[Asmaa]

Hello,

I really need someones' advice and opinion. I am experiencing the thing i always thought i would act by divorcing if any the husband or nay men hits, i would leave him with no further discussion. This is the story, i am married for 6 months now, we have had few disputes, the worst he did was to shout and i shout back. Yesterday, it was one degree up, we fougth over a stupid thing; he is stressed out from work, these days he does not have a car, he needed to take mine but i was going to need myself, so i guess his ego was already heating up because, he didnt have a car & was needing my help. He is an exremly good man, caring, repsectful and loving but yesterday he did something i dont think i can ever forget....anyway to cut a long story short, he was driving the car, we started having an argument and shouting, he stopped the car & left it and me inside it (he took his bag & left), i drove the car following him asking to come in (i hate when he runs away from disputes!!!!!), i reached to him and started shouting like no man's business, i think the whole outside world heard me, at that moment he lost control, came in in the car and hit me, after a few second he stopped, i did not feel he hurt me though, a second later i was again out of control, shouting and say "YOU DONT NOT HIT ME.." and i hit him back, he lost his sunglasses on the floor, from that moment: " he left the car" and said "its over between us"....so he left work. During the day, i felt so guitly for shouting and going crazy (i think my mind did not admit the hiting yet), he came back home late and slept, we didnt talk. Now i woke up this morning shoked with what happened, i cant talk to anyone about it, i dont know what to do. I love him and love our future that we are building together but i know i must not accept that he raises is hand on me....i really dont know what to do...Can you please advice.

I am an indepent women and i do not need him financially but i must be clever in managing this, is it my fault? do i need to grow up? Does he need a go lesson? How should make it this never happen again?

[Trixareforkids]

What a tough and ugly situation. I can see why it's not a cut and dry case of ending it right here and now. You were in a heated argument, he tried to walk away and you followed and pushed him further. If you'd let him go it wouldn't have happened, but it did actually happen. I can see why you feel at least partly responsible and guilty. But know this, it is NEVER the person being hit's fault. Even if you can understand why he did it, see exactly what lead up to it, you did not hit him 1st, you were able to control yourself even when you were spitting mad and HE wasn't.

However, unless you can BOTH control your anger in the future it very well could happen again and since the only person you can control is yourself you have to decide if can control your temper. Then you have to decide if a marriage so young and angry is really worth saving. And last you have to decide if you are willing to be hit again. If you can't answer yes to all those questions it's over you just need to work out the details of HOW to end it. If you can honestly answer yes to all three questions and he can answer 1 & 2 with a yes, then get yourselves into counseling right away and there's at least some small possibility that you can have a decent relationship.

Whichever way you choose to go, my heat goes out to you and I wish you the best in dealing with this.

[Stillness]

I'm one of the people that says violence is never acceptable between a husband and wife. So I agree with you. I also feel like yelling is unacceptable. I remember hearing a weird thing once that seemed nonsensical, but that I now accept: "Words can be violent." One of the things I often her victims of abuse say is that the psychological blows cut much deeper than any physical ones.

So, some other things I think are unacceptable are yelling and chasing a person down who's left a heated argument. Men don't tend to be as verbally expressive as women, especially in an emotional confrontation. We can't handle you all. He did the right thing by leaving. You kept pushing until he made it wrong. You were both wrong, it seems.

I personally think that rules like "If they ever do X, I'll leave" are not good. But I do feel like threats to ones safety - physical or mental - qualify as good reasons. I don't think that one hit necessarily meets that standard.

I'll mention something that I've mentioned before. For me, the first year of marriage was the most difficult. Others have said it wasn't for them, but it was the only time in 13 years of marriage that we've had a heated argument. It was not representative of the years we've had since.

[Asmaa]

Thank you both for your wise messages!!!

[Pollon]

If he is indeed the "extremely good man, caring, respectful and loving" you claim his is, then you have a VERY serious anger management problem and have no business being in a relationship.

Physical abuse is NEVER acceptable. So though you started an argument, then escalated it when he tried to get away, his behavior must never, ever happen again.

You are not an independent woman as you claim. You have serious co-dependency problems that cause you to lose control of yourself.

Apologize to your husband for your horrible behavior and get some professional help.

[rcoreyus]

I'll play the mean guy here:

You should leave him immediately because he hit you.

He should leave you immediately because you started a violent argument and wouldn't let him back away.


If you are both willing to go to marriage and anger counseling, maybe that could work.

[Asmaa]

Pollon, this is why I said Financially. I am aware that i am kind of dependent in love and i beleive its a natural feeling. I would swear that I am in control when it comes to work or friends but with him it's different, I act like a spoilt brat. I wish I could go back in time and erase all this...until now, he still does not talk to me nor answer my calls....Will surely read about anger management to help myself. In our countries, we don't have such professionals, we need to deal with it on our own. Once, he will decide to talk to me, we will agree to ban violence from our home. Thanks for your messages, it's comforting as this is the only place where I can talk about this issue

[Asmaa]

Do we just leave because we messed up, we are married by law and religion. I don't have the courage to quit that easily. Isn't marriage for the best and worse, or this is just a fantasy?

[rcoreyus]

Philosophies on marriage vary a lot. To me, a marriage only is valuable if it is benefiting both of the people involved. I do not like the idea of ending mariage, but I think that is better than continuing one where people are unhappy.

[jen1447]

What was this hitting like? You didn't really describe it in detail, just that he stopped "after a few seconds." And what about your return hitting? Haymakers, girl slaps, what?