I am not as ambitious at working as my wife, but through education and perseverance have a good job and decent income. I fit into her culture's defined role very well. That raises her stature in her culture. Further, I give her a portion of my after-tax income. This allows her to send more money in support of her relatives (she also works, but for a lot less in wages) which in turn makes her position in her family stronger. That, of course, makes her happy.

I take care of the bills and general costs around the house with her buying some things. She does a lot of the housework. When she wants a different vehicle, she generally gets her way although I won't agree to changing them too often as I have to fit them into the budget. She drives a big mid-priced vehicle, I drive a small inexpensive one. I cover insurance, the majority of her income taxes and vacations for her to see her family.

She doesn't try to change me too much and I don't try to change her too much, so there is not a lot of friction there. Some things she is is charge of, some things I am in charge of. Some things are a joint decision.

[jen1447]

Have you considered the possibility that your dominant attitude is just what he wants? At work he has to be the dominant person per his job description. At home he can use up a lot less emotional energy by following your lead.

I suppose that could be, but honestly it really doesn't feel like it. He actually does a lot of work on my behalf - cleans up after me, runs me baths, etc. It's kind of like he's a superfan, lol.

I think both types of personality can be alienating. I find it increasingly difficult to spend a lot of time with people (friends) who have no opinion, no input to a discussion, no preferences...it's become a source of deep annoyance for me. There is no give and take, no building of a relationship and getting to know someone better when there's not some kind of discussion and sharing of thoughts, even if there's disagreement.

kitty, do you sometimes do that thing where you deliberately try to downplay in the hopes that someone else might step up? Never works for me, they still look at me like "aren't you going to decide?"

Off topic but I have to share ...had a GREAT night last night. I don't blog but maybe I should do one for this.